I have felt like I might die from a broken heart.... hurt hurt hurt... at times so bad it takes my breath away.  I felt like that a couple of Christmas' ago. I thought, when I lay down if God takes me... well then, okay. 

But I have never and would never take my life. I cling to this thing every day and suck every single minute and second out of it. I want to be here. I want to be wide awake. I don't even want to sleep too long as I might miss something. 

5 Planets in Scorpio with a Cancer rising. 

I am going out of here kicking and screaming while leaving claw marks on something. 

I don't know what off sets the water..... I even have moon oppositions ..but still no way. 

Would Pluto cause it? A crazy transit? I would def think Neptune would play a role in it. 

Transits and Progressions at that time and in that year:

-Transiting Saturn (in the 11th) opposite my 5th house (creativity, children) Sun

-Transiting Neptune had recently conjuncted my 4th house (emotional foundations, home) Venus and was hovering between that Venus and my 4th house Mercury that year

- Transiting North Node in the 4th house

- Progressed Moon in the 11th house (friends, dreams, benefits) was in the same sign and house as transiting Saturn

- Transiting Jupiter in the 4th house conjuncted my Venus and Mercury that year

All those houses (and the ones ruled by the transiting and transited planets) were interlinked with my depressive feelings that year.

The Jupiter transit was one of the silver linings that year plus my eventual decision to live my 11th, 4th and 5th houses more genuinely (a decision which served/supported many other natal houses) were huge protective factors, then and now, in my life.

The Piscean - Aquarian shift from mutable sources of knowing  (Mercury, Jupiter, and Neptune)  - to Uranian and Black Moon gnosis - is provoking an intense level of anxiety and fear.  

Something is ending with Jupiter having to contend with Saturn and Pluto for the next six months combined with Neptune squaring the nodes.

Without some sort of 8 th house or Plutonian experience base this ending may be challenging for some and can either be resisted and projected with rage onto externals or turned inward to become depression or suicide.

Mars in Aries functioning in relation to the Capricorn planets for the next six months suggests a way thru this time period where action leads to a new gnosis - and a new type of faith and trust in ourselves.