Dear Elsa,
I am recently married and I am in love with my husband. My problem? I think this may be an Aquarius thing, or a Venus in Aquarius thing, but I feel like I can have feelings for two different people without the feelings interfering with one another. I am extremely attracted to a coworker, and I think the attraction is mutual. I try and suppress it, as I really do not want to hurt my husband, but I feel like my pull to him just gets stronger and stronger. He is single, by the way.
What can I do? I don’t want to hurt anyone or cause anyone pain. I am not planning on cheating on my husband but I really do feel afraid that I’ll slip up, and I don’t wanna do that. How do I get over this? I feel like this is pretty typical about the way I can see things – so detached all throughout my life.
Aquarian
United States
Dear Aquarius,
You either cheat on your husband or you don’t. There is no such thing, as whoops, I slipped on a banana peel and fell on this guy’s dick. And it’s nice you can have feelings for one person that do not interfere with your feelings for another person but I suspect knowing this is going to be of little help to your husband feelings should have the affair and he finds out about it.
And you say you don’t want to hurt him but you sound like you want to slip on that banana peel real bad. And you say you have just gotten married which tells me you are at a crossroads. You are either going to be his cheating wife or his non-cheating wife.
If you want to be his cheating wife… well, I think you know what to do. If you want to be his non-cheating wife, I know how to stop something like this. And my ideas may sound incredibly pedantic to some but they are anything but. It’s very simple. Quit looking. And I have done this myself and I’ll tell you how it works.
At one point, there was a man in my environment who was tempting the living shit out of me. It was like you describe… it is always like you describe because guess what? This happens all the time. People are attracted to each other in life. It’s not special, but anyway I was somewhat committed and here comes and goes and comes and goes this guy who just looks TASTY. And I was bugged out just like you. And I sought counsel, just like you.
“I really don’t wanna…” I said.
I wondered if I should confront the situation. We were always looking at each other so how about I get this out in the open?
I was wisely advised if I did not want something to happen this would be the worst thing I could do. Telling myself I would be trying to resolve it, I would actually be escalating the thing, see.
Long story short, I did as my friend advised. I quit exchanging glances. I simply didn’t look at him any more and I am pretty sure I did us both a favor. Because that guy and I were enthralled with one another for months. And had it been “right”, there would never have been the delay or the struggle.
I bet you anything he is as relieved as I am that I let the thing pass.
Good luck.
i’ve been married for a very long time…over 18 years. there are times, even when you have a partner you love and are committed to, you can feel the heat between yourself and someone else outside your relationship. sometimes there is just sexual chemistry and it’s totally charged and you both know it…this is something you don’t control. what you do about it (or not) IS, however, something you have full control over. period.
what you feed grows. if you spend your time thinking about your husband and how much you care for him, that relationship will grow. if you spend your energy thinking about this new guy and how much you’re interested in him, THAT is what will grow. it’s up to you.
you can certainly feel attraction to more than one person, regardless of your sign. but don’t kid yourself for a mintue that you can play in both playgrounds without anybody getting hurt. more like EVERYBODY gets hurt. heck-imagine your husband having this same conversation about one of his coworkers and see how it feels from that side. this isn’t a clean situation and there’s no way to act on those impulses without things getting messy.
i often find it funny that people talk about “getting married,” like you go down to the relationship store and pick somebody out. marraige is not an event, but it’s decision that you make every day…
Hear, hear, Goddess! 🙂
for the most part i agree with elsa, except the “And had it been “right”, there would never have been the delay or the struggle.” though i guess that might be totally true for a mars/mercury, i’m just saying that that may not be true for someone else. outside of the context of already being in a committed relationship.
i think one of the easiest ways for a relationship to go catastrophic is to have different ideas of what sort of commitment the two individuals have to each other. compare the values of a marriage with its implied assumption of an attempt at permanency, and whatever *zing* you get off of the idea of someone new…. and what it means to keep your promises to someone and expect them to keep their promises to you… i mean, if you marry someone that should mean something right?
sure, you can love lots of people, all for their unique reasons as unique individuals, but how you *act* upon that makes a huge difference. and attraction alone is meaningless to me unless there’s an underlying solidity to the interaction- some kind of long term connection. (this is probably my venus/saturn talking.) one would assume a marriage would have this depth of connection. one would hope, at least. this is the question- are you a dilettante, playing at marriage, or are you in it for real? because i don’t see it as something you can do halfway.
though it’s understandable to have doubts and second guesses.
“I think this may be an Aquarius thing, or a Venus in Aquarius thing, but I feel like I can have feelings for two different people without the feelings interfering with one another.”
I find this remark funny, because I´m in a similar situation with a coworker, he being an aquarian with an aqua venus conj my juno, me being an aqua moon conjunct his sun.Venus conjuncts Saturn in the progressed composite and I guess we can go on like this forever, each carrying on with our many commitments and family/work loads, but the relationship endures, of course sex is not that important in aqua and I may fall or not finally on that particular dick…that´s not the core of the issue with aquarius,althouh I do love the image, Elsa.
Not looking is great advise.Ok.Avoiding.In my case It doesn´t work because we need to look at each other to work in a hostile environment and make decisions.Not to flicker seductively…
Avoiding glances has another downside: someone feels avoided, and reacts.
What got my attention is she has to mention and feels it’s important to mention ‘the harmless flirtation’ is single. This tells me it’s kind of an ego trip. Whenever a married person plays with a single person it’s because they’d like to have a relationship where they’re pulling all the strings and holding all the cards. Because they know .. if it doesn’t work out, if that person has wants / needs / feelings / whatever, they have the ignoramus cushion of their spouse to fall back on. If you’re going to play this game play it at least on equal footing with another married person who has a similarly tiny supply of depth and scruples…
“Whenever a married person plays with a single person it’s because they’d like to have a relationship where they’re pulling all the strings and holding all the cards.”
this sounds so unfair…who is risking more, the married or the unmarried?
and oh, so narrow
Sorry i sound sharp,but i need to be short
‘this sounds so unfair…who is risking more, the married or the unmarried?’
And that’s so cliche .. the douchebag who played with my emotions and drained my battery pack burped out the same phrase. Then I lost my job. And my health ins. etc. While he sits somewhere smugly being married.
You’re relying on the self-restraint and self-control not to mention the ‘insignificance’ of the single person if you get involved. And I can say I think at times it’d be great if that guy’s house burnt down with him, his mealy-mouthed wife and children-he-shouldn’t-of-had inside.
Move.
Get another job.
Stop thinking of the dude.