Let's say a person is stressed... so their habit in this scenario is to go beat up their little sister. We're talking about adults here but the habit is the habit. The oldest sister is intermittently fine but if something goes wrong in her life, she comes gunning for the little sister who has a good heart and is always wanting to help.
So the little sister has prowess of her own, but she will not or cannot fight her older sister. It's worth mentioning the mother picked on the little sister as well. She's dead now but she did not really like her youngest daughter. Now the older sister is just like the mother but utterly and completely unaware of this. She speaks of how awful the mother was, not realizing she's taken her place.
So this person punishes her little sister, insisting her cruelty is justified. No one agrees, including her own husband who has gone as far as to formally apologize for his wife's behavior (snail mailed a card). Point here, is this is not foggy; it's happening in a clear way, observable to all.
My question, what is the deal with the elder sister?
Thanks.
When something bad happens to older sister, in order to defend against the unpleasant feelings this triggers, which perhaps leave her feeling out of control, destabilised, in their mind they make an identification with a powerful other internally, the mother perhaps in this case, and simultaneously project their vulnerability onto the younger sister (or anyone else deemed "weaker"), who is less defended, and open to projections. The older sister defensively acts out an abusive dynamic they previously suffered. It has been called, "identification with the aggressor", it's part of what happens to children when abused in order to protect their attachment to an other who is needed for survival. By taking on the "badness", the significant other can be maintained in the mind as "good" and thus safe. In order to resolve the use of these identifications, the person would need to confront the truth of the original relationship which would mean experiencing grief that the parent was an abuser (eventually to apply forgiveness as everyone is abused, abusing ad infinitum) The younger sister would also need to recognise that she is also acting to protect the abusive other by identifying with that other's rejected vulnerability, the abused part... again, experiencing the grief of reality and setting strong self boundaries.
It's basically a narcissistic dynamic based on core wounding, going down the generations, and is how collective systems are traditionally structured. This pretty much touches everyone in various ways.Â
Hope that helps 🙂Â
I will add that the environment can also be a trigger. It doesn't need to be a person setting off "big sister". If an environment is felt to be punative, controlling, restrictive, abusive, it can set off these dynamics in people.Â
hello, global pandemic, mandated vax programmes, trsting, border closures, etc, etc.
I guess it's all coming up strongly now to be released and cleared but its hair raising to reexperience on such a mass level.Â