Elsa,
I recently got married to a man that I considered to be perfect. I had never known anyone like him – he didn’t seem to have a lot of the typical “male” behaviors, and I respected and admired that about him. I had asked him about pornography in the past… not in an accusatory way, but just curious if he ever watched it. He said no, and I was so proud! I never had a reason not to trust him because I had known him for several years. It never occurred to me he might be lying.
So I guess the next part of the story is pretty predictable. I found over 20 pornographic movies saved on his computer this week. This led to a long evening of crying, apologizing, pleading, etc. He swears it is a problem from his past that is over now, but I’m taking this is a huge disloyalty and I feel duped. I can’t help but feel like I don’t even l know him anymore – I’ve never been so hurt in my life.
In our previous discussions about porn I made it very clear that I consider it cheating, and yet he still did it for years behind my back. I don’t know how I will ever trust him again. Is there anything in either of our charts that may help me see why this is a problem for him… and whether or not we’ll be able to work through this?
Just Married
Dear Married,
I think you have your work cut out for you if you want to maintain your relationship but it is as much because of you, as it is him. This is where I am going to focus since you’re the one writing.
I don’t want you to feel blamed. It goes without saying he’s betrayed you. I also don’t believe his problem is in the past. If this were true, he’d have dumped the porn for sure, knowing how you feel about it and all. I think he’s deceitful, but doubt he’s malicious. More like a person hiding their drinking from a spouse who thinks they’re sober.
That said, you have a very large problem yourself and it’s independent of him. For one thing you called him “perfect” – this is a total figment of your imagination. Nobody is perfect. And to throw him up like that is a set up. He’s bound to fall at some point… leaving you, the Pisces to say “look what happened to me…”. Or in other words, play victim.
You are not dealing with a REAL man. You want this fantasy man. You want this special man who is not really a man, but something you dreamed up and if you don’t get a handle on this, you will surely leave this guy… feeling wronged, disillusioned and victimized and then what?
Well, you’ll go right back out there and do it again. You’ll find another man and pretty soon, you’ll have all his bad qualities erased or denied… you’ll be in dreamy love with Prince Charming again, for about three months, before he too reveals himself as mortal…
If you want a real relationship (and you may not), then you are going to have to let people be people. And people are jacked up all over the place. ALL people, this is. So do you want a man, or a hologram you dreamed up?
If you want an actual man, he is going to have to be able to tell you who he is, good, bad and ugly, and you’re going to have to deal with it. If you can’t do that… if you insist on making a man a God and then playing the victim when he acts like a human, then obviously all roads will lead to Rome.
Good luck.
I don’t get how looking at porn is the same as cheating. I admit that I’d be unhappy if a boyfriend had a porn habit but if he looked at porn every once in a while, that wouldn’t make him a cheater. I also don’t see how that’s a betrayal, although it’s wrong that he lied about it. Another thing: what the hell was the reader doing going through his computer files? That’s invasion of privacy and NO ONE likes that.
P.S. Cheating involves some kind of interaction with a live human being.
Bravo, Elsa!
As a Pisces, I know I tend to soften the edges when I’m with someone new — both in friendship and in intimacy — and it has bitten me in the ass way more often than I’d like to admit! And a lot of it had to do with the very high expectations I held for people in my life. Like you said, they were all eventually going to ‘fall from grace’ as it were.
I’m slowly learning my lesson, but it’s nice to know I’m not the only fishie doing this.
I would like to comment on this. I think this is an interesting issue, in part because I seem to read/hear people asking for advice about this exact issue frequently. I know a lot of women who get all bent about this, and when I was 19, insecure and first married to my husband – well, I felt the same when I found that he had been looking at porn, even though I occasionally viewed it myself. So I was actually being a hypocrite. I was upset that he did it, but found no problem in doing it myself. I didn’t feel less attracted to him as a result of checking out some porn, but I felt that he MUST feel less attracted to me! What the hell? Haha. I think for most women, at least the ones I’ve discussed this with, this boils down to issues of self-esteem. Many women are not comfortable with their own sexuality, most especially their own bodies – so when their husbands are looking at these porn stars with tiny waists and huge, fake tits that stand at attention even when they are sitting down, the wives feel threatened. They are afraid they can’t compare to these women and they are afraid that their husbands want that woman instead of them – in other words, they think that the reason their husbands look at porn is because their own bodies/sexuality are not good enough to satisfy him, so he must turn to porn for excitement, when in most cases this is not true. Of course, there are exceptions that should not be tolerated. An obvious example would be if the husband is looking at child pornography (or something else the wife finds intolerable). Or if the husband actually has an addiction and/or prefers porn to sex with the wife. But in most cases when a man looks at porn occasionally and its not some sort of addiction/perversion, I think the problem actually lies more within the woman. Most humans are voyeuristic in nature and viewing porn is an exercise in that. And like a male friend of mine said to me, “Its not really the women, its just watching the act of sex. Its the sex itself that is exciting.” I think if more women were more comfortable with themsevles they would care much less about their man checking out some chic’s tatas once in awhile. This is human nature, not betrayal. At least I think so. Of course, this does not even go into the issue of supporting an industry that denegrates women, etc… but hell, that’s going down another road, isn’t it?
Thanks for letting me comment.
from a male perspective – i grew up in a household where my father was addicted to sex and the emotional climate was one of sexual abuse. pornography was laying around everywhere -sort of hidden in drawers. my sense of being a male was duly “jacked up” ( great phrasing Elsa !) by being raised in such a climate. i dont know this guy we are talking about here – but for me this whole thing involved a lot of fear about how out of control i was around emotions and sex – an obsessive – addictive – lustful quality that was mostly in my head and had very little to do with really being in contact in a real way with a female. i would also agree that this thing cuts both ways when it comes up ….
i believe (with the exception of messed up people like don referred to), most porn-viewing is about sexual imprinting. early images of sex for many people, and i daresay most men, comes from porn. it’s not virtual sex. it’s not cheating. it’s pictures. men tend to be visually stimulated.
i don’t mean to critisize the questioner, but i kinda feel sorry for her man. he’s not supposed to be a “typical” man? she’s not accusing, but somehow she was “proud” when he said he didn’t view porn? i’m betting he knew EXACTLY what the “right” answer was and wouldn’t have risked the truth if he had any interest at all in being with her.
i understand feeling betrayed by the lie, but he lied to her because he wanted a relationship with her. and is it really a bigger breach of trust than rummange through his hard drive?
of course, i’m not there. but i personally don’t get it. if it were me? i’d ask to watch it with him. 🙂
I don’t get the porn thing either (which perhaps makes my point invalid or me a doormat) but I do get lying. That’s a tough one. On the other hand, everyone makes mistakes…and when the mistake is a lie, it’s harder to make up for it.
If he really is ideal in every other way, then I would do my best to forgive him and move on from there. He, of course, needs to decide if he can really live a porn free life. If he can’t, he needs to be honest about that so you can choose whether it is a flaw with which you can live.
Nobody’s perfect; it’s a matter of finding a mate whose flaws you can tolerate. Good luck.
I am the one who asked Elsa the question… I feel the need to clarify a few things. First, I was not violating his privacy- the night I found the porn I asked permission to use his computer (PERMISSION, people!) and he said yes. When I opened his laptop there it was for all to see. He forgot to close it out, so I wasn’t violating anything.
Second, if you could see me physically you would lay your claims to rest about me not being happy with my body. Too many people assume that the only girls who get upset about porn are fat, ugly housewives with no self-esteem. I am the exact opposite of this stereotype. There are a lot of attractive, confident women in this world who do not want their men lying about looking at porn. Just remember that next time you start spouting your opinions with a mental stereotype already in place.
It doesn’t matter to me if some of you don’t “get it”. If you don’t “get” why I’d be angry at my husband for looking me square in the eye and lying to me, then maybe you should reevaluate your own relationships. You may be okay with living life as a doormat, but I, for one, am not.
Hey, Pisces? You sound really upset in your comment, and i just want to say that I don’t think anyone is criticising you for being angry about your husband lying to you. no matter what the person is lying about, that’s a breach of trust and a betrayal, and it’s utterly valid to be upset. i don’t think anyone here has said anything to the contrary. what people seem to be picking up on and talking about is that it really does sound like you’re more upset by the *porn* than by the *lying*, by the revelation of faults than by the betrayal.
i think we all make assumptions, including you in your response, and some are obviously more valid than others. we don’t have the benefit of knowing your situation as well as you do, or having all the information you have. i guess what i’m saying is that you shouldn’t take it personally (hard as that is, and this is pot calling the kettle black) when people make assumptions or judgements about you/your life when they don’t have all the facts. because their judgements are going to be, to quote Elsa, “Jacked Up”.
and as a random aside, i think ‘insecurity’ doesn’t always have to do with whether you have self-esteem in your physical appearance. it’s sometimes more about how your partner is getting something (that maybe you can’t give, or maybe you can – both have their own problems) from someone else instead of you. sometimes that’s a hot bod, sometimes it’s an emotional connection, sometimes it’s a fantasy they don’t feel comfortable confiding in you, that they feel you would judge them for. is it possible there’s something he wants, that he doesn’t feel comfortable asking you about…?
Hey Pisces..
I totally understand and feel the same way you do!
totally agree
yep – the EXACT same situation is going on with me right now, i swear…that’s so wierd..im a pisces too so i think that’s why i UNDERSTAND SOOOO MUCH … everything you said is exactly how i feel, i feel hurt, i think porn is totally wrong…but i went 2 a good site today
http://www.porn-free.org and it’s a christian site with a biblical viewpoint on WHY porn is WRONG, it talks about dealing witht the addiction and stuff…it’s good check it out
my husband lied to me about porn too, but i got that ‘feeling’ ya know…that something’s wrong so i asked him again and he admitted. well i was madddd omg i was on a rampage, but he said it was while we were seperated and he didn’t know what to do (lame excuse) but i thought my guy was perfect too…and then i was completely CRUSHED when i found out about all that crap
porn stars are like anyone can cum in me empty shells – visual prostitutes, they are so low. and porn degrades and perverts what sex is sposta be…it’s hard still to accept the fact that hubby looked at that nasty stuff…i know.
ooohhh yeah – definately do NOT stereotype anyone. if any woman wants to look at porn WITH her man that just shows she has no respect for herself and she’s opening doors for other types of what i call ‘sexual sin’ i know im strict about that…women who look at porn are not sexy. that’s sick….
i check my husbands history once in a while. i mean if he says he’s got nothing to hide then it doesn’t matter.
pisces i did the same thing, thought he was perfect, got pissed when he hurt me which i only set myself up for.
anyone who looks at porn is being a pervert, sorry!
I showed this story to some of my family and they even agreed that if you are looking at a man /woman and thinking “perfect” you are literally putting too much on them. and your advice is so spot on, excellent too! the guy shouldn’t have lied like that to hide, and he must have lied because he was afraid of her and he liked to be on that pedestal she put him on. it’s so unrealistic. I said to my family, how is it that a woman can say a man is perfect? no man is! same with women. he farts, poops, and can peep at porn if he wants to. if he doesn’t want to, it’s because he’s not tempted or stressed out to want to, like it’s a dirty little secret.
I understand being upset about her husband lying, but I can’t help but wonder if his porn appetite feeds his libido, enhances sex for them both and is one of the reasons why she considered him so perfect?
Talking about consensual adult mainstream porn here.
I wouldn’t have a problem with the porn. I’d have a problem with the lying though.
I have heard from men that they like porn because they like a lot of different types of women. They are visual creatures and like to look at women.
I once had a friend who kept telling me that her ex was a straight laced Christian who never thought about sex. I kept telling her that no matter who the man is, they think about sex. Well, later she found out that her son told her that his dad, [her ex] wanted him [the son] to pay for his prostitute. She asked how I knew? I told her that a man is programmed to want multiple women/porn. And yes, the man had porn stashes.