Hi.
Five years ago I met up with an old Scorpio flame. He’s married with kids and I’m married no kids. We hit it off straight away even though I ended our affair thirty-odd years ago we still have that omg feeling for each other. We have met up 2-3 times a year as he live 300 miles away. It’s hard for us we do webcam and skype lol. When I ask him if he loves me he says nothing or I puts up with ya but that’s what he says to his wife too. I wanted to get back with him many years ago but someone told me he was just using me for sex. Now I can’t get this out of my mind and when I ask him this he says if I was just using you for sex do you think I would still be here talking to you when we only have sex 2-3 times a year. Is he playing me? Please help but we do have great sex
together. I’m a Taurus.
Yes, I do think he’s using you for sex. He’s also using you as an escape from his marriage.
The thing is, you’re doing the exact same thing to him. You’re using him for sex and an escape and outlet from your marriage. So I’d not say he’s playing you. You’re playing each other or you’re playing yourself.
For clarity, if you’re asking if I think that you and this man will ever get divorces and be together, the answer is no. You have what you have with him, no more and no less.
Anyone else have comments?
If you have a question about astrology or life, please submit it here. Don’t forget to include your location. It adds something to the Q & A posts!
ouch! thats a bit harsh. ! i wonder what the reason is you dont think he will leave his marriage? is it astrologically?
its possibly why she asked you in first place. for some planetary insights. some leave. some dont. yes affairs are outlets and also ways for some people to stay safe from love.
but not all are like this. he soundshe is being a little avoidant. he may not be ready to leave marraige or give more to the lover. but doesnt say he cant or wont. this taurus girl who seems very conflicted over her passion with him. i would be interested in a more fair and unbiased astrological view of her relationship.
She did not provide any information other than what you can read above. He’s a Scorpio, she’s a Taurus. That’s all we know, astrologically. I answered the question as it was presented. And I’m pretty freakin’ confident in my response! 🙂
Well said Elsa!
I don’t think astrology is the answer here at all. Things like this generally seem to be cut and dry – if he wanted to leave his wife for her, he would have by now. Not always. Yes, there are sometimes exceptions…but everyone wants to believe they’re the one in a million exception, don’t they?
Curiously though, she seems to gloss over the part where she’s married too. What is she not getting from her husband thats promoting her to seek sex, love and attention from this other man? Why does she want this particular lover vs her husband? She should be looking at her own motivations, not his.
I’m not judging her motivations at all. I just feel like she’s better off expending her energy on herself and what makes her happy, vs what he’s feeling and what makes him happy.
hi im the girl your talking about and i love my husband very much but many yrs ago i was told that this man was useing me for sex so i endeded it with him now all these yrs later we have still got that spark BUT when i ask him is it just sex he says no we r more than that and he wonts me in his life and i cant get past the thought that he is still useing me and i wont to end it but i cant
I am equally confident in your response. There really is no free pass for any astrological interpretation. Any planets anywhere the answer is still the same. You are both using each other for sex and serving your own insecurities and compulsions.
You nailed it Elsa. Taurus and Scorpio are opposite each other and there is usually an attraction between them. But both are stubborn and not so fast to change things. It is likely they will continue with their affair unless Taurus puts her foot down and ends it. Scorpio can do the cold shoulder thing and just stop altogether if he wants to. It depends upon how strong their attraction is.
What does it serve her to be kept like a fish on a hook? Mind you I think the hook is of her own making, not his. Never mind the damage they are both doing to people they ostensibly love and are married to.
this is very good advice! i’ve known watery men like this in truth, and they’re not Always Scorpio sun either. But i don’t Judge them, i just listen. Years later still with their wives. Maybe it’s not confronting the “issues” within their marriage that is the problem. Now i know plenty of watery men who are in great marriages and they don’t have to do secret stuff to avoid what’s wrong in their reationships, so i’m not trying to be biased or anything.
hi again i dont wont him to leave his wife or me my husband thats not what this is about my husband is caring and loving but he is an aquarius and we do like diferent things in life not all things just most lol
so?? i’ve seen some aquarius/taurus marriages and they’re good ones, they don’t cheat on eachother. why are you making excuses on astrology? you are not getting what you want from your husband and that Scorpio you’re involved with is also doing the same. I’ve known some of these guys, and they’re really really nice men, super sweet, and they can play you like a violin if you’re so easily led. (plus you gotta be in trouble in your relationship OR looking for one, ect) and they Always end up leaving the mistress and taking up with another mistress later on.
btw i know some real life but in celebrity world, there is Actress Elizabeth Banks (Aquarius sun/libra moon/Virgo rising/Taurus mars) with Triple Taurus man (sun/moon/venus) and he has an aquarius mars in 7th house and they’re got a good marriage:
http://www.people.com/article/elizabeth-banks-love-lust-marriage
Yes, very typical scenario of trying to inject some fantasy into your lives with a low-level, low-investment ongoing affair. You’re both using each other for a little thrill. If neither of you were married this arrangement would be boring as hell. Look at it as it stands alone, not in relation to your marriages. There’s nothing much there! You’re trying to believe that the lack of what you have is due to your unavailability to each other, but you could both leave if you really had an amazing relationship in the offing. People don’t want to feel emotionally dead, I understand. But this sounds textbook “affair that keeps the marriage going” as opposed to explosive affair that breaks the marriage up. Sorry!
kumquat why do you think it would be boreing
Responses hit the nail on the head – both Elsa’s original and kumquat’s. You want to play hanky panky, you better not be kidding yourself.
thanks guys i think i know what iv got to do a. But we will stay friends without benifits iv known him along time
kumquat why do you say it would be boreing??
I used to date a Scorpio he wasn’t married but we never had a committed relationship, for 10 years this went on. I always wanted him to ‘stake his claim’ but accepted that I was at a different place than he was. Eventually we both moved on to permanent relationships but we’re still very much friends to this day and he much later he shared with me why we never had more. “I love you and always did and you did everything you could to get me to commit, but I was happy with what we had. I didn’t need to make some silly statement for people to see that I cared about you.” There you have it. He truly felt our relationship wasn’t everyone else’s business and that’s what saying we were exclusive meant to him. I of course still differ in my opinion, he eventually did commit to someone and that was important to me and so should have been important to him. But he said the same was true for him in the reverse… reminds me of the Don Henley/Patty Smyth song “Sometimes love just ain’t enough”. Not saying this is true for this relationship but the point is, Scorpios ALWAYS have a reason… they just may not tell you for decades. I say take it for what it is and be confident in what you have or walk away. There’s really no in between and I too doubt you’ll get much more.
Okay, I’ll take a go answering the “why boring” — –
It would be boring because the “thrill” for him is the idea of being a bad boy, one last time. He gets to do something different than his daily life of work, taking out the garbage, dealing with the kids, paying bills and buying groceries, taking the car for an oil change, cleaning his shoes, seeding the lawn, flossing and arguing with his wife over dinner plans with the in-laws (are you get all hot just reading about his super sexy real life which is super far more cool than your husband?).
So Mr Scorpio can now, thanks to you, hang out with his workmates and buddies in his everyday boring life and feel like he is cooler than them because he has this mini-fling going with you (and possibly with others who live a little closer to fill in the rest of the time. But who cares! he’s so hot and this is just for fun! Oh, get checked for STDs now and then, but you know. that is super hot and fun too, like, electric magnetism). He is thanks you his distant fling-squad (you, others) not just a working dad, he is a Bad Boy! Oh yeah! Good that he is married, because if he was single and you were single you’d just be two every day people hooking up, and you’d wonder why he isn’t calling, and why he ignores you except three times a year, and on and on and on. But you are married too, yay, you have that one piece of basic-life-checklist candy handled! and now oh boy, years later, you get more fun candy too! Sparkling with “extra candy” neon!! ooh!! But without the rings that make it super fun and extra (denied love! impossible love! destiny’s hot loins!) it’s just what it is, a pretty typical user guy with a midlife crisis and a mortgage and squabbling kids, who is bored, so he has rebooked a girl he doesn’t have to pay much attention to who’s willing to go along with his stale playbook. (Which is probably why you walked or were convinced to walk awayyears ago.)
In other words, I agree with Elsa’s direct and simple and accurate response. Seen this before with friends. and heard about it from the other side, guys I worked with who were bored and “taken for granted” at home and wanted a last chance to feel cool again and just needed someone willing to go along and not ask too much, not need too much, who’s far away enough not to cause a problem with the game and ready to believe it is super amazing to be hit on three times a year by some guy with a mortgage and kids.
Basically you’re his video game cartoon fling. When he has better things to do, he’s elsewhere and you’re frozen waiting for the next game! Hey Neptune!
Ooh… ow…
Very good insight, VillageGirl, that put an uncomfortable light on my own life. Thank you!!
@villagegirl, i’ve heard of those types too from my relatives, who are dating men who have parents that are in their middle age, and the man went to a stripper, spent lots of money on her, have fun ect and his wife at home is boring and frumpy. So last i heard the wife got a boob job, and face lift so she can be young again and the husband came back (only because the stripper dropped him). Anyway, the whole thing sounded like a bad film. the son who is an adult dating my relative, hates his parents and hate how they are. well that’s the sad part, too that children have horrible role models and they feel disgusted.
I am Scorpio and have been in a relationship with a Cancer man with Scorpio moon and Taurus rising. The relationship has taken quite a beating over the four years we have been involved. Several times I expressed to him that I love him, but the most I’ve ever gotten from him is he cares for me, a lot or that he really admires me. I also walked away from him in the past, but went back into basically the same relationship. Now the difference is that he does not hide me from his family and we spend all holidays together, although I have only met the “friends” he spends a lot of time with once. It would be easy to say that this relationship is the end-all, be-all of relationships and we are locked into each other, but the fact is I really want someone who loves me and tells me he loves me. And when I say I love you, it would be nice to receive the same response. My friend is very kind to me and I understand the difficulty of having that Scorpio moon, but also that this is the kind of man who would do ANYTHING for the woman he truly loves. So, I accepted that it is what it is and have pretty much resolved that within myself, with the knowledge that either or both of us could leave at any time and I appreciate having him in my life for now because I learned a lot about myself from him. All this to say, Mandy, don’t fool yourself. Elsa is a very intuitive person and her answer rings true. It sounds like you and your friend have maintained a good, passionate, intimate relationship as lovers. MHO.
if we lived closer things may have been different but whos to say it wud of been boreing and why say this
Mandy, you are too fixated on the word boring. You need to look at the big picture. I think the replies were spot on, but you don’t want to accept it. I’ll give it a go at the “Your lives will become boring comment”. This man finds you beguiling, in part because you really are not available to him, nor he to you. That’s the intoxicating allure of an affair, the secrecy, and the clandestine meetings are part of what makes you feel like you’re addicted to this person and vice versa. I guarantee if you showed up at his door tomorrow and and said “I’m divorced now and I wan’t you to get a divorce and we’ll live happily ever after! You will see this man running for the hills! Real relationships, or should I say real love is more than sexual attraction. It’s living day to day with another human being and going through all the trial and tribulations of everyday life. Why would he want that again (what he has with his wife) when he has you as his three times a year treat! Hence the boring comment. Even if you were told astrologically why you two had such an attraction, what difference does it make? Will that really help you? Your dilemma is bigger that an astrological consult. I’m not saying this to judge you or be hurtful. The reason he can’t or won’t say he loves you is because he doesn’t love you. He may be obsessed with you or addicted to you, but he doesn’t love you. And how could your relationship be about love when it rests on a foundation of deception? You say you love your husband, but you are having an affair, and then try to justify it by claiming he doesn’t meet all your “needs”. That’s not love. Do you think your respective spouses would be hurt to find out that they were not enough? If this were really about love, you and your scorpio man would not be behaving like such cowards and betraying your spouses. You would have the courage to be honest with them and move on from those relationships and find a way to be together, but like Elsa said, that’s not going to happen, because what it really boils down to is the fact that you two are using each other. Being honest with yourself and those around you is how you really find love (not just romantic) in your life. I hope this helps.
VillageGirl, that is exactly, 1000% right. Very well-written! Love it!
we do talk nearly every day and txt and we have a laugh about most things and no he doesnt say i love u very often but he does say it
If you don’t mind me asking, If he does say that he loves you, then what is it that you want to know? You seemed to imply you were curiously as to why he never says that he loves you, and wondering if he did indeed “love” you. Are you solely looking for astrological indicators of love, or do you want to see what Elsa has to say about your charts?
I think that a situation with no structure, no commitment and no clear things like this cannot evolve. Unless of course both people get real. Saturn is exalted in Libra for a reason – a relationship needs structure and commitment to move beyond the initial stage and become something solid. I don’t want to sound judgmental; from what I see, none of the two are willing to take responsibility for this situation, as I said before, no structure whatsoever, like a jellyfish in the sea. The man obviously gets “something” from this, and the woman too, but it’s like he wants to assimilate everything he can with no reciprocity like some kind of energetical parasite and the woman unconsciously favours this and probably has this same attitude. Two people that want to be together need to lay solid foundations for a relationship and be honest with each other and with themselves. Again just my two cents.
Let me ask you, what are you using him for? You are both married, seemingly happy. You have a good connection and have a thrill to look forward to a couple times a year – a chance to get away from life a bit. Why screw it up with over analysis? Enjoy it or end it. Ultimately, it doesn’t matter what he is using this relationship for – that is for him to analize and deal with. What are you using the relationship for?
I think you said it all, Elsa – perfectly and succinctly.
You wouldn’t have asked this question if you didn’t already know the answer, imo. But you’re hoping for a different answer.
Here’s your answer. A man who loves you lets you know without uncertainty. A man who loves you doesn’t divide his attention between you and another woman, no matter how much affection may exist between you. A man who loves you doesn’t string you along until the time is right for him and it’s geared strictly for physical needs. Love isn’t as complicated as people often make it out to be. Love is an action and it is lived out daily, not just conveniently.
But if you need further convincing past what I’ve said, then read this quote by Bob Marley:
“The greatest coward is a man who opens a woman’s heart with no intention of loving her.”
@O’Random, hmm i dont know about Marley. As good as he was a singer, he had many affairs, his wife did too, from what i read as she bore another child from another man while married too, so it’s not really the “ideal” lol
I’ve seen this dynamic a lot. Don’t be surprised if there are one or two other women who will show up in this scenario. Personally, I believe situations such as these to be addictions. Don’t become an addict.
I think the advice is spot on!
This person, I assume it’s you mandy, is oblivious to the reality of the situation it seems. Almost sounds as if cheating is nothing harmful at all, because you didn’t mention a thing about hurting anyone’s feeling but possibly your own.
What about your husband? Or his wife? Do you have no empathy for how they could feel?
My Capricorn Venus knows and feels that cheating is downright wrong and typically an escape method. Instead of being upfront with your lover or husband, you chose a different route. You’re no tackling the situation head on. I’m sure that your husband would much rather be single than be married to someone who doesn’t give a damn about him.
i do give a dam about hm i love him but u can love more than one person and i was in love wiv this other man before my husband
Mandy,
If you live a long life, you may find yourself attracted to other men outside of your marriage. Will you sleep with every man you find attractive? This is a question you must answer for yourself. Love and lust are two different things. I would do some soul searching. If you’re a young woman, life goes on.
im 52 and no i wouldnt go to bed with any one elce what im saying is i was in love with him long before my husband and they have been the only two i have fallen in love with
I don’t usually comment on these blog posts where people ask for advice. Mainly because elsa usually says it all and partly because I think people are gonna do what there gonna do and really don’t want help. But this one made me have one question: what exactly did the person who asked this question want to hear? That this man is in love with her, even though he doesn’t always say it back? That cheating is ok? I think you’re doing exactly what you want to do Mandy. In the end youve got choices and there will be consequences, good or bad or whatever. And it really sounds like you’re kinda happy with how things are. It really does. It doesn’t sound like there’s much of a struggle within you about any of this. I’m not saying that you should be struggling but I know a lot of people would have a hard time sleeping at night knowing that they were being dishonest. Thats why you’re getting some of the replies you’re getting here.
no its not good or nice cheating but thank you all for opening up my eyes and yes even at my age im still a little nieve and yes i did think he was useing me but was hopeing not my gut feeling was saying he is but i chose not to act on it i do love this man and its very hard to end it
Mandy, I’m sure you love this man you have been cheating with. You know or feel that this other man is/has been using you…but you love him. Just because you love a person doesn’t mean it is okay for them to use you…look at your husband. You say you love him, right? Well, technically, you are ‘using’ him in sort of the way you yourself are being used. Your husband is loving towards you, affectionate, treats you well. This other man from 32 years ago is probably being treated affectionately by you, getting good loving from you. He’s probably lapping it up with a spoon.
Does it feel good that the *other man* from 32 years ago has been using you? No? Well think about how your husband is going to feel when he finds out you have been ‘using’ him. Your gut has been telling you all along that this man was using you, and you remember how that felt back then, right? It couldn’t have felt good. It probably doesn’t feel good to know now either, right?
Again, think about your husband and how his gut is going to feel. I’m not even going to go into the other man’s probably long suffering wife, because that’s just on another level.
If all of this personal ‘reflection’ doesn’t make it easier to end it, I don’t know what else to say. You’re going to do what you’re going to do, that’s obvious. But right is right and wrong is wrong. Maybe instead of thinking about yourself selfishly, you should start thinking about other people around you when it comes to making your decisions on whether or not to end it.
What does it matter if he really is/was using you for sex 32 years ago? Does having concrete knowledge of that fact change anything at all? No, not really. You can’t go back in a time machine and change anything. And just because he tells you occasionally “I love you” or “You know how I feel about you” doesn’t mean anything. Believe it or not, history has been peppered with both men and women professing their love for someone when in fact they did not, all because they were trying to…get something from them, or use them.
I don’t know. This whole situation is disappointing and sad. I feel bad for a husband who loves his wife openly and doesn’t ignore her or lie to her or mistreat her but yet this type of husband has a wife who still goes behind his back and fucks around. I feel bad for the wife of Mr. 32 as well, plus his kids.
Just…so disappointing.
I think you have people confused because you seem to be backtracking on some of your responses and quite honestly, I don’t know what you are really asking? I don’t know if you read my earlier response, but I’m not trying to wave a sanctimonious finger at you, but I think when you a post a seemingly nonchalant question about having an affair and then ask whether or not this person loves you, you’ll will get some brutally honest reply’s. Especially regarding extramarital affairs, because of their tendency to almost always follow in the same painful, predictable trajectory. I think Libra noir pretty much summed it up perfectly. Look at it this way, unless you (or anyone for that matter) are in an open relationship, do you really want to continue with the lies and deception. Is that fair to anyone? I’m not concerned with who sleeps with whom or how many people sleep or are intimate with other people, but you intimate that you don’t want to hurt your husband and that the affair is more or less a case of being torn between loving both men at the same time, and to a certain degree I believe you, but you have to ask yourself – is it really a case of, you want your proverbial cake and it too conundrum? You would really rather be with scorpio man but he isn’t budging and he’s stringing you along, so you stay with your husband out of fear of being alone? Maybe, maybe not, I don’t normally comment on this site, but for some reason I felt compelled to this time. You state you are 52 old, do yourself a favor break your addiction to this scorpio man. You’ll be grateful in the long run that you did.
lynn it is an adiction with him and i havnt been back tracking just telling u guys more. i must end it i know but we will stay friends and he isnt a typical scorpio some of it he is but alot of him isnt
Mandy, I didn’t mean to imply you were being deceptive when I said you were backtracking. I don’t think you were, it was more in regards to the statement he(scorpio) would not say he loved you but then sometimes he would etc…. That’s all. Look at it this way; Something compelled you to write to Elsa. Maybe you literally or figuratively, depending on how you look at it, needed a cold bucket of water dumped on your head, and today was the day. I believe you and I sympathize with you when you say you are addicted to this person. Maybe from this day forward you can get your bearings strait and take a step back and decide- ok where do I go from here? I know it will be incredibly painful, but what steps can I take to move forward? If you can afford it, never rule out some form of counseling or therapy to help you with this. I would even try group therapy- sometimes free or sliding scale. You would be amazed at the pathology we (you) all have that drives us to be attracted to certain people. Sometimes with people that we necessarily shouldn’t be with. Believe me, I know! Good luck
why has everyone gone and no more replies. lynn i wud like to chat with u if possible i know u dont know me but u sound like u been through whhat i am going through x
Mandy, either way your heart is going to get broken with this. He won’t tell you that he loves you. Scorpios are pretty notorious for hiding their true feelings even from those that they love most. How would your husband take it if he found out? How would the Scorp’s wife feel? What is her sign? If she is another Scorp, it could get dangerous. Some Scorpios enjoy playing games and that includes mind games just to torment others. But he has the best of both worlds, two women that he can have any time he wants. And you being a Taurus, are probably just as stubborn and hate to stop the affair because of the love you feel. But it seems that you are on a treadmill and not getting anywhere other than great sex and friendship. He could be seeing a multitude of women. I have always thought that if someone cheats on their spouse and gets with another, what will stop them from cheating on you? Other option? Open marriages.
Leave your husband right now if you can’t end things with the other man. Sooner or later your husband will find out about your affair and you will be feeling much worse. You won’t know guilt until this happens.
If you can’t leave your husband, don’t be try to “friends” with the other man. You know that is not possible.
I can’t say if the other man loves you or would leave his wife for you or what might happen in the future, but what *will* happen if you stay in this course is a million times more heartbreak than you can imagine right now. You’re setting yourself up to a lot of pain and regret. Its not worth it!
And I agree with Windowlicker. Its not a relationship at all until someone commits…until something solid is planted in the ground. Its a fantasy.
I’m intrigued with the apparent 27 year Saturn return cycle of the relationship. I see an attempt to relive the past, complicated with spouses & children. The only thing being relived is the sex. Therefore, I agree with Elsa’s response.
Are you in an open marriage?
Most excellent analysis VillageGirl. You hit the nail on the head.
I have to agree with you Elsa, the usage is mutual. I never cross those lines. If he wants to break his vows, he will have to find someone else to do it with. It’s so complicated. There are alot of people involved. What a mess. One I could do without.
hi all it sounds like some of u have been where i am and i think some of u have loved two people at the same time but wont admit it on here if im wrong sorry but i dont think i am. tthe wife is a leo i think and yes to answer a question of open marraige we have just started with an open one but we love each other very much my husband that is i know he has a younger women and i have my man and im sorry i didnt say that at the begining i didnt think this blog wud get such a good responce as it has and i have taken on all of what u have said its just im so mixed up with how i feel RIGHT NOW wiv scorpio guy i love him and i show my love and tel him but i dont always get it bak we do speak every day as he works all the hours and loves working more than his family although he loves his family and his wife and i dont wont him to leave them its just i dont know if he is useing me for sex as i can take it or leave it im a taurus wiv taurus rising and aries sun and scorpio moon so very mixed up lady right now
Well, seeing that you have double Taurus with Aries and Scorpio, you are no push over. Your Scorpio Moon connects with his Sun and that can be a very strong attraction. My gut feeling is that the man is using you for sex and you are letting him. I would say that the Leo wife is no push over either. You both will continue along this path until one of you decides to end it.
lynn u sound as if u have been where i am am i right if so what did u do if u dont wont to say on here r u on face book as u sound like a lovely women im mandy anger but there is two fb pictures of me please dont pick the xmas pic wiv teddy in it thats my old account my pic is black and whit of me
Wow! Intense thread!
I agree with all the excellent replies (truth hurts! including when it’s very well expressed).
But somehow I sympathise with Mandy. After all, it’s an open mariage, so… so what? Just another “adventure”.
Too bad Mandy is questionning it and not just enjoying it, like Mr 32.
Leave it to time. A lot of things just peter out when one of the parties doesn’t want to play anymore. One of the players might get hurt more than the other, but it’s a game, right?
I know this sounds cynical – it is!
thanks satsun your comments mean alot i am enjoying it but not as much as i cud a lol and yes one day it will b over as lovers no dought but we will always b friends 32yrs is a long time not to be
no its not a game atall lol its with real feelings here so not not a game satsun
Oh, but a game can have feelings!!!
hi samantha thanks for your reply,iv now moved to baveria german and yes we are still in contact and skype but iv also found out since being hete my husband has slept with two women behind my back and no we dont have an open marriage anymore. we are trying to put things right and i know i have to end my friendship with this other man but its very hard to and we have been here 2 and half yrs now and i have tried to end it now twice but he wont let go of me lol ?
I’ve never been married but it seems like in many cases a husband and wife either choose to be resentfully faithful to each other despite their total boredom with the marriage. Or, one or both finally say I don’t care what happens, I’m going to cheat because nothing could be worse than not feeling alive again in a way monogamy will never supply.
Is this inevitable or just a sign of a weak marriage?