@CanSagGo, I agree with bomega on this! If you want help, ask for it! Once a psychology teacher at the college told us that if the structure of society would be the same as decades ago, people wouldn't need psychologists because their family and friend circle wouldn't leave a person in depression alone until he/she would get better. People are now in a hurry, don't expect them to see what you are going through if you don't let them know. Or lie to them.

It is trivial but true: love can mend anything. I don't know you but I am sure there are people who love you and who you love. Think about how you would feel if someone of them would pass. They would feel the same when you would pass!

Life is f*cking hard and challenging but it is a gift. You are a gift. Remember that!

Thanks guys. I remember thinking about the same pros and cons when I was 6. Actually, when I was idk 8ish I think saturn in Aries was squaring my venus, etc while conjunct my NN and it was ROUGH. I learned how to blend in, and no an eating disorder is not an ideal route but it was oddly useful.

My least helpful shrink gave me my most powerful insight "if you really wanted to die all those times, you would be gone by now. What's keeping you here?" Optimism. There's a teensy shread of optimism and wicked dark humor that keeps me going every day. Its knowing that today, maybe it's just a chemical imbalance or a transit (lol like that's easy to deal with). Because if that's all it is today, then perhaps tomorrow will be ok. Its hard and frustrating and I get so angry having to go through this all the time. But TLC is showing Jani the schizophrenic child and I'm glad to know she's ok. I'm glad to know I'm not there right now. When I was 9 I realized I was probably bipolar but it was never bad enough that I couldn't deal with it on my own.

I watch Jani and I know she is loved, and cared for, and there are others like her so she doesn't feel alone. In a way seeing that is enough for me to say "maybe tomorrow will be better."

(((((((@cansaggo)))))))))))

....your sun is con.my mercury- and i suspect your rising is con. my venus-

you can talk to me when it's hard- hope it helps....<3

Hey CanSagGo, I'm sorry you feel bad, but you are not alone. When I was 9, I made a top 10 list of reasons why I should commit suicide. My brother found it and gave it to my Dad. They confronted me and I snatched the note out of their hands. That was the end of it.

I must've been chronically suicidal all my life, particularly when first Saturn then Pluto was going through the 12th house (scorpio) in the 1980s-90s, I was in college. I had an eating disorder, depression, took 5 codeines, thinking that would do something, but I just slept for 2 days. Pluto was squaring my mercury, then sun, then conjuncted my moon neptune, then crossed my ascendant. At that time, exactly, I was shot in the chest by a stranger in a parking lot. I was getting ice cream.

Obviously, I lived. I was like, wth? what are the chances of someone as miserable as me surviving something like that. Sheesh.

Since, then, life has been certainly full of ups and downs. There is never a dull moment. I am super sensitive AND super ambitious. I want to accomplish something, dammit, I don't care how many people hate me. Fuck it. Many times and even recently (Saturn is making that journey through the 12th), I think about hanging myself. Thats when I feel really bad. Usually I cry and pray and eat ice cream (recurrent theme!). Then I start to slowly work myself up to taking supplements, getting exercise, having structure in my day -- committing to 1 or 2 major things a day to work on. Getting perspective.

I know its a cycle. Things do get better if you tend to yourself a little. I totally get everything you said,

You were so kind to me when I was at the bottom the other day and that Simon Amstell bit was a REAL turnaround. That was something. I'd hate to miss out on more epiphanies like that.

(((CanSagGo))) and all in this room. Searching for words to comfort you, yet I doubt that they exist.

Those looking in at me from the outside, believe that I have it all together. I DO have friends and people who love me. Yet I am, and have been, lonely to the core for most of my life! Only child, abusive father and husband - it took me the first 70 years to begin to learn to love myself. (and thank you, Elsa, because you are part of the healing)

Volunteering to help those worse off than oneself is often touted as the answer. I've done it, and there are times when it is rewarding. But the relief is temporary: it doesn't solve the actual existential problem.

The alone-ness persists. My 8th house Neptune promises relief, and it is only my belief that, should I comit suicide. I shall have to do it all over again, (perhaps for another 80+ years) that stops me.

Yet still - there are rare good, uplifting days. I hope you will find them happening more often (and closer together )

Um, I feel this much despair and hopelessness right now. If I didn't know that this was temporary because of astrology, I'd be a gonner.

I didn't sleep a wink last night because I have that much anxiety and inner turmoil. And I have to put on a happy face the entire day today for my family who are visiting me and pretend nothings wrong.

Ahhhh life... So rosey

Edit, the transits are Saturn hitting ic then transiting back to natal Saturn, now direct and heading back to ic.... Natally I have sun, moon, merc in the 8th... Transiting chiron is on my mercury.... And I have Uranus transiting on my mars with Pluto square... And all these stinking cancer planets making it a t square...cancer in 11/12 houses.

I have 2 more years of the Uranus Pluto hell. Just about when Saturn will be leaving scorp...hopefully I won't fall ill in this process and die anyway.