The man in the last advice post left his lover of two years without explanation. I called him an “empty vessel”. Several people posted to disagree with me. That’s fine. I appreciate diverse opinions. But since so many argued for this man, I thought I’d explain my thinking.
If you are in a long-standing intimate love relationship and you want to leave it for any reason whatsoever, that’s fine. It’s your life. But I feel it’s common decency to face the person who has been your lover and tell them something.
This is a person who has loved and cared for you, and shared their body with you. If you can walk away without so much as a word, to leave them high and dry, wondering and traumatized… well as far as I am concerned this is a soulless thing to do. It’s horrible. It’s horrific. It’s shameful. It’s putrid.
When your heart is wired to your soul or to yourself or however you want to say it… well you just don’t do this to another human being, especially someone you love, who has loved you so deeply. “I’m going to just quit calling and he’ll figure it out…” There is no way a whole person with their heart functioning could or would do this to another human being.
Oh! And being gay, is no excuse. If anything this should increase sensitivity to the partner’s feelings. Like this man who got left doesn’t have enough to deal with! Sorry, man. There is no excuse for being a worm.
Have you ever dumped or been dumped in this manner? Where is your Venus?
My Venus is in Scorpio and I have Libra but I can decide NO without hesitating. I had once such an experience with a Sagittarius girl.
This has happened to me twice (one three year relationship, one two year relationship). The first was thirteen years ago and it’s still incredibly painful. The last tine was a couple of years ago and it ripped the bandaid off a wound that hadn’t healed from the first time around. My Venus is conjunct Saturn.
I could never, never, never do this to anyone. I don’t get seriously involved unless I’m really willing to participate in a relationship and I couldn’t ever just waltz away without a discussion. Relationships are about learning – maybe two people just don’t jive but after two years you deserve to know what it was that wasn’t working for the other person. Monstrous. And really hard to bounce back and be open again.
Elsa,
I rarely comment on your blogs cause I usually just lurk. But your poll has me thinking and I just wanted to voice my opinion on this.
Your poll uses the word “can” and I feel anything is possible but I also feel just like you. That man shouldn’t leave any LONG TERM relationship without so much as a peep. How despicable!
However, I feel that “telling the man off” because he did such a thing is not something I would have done. I don’t know what transpired but while I definitely would have said something to him, I don’t think I’d “demand” that he tell the other man something. I feel it’s not my place to tell people what they must or mustn’t (mustn’t is a word? LOL) do.
That’s just my two cents. Hope my opinion doesn’t rub you the wrong way, it wasn’t intended that way. I was just voicing an opinion, not a demand.
Be Blessed!!
Hi Elsa,
I have a few general comments.
First, I have beaucoup Libra and this is a no-brainer. Absolutely empty vessel.
However…based on having been in the situation, simple never looks simple when one is in the midst of the situation.
Once I was able to see I was in a relationship with an empty vessel, I saw my part, my blindness. In other words there were signs I either could not see at the time or chose not to. So the leave-er and leaving could then be looked at as less a phenomenon, more of the same. That didn’t change the hurt, the damage, and it highlighted how empty the empty person.
Next comment is about the abused leaving the abuser without a word. Well, that’s not (generally) true. There have been many many words, actions, reactions in the abusive relationship letting the abuser know how much hurting was going on. Plus, the abuser is well aware of how they are hurting because it is usually very deliberate.
The nothing said departure is simply the action finally taken that has long been ‘voiced’. I’m sure you recall ‘begging’ in one manner or another for the abuse to stop. Whether that meant you took the blame, did everything to avoid the wrath, made changes in yourself so you wouldn’t provoke further abuse, etc.. Besides that, anyone leaving an abuser knows the abuser then uses your leaving as the ‘proof’ you deserved the horrific punishments. They can twist any scenario to justify their abuse.
So in that situation they are not completely empty, they have filled their emptiness with hatred and spilled it all over whoever they could.
Please know, I am aware some of this sounds harsh. But sometimes harsh has to be brought to light in order to protect oneself, afford oneself compassion to heal and even to be able to understand how hurt the empty person must have been at some point to have arrived in such a horrible state of being.
That’s probably my Libra seeing more sides of the story…and also demonstrating when deciding right or wrong isn’t really the most important thing. It is taking into account more than the surface stuff and choosing what’s fair and what isn’t based on what everyone brought to the party.
Barbara
My first reaction was a knee-jerk one. LOL But after thinking about this for 24 hours (Uber-Libra!) my thoughts on it are this….
It doesn’t matter what I think about HIM. To place the focus on someone else’s behavior for my pain leaves me a victim. I don’t want to be one.
For me, I need to be asking MYSELF some tough questions. As in….
Have I done this to someone?
Do people repeatedly do this to me?
Were there any signs that he was like this, and did I ignore them? If so, why?
What is it my soul is trying to teach me? I want to learn from this.
What is it I need to do, or take action on, that this won’t happen again? In taking action, I take my power back, and take care of myself.
Just my thoughts on it……
I’m with Elsa. Forgiving someone requires an apology from them. Its not a personal thing, its between wrongdoer and wronged. You can let it go without an apology, but not forgive.
This sounds like a typical “avoidant attachment” ghosting, which generally seems to happen a lot sooner in most cases – several months rather than several years into a committed relationship (late bloomer maybe? idk), but it’s still the same horrendously shitty way to treat someone else. I have had that happen a couple times and it’s a no-fun zone because you just do not see it coming – their internal/unhealed attachment trauma wires get crossed, they short out emotionally, and they shut down and disappear on a dime, it seems like…
If they aren’t going to do the shadow work to fix their own mess, they really do need a warning label tattooed on their damn foreheads, because it can make a formerly stable attachment person turn into an “anxiously attached” person if they are unlucky enough to cross paths unknowingly with one of these broken M’fers repeatedly and get this kind of treatment. I’m working on trying to get back to normal, but it really does a number on your ability to trust anyone else…