In the land of Tir Na N'Og

There is no sorrow, no darkness, and no death.

There is no joy, no light, no laughter...no life.

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I always think of that, and my pets and family, when I'm in the dark places. I resent the hell out of them, for "needing" me to not kill myself. (laughs at self) Mars in Leo won't let me, either.

I went through some dark times (events, not just emotionally), and survived, so that gives me perspective. "You can survive that, and you're going to be defeated by...NOTHING?!?!?!" I sputter at myself.

Now, if I can just stop killing myself in the small and "acceptable" every day ways...

I can relate to feelings of extreme isolation. I've been through isolation for decades or years at a time. (((CanSagGo)))

I've always been too vain to cut myself. Though that would've been my ideal outlet. Instead, I dealt with my pain with non-drug addictions and by escaping reality.

If I really wanted to kill myself, I'd get a drug habit and OD, but I didn't want to do that. There was also a chance, I'd just be addicted and not die, which would be worse, imo. If I really wanted to kill myself, I would've done so by then... but instead I just kept holding on and suffering. If I really wanted to kill myself, I would've let that car hit me instead of moving out of the way. My body moved by itself, and my mind also said it did not want to die.

If I'm not going to kill myself and I have to live because my body has a self-preservation instinct (damnit, lol), I'd rather make my life less insufferable. Imagine that? Holding on for another 30, 40, 50 years of the same misery and suffering. I'd rather have a happy life instead of continuing a miserable existence. Something has to be done. Why not have a happy life/existence? Why can other people be happy and why do I have to be miserable? Why can't I live my life happily too?

So I tried that. I strived for that. I fought. And after a few years of battling, I am in a good place. I did not get help.. I did not feel I needed it (stubborn?). Maybe I did emotionally, but I don't know.

When I get into a bad place... I'm not going down. Maybe I'll be down for a few days, but I'm going to get back up. I'm not going to let other people take me down either. I have a life I want to live. I have dreams and I have hopes.

Get the help you need. Find a non-quack. Strive for a better existence.

(((All)))

um... most of my life: my natal sun/moon opposition squares pluto in the 8th; my chart ruler saturn squares venus. One of the worst periods was when transiting pluto conjoined my moon- i was a wreck, but it led me to extricate myself from my unhappy marriage and career.
Currently saturn is exactly on my scorp4 midheaven, and pluto on my cap8 asc- not fun but nothing like the transiting pluto on my moon.

Never actually physically attempted