Hey all!

TL;DR, on September 10th, I made it official with the Rocket Scientist I've been pining for, for years. He's got his foot to the floor, raring to go Venus in Aries style, but now I'm feeling crippling anxiety about being with him and I'm not sure why. I'm someone who likes to be in a relationship and I generally function well in one. I haven't seen any serious red flags and my dear ones don't either. This is the first real relationship for both of us, in 5 years for me, about 10 years for him.

I'm putting my chart in both Whole Signs and Equal Houses, with transits at the bottom. Take your preference. I don't know his birth time. The Moon moved into Scorpio at 9:40pm on the date and place he was born. I welcome any input and advice. I also just need to barf up a lot of feelings. I'm going to highlight the most important things so you can skip my big Cancer feelings and stories. 

Here's the story of how we ended up together. Skip to the next bolded things if you want to cut to the chase. We met as coworkers, two years ago. I initially didn't like him. I picked up a very heady kind of vibe that goes straight to your crotch (as I saw Elsa once put it) and I found it a little suspicious. As I got to know him better, I found that he's actually quite a mild mannered and sensible person, and delightfully kind to all around him. I've seen him lose his temper exactly once and it wasn't frightening.

I fell for him because he put up a gag math problem at work. I got cocky because I was majoring in math back then. "Haha! this is no match for me," but I made a mistake. When he corrected me he was so polite and unassuming but so precise and obviously intelligent. I was immediately twitterpated and surprised by it. I still get butterflies and smile when I write that out.

I asked him out the first time about 6 months later. He agreed at first, then panicked and backed out. He was being a bit commitment phobic. We also could have gotten in trouble because he was technically in my chain of command, but I didn't understand this because I was horny and dumb.

I left that job for the summer, then came back in the fall of last year to the same position he was - no more job danger. Over the winter and spring, we started hanging out with mutual friends and walking home together. We became better friends and a friend of his encouraged him to ask me out. He started sending me his favorite songs and I flirted plenty back, and eventually he asked me to come home and have a drink with him. Over the past month, drinks and talking turned into snuggles, then snuggles turned into making out, so on and so forth. 😉

Fast forward to Tuesday night, I skipped a class to be with him, and he asked me to be his girlfriend. I didn't think he was serious at first, I felt like his voice sounded flat and I felt rushed for some reason. I said yes anyway, because I've had feelings for him for so long. I do believe him now, because he's acting an absolute fool and it's really cute. 

Here we are, he's given me a key to his place and a small gift, he texts me every day and he wants me to come over and cook dinner with him on Tuesday night, and I'm absolutely panicking. I wanted this for a long time. I don't know why I feel so fucking crazy. I feel like I just woke up in a house I don't recognize. I know other changes outside the relationship contribute to this feeling. I quit my math major because I realized I wanted something more service-oriented. This is a relief, but I also feel some grief for the old dream. I'm also starting a new job in a healthcare field. I'm cutting off all the bullshit that doesn't matter and carving out the real me, not a new me. So many big changes happened from Tuesday to Thursday, and I was so unsettled, that people thought I was sick or on drugs. I think these changes are good but it's a lot.

My own read on this is that I'm disoriented from so much changing so fast, and that I've got some avoidant/intimacy-phobic tendencies from abuse and trauma. Huge Uranus transit to my Mercury. Huge Pluto transit to my Venus. Saturn is back in my 8th in Equal Houses and squaring my I Am. My relationships before this contained manipulation, mistreatment and cheating and they ended in disaster. Some of that comes from me and I'm getting therapy for it. I talk about my abuser in here, who was trying to rape me and peep for several years. I was also stalked recently, though I think I shook him loose. As this relationship grows, I'm moving through a funhouse of all my old traumas. He sometimes does things that remind me of a bad guy, eg. right now being over at his house often is reminding me of Steve, who manipulated, forced, and cheated on me. And I have to remind myself that the Rocket Scientist, is NOT Steve.

I don't want to leave him, even though the fear is making me feel like I have to run. I take him very seriously and I still have a lot of love for him, although seeing a very different side of him is a strange feeling. I feel smothered or trapped. My plan is to ask to take things a little slower for a while and go do fun stuff. Outside of our homes, since that's triggered some bad memories. I feel bad for asking him to hurry up and wait, and guilty that my libido and emotions are not as strong as his right now. I don't think it's related to him, because my drive has been low for a few months, but I'm still freaking out that I'm the dog who caught the mailman and doesn't know what to do anymore. I've communicated my hesitance, and he's being incredibly sweet and supportive about it. 

I know I'm all over the place because I'm a Gemini and I'm full of stress hormones. I'm talking things out with trusted friends too. Here are my burning questions, pick one or a couple.

Is there something serious to the terror I'm feeling, or is a mature relationship able to cause this much anxiety in someone with a lot of relationship hurt? Is the anxiety going to subside?
Is there a red flag I'm missing here?
Is it insane to ask an Aries Venus to slow down? If that's a smart move, how can I stoke the fire and keep it from going out?
Am I the dog that caught the mailman, and can I get the spark and the fun back if so?

Me:

Him: