Dear Elsa,
I have been married for close to nine years. During this time, I have had one physical affair and many online flings… ranging from phone sex to cybersex. Hubby knew about very little about this – except for my real life affair, which I was very upfront about. I was deep into the BDSM lifestyle online during that time, and it was part of why I think I strayed.
Hubby and I separated, but later reconciled. We went back to church together (we hadn’t been going for several years) and I have been a good and faithful wife since then… or at least, for the last 2 years or so. I love this man and just want the bad temptations to stop. Sometimes though, I still have those desires for things he can not give me. Will it ever go away?
Trying To Behave
Dear Trying,
Will it ever go away? Personally, I don’t think so. We have our sexual tastes and I think they are rather non-negotiable. You like what you like, I like what I like, he likes what he likes, she likes what she likes… and it’s sort of like hair.
You can color your hair anyway you want. You can try to change it… but it will always grow out and in your natural color. Do you think you can alter this? I don’t. I think your sexual tastes and appetites are part of your nature. And if you try to repress your nature, it is always just a matter of time before the dogs get out. And further, when you’ve held them back for a year or two or a month… well things can go from zero to sixty very quickly.
So I’m sorry. I know this is not what you want to hear. However, there is still hope. Why do you say you cannot get what you need from your husband? Are you sure about this – are you sure you cannot corrupt him? Because it seems to me that it would be very sexy to try.
Are you afraid? And would facing your fear give you the edge you are looking for? Because with Mercury conjunct Saturn, square Pluto, your chart suggests this is possible.
I would advise you to ask yourself these sort of questions, because they might just lead your somewhere new and more satisfying than where you’ve been before. Because this is how life is. Ultimately, we progress.
And it could be your husband is really plain vanilla – that he simply lacks the capacity. And if this is true you will have to deal with it. But you owe it to yourself to find out, and I mean, find out for sure. Good luck.
I think Elsa is on the money (again). Definitely talk with hubby about what you need. If there is a munch group in your area, ask him to go with you. Sometimes people think BDSM people are “way out there” and meeting a few “normal” BDSM people at a munch might put to rest those kinds of fears. See if he can be eased into the kind of sex you enjoy. See if you can find a kink friendly therapist in your area and ask him to go with you; having a professional explain that your desires are not uncommon might help as well. There’s a website that lists “Kink Aware Professionals” throughout the world that should easy enough to find through a search engine.
And don’t put yourself down by labeling your desires as bad. They just are what they are. Best of luck to you!
This post excites me more than I want to admit! But, seriously, it reminds me of the old adage “we like what we like and not what we don’t.” Actually, that’s not an old adage but it just illustrates my point and what Elsa is getting at: I mean some people like peas…some people like carrots…some people like em together…some people like em apart…and some people don’t like either. And that’s just the way it is with sex in my opinion. We can’t really help what we like; we just do is all. Unless it is hurting someone physically or emotionally against their will, whatever 2 or more consenting adults want to do with each other is like what one wants to eat: you don’t call somebody “immoral” or “depraved” because they like peas instead of carrots do you? RIGHT ON E!
This has nothing to do with the question, which I won’t comment on in case I offend mightily.
But… Is that bubblegum or soap in the picture?
SaDiablo – It’s old soap!