I had such a deep sense of foreboding on Monday. The soldier has some significant stuff crop up but I still didn’t think it accounted for my feelings and unfortunately I was right.
Pluto is now retrograde heading back into Sagittarius. People with planets in the late degrees of the Mutables get hit one more time and I am one of them. When Pluto began applying to my Moon (children) about 5 years ago my daughter became ill. It has been intensely difficult for my family since. We have had no respite at all.
Like the well analogy I used last week, it’s a gradual descent. You get acclimated to how bad it is so that you can cope three months later when it gets even worse (deeper). I came to terms with the fact my daughter may not survive nearly two years ago and who would think it could get worse than that?
Well it can get worse than that. I can and has gotten much worse than that and then yesterday I saw so much horror, I could not come up with the words to describe it to anyone. She’s my child, see? It was not supposed to be this way. I had such high hopes for her and it’s very hard to convey the feelings.
I struggled last night with the yesterday’s events. I told the soldier I thought I should watch myself very carefully today. I simply have to stay on top of this situation because I know I am in territory and suffering things that many (most) would not recover from. So I am doing this. This is exactly what I am doing and then this afternoon I got a call I did not expect… at least not so soon.
The call was short, the trauma blunt. I don’t think my daughter will ever live at home again I just have no way to describe how I feel about that. I could stare at you, that’s about it. Pluto Moon.
I’m so sorry. The day you realize the person will never come home (went through this with my dad) is a hard one.
Everybody, thanks. You are going to see me just keep doing what I am doing around here. But I thought I ought to say something at some point because I don’t mention my daughter at home here lately and today this seems very hard core so today it was. But people should understand – this is no joke – my family has been in non-stop crisis on every level for years now and it just is.
If you want to do something as I said 2 years ago – support this blog. That is what you can do. A link. Tell someone about it… whatever. Because in the reality that no one can see, I am a single parent with nearly 30,000 in medical bills amassed in the last 2 years alone! That is my share after the insurance pays their 85% so do the math. And don’t worry.
My family is not the kind of people you have to worry about, just take my word for it.
And ps I did not say she was going to die, I said I did not think she was going to come home – there is a difference!! She cannot get the care she needs at home, see? I can no longer take care of her here and everybody knows it.
God bless you, your daughter and everyone in the situation. God will bless.
You have this unusual gift of surrender and courage and hope and common sense all wrapped into one.
I see your wisdom in motion. I see that you sharing with us which is just what you know how to do. You are not only trying to be a big enough mother for your daughter, you ARE being this woman. In this very moment. Because you choose to. Somehow, through your own unique blend of spunk and humor and wisdom and spirit, you knows how to access self-love and mamalove even in the midst of crisis. I am blown away and inspired by your courage… Blown away by the glimpses of sunniness in your voice, by your gratitude, by your connection to others when it would be just as easy for you to be paralyzed by worry and grief or to just fall off this precipice.
A candle burns on my altar for you and yours.
((((Elsa))))
My heart is aching for you and yours, Elsa. 🙁
I’m sorry, Elsa.
it’s time to support elsa through her tip jar — forgo a latte or a movie and send in a donation. any small amount will help. (and the system seems to have eaten my first post on this subject so if you see this double — well, just understand it’s twice as important — that makes some sense … ;-))
Wow. I am fully in awe and grateful to be included in something so raw and real and IN THE MOMENT, right here, right now, and no glossing it over. Just fearlessly telling us what is real.
I am not going to say the words “I’m sorry” because they just feel like words. I can tell you that I feel the “utmost compassion” for your situation which is true, but also limited, because I have not shared the same situation and I have no children and never will now. So I can’t empathize with the exact situation from a personal perspective.
I can, however, empathize with Blunt Trauma. Most of us will (or already did) encounter it in some form. Most people won’t talk about it, let alone discuss it on a public forum. I think you are doing a major service to the field of astrology, and correct, it is no joke.
My friend (56) is in her last days (or maybe weeks) of brain cancer with T. Pluto on her N. Moon.
I have T. Pluto hitting back and forth over all four of my angles (they are all 28 + degrees mutable, Pisces rising, with the nodes of the moon at 27 + [Rahu in Sag]) and trust me I felt that station retrograde yesterday, it hit hard. I will spare the details right now because nothing much should compare to your news.
I knew Pluto was going to station retrograde yesterday and I had forgotten about it; can’t believe that an astrologer with my chart could ‘forget’ about something like that but it had ‘slipped my mind’…until the day went the way it went.
I know that for me the next three months are going to tell a major life changing story. I just don’t know what the rest of it is yet. I know it will be big.
Thank you for sharing, Elsa.
… been reading your blog the past few weeks. great job! sorry to hear about your daughter. i put a tiny bit in your tip jar. thanks for your insights.
I’m sorry, Elsa.
Elsa, I wish I could give more to you. I’m going to the tip jar with what I can . . . take good care of yourself. And you were just talking to me recently, helping me. You’re amazing.
Hand her to God with the unconditional faith and love you posses. Trust in yourself. Know your decisions are based on your experiences with your daughter and NO other human could ever understand the depth and pain of what is before you. God bless you both and and an extra kiss of love to your son and “our” soldier, who are,too,feeling your pain.
I bring you my best wishes of health for both of you Elsa. I pray for the recovery of your daugther
i’m so sorry to hear that.
best wishes as you walk through the dark, then….
Becca – I know this particularly sucks for the xangans around in the Mosta quotes era. I don’t have the heart to go over there and tell them.
Love to you all, Elsa.
Me too Becca. Elsa I’m here and reading as always. So very sorry.
Oh, Elsa.
Damn.
*Sends light*
Oh, sweet Elsa, I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Please know that you have so many people out here who love you and your family.
::tears:: and much love
I’m so sorry. All my good thoughts.
Oh Elsa, I’m so sorry this happened. I send you and your daughter my deepest sympathy and love. You are strong as always and continue being the best mother you can be. God bless.
Is there a way we can all start a fund for Mosta to help her? or even just to send her a card to wish her well? Know that you have so many people around the world who will be thinking of you and will support you no matter what.
Words won’t make a difference, but thank you for letting us know and I’m very sorry.
Im so sorry Elsa. Im not going to pretend I understand or that I know what you’re going through but Im sending all my love and prayers and of course will continue reading your wonderful and inspiring blog.
Love Skye
Thank you ewinbee
I don’t even know how you’re still moving, much less writing. 🙁
You are linked, everywhere I blog.
Mother Teresa: I know God will not give me more than I can handle. I just wish he didn’t trust me so much.
Whether it’s God or the stars, someone must be pretty clued in about your otherworldly strength, energy, power, and will.
Your daughter and family are so lucky to have you. And you them.
Sending good thoughts.
ever since i read this yesterday it’s been repeating in my brain. in the car, when i’ve woken up in the middle of the night or look in the mirror. i’m from the mosta era and it’s hard to believe. what a point of no return.
i’m about to give birth in the next week or two so, although i can’t even begin to understand what you’re going through, i’m feeling especially touched right now.
elsa, you’ve been such a rock to the universe. i don’t know where that phrase came from, but it fits.
sending strength [and tips] to you…
Hey Ana,
That’s a good idea. . . about the fund.
There’s also a tip jar on the right of the home page . If you click it, you can donate money . . . I’m sure that’s what Elsa’s using it for . . . man, all those medical bills.
*Hugs* I’m so sorry.
>>And ps I did not say she was going to die, I said I did not think she was going to come home – there is a difference!!<<
Yes there is a difference, still, a person doesnt necessarily have to die for there to be a loss. Im so so sorry your little girl wont be with you at home.. its just unfathomable. I have three daughters myself, and I cant imagine not having them here with me.
Im not in your super close circle of friends or anything.. but if you ever need an ear my email is always open. Sometimes just being able to say all of the things you need to say, without worrying that someone will be offended, or worrying that your friends will take too much of the burden…can be a life saver.
God, Elsa. She’s been in my head for the past few days, so much so that if I hadn’t been putting out fires all around me constantly, I was going to email you and ask about her.
I’m so sorry. Prayers flying forth, as they have been since she popped into my head last Friday night.
well, DAMN! {{{{Elsa}}}} Sounds like it’s live “moment to moment” time, shove the imagination into the tank and know you have lots & lots of good wishes coming from all around the world for you & your family.
well, yes, but we’re lucky to have been around during the mosta quotes era, too.
I am so sorry to hear this. Words fail me. I can only hope pluto has a mighty big reward for you at the end of this dark, dark passage. Blessings to you and your family.
Oh Elsa, Oh Mosta….it breaks my heart. I wish I had words…..