Dear Elsa,
My fiancee has pictures, movie stubs, concert stubs and other items from his time with his ex-girlfriend on the fridge and hanging up. After a little while of dating, I asked him to take down the photos; he would take down one at a time after I would ask and not without some retort about their insignificance. Okay then. They broke up two years ago…but she did text him this past winter. He also has a picture of her from two years ago in his phone which he says he just didn’t get around to deleting.
I fancy myself a pretty patient and open minded person… but I think if he is over this person, then the pics should be put away. I have albums of exes and I love keeping them around. I still listen to mixes they made me, wear jewelry they bought me, etc. I don’t expect anything different from him or anyone I would date…. but with things like pictures of them together out in the open, I don’t feel welcome at his place. Am I overreacting to this?
I told him at the time of asking the pics to come down that if he has stuff to deal with in regard to this ex, that it is fine. We can be friends or just date and take things slower and see what happens. But each time he would say he loves me, has never felt this way before and has been talking marriage talk with me pretty much since the beginning and it makes me happy. I just love this person.
We are great together, passionate about each other, have a great time seeing bands/going to movies/camping/nights talking/etc, and just love each other. I don’t doubt that. It’s perfect except for this one thing that I just don’t get. He’s dated a lot and all of his friends are surprised at how fast things are moving with us. He just says I’m the one. Basically, he rushed full on into getting engaged and wanting to marry me… we even met the parents and family last month! His mom is helping to get the ring too.
I am going through a pluto/venus opposition right now and am wondering if I am projecting astrology or is it just really manifesting this way to an ending/life change Pluto control thing?
Is my leonine ego just warped as all get out??
Perplexed and Patient
United States
Dear Perplexed.
You think you’re perplexed? You ought to be me reading your post. I was thinking, how can this woman put up with this?
So I put up your chart and could see at least a hundred reasons. And obviously outlining them is beyond the scope of this blog. So rather than worry about trying to untangle what all is driving you, I’ll just give you my read on this.
It seems to me your boyfriend is obsessed and carrying a torch for his ex. If that is true, there is no way in the world you should marry him under these circumstances. I don’t even think you should date him. You know. Call me when you take down the shrine, dipshit!
Second, I would pay mind to the way his friends are reacting. It’s not good. It seems they strongly suspect he is careening ‘round the track in his car, destined to crash and they are probably right.
Last, the mother. Look out! Mothers tend to know their sons and I am sure this one knows her son is in love with the other woman… or with the memory/hologram of her. That she is rushing to get you a ring scares the hell out of me because I think you are being used.
Are you supposed to be the duct tape that holds her son together? Are you supposed to be the barrier that prevents her son getting back with his ex? These things are scary.
I see and appreciate the fact you want to keep your ego under control, etc. But I don’t think you are reading your Pluto transit correctly. In the simplest terms, I think what you’ve got here is a shadow side to your love and it’s (Jupiter) enormous.
Good luck.
Dear Leo,
If you want answers ask another guy.I knew every womans answer to this as I was reading your quandry.Women sadly do not understand what your man is doing.He may well still miss his ex and be secretly longing for her.ASK HIM. It sounds like you dont live together so if not then let it be as Im sure as a guy he WOULD NOT be the one asking you to get married if he didnt mean it. Guys dont understand why women put fluffy things around the house that drives us nuts but we still dont obsess about it,we realize women are different and get on with things.I hope this helps.
Thanks Elsa and CK,
We were having a discussion about this before we hit a bar with two of my friends three weeks ago and my friends sided with him. It’s a guy thing they said. He has taken all the stuff down and I’m happy about it. And prior to this, when I have asked him about it he would tell me they were friends who dated for six months or so and she moved to NYC (we live in NM) and he hasn’t seen her in years. I can be a push over (not very leo eh?), but I also ‘get’ sentimentality….and each friend that I have spoken to about this (1 guy and 2 girlfriends)all have a differet opinions…and all have met him and think he is sincere. Dunno.
Thanks!
Oh, but I am sure that I love this guy.
I hope he is sincere, but I also hope you’re planning on a long engagement. I agree with Elsa on this one… It just sounds fishy.
Yes, this situation twings my BS radar too . . . erring on the side of caution & going for a long engagement wouldn’t be a bad idea. But I also remember ignoring everyone else’s opinions & going for it too. yeah, yeah, I have Libra!! 😀
What would be learned from a long engagement versus a short one? What could come to light?
It sounds like you really love this guy, and he sounds like he loves you. So what GIVES? Take the bloody shrine down, already! A longer engagement would do plenty, the very least saving your money for a honeymoon…right?
My Dad flew solo until his early 40s and when he met my Mum it moved very, very fast. They were married within 2 years of meeting, and for a confirmed bachelor, you bet friends and family were in a state of ‘stunned uproar.’
They’re still together almost 40 years later. I don’t doubt he loves you.
You haven’t mentioned what HE says when you ask him to pull down the ‘shrine.’ You have asked, right??
Hey Kashmiri,
Thanks also for responding. I appreciate everyone’s input and don’t discount any of it.
Yes he did pull it down. It’s all fine now, he talks about the wedding, rings, etc all the time. Everyday. It’s the kind of relationship where I can’t believe it! Met his co-workers w/in 2 wks, flew back east to meet each others family w/in 3 mos., talking marriage since week three, he watches my dogs when I’m out of town, we bbq most nights at my place, it’s just romantic and sweet, except for that one thing which is now gone.
I do love him and know that he loves me, but yeah it bugged me. We are both 34, have never been married and feel lucky to have found each other. We’ve both been in LT relationships and have had chances to be married but didn’t…and we cannot wait to do this with each other. It’s just the oddest thing….you can be with someone for six years and not even want that but you are with someone for six months and it’s just ‘it’.
We are saving for a destination wedding or too $ then at least eloping to someplace far and away around the globe…will see what the universe says to this all eh?
Oh and that is an awesome story about your parents Kashmiri. I love that…
Glad to hear things seem to have resolved themselves. That said, I wanted to comment anyway.
This part jumps out me — maybe because I’m a guy. “I have albums of exes and I love keeping them around. I still listen to mixes they made me, wear jewelry they bought me, etc. I don’t expect anything different from him or anyone I would date…. but with things like pictures of them together out in the open, I don’t feel welcome at his place.”
Even though you denied it in the same breath, you’ve set up a double standard based on your ego. Your fiancee can’t do something you’re allowed to do simply because it makes you feel insecure. I’m glad things seem to have resolved themselves and at the same time, pay attention to this tendency because I can’t imagine that creating unfair rules in a relationship would be a good thing.
Second, while it must be comforting that he’s taken the pictures down, don’t be afraid of slowing things down and trying to discover why you were feeling insecure and why you were feeling like things were moving too fast. Comments like, “It’s the kind of relationship where I can’t believe it” and “we cannot wait to do this with each other” just raise red flags with me. “I can’t believe it” and “we cannot wait” — why can’t you believe it? Why can’t you wait to let things unfold as they will?
I hope everything between you two works out wonderfully, I just suggest that you pay attention to what you already know is there.
These are all things I have been pondering for some time and it’s good getting feedback on my and his behavior and sorting it all out. I don’t have all the answers so find this forum really helpful and good for seeing it in a multitude of ways.
Thanks for the insights Marc.
I wish I didn’t have so much air in my chart. I just might ‘feel’ things out more 🙂
Gem,
Sounds like you’re feeling your way through things just fine, its just a matter of paying attention to those feelings… what’s in front of you is there for a reason and it won’t just disappear, even if you two were to marry today. Give yourself the opportunity to explore what’s causing those feelings — its like you’re trying to get your own attention. You can use this as an opportunity to grow individually and as a couple but it requires honesty with yourself and your fiance.
Marc your advice is so sound, and good to read for anyone in any relationship, period..
“Gem Says:
The 26th of July, 2007 at 9:03 am
What would be learned from a long engagement versus a short one? What could come to light?”
Whoa. Ok, THAT right there is precisely what Pluto opposing your Venus means! ‘Cause ya know? I had Pluto oppose MY Gemini Venus some years back…and boy do I now see that “love” as I was so sure I knew it is actually so-o-o-o-o much MORE. And LESS. And lots of other descriptive words I will leave to YOU to discover…
And you WILL learn, although perhaps in a much more difficult way during this transit if you don’t take the time and do the work Pluto insists on to really come to grips with the core of your Venus nature, and what love is and means to you at your deepest level.
And THAT is why you should consider a long engagement.
(note: Marc, I LOVE how you presented your perspective 😀 )
For me, I have not felt this exposed/open in loving someone for oh say, 14 yrs! The pluto transit has been hitting my venus for what feels like forever and changes to my present life in this realm are filtering in. I’m no kid…it’s happened to me before. Pluto has aspected all my key planets and opposed my moon about three years ago and it was heart wrenching..therapy time heart wrenching. I’ve been very conscious of how I give love and receive it these last few years and know that this relationship (wherever it goes) is doing the same. He and it are always on my mind…integrating every time I can help it. Actually trying to absorb all possible epiphanies in my sphere is more accurate!
Thanks again!
xox
Thanks kashmiri and tinkerer. Glad my perspective was helpful — makes me wonder why I’ve almost always been single!
Well, Elsa was right about some things in the response to my post. He was REALLY (near obsessed) into that girl…I found out from someone who knew them as a couple…mind you I wasn’t looking for the info but it’s a small town feel here. I’m just bummed that he underplayed th ings and may still have feelings for her). So is the past the past and let it go? (rhetoricle question, this is just an update).
I still love him but am shaky.
Thanks again.
I am amazed that a Leo woman put up with this even for one day, to be honest with you.
In my relationships I have always had to be the Queen Bee – maybe because I also have Venus in Leo, I dunno, but another woman’s pictures on display?
I – don’t – think – so!!!
I agree Dorothy. I admire her patience, because my ego would be off the charts if I had to see a pic of an ex everyday! (Leo sun)
I’m curious to know how this situation unfolded. I have a feeling her “I can’t believe it” mindset was her intuition speaking.