Carpé diem.  I say it but fail to live by it time after time.  For years I meant to make a trip to South Carolina to visit my all time #1 hero, a woman who saved over 8000 pets as a rescue volunteer for decades while working and raising her daughter alone after her husband's untimely death.  A woman who spent hours trying to advise me about where to settle when I was considering moving to her area a decade ago.  A woman with whom I'd exchanged countless hilarious and poignant and enlightening emails, who called me for a long wonderful chat after I first moved here.  A woman who battled debilitating effects of Lyme Disease but travelled thousands of miles to visit her grown daughter, and never lost her sense of humor and adventure.  

I never got around to that trip to visit her.  When I found out four months ago that she'd been diagnosed with and had surgery for incurable brain cancer, I sent a plant, cards, texts, and just last week some food to tempt her appetite, but I didn't call.  I knew I'd break down though she'd posted that she was getting treatment and was at peace regardless of the outcome.  All I had to do was call and say, I love you so much.  But I didn't call, though I said it in a card.  And now she's gone.  I can't quite fathom a world without her in it.

Take stock, review all those people in your life one at a time.  If there's one who has enriched your life immeasurably as she did mine, call, visit, tell them how much they mean to you.  Even if they're well and happy and surrounded by people who love them, do it for You, now, so you won't end up Disillusioned with Yourself as I am once again.

I've been racking my brain ever since this was posted and I couldn't think of anything because I feel I'm pretty honest to myself about what's going on... but it hit me this past weekend like a ton of bricks. I am so disillusioned when it comes to love and I think I have always been, that's why I've never had a "successful" long term relationship. It all stems to my worthiness.. that voice in my head tells me I'm underserving until I get all of my ducks in a row especially in this phase of my life, but even then when my ducks were somewhat in a row... That voice lists all of the reasons why I can't find love and that maybe it isn't for me even though it's literally been one of my childhood dreams. Libra Rising for ya. I already know that it's a hinderance and my own self sabotage that solidifies that voice in my head, but it still sucks. I've been trying to fight it so hard. But honestly... I've always felt this way. 1H Pluto has always made me feel like no one would ever truly understand me and I've kept some distance because of that. So, little ole Cancer and Libra placements want to be loved, but my 4H Saturn is like "not until you have this and structure or.." whatever. My 5H is also Pisces and Neptune is transiting it right now so, how many years is that? 

Anyway, getting a therapist soon and got lots to talk about!

I hope everyone makes it through this fog!

I’m not at the moment but have been many times in the past. Looking back, I appreciate it because it shows me where I’m fighting a losing battle and putting my energy into a black hole and it allows me to move on. Things are solid for a time and then they are not, it’s the way of the world. Disillusionment has taught me to hold things lightly and live in a deeper acceptance. Still, I try to hold on, but life does for me, what I can’t do for myself. Surrender is a subtle art and ultimately I want to live in reality so that’s something I have to do if I want to stay in line with what is and evolve as life evolves. 

Now- the FUTURE- that’s wide open. I feel free and easy in projecting whatever I want into that space because of the same principle that I talked about above. It works both ways.