I recently heard a story about a couple and it was so harshly real, it’s taken me a couple months to decide to write about it. This couple was in their mid-late 20’s. You could look at this in terms of a generation but I think it goes deeper than that.
What happened was the couple was in grad school. They had been together through most of college, close to six years and then they both graduated. He got a job out of state and wham! He left her. He did not stay with her, marry her, invite her to come with him or any other damned thing. He broke off the relationship and left to go live his life.
I am not sure if she knew she was in a relationship of convenience but I doubt it. I’m also not the least bit surprised at this. An old lady like me could have told her this was going to happen. Matter of fact, this is likely to happen to the majority of people in a similar circumstance.
A minority will avoid this, because they have an old lady like me in their life (or the equivalent) and they happen to listen to her. Outside of that I think this trend will continue for some time.
It will turn around on its own at some point though. I think this will be inevitable as things when things become degraded enough that people have no choice but to start to think differently.
I realize this is an old story. He becomes a doctor and dumps the woman who put him through school but in this case, she’s a doctor too and he still doesn’t want her.
You’ve got to stop and ask yourself why this is. The answer is there but probably not obvious if you’re twenty-six. I really don’t know. I am afraid to say things because they piss people off.
If you wonder what that picture is, it’s a goose egg because that is what this woman got for investing in this man for six years.
Have you ever seen love add up to nothing? What do you make of it?
“Goose Eggs” by Chiot’s Run is licensed under CC BY-NC 2.0.
To laugh is to risk appearing the fool.
To weep is to risk appearing sentimental.
To reach out for another is to risk involvement.
To expose feelings is to risk exposing our true self.
To place your ideas, your dreams, before the crowd is to risk loss.
To love is to risk not being loved in return.
To live is to risk dying.
To hope is to risk despair.
To try at all is to risk failure.
But to risk, we must, because the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing.
The Man, the Woman who risks nothing does nothing — has nothing — is nothing.
Who knows what was in that guy’s head…maybe he was immature,or not in love with her anymore,or he was with her,like you said, because it was convenient.Personally,if someone were with me because it’s convenient…I’ll conveniently dump his ass,and finds someone who loves me.
I’ve seen love add up to nothing,you feel pretty much like an idiot investing so much in a relationship,only to be left with empty hands
I’d rather be broken hearted,then break someone else’s heart.
Love never adds up to nothing. As much as it may pain us not to be able to hold fast and control the course of love we should never believe for one second that it happened without purpose 🙂
maybe it’s one or the other… career or wife/mother. if he’s a doctor, don’t you think he would want someone to personally take care of the home?
I do, cow. But I also think that’s the tip of the iceberg.
This is the basic story I’m living right now. 32 invested almost 11 years into a relationship, through thick and thin, homes, businesses and his grad school. Now he’s finally where he wants to be career-wise and it was goodbye. Lots more story than that, but certainly that’s the surface tale. Having spirit I can’t say it was all goose eggs, I’ve become a much wiser person from the experience.
then who does the doctor lady get to marry??
cow, she probably doesn’t marry but I don’t think the man in this circumstance will marry either.
I am speaking in BROAD generalities here. This is a (life long)area of study for me, so when I write things like this, it’s written on a large canvass.
What it comes down to IMO is that there are always clues and if you close your eyes to them & think you’re going to wind up together/win him over you’re very likely fooling yourself.
Done this myself so I know – still kick myself. Doesnt mean it wasnt worth it at some level, just that the woman means nothing to the man…and sadly it is usually that way ’round.
Ok, now you’re scaring me. 0.0 Piss people off, give us some hints, what is this about and how can sane vulnerable romantic Libra persons like me avoid this? Considering how much individuality and “my needs” is a huge trend right now, this kind of stuff just makes me worry.
you’re probably right Elsa. I know a man and woman that met in medical school, and she decided never to practice after graduating, just to concentrate on being there for him and the kids. Many people think she’s a freak, and a giant waste of a huge education… but I see them making it work beautifully for a nice family. What’s a gal to do?
Yes my brother did this to a girl once. But I understand why from his position. I don’t agree what he did. But it does truely suck. But it does not matter how many times I try to tell the girl, she was not going to listen, sometimes we also have to take the blame when we don’t listen.
Yes please! Go ahead and piss us off, Elsa! Cloudy all-in-for-love sentimental second-guessing confused Libra here. Or maybe I’m not confused. Wait, maybe I’m a little confused but I’m not pissed off enough. Wait…maybe…well…probably not…but then again…
Ughhhhhh!!! It’s flipping exhausting.
“The truth will set you free. But first, it will piss you off.” -Gloria Steinem
This happened to my brother and he is now a bitter alcoholic.
We used to think it was this event that caused who he became but now we think it’s a pretty good bet it was he who caused the event.
and then..reading that, I also need to point out does this relationship (referred to here) even sound like love? Not to me. So did love happen for nothing. No because I still say it never happens for nothing..but if it isn’t love in the first place, well then..
hmmm
well then, to me that makes it a little easier to accept. Ok, that is what love IS NOT. let’s go see what Love IS! cuz we surely don’t wanna do that again. Or not, because you can repeat that pattern forever until you let go of stubborness and get pinged in the head enough to change your mind. I don’t want that again. I want love. I want to know what that is and how to be it. Choice is always ours..this broader canvas you talk about, that’s a great perpective to be offering 🙂
I know a lot of relationships which look just like this. It seems one of them stays in the relationship because it’s financially and sexually convenient, and when they get to the next level in their life, they’re gone.
They’re smarter than me because I’m really struggling to survive financially on my own, but at least I don’t have to live knowing I took advantage of people in such selfish manner.
I know you’re right on this. It’s awful but does seem to happen a lot.
So, how would you tell her or what would you tell her? What are the clues? It sounds like their relationship was pretty solid? I mean, how do we SEE this coming especially without the other persons’ chart? Just confused over here…
The signs are always there, though. But it’s never just one person who’s in a relationship of convenience…(ugh I dont know if I can explain this well–what I mean to get at here)
There is a big upside in the immediate day-to-day in ignoring or glossing over indicators that you are not, “the one”–that your partner is in a holding pattern that is “good enough for now” and provides a good base of operations from which to jump to that next, exciting phase of their life that does not include anything to do with you, or the two of you…
It’s easier to enjoy that day-to-day security and familiarity. To pretend that either nothing is amiss or that these things will work themselves out in good time.
So, in that sense, we become collaborators in the “good enough for now” phenom because the alternative of ending or uprooting the relationship is too scary or too hard.
I don’t even pretend to have all the answers, but will share that, IMHO, one of the most frequent glaring hints is a partner who consistently speaks of the future tense using “me” and “I” rather than “we” and “us”.
Thats a v good point CP. Apart from delusion there has to be some degree of complicity even if its unrecognised. What we do need to recognise that the cost of drifting/letting something drift like that is too high.
To support your post: Mine wasnt a relationship of convenience exactly, but became something similar in hindsight. The main reason was that I was initially too ambivalent myself, and didnt put in enough. Because of both these factors I allowed a lot more to pass than i should have or would have otherwise.
@Delooped… from a guy’s point of view , you can’t avoid completely…. but you can “minimize” the chance of getting in this kind of relationship.
**Disclaimer: The following will piss off my fellow men / guys**
“Friends with Benifits”…. don’t expect any kind of long-term commitment if you’re “bumping uglies”. Ain’t gonna happen for the 80% on guys.
Relationships change. It just happens , get used to it. If either decides to move on , don’t try to hang on… just gather your friends and have a good cry over donuts & milk. I don’t recommend wine & crumpets.
As one of the several single guys on the Boards…. this article was timely for me , too.
Painting her as a victim doesn’t fly. There are always signs, and she was just too immature to see them, or talked herself out of what they really meant. It’s still sad of course, but it’s just life. She’s young….live and learn. This will help her to be wiser and stronger and find someone more worthy of her. We all have to go through these kinds of things to some degree.
“Painting her as a victim doesn’t fly.”
I agree.
@Elsa, can u explain the statement below on a collective level?
“It will turn around on its own at some point though. I think this will be inevitable as things when things become degraded enough that people have no choice but to start to think differently.”
I am glad you chose to write about this topic – I see it ALL the time. It is my biggest fear in relationships and probably a huge reason why I haven’t dated much.
I think extended time spent in school tends to stunt your emotional growth. So when I see a couple that got together when they were teenagers, and went through years school together… I get nervous. I have no examples of a couple that lasted through multiple levels of education and came out on the other end.
And medical school (especially) is death to relationships 😛
Disclaimer: this is just my humble opinion. 🙂
Just FYI – these two did not graduate med school. I am sorry for the confusion. The med school came into it because the “old story” here is as I mentioned, man graduates med school, dumps the woman who supported him during.”
@siddiyas, that’s a complete thought. If you mean, can I elaborate, I can but I am not sure I will. I have compose very carefully on a topic this touchy because I am not a provocateur, but actually want to help people.
I think he sounds like an ass. I had someone act in a surprising manner with me. I don’t know the whole story with these two, though.
Agree with Josi here. It’ not love. They won’t even remember those feelings in a few years. Sure, they’ll remember each other, but I doubt either one will get choked up or shed a tear like it was an unrequited love. And why would that woman go through alllll of that school to just stay home? I hope she enjoys paying for that HOUSE (graduate loans) she’ll never live in. Jeeeez, women!!!! And educated at that!!! …ugh. She’ll regret it.
“So, in that sense, we become collaborators in the “good enough for now” phenom because the alternative of ending or uprooting the relationship is too scary or too hard”
We’ve all read posts / threads on here from people, usually women, musing ont heir stagnant relationship, unable to leave and move forward, but not sure they can really see any future with their current partner.
I think the reason this happens so often at a certain point in life – leaving college for the ‘real world’ – because it IS a moment when people have to get ‘get real’ and make a decision, one of many, about their future. Sometimes it takes a step change, like having to move house, to face up to making that decision
I think many men in this position, about to begin their professional life, know it’s time either to marry the girl or to leave. But most men now can get sex anywhere and any time – women too – so the pressure to marry is no longer there; marriage is usually embarked on when children come along, and for men these days that can be quite a bit later – in their 30s.
The caddishness here is possibly that she wasn’t disabused of her assumption that the relationship would progress once they were ready to out into the world.
But imo the guy’s wish to experience some freedom after being in such a long relationship at his age, is understandable, if not commendable. If they had married, my guess is they would have been divorced in a few years, possibly with small children and all kinds of messy stuff…
Too similar to my own story to go into….
there are people who are players. Those are the worst. But usually they can only sustain the act for so long, especially with these two, sounds like it was real. But maybe his chart changed at that point in his life. Maybe neither one of them expected this to happen but he just changed. it does happen, hard as it is to bear.
could be too that she was happy to put up with ignoring signs for sake of having him during those formative years.
I think this stuff is in a persons’ chart. Everyone should get their chart done upon graduating high school 🙂 Help you know your pitfall areas and learn about yourself to better protect yourself. Then again, we’re all here to learn is how I see it. We all have our own lessons. For whatever reason, they both chose this lesson and hopefully she’s ok today. It’s an awful thing to experience and can be life shattering for some.
This is classic.
It takes two to tango!
Two people divorce or break up, and (in my opinion and experience) it’s not only the person who leaves, it’s also the other person who did whatever to cultivate the environment to make it happen.
That’s why I am very careful about taking sides when people want to place blame in these break-up situations.
I will start off first by saying that I am a HUGE supporter of accountability. Take responsibility for yourself and your actions in life. Having said that, I think if you are willing to give all of yourself in a relationship and not take anything in return then you set yourself up for this type of scenario. Relationships based in real love and understanding are a PARTNERSHIP. One person should never be held above the other in terms of importance. So if you are a woman who does EVERYTHING for your man, at the expense of your own needs, then expect that this is a possible outcome. You are an employee basically and we all know that employees are replaceable/expendable.
Just my opinion here as well. A friend of mine said this to me once re: communication and partnership in a relationship – “If you are not a true partner and there isn’t clear communication of roles and responsibilities then you become either a nag or a martyr. Neither one will last long with most men.” Sometimes you have to teach them that what they REALLY want from you is a partner, not a Mother. Set the expectations clearly in the beginning and stick to it!
Right there with you both Pixie and Daisynymph. Still, when ONE person is doing bad and the other is not catching it or it’s being hidden from them deliberately, that’s when I get upset. Nobody deserves that.
@Glenn I wonder if the lesbian culture works like that as well, I find people do get very emotionally involved even as casuals. I dunno.
I withdraw my question anyway. I just didn’t want to believe that there’s immature people out there.
Maybe the fact is that 80% of relationships are based on all kinds of needs, projections etc and only 20% (at best) are really true deep long term soul connections. We all settle for less at times. We all compromise. We all are afraid of being alone and unloved. So maybe we just have to go through stuff to learn.
In the distant past people married for survival…love was not always there to start (or to finish) Choices were fewer. Now we have all these choices and options (supposedly) and romantic fantasies about Mr or Mrs right. Saturn in Libra: we still have a lot to learn.
“not a provocateur..I actually want to help people.”
I’m..writing..that..down.
@Raven, i like your comment.
Josi, it’s the truth. I have to think about this. If what is in my mind is going to take 50 or 100 years to transpire, then it makes no sense to write about it.
The message that I think is important is that you *can* avoid this, should that be your will and a person’s will is er… personal. 🙂
I know it’s the truth 🙂 I’m writing it down so I don’t forget it cuz it’s EXCELLENT truth at that. And yeah, I concur with your summation of the message too.
I’d cry but I am at work. I am 26, I invested 7years and 7months in a man who still cannot empower himself and grow. We mutually ended our relationship on Friday (Capricorn full moon)
We will still stay friends, but it hurts like hell!
He is confused and so am I, what is wrong with men who keep their insecurities and can’t grow?
I too, have thought I was maybe just a convenience.
I swear my Saturn conjunct Sun never lets me win.
=(
(((((Bretagne))))) I am so sorry. 🙁
Once upon a time in the wonderful days of yore. I met a man while I was in the military we became friends and then we got our orders. He was slated to go to Korea and I was slated to go to Germany. Neither of us wanted to go where were slated to go. There was a mandatory orientation assembly held and we were told that if we had received orders for places we were not wanting to go then if we were to get married there would be a great possibility to get our orders changed. So a deal was struck between me and this fella we would get married get our orders changed and once we were at our permanent duty station were assigned to a company we would then divorce. Didn’t exactly happen according to plan. We were married 4 days shy of 3 years and there was a son produced from this bond. The son has never met his bio-father. Guess you would say I got the best part of the deal. It was supposed to be a marriage of convenience but was anything but.
This may be an example of this kind of situation, in an advice column (correct me if I’m wrong).
dolce, that’s interesting. I really don’t know the inner dynamics of this couple. I do know at least one friend of the man’s (who told me the story) was surprised at what happened.
This story came up because I had told him things were like this (my opinion) a weeks prior. He was somewhat skeptical at that time (his nature) and then he saw this play out in his inner circle – bam.
It’s like telling someone their Saturn return is coming and getting the eye roll. 3 months later, they’re back to say, what was that you were saying..?
I have been trying to broach this subject on this blog for months because I have a deep fascination with it. But when I try to come at this, the responses are damned near incomprehensible to me so I just fall back to try another day.
I am really happy with how this post was received. I have no idea what I did right this time but I am glad people are talking about this.
Although the guy isn’t exactly going onto “bigger better”. The girl still went through the same thing, ended up with nothing for his convenience.
Dolce – thank you for sharing that link. OMFG the artist no money type. If this wasn’t a safe friendly forum I’d be cursing loudly here. lol
The first sentences in that advice column writer’s reply hit the nail on the head. Types like that guy…she is wayyyyy better off without him. He’s not worth it. She dodged a bullet there. I think all of us who had this sort of experience dodged a major bullet. We all deserve better.
I think there needs to lessons on this in school for all. And possibly billboards that say something like “Be a starving artist, knock yourself out, but admit what you are and quit using/abusing those who care about you.” Sounds harsh but this really hit close to home. Those people are Losers, in my experience anyway.
I’m glad the link was helpful! 🙂 And I agree it is a tough topic, especially for anyone who might be in the thick of it.
I hope anyone dealing with this can find the hope, faith and courage they need to get through it. I’ve been there, and although I escaped, it did take me a while to act. At the time I felt like I’d wasted 3 years.
The line that most interested me from Cary’s response:
“A relationship is not something that goes on in somebody’s head. It’s interaction between people.”
My former brother-in-law had a girlfriend who did that to him. As soon as they graduated from Berkeley, she broke up with him. He thought she had used him for his help in her chemical engineering classes, but I’m not sure that’s true. He’s brilliant, a really nice guy, and worth sticking around for so if that’s what she did, she was a fool. She got a job working for Pampers (a subsidiary of whatever huge corporation) and he was working at Dow Chemical. Not that far away from each other, really. If they had stayed together, they could have lived in a central location.
My brother-in-law eventually met someone else and married her. She wasn’t as intelligent or deep (for lack of a better word) as he, but he was a generous soul and helped her through school by letting her and her two kids live in his house with him. I didn’t think she treated him with [enough] respect, but he let her do that. I saw a recent photo of him: poor guy looks like someone right out of chemo. He doesn’t have cancer. He just looks worn out. 🙁
I think some people just have a notion that relationships in college or grad school are meant to end at graduation. Better that they didn’t marry if one of the partners had that mindset.
((Bretagne)) I’m so sorry.
You didn’t ask for advice–so please feel free to skip or disregard this from a 40’s chick who doesn’t know you or your situation personally…
[unsolicited advice –>]
Please give some serious consideration about your decision to ‘remain friends’ at this time. My personal, painful experience is that it can be a slippery slope for you both. He gets to salve twinges of being the ‘bad guy’ by pointing to your continued friendship and it can allow hope, regret and ‘what-iffing’ to fester the open wound of the ended relationship.
I’m not suggesting you hide the body or vilify him/your relationship–but rather consider whether agreeing to make a total break for at least a year might be a path that enables you both to fully feel the loss of the partnership and either a) rebuild and move on or b) reassess what recommitting would have to look like in order to really have a chance to work.
[<–end of unsolicited advice]
Mostly I guess I just want to send you all my most sincere regrets for your loss. That is really hard. 🙁
@Rachael I liked that comment too.
@CLD I agree, I got the feeling this guy wasn’t totally grown up, but who knows.
She actually wrote in, in the comments section.
“We shared many passions and interests, and were supportive of one another’s goals…I saw the red flags, but when things went south, he was very clear that he loved me and that we would work through these things, and that he was even willing to seek therapy. So, I was surprised. Looking back, I should have seen it coming…”
Because this surrounded art, them both being artists, perhaps they had the same ideas about identity, so perhaps they were trying to be too much of the same person.
She also said somewhere he wanted to be the breadwinner and couldn’t be. One thing I’ve noticed about men is that they expect to take care of their families. Not being able to do so can be emasculating and a reason for rejection of a woman.
On the flipside, even if he was able to take care of her, she was very much on the front lines with him in terms of her art. There was this old movie with Katharine Hepburn and Spencer Tracy where they were both lawyers and married. She took a case against him, and everything went crazy. At one point he yelled, “I want a wife, not a competitor!”
This is all speculation because I don’t know them, so I could be reading WAY too much into this. Take it with a grain of salt.
I also want to hug Bretagne {{Hug}}} I posted comment before seeing that post. I agree with CP’s advice but know it’s hard.
Dolce, I didn’t even see comments on that. See how this fired me up?? My flippin’ Aries Moon 🙂
Love that Hepburn/Tracey movie and remember it well. You’re right. My situation with someone like this was too similar but at least I kept it at “friends” and didn’t bite on his supposed interest in me beyond that. Benefit of being late 40’s I guess. If I were in my early 30’s it would be a different story. Been there, learned the hard way, but thankfully didn’t stick with them long at least. Still, the pain/realizations/lessons…really hard.
The emasculation thing…yes, common. And sad, stupid, pathetic and ridiculous – to me anyway.
I don’t know if I’m missing something here, but I don’t read this story as a generational tragedy for young folks — I think this is increasingly prevalent in relationships at all stages of life. Somehow your love relationships become disposable parts of the transition from one phase of life to another. Really, how is this story any different than two people who marry, make babies, then call it quits within 7 years? Same disposable partnership. Your life circumstances change and you move on, leaving your partner in your dust.
I’m not endorsing it but it seems to be the dominant trend, at least in my neck of the woods. My marriage just ended after 12 years in much the same way. Ex got tenure and bam! He dumped me after obtaining job security, for a grad student no less. Worst academic cliche there is. Yes, it was a relationship of convenience for both of us. I also went through a tenure process during it, and I also got really bored by the end of it; he just beat me to the punch. Yet we were in love for a lot of years. The relationship ran its course and ended. Period. I just don’t know that people feel they need that lifelong security of commitment when it becomes inconvenient, and this is the great tragedy of it.
@CLD – yes! Totally understand. I used to date an artist type when I was doing art, we were in the same circle. Such a bum, every girl liked him because he came off so “deep” and artistic. But he was a bum – it’s just too easy to fall for the guy strumming the guitar when you can see what’s behind it!