Warped by Wuthering Heights said

The real irony is that all my false starts and mistakes were made in the name of trying to create a more secure and manageable future for aging -- but the toll of all the mess I made could make that a moot point!  I can live in a tent in the woods if I have to, I just don't want to be sick or incapacitated, please.

With my job, I help people who didn't prepare, and it's a sad thing to watch.  It's screwed up; one day you're around my age... Perhaps thought there was plenty of time yet to prepare for old age and then, one day, you're there, and there's no turning back, and you realize you made too many wrong turns along the way or life threw you too many curve balls.  And you're stuck, until death.  Its the saddest thing to watch.  They have dreams that will never be fulfilled.  They have stories no one cares to hear.  I hope I never get so old, I can no longer take care of myself.  🙁

We all have dreams that will never be fulfilled -- hell, we should count ourselves damned lucky if any have been! 

Four years ago I still felt young, and I was trying to recapture my younger years in wanting to move back to CA, but I also knew it would be an easier place to find work if my job ended, and an easier climate to be arthritic in, etc.

This stupid rental income plan was only hatched at a point of despair over rents and condo prices rising insanely fast, and nostalgia.  Why I ever got so addled as to come back to the frozen north rather than Florida or back to Europe...  Why I've been sucked into some vortex of indecision every time I had a chance to undo it...  I feel cursed, by myself, and I'm bloody mad over it!  I need to forgive myself for my stupid mistakes and be happy again, screw security!  This has aged me horribly, the only antidote is CA!

My only lucky break ever was buying low, selling high back in LA years ago which made it possible for me to do any of this.  But really, I should've just stayed there forever -- it's always been some emotional crap, sentimental nostalgia or wanderlust, attachments, the "torn betweens," that does me in -- if I can just find a place to live and get back there in one piece, I have learned my lesson - stay put!

Perhaps those unfortunate folks who are stuck never really had a chance.  As you said, too many wrong turns or curve balls -- those happen even to those who are doing their best to prepare.  Or maybe they just kept living in the moment, never really expecting to live that long.  If they enjoyed life and made the most of it when they could, surely that's better than living a life of deprivation for the sake of a future that may never come.  

I for one would love to hear their stories!

I love hearing their stories, too, but  sometimes it seems like I'm the only one.  They're stuck because they're physically or mentally disabled and most of their families are dead or they don't care.  Right now I have this one lady who is seriously in despair, she can't stop crying about the condition she's in...she feels so lonely.  I don't mean to bring you down, its just been on my mind lately, too.  Like, where will I be if I live to be that old?  So that's why I brought it up.  

You're at a crossroads.  You just have to stop beating yourself up over missed opportunities.  I know how it is, but you cant do this to yourself anymore.  I cant do it to myself anymore.  You're going to get back to CA.  Stop fretting over the past.  What matters is today.  You're going to get to CA.  

I'm sorry if I sounded insensitive, but I'm rooting for you.  I understand how you feel.  I think it's Neptune keeping you feeling like this.  I also have Neptune in aspect to my Sun, in Pisces to boot.  I often feel sorry for myself for missed opportunities.  But who knows if what you thought was the opportunity of a lifetime that would have made all of your dreams come true would have been good for you.  Maybe you missed it for a reason.  Maybe a better opportunity will come along.

PIseas, you did not sound insensitive at all! 

Yes, Neptune will be in my 2nd for years, now opposing my Virgo Moon.  And Pluto will be see-sawing over my ASC for the next year, then over my NN and opposing my Uranus, then squaring my Sun/Neptune opposition, then on my Chiron -- if I live so long!

I really need to learn to love and accommodate Pluto.  I read that if you simply accept change and go with the flow, it's easier.  Purge what no longer is useful in all aspects of life.  Let the structure of your life flex, don't resist.

I was being rigid, resisting, trying to elude.  I wanted to control things and avoid pain.  But I should know better, I can't outfox or manipulate Pluto, I need to satisfy him!  Change, but into what?  The pain I'd have encountered had I done absolutely nothing but maintain the status quo four years ago would've been a piece of cake in comparison. 

I wasted so many years chasing that goal of security plus freedom, and a place to live where I could feel content and give my dog a yard, not because I ever was looking to "make all my dreams come true" -- my dreams died long ago, I don't even think in those terms, can't even imagine such bliss anymore, my only objective was to avoid pain and catastrophe!  And where does it get me?

Now I could've kept the money pit house and put tons more into it to get the apartments in rentable condition, get decent tenants, save all surplus for reserves for future repairs, etc.  And endured winters, made the most of the good things here (and there are many), and perhaps even felt good about it all, (even though most of the time I still don't want to "end up" here, and I really miss CA more than I ever missed here).  That was the plan, and I could've continued it, if my realtor hadn't offered to buy it and thus pushed me into the fog of indecision.  Because we know there has to be some misery in all lives and if you at least have the luxury of choosing yours (stress, winter, financial, etc.), that may in fact be far preferable to trying to attain a low-pain situation, because then what horrors will the universe send instead?  That's what scares me now!  I feel like I need to choose a new disaster before one can choose me!

So now, in my growing paranoia, I rather wish I had just kept that misery!  But I didn't so now I only hope I can go back to CA before some new disaster, forget all about owning anything, get one of those 55+ apts, take the job I hope is still open to me there (massage at spa), and focus on living in the present again.  I haven't for well over a decade really.

I certainly agree with you about not wanting to end up alone and helpless in old age.  I'm in no rush, but I pray when the time comes to go instantly like my husband did, no helpless years, no decline, no illness please.  I'd rather go in a car wreck or a drive by than ever be sick in any way.  I only hope I will be that blessed. 

I agree it's probably best not to worry about owning all this "stuff"- houses and whatnot- It seems to all be wanting to go. Capricorn is ruled by Saturn and Saturn rules fear.  It builds up walls (literal and figurative) to protect itself and has illusions if security.  Where will all the things you own take you?  They're not going to take your soul to a happier place. It takes a while to let go.  By the last direct pass of Pluto, you'll have it.  Wishing you the best.  It will all work out.  ((((((Warped))))))❤❤❤