Dear Elsa,
I’m in love with a Sagittarian and he once said he loved me. But the problem is he has a girlfriend.
I met him late last year when he joined our music organization and we started getting close February of this year. We started sms-ing everyday, sometimes until the wee hours of the morning. We talked about everything/anything. We went out with friends, to watch gigs etc. In short, we became very close and this is quite unusual for me because I’m normally uncomfortable around guys. I fell in love with him. And I heard from a friend that he has a crush on me.
By the end of March, the trouble started. I began to feel played. He was being very attentive and sweet to me in spite of having a girlfriend. In fact he spends more time with me than he does her. I confronted him, he then told me he does have feelings for me but the problem is he’s committed. Anyway, we then decided to avoid each other to make things right (i.e. to prevent us from getting too close).
By end of April, we made contact again, but in the end decided again to avoid each other because we saw that we still had feelings for each other. Two days later he broke up with his gf, I was the first one he told it to and I comforted him. A week later they were together again. I was deeply hurt. I avoided him until end of May when I decided to move forward and forget my feelings for him. I met him again.
Early June, we were drinking with friends and got carried away. He kissed me and started making out at the backseat of his car. We dated, we went out 2 or 3 times until I told him I felt very guilty knowing that he has a girlfriend. That’s when he told me he loved me and this is the first time he’s had an ‘affair’. (His past relationships lasted long and his current one is on it’s 3rd year) We decided to be just friends again until he settles things.
July’s almost ending, nothing’s been settled, we’ve been just-friends and lovers on and off. We’ve been spending so much time together, almost everyday. He invites me to watch his basketball game, to come to his band practice, etc, that our other friends who know he has a gf are starting to get suspicious of us.
Sorry this is quite long but I just wanted to show you how confusing and emotionally draining the first half of my year has been. I’m confused of what he truly feels for me. And I really need an advice on what to do now, I’d really appreciate the help. 🙂
Unsettled
Philippines
Dear Unsettled,
Of course you are being played. You are also playing for Godsakes, so what do you expect? Did you slip on a banana peel and land on this guy’s dick? No. You deliberately mounted him and now you get exactly what anyone with sense would expect. You get to be this guy’s piece on the side and I’ll tell you where you’re losing the plot.
Throughout your mail, you are trying convince that this guy really likes you and is spending time with you over his girlfriend etc. You are simultaneously in nearly complete denial over the fact both of you are of low character and you seem to think this can work out. Well here’s a reality check: it can’t.
His friends are not “suspicious”. I have no doubt they know exactly what he is up to. He is spending a lot of time with you, no doubt because you are screwing his lights out… but why? To acquire him? To get him from the other woman? And if you manage this what do you think you’ll have? I’ll tell you.
You’ll have a boyfriend who cheats on you and flaunts it in front of friends. You know. He’ll bring his other lover to his games and show her off. She’ll dress sexy at them too, wanna bet? His friends will laugh.
Look. You have screwed up. You have played and been played and there is no way to win. All you can do is cut your losses and I am sorry this is harsh. But the fact is, you’ve got a Saturn transit going and this crap just will not fly.
Good Luck.
“Did you slip on a banana peel and land on this guy’s dick?”
OMG Elsa, I damned near choked on my danish… lol
Big ol’ AMEN to this one! Good lord, screwing around with another woman’s man and she’s surprised that she’s not getting anywhere. *facepalm*
LOL! Elsa, je t’adore:)
CAN I GET AN AMEN SISTERS!!!
I do think that is good advice. It’s the kind of advice that a true friend doesn’t want to give, for fear of ending a friendship but says it anyway.
The next time a friend whines about being played I am soooo quoting you Elsa:
“Did you slip on a banana peel and land on this guy’s dick?”
Best.Line.Ever!
And yeah, AMEN!
this is the reason I so like you elsa…you alway are so straigh forward. I hope this person gets it.
I can’t see why anyone would want to be with someone that would cheat. There will truely never be any trust without years and years of major work…if at all.
Why would you put yourself in a place where you are so miserable coveting someone elses man?
Elsa,
You help so many persons through your advices !!!!!!!!!!!
I was in the position of this girl twice (not knowing that the guy had a girlfriend) – i was only dinner with the guy (not even one kiss) when he told me he had a girlfriend but he could be with me perfectly well sexually.
Did you know what i answered? No, thank you. Im a delicate treasure, honey. I want a family, kids and someone to hold my hand when i´m old.
yep, you hit the nail right on the head 😉 why do people do this?? when you play, you get played, and so it goes. i hope she plays him this time – for the last time.
unsettled-you feel unsettled because you want something different, but the situation looks extremely settled to me. this man has everything he wants- a girlfriend, a backup girlfriend, always at least one shoulder to whine on, and no accountability for his behavior. he fights with the gf, he has you to fall back on. he fights with you, he has her to fall back on. he wants space, he says, “oh, this is wrong. we should back off” he wants attention, he says, “she doesn’t understand me. i want to be with you.”
the biggest mistake i see here is that you expect some change in the situation based on nebulous hope because he gives you just enough to convnice you that you might “win” the girlfriend competition. if you win this, what you get is a guy who puts his own desires before the feelings of any of the people he proclaims to love. put yourself in the gf’s role for a minute, since that’s where you wanted to be. don’t think he’d do the same with someone else to you in a heartbeat? think again…
not much of a prize if you ask me…good luck to you.
Can I hear an Amen, Hallelujah, lol – can’t get any more “gospel truth” than that!
Okay, glad I’ve been good lately!!
Hilarious and so true! No good comes out of being number two.
That answer is golden!
wow. I love this advice. Love it! Straight to the heart!
“Did you slip on a banana peel and land on this guy’s dick? No. You deliberately mounted him and now you get exactly what anyone with sense would expect.”
file under #whyIreadtheelsablog
Classic!
Now that is one of my Cap stellium’s favorites.
Great advice.
Classic Saturn advice! It’s the kind of real, honest, straight talk that’ll save your soul.
The truth hurts, but the truth will set you free 🙂
AMEN! 🙂
I agree with Elsa but there are also this girls’ feelings to consider. If you’re out there kiddo, I agree: CUT HIM OFF. NOW.
It’s easy to get confused, especially when you really don’t have a lot of experience and you are not used to getting this kind of attention. But once you make a mistake, and you know you are making the mistake ( and you do know) — you have to stop making it.
You’re the one who will get hurt in the end. You’re the “other woman.” It’s a really painful thing to be. Women who respect committed relationships will have no respect for you and the dude, well, he doesn’t either. You’ll feel much better about this when you put up some boundaries and stop it. Try it and you’ll see.
…wapow 🙂
lol..and this is why I come here.
LOL! There’s just no one else like you, Elsa.
Goatgirl said exactly what I was thinking.
Ha! Yeah — sounds a lot like Mr. Polyamory who is still trying to get me to play backup girlfriend:
https://elsaelsa.com/astrology/2011/11/02/guerrilla-tactics-in-love-and-the-hall-of-mirrors/
And he’s still not getting into my pants! Pretty hilarious. Guy seems to be willing to put a whole helluva lot of time and attention into something that’s going nowhere.
I guess the solution is that if women don’t invest in these cheating losers, they can easily gain power in these situations. Imagine if this girl never opened her legs for this guy’s BS. How far would he have chased her? Think how empowered she would have felt, rather than devastated! Though admittedly, cheaters are gross, fundamentally. Elsa’s right to say this is about having poor character. But single ladies are lonely and want attention without exploitation.
You do need to be willing to let him go when he finds a new girl who is stupid enough to fall for his crap, which it seems nowadays is inevitable. Then again, it’s not like these guys are going to change for you. That’s the BS female fantasy element at play here.
I really like how you put it, Elsa and I agree with you completely. But if I may add something – a woman that finds herself in a three-way situation is already screwed from the start, if she does fall she will face a second place position, humiliation and all kinds of delusions. If she gets a reality check and walks away she will be the one walking down the street alone – yet again, because it’s not the women that are happy and partnered that fall for these situations.
Delusions offer 1 minute of happiness and I think that is all some people have. Not all women find a good man to live with, some have to chose between Neptunian delusions of love with creeps such as this guy and Saturnian reality checks that unveil a horrible loneliness. So, what’s the lesser evil?
Maybe there are women that walk away and find the love of their life at the next street corner, but what about the others that have very limited options?
I don’t want to be naive, but I can’t believe people/ women would ever accept these situations if they had better options or the possibility of better options somewhere in the near future. Yes, it is poor character.
There are astrological aspects that show a love life full of obstacles, maybe no love life at all but that’s ok because if life feeds me crap doesn’t mean I have to eat it, but then I go starving…what do you do when you starve?
She’s a good person who is making bad choices. We’ve all certainly done that. Great answer…..I might have to save this answer and use it when needed.
What a great example of what I can’t get away with. I mean you can lay it on the line. If I said this to someone I would be hunted down and slaughtered. The other would stage a campaign, rally support, and have me tarred and feathered in the town square. It’s just not my job, but it’s nice to know someone somewhere is eventually going to lay it out for them, or that they will continue to repeat it until the lesson’s learned.
“You are also playing for Godsakes, so what do you expect? Did you slip on a banana peel and land on this guy’s dick? ”
I have read this post several other times and this line always cracks me up LOL. And the best thing about it, is, that’s actually pure logic : D