“She’s light now,” I said. “She’s become extraordinary in the time she’s read my blog. She’s as fine a person as you could find but it was not always that way.”
“No?”
“No. There has been a total transformation. She shed all her… shit. She really shed it all. She used to be nasty to me. Real nasty. But she healed off my energy and she figured it out too, eventually. I know she knows. She tried not to know for a long time but she eventually did know which I appreciated and I thought it was remarkable. You hardly ever see that but eight years later, she’s aware and she’s as good a person as you can find. I see people go through this transforming process on my blog and there are stages in the process where they are repulsive. This is just a fact. You’ve been to therapy, you know what I mean.”
“I do.”
“Right. People are downright disgusting at certain stages of transforming and there is nothing you can do about it, you just have to stand them. You have to leave them be and let them rot. But some of them come out of it and whew! When they do it’s really something to see but this is a not a fast process. It takes years. And while it’s not easy on them, I got news for you, it’s not easy for me either. I have a hard time standing it, sometimes. I have to look away. But I try to accommodate them as best I can because I have rotted and been disgusting before too. Oh hell yeah, I know all about it. Transformation? It’s just not a pleasant process and at certain stages you become grotesque,” I said, with the image of Linda Blair in the exorcist in mind. “Yeah, it’s disgusting all right.”
Have you ever gone through this process… or witnessed it?
Yes and yes.
This one’s fascinating. Very true.
That picture is bringing up some bad memories, too, of being 13 and watching the Exorcist on TV (edited no less). I haven’t been able to watch horror movies since. So many people in my age group had the same experience! I guess being a witness to that kind of breaking down, rotting process leaves its own debris to deal with.
Lol … i was going to watch it age 12/13 but the opening music was enough to put me off!!!! ….looking at that pic … thankfully!!!!! And fab post… think we all like to focus on the end product of transformation!! #keeping it real as ever Elsa!!
Yes and yes, just emerging out of it. When one descends into the underworld of Pluto all manner of things can take place. But when one returns, it is Springtime, and all is refreshed.
Wow! A Powerful hit of Pluto for a Friday morning. Oddly enough, I like it.
Oops, I think my comment was eaten by the spammanator.
And I’m thinking that picture is hitting me so hard because Neptune is currently squaring my Moon/Neptune conjunction. Interesting.
I can’t say I’ve ever witnessed a change in anybody close to me, they’re all stuck in their old ways lol.
Maybe I’m just so deep into my own changes, I don’t see anyone else’s??
Well I was supposed to be at the library all day working on my term paper, but snowed in again, and yikes, that picture does evoke some serious memories from that movie!!
Anyway, I have witnessed this with people very, very close to me – I won’t go into details, but for these people, it had to do with addictions, and when they were addicted, they were not living their true soul’s essence. They were most definitely “possessed”. Sometimes, relationships can recover after they are released, but sometimes too much damage has been done.
And sometimes, there is a partial recovery, and those are the sad ones for me, because my trust is only 99.9% back, and I know it will never again be 100%.
I sure have been grotesque and repulsive :-D, so i hope i’m on my way to be a better person lol 🙂
That’d be me. The one that’s done the changing.
witness to this right now. Its painful. I’ve had to turn away from someone that I love but I can no longer trust, been in the line of fire far too long.
What is it that kept me going back to someone in this transformation, why would I keep inviting this person back into my life when they equal pain, I was just so easy for them to hurt? I can see where they are in the process and I have hopes they continue to go through the transformation and come out on the other side. But I can no longer be there, I can’t sacrifice myself to their transformation.
omg. that picture…. lol
then again i’m the type of person who would turn those dolls whose eyes can open and close backwards at my friend’s house during sleepovers because they scared me– especially in the dark ! D: lol
http://images3.wikia.nocookie.net/americangirl/images/b/b3/Mia-close.jpg ( example of such a doll )
cherie, that is the main thing. It takes YEARS. It’s like a Pluto transit. This is a 5 year situation we’re talking about and usually more.
Er… but if you can’t hang with someone through something like this you will never have a real (deep) relationship with anyone.
“Or, are you referring to the Saturn sq. Pluto transit that’s here for the collective? Is this the beginning of that 5+ year cycle?”
Good question. I was not referring to or thinking about the collective transit when I wrote this but most definitely the concept applies.
Yeah. A lot of paintings look really ugly before they’re done. Very true.
Growth hurts sometimes and it’s hard to be in pain and graceful at the same time.
@ Beth- like that analogy of the painting.
Feeling pretty gross at the moment; hoping the “finished product” will be valuable enough to make up for all of the ugly stages.
I don’t know if i’m blind to this — but i feel like i haven’t experienced this level of transformation or known anyone who has … Maybe i am not getting what this post is about–
moonpluto, thanks for telling me that.
I reread the post and now gonna reread the comments–
I know i’ve had change thrust upon me– but i think that’s different from what you are talking about here.
Here it seems almost that a person was a cesspool and then… a process with various parts, certain key figures — and a transformation. Not in a day. Years.
I feel like: if my mother were here, she would tell me, she would know. Cuz i can’t tell. So i emailed a friend and asked him….
moonpluto for those of us who know about this – we KNOW we have been akin to Linda Blair in that picture. You just spew all over the place.
haha
I think I’m just about 3 years into a repulsive transformation. I remember the exact words of mine, in October 2008, when I was cresting in repulsiveness (hopefully), saying to my boyfriend “if you see me come out on the other side of this, you will have seen something so hard you’ll probably never know what went into it.” Pluto over an angle/Mars. I’ve seen my sister go through a repulsive transformation too, and it reminded me of an exorcism at the time. Pluto over an angle/Neptune. I didn’t connect any of these dots until right now, reading this post, Elsa.
janet – I have done that as well… had to detach. I feel for you.
Maybe i just use different language/words to explain my experience. I talk about the bottom or the pits or going through hell or coming out the other side–
I thought i would never recover from this summer. I thought it was the end of me, really. I felt flattened. I would talk to my ex telling him as much– would tell him that he was talking to a dead person because mentally i had reached my limit(s) —
And my double taurus friend saved me but that’s another story.
But i wasnt trying to change. It was outside of me. Saturn on my moon and uranus opposing.
All this to say, i wish i could better understand what’s at stake here–
I wrapped up my pluto square a few years ago and i dont remember itmuch except that i also had jupiter in the 4th and i moved–
Or maybe i spend so much time in the hole, that is my daily reality and mirror.
And whenever i read the word “repulsive,” i think “disgusting” — it seems so very physical, bodily, full of decay, ooze, slime, and so on.
(Duh just remembering the linda blair pic – slime indeed)
Elsa, I’ve thought about this all day long and I wanted to say that this resonates so hard with me.
I definitely was the girl that was going through such a right time, getting nothing but shit out of life, all I did was put out shit myself. I mean, like…people that hurt hurt people, and sometimes you can’t SEE that shit until you’re on the other side and horrified by what you’ve done when your head wasn’t screwed on straight.
I 100% appreciate that someone out there knows that people are like this, but that -they can come out on the other side-.
You have no idea what this means to me.
And you know what? This tells me that while I can’t blame anyone for turning away from me when I was being a horrible human being? I can FORGIVE MYSELF and move on.
Because that’s not who I AM. It’s who I WAS.
*big hugs*
I’ve had Pluto consistently transiting my natal, mostly in squares or oppositions, for about 14 years. Looking ahead, I won’t get a break until 2019.
Some transits have been more positive — the Pluto/Mars opposition was a period of great energy and positive growth for me. Generally, though (and I hate how EMO this sounds) my life has been one long confrontation with the dark side of spirit. It certainly cannot be pretty to watch.
The karmic events around my Pluto/Neptune conjunction did also set up my coup de grace for my Pluto/Venus opposition tinged Saturn return. It was a huge, nasty, unseemly growth experience — for sure the biggest bunch of head-spinning and spewing I’ve ever had to submit to.
that haha was a haha of recognition… keeping typing down today.
((luci)))
The fact is when you meet someone in this state you don’t KNOW. You don’t know whether they are an actual horrible person or just a person in pain who was good before and will be good again.
I tell you this much: There have been times in my life where I could have and would have been counted out by most but I came through so there you go.
Okay. Luci’s comment made this all more clear to me.
I also see that I don’t spew (others may disagree) — instead, I contract.
And I think this habit of mine impedes growth at times–
(Self-containment of cancer/virgo types maybe)
Don’t know why i’m obsessing on this thread today, but I am!
Hmm, I can relate a bit moonpluto … my sense of turmoil is usually turned inward, too. But I can say I did some pretty nasty, horrible things in the process of this transformation that I never really thought were part of my character. I’ve had to work really hard to realize that I’m NOT a bad person. Needless to say I wasn’t handling my pain in a most gracious manner.
I’ve witnessed this in my mother. I feel grateful I get to see her happy in this life–never thought it would happen. Never thought she’d love me, never thought she’d be good to me.
I’m learning as much from the comments on this post as I did from the post itself.
I’ve experienced profound transformation – one I am still rebuilding from in ways I don’t fully understand. I have been through a continuous pluto transit from age 5 through age 25 and it’s not totally over yet. So pretty much all I know of myself is how repulsive I can be. I’m only realizing now that I’m capable of bringing happiness to people.
I’m witnessing my best friend undergo this transformation. She is becoming increasingly repulsive but I plan to stick with her as best I can. I know what it’s like. Even though I was pushing people away, I am grateful to this day for those that stuck with me.
I have not witnessed this level of transformation in anyone. Only unconscious people becoming conscious.
yes, i think.
and yes, maybe, a bit, starting, possibly.
you have to have real strong boundaries to stand to close to it, though.
yes and oy…
I’ve been following this blog for years and not seen this article. When I first found this blog, Pluto had crossed the IC and I have a see-saw chart with majority of planets either near the MC or the IC.
I’m not sure if I will be alive for it to cross the DC, but it really has been a process moving through the 4th house.
Holy Crow! I had to do a double take on that picture :-0
That movie brought some serious PTSD in my childhood hahah ~ just seeing the picture light up a live wire that i thought was dormant
Oh yes. Surrounded by right now. Might even be there myself. Have definitely been there.
Yes I have gone through a process of transformation.
It was deeply painful,and I was angry and full of rage.
My veil lifted in 2016,and I realized everything I thought was white was really Black.
I suddenly in an instant saw EVERYTHING as clear as daylight.
The years of manipulation by Mother, about my Dad, painting him into a monster he really wasn’t.
Uranus in Taurus,the RUDE Awakener ,made me a raging monster .
Grotesque.
My fair weather friends,family et al.
But I hated who I becameI hurt people who hurt me.
Then I changed.
I had too.
My Mother had a stroke, I forgave her everything.
Then people,and lastly myself.
It was my “need” to be the good guy, rescuing people, giving of myself.
I took responsibility for myself.
I stepped back,made boundaries.
Left people alone to deal with their shitz.
And started self healing.
Breathing.
Centering.
I had to build myself up.
There was no one to do it for me .
Its been a long journey.
From rotting to thriving.
Thank you Elsa.
You have been a saviour of sorts.
And so instrumental in turning my life around.
I’m glad this blog has helped you!
Gosh, this blog never fails to offer the right advice at the right time! I suspect I’m at this disgusting stage – I feel disgusting, at least. I’ve been here before, and I couldn’t for the life of me work out why I was so entrenched in slimy, gooey darkness. And I was mean, horrible…
Then one day, I wasn’t. I seemed to wake up in a different world where I could see the beauty in everything, and smile for what felt like the first time in years, a complete 180. And it’s this that keeps me trudging through the slime – one day, I know that slime will be flowers.
I am in a grotesque phase, and it’s just been too long. I completely snapped and exploded at my husband last night. It was so shameful for me. I was just so frustrated and felt terribly misunderstood. I’m good at faking it up to a point, and then in true Taurus fashion, I needed to let out my rage. He was so upset with me for how I acted, and needed to cool off for a minute. I just froze, utterly shocked by my own repulsiveness. Then he came back and listened to me sob. I shared my deepest fears. He held my hand and took me for a walk while my teeth chattered. I am not all better now, but I am so fortunate to have someone like him. Please pray for me to make it through to see the other side of this.
I feel for you. Prayer sent.
Thank you
Yes… I kinda feel like I am an a**hole right now. In my mind I am rude, crude, and so damned negative – for the last 6 months I can hardly stand myself some days. Hoping that when my progressed moon goes in to Taurus (my natal moon in Taurus too) that I will settle down some. But I am guessing that it’ll take Transit Pluto to go over my natal Mercury 12H Cap ONE MORE TIME before change occurs.
However, I must say that with this a**hole phase, I have become stronger and much more willing to stand up for myself without blinking an eye and I really like it. I think I need to figure out a way to keep the strength but refine my thoughts.
Wow woo strong stuff, must confess
Scares me away, trying to be compassionate with others
But I find it easier as I get older
I am the girl that walks can’t take the negative the bullshit the suck up no I have this gag reflex I might be out quicker than most not saying transformation isn’t amazing I just usually don’t stick around to witness
Dear Elsa, that’s revolting and fascinating and inspiring at the same time.. some time in he future Pluto after crossing my Asc will be later squaring my all stellum including Jupiter, Moon, Venus, Vesta, Mercury in Taurus and finally the Sun early Gemini. I have lately began to predict years of losses, death and suffering. Maybe it will not be so bad… or i should cherish the relatively good tears now before falling apart
I hate being disgusting and transforming, but I think that’s what I always am. I don’t know for sure. Pluto squares my Sun and Mercury so it could just be my own self-perception. I wish I were the bright shiny one, but I feel like I’m always the opposite. It’s a weird thing that I think I need to accept.
I didn’t understand until I found Astrology, in the beginning of Pluto conjunct Venus I began a new relationship, it was very exciting, wonderful, thought I found my soul mate, in time I became jealous, possessive and obsessive, then a Venus Return occurred late December and for some reason I melted down, she was becoming very agitated days before Christmas I asked her to Christmas Eve service, but instead she went with her ex, that was my last straw and I swore she said she was with him last night (I took that as sexually) and told her not to come over Christmas Day, she said ‘we’re done’ so I spent the holidays and my birthday alone, very disturbing Pluto theme ideas crossed my mind, my daughter wanted to visit, I wouldn’t let it happen, I was very dark. My ex fiancé called on Valentines, I wanted her back so bad, she wouldn’t have any of it, I played obsessed ex for a time, suffering weird Pluto-Venus more intensely than when we were in our relationship. In the Spring I found astrology, just wanted to learn why I became a jerk, learned a lot, Scorpio Ascendent, Moon Conjunct Descendent and the fated Pluto in 2nd house Conjunct Venus, but the real kicker was I learned her Venus is opposite my Venus and so as I’m suffering the conjunction she’s suffering the opposition.
Needless to say I’m dead to her and she won’t ever let me teach her anything about it, just believes something’s wrong with her.
It’s sad because we were in love, engaged, on top of the world.
Gah. What a terrible story. I’m, sorry! 🙁
Meh
What can I say anymore that isn’t? The things I’ve lived through recently, finding myself, writing a novel, these experiences, some I’ve lived through already, 25 years ago my wife died, about the same time my mom had seizures, left her speech impeded, then she had a big one that paralyzed her, so much emotion back then, I didn’t capture it, I’m bothered I’m experiencing all this now because I must, with my brother and all. Everything happens for a reason, I’m just going to feel all the feelings, ride this horror story. I see Pluto everywhere now, last night at Astrology meeting, Coleman pointed out the US created in 1776 Pluto has made its 250 year Return. We’re all feeling it in fundamental ways. As for my love, I can only hope she comes out a better person. She used to say “you can lead a horse to Walter, but you can’t make him think.”, I used to laugh, she was referring to my brother, he should’ve got off his @$$ and fight for his life, take the meds and get well, I was very frustrated at the time trying to drive him to it. She’s a really great woman, seeing her rot this way, she doesn’t get out, she’s bought a virtual reality device, she stopped therapy, it’s rough, but As Above, So Below, so who am I to say? It is terrible Elsa, and all these people commenting of their experiences, I could spend all day replying and relating to them, I know it’s a lot on you, so thank you very much.
Elsa, I’m old news at this point, but when you have Saturn and then Pluto sitting on your natal moon in the 2nd house that directly squares my Aries sun/Chiron/mars/Saturn in 4th, it’s been dark, nasty, and total 100% transformational. Just thinking about myself in 2015-2018, ugh, I get nauseous. And as you said in my consult with you earlier this year, the dark isn’t over….but I see my own sort of light and it’s not anyone else’s anymore, and the shadows aren’t as strange, and integration has been the theme all along.
The biggest thing missing in our society is teaching people to integrate their darker sides and not shaming them into trying to disown it. Such a huge evolutionary misstep.
Hoping these Saturn Pluto transits really evolve us past the disgusting mess we’re currently in as a species.
Just came across this post…
This was from 2010.
I was pretty repulsive then. Pluto was newly in Capricorn where I have my sun moon and mercury. I’m now in the phase of learning to love and accept those old versions of myself and the rotting process I went through to get to where I am today.
For the next 20 years, I will be stepping into my personal power that I had given away for so long.
It’s not as easy to forgive a monster as it is to love one.
I feel so sad for that desperate person I was.
I’m learning to forgive myself
Perhaps one day my children will forgive me too.
Hindsight is scary scary
Foresight is wisdom in action
I think I’ve gained some but still confused about how to apply it 🙏💗🙏