Dear Elsa,
I’ve been traveling and decided to come to a certain city because of a man I met through an online group. We hit it off on e-mail and he persuaded me to visit this beautiful city… in the last three weeks of knowing him, we’ve not left each other’s side (well, to work and sleep)… he is thoughtful, bright, caring, funny. I spent so much of my time laughing and laughing with him.
In many ways, he’s everything I’ve been looking for–sensitive, warm, affectionate, observant, perceptive, intelligent, funny–and he’s not the typical angry guy I usually find myself with. He wants to be close with someone, have intimacy, raise a family where we each share roles. We have a lot of the same visions about how we’d like to live. But here’s the thing. He’s a writer–like me–and neither of us earn very much money. He has other options (and he’s only 30; I’m 35), but I have a feeling we’ll always be scraping by, especially once kids come into the picture.
Right now, he’s living in this foreign city I mentioned, even though it’s not his hometown. I’m returning to the US. But I think this kind of connection can be rare and hard to come by. We don’t plan to have a long-distance relationship. He’d likely move to the States.
Anyway, to sum it up – the good news is that he is slowly trying to show me how to be close to someone (I’ve had big-time issues with fear of commitment) and I am nervous about being so close to someone. I especially don’t like this “shared roles” thing where each of us is earning money and raising the kids and working from home. I feel so much more comfortable with the idea of him going off to work and me staying home with the kids. What’s that about?! He’s Leo. I’m a Cappy. Help!
Cappy
United States
Dear Cappy,
The birth time you gave me was approximate, but if it is accurate within an hour in either direction then you are actually a double Capricorn. And even if you’re not, you have a stellium in Libra… planets in Aries and what amounts to an ultra- cardinal chart.
The Cardinal signs want to control things and if you read through your post you can see the thrashing about is all due the fact you cannot be in love… or have a relationship of any kind without all kinds of compromise and accepting imperfections of all kinds and types. So this is a challenge for you just in general. To live in a world in which you are not able to dictate every dot and every i.
But what further complicates things is your Venus in Aquarius in aspect to Uranus which is also conjunct your Moon. That’s your commitment-phobia and it’s not going anywhere. So the way I see it, you’ve set up an impossible situation here. Let’s see…
Your lover lives in a different country. Money is important to you but he is poor. To fix this, you want him to give up what he does… because he is younger (?) so that you can stay home and do what you do, even though you don’t think any of this will work. Well I agree with you! It’s not going to work. It’s not going to work because there is not love in this equation. There is the idea of love but it is ungrounded – and it appears doing what it would take to ground it is impossible for you, so you get the idea.
Without fundamental change, this relationship is going up in smoke as will the next and the next. And I would apologize for saying this but hey. If you wanted otherwise you would re-think your thinking and come up with new priorities. As it is your priority is to stay safe and in control in an unsafe and uncontrollable world, consequently you are working towards a goal that can never be realized.
Good luck.
Yeah…really…
I can certainly understand wanting to have financial security before children come into the picture – the same was important to me. I also understand the wanting to control things – but as Elsa said the world is uncontrollable.
There is no relationship, no choice, without price, consequence and compromise. I think you’re at a point in your life where you need to make priorities.
You say you want children, which is fair enough. However, if you want them to be biological children it may be an idea not to leave it too long considering that you are 35. (I have nothing against older women having children – both my grandmothers had kids when they were 40 but biologically speaking for most people conception becomes more difficult.
So, how important are children? More important than money? More important than financial stability? More important then fear of commitment, or of compromises that need to be made between your own views and his views in order to ensure a harmonious relationship?
I don’t think anyone should ever have children unless they’re sure they want them, and unless they are fairly sure about the quality of the person they are making them with.
My sister is 35 as well. Even though she wanted children she was also completely committed to her very demanding career AND in terms of relationship she hasn’t yet found someone she wanted to make compromises for. All that is fair enough. She looked at her life, reflected on it, arranged her priorities and she is not unhappy with her decision. She’s beautiful, she’s got a great job, she’s got tons of friends, she goes travelling all over the world and stays in lovely places. She has a beautiful life ordered exactly how she wants to, and it’s a great life.
But the thing is it’s a life that’s only possible if you’re single. As soon as anyone comes into your life, they mess it up. You end up having to create closet space, divide tasks, put up with the fact that their ways of doing things will be different from yours and how to live with that. You also make sacrifices. My husband sacrificed his beloved motorbike for me (he sold it, so we would have money to get stuff for the baby). I sacrificed things for him (gave up a beloved hobby so we could have more time together). He doesn’t think I’m a less valuable person because I like to leave dirty plates and cups scattered on available surfaces throughout the house, and I don’t think he’s a jerk because he likes computer games. To be sure both of those traits are supremely annoying to the other person, and we get irritated with each other all the time but ultimately we both to an extent overlook having things our way and we live with compromise. I will make more of an effort to do this, and you will make more of an effort to do that.
I love being right. I love having things my own way. So does he. But we’ve decided to make efforts anyway, and live with them, because the other person is worth it and we love each other.
Now, just think about your own life. Think about what choices you want to make when you can’t have your cake and eat it too. What is most important? What is the one thing you would choose to have if you couldn’t have the others? Then pursue that thing and have a good life.
Good luck.
Gee busted, I nearly spat my coffee all over my computer that made me laugh so hard! I agree with Elsa, but I REALLY agree with Nia…it is a life for a single gal unless you are willing to relinquish control.
So, I don’t know what was funny about Busted’s comment. I didn’t get it.
Anyway, this guy just admitted to me that he’s not ready. But why does everyone still tell me it’s *my* committment issues? *My* wish for control? *My* maybe (secretly?) not wanting kids.
I’m 35, I have always wanted children, and still do. I haven’t found anyone decent to have them with. Is this so unusual? Is it my fault? Is it my being a control freak?
The last guy told me he wouldn’t make a good father a year into it. This guy told me a six weeks into it that I was right, that maybe he isn’t very financially stable.
And I’m supposed to do what? Kick my feet up, throw my hands in the air and say, Ah, life is out of control so I am too – let’s do it?
I’m cautious, as Capricorns are, and I’m waiting to find the right man before I end up with a big mess on my hands.
Did anyone mention the whole “three weeks” thing? I’m hoping you met this man in person prior to visiting him in a foreign country, or something.
As someone who met the person I consider to be the love of my life and had three weeks with him before I moved to New York for four months (during which we stayed in contact through text, and when I returned, we got together and we’ve been together since – going on six months), I can definitely sympathize with the feeling of being swept up, but if you haven’t known this man for at least two years, chances are very good that it’s Infatuation, not Love, that you’re dealing with. That’s not exactly the most stable environment to be raising children in.
Talking about having children, after only three weeks of knowing him in person, would be a very silly thing to do. It’s dangerous to plan something that will take up the rest of your life with someone you’ve known only a little while. In my opinion, anyway.
If I’m wrong about how long you’ve known the man, then by all means, ignore me. But I thought it was worth mentioning.
Also, I’m a Cancer. For what it’s worth.
I can relate to being in your 30’s (I’m 38) and single waiting for the right one. I know no one is perfect. I also have been commitment phobic. I’m a Cancer sun with Saturn on the AC and a Cap MC. Venus is in Taurus opposing Neptune in Scorpio. I’m pretty sure Neptune is affecting your Venus (values, love etc) right now since it’s in the sign of your Venus, if not conjunct it. I know it’s square my 21 degree Venus right now so I’ve been on the lookout for the “rose-colored glasses” relationship. I’m so cautious right now that I tell guys “I just want friends right now” Besides, how can you be a lover without being a friend first? Well, a real relationship and not just a sexual one anyway. I don’t want to make any commitments until this square is over. If that’s what’s going on with you also, then I would recommend focusing on building strong friendships before jumping into a relationship with a guy. Only then can you take off the rose colored glasses and know who you’re really dealing with.
As a sidenote, I am committed to forming a quality commitment after the square is over.
Double Cappy, my advice is not to ask for advice unless you’re willing to listen to it. Elsa took your natal chart and carefully explained how some of the aspects help to explain why you are hesitant to commit and how some of these things show up in your life unrelated to your current relationship. Rather than complain everyone is casting all this on you, maybe you should rethink your own part in this. Recognize your need to control and fear of commitment and work from there. I understand the reluctance to commit – I have a commitment phobic chart myself and Elsa’s advice last year helped me to look back and see that I have always avoided relationships even though I was married for a long time (he traveled) and had three children. In order to find the relationship I wanted, I needed to confront that and make some hard decisions
I don’t like these words! *Shoves hands in pockets and kicks up some dirt.*
I’m a capricorn, too. We’re a stubron stock. If you really try to go against your natural ways, you’ll only be undermining yourself for a bigger fall in the long run. It’s always good to learn new things and expand your skills – like how to share control over small things.
However, if you raelly like a guy, be yourself and build on your strengths. You’re worried about money, go make enough to live on for a couple years while you raise your kids. You’re worried about shared roles, help him outline what you want control over and what you want him to take care of. You’re worrid about commitment, talk to him about a plan for how to handle disagreements now instead of later. Build on your strengths. I know its so hard sometimes but we are the sign of the ever transcendant. One of my favorite quotes: “the choice was never between slavory and freedom, the choice is between slavory and the unknown.”
Best of luck,
Dragonflies