Mars is in my 1st house till November. Hard work, determination, patience and consistency! I have goals that require breaking habits. I also need to make sure these things I am working on do not over shadow people in my life- I do not want to be hyper focused and isolated- especially when mars rolls into my 2nd house-
Look at this kid! He can't wait to actually DO SOMETHING! Something big and hard that means something.
I relate to this, hard.
https://twitter.com/iamrodneysmith/status/1834607374251745377
I got a fun, new DX: Pseudobulbar Affect. My affect (physical) does not match my mood (emotional), seems apropros for Mars in Cancer. I suffer from pathological crying with certain triggers. I've known this to be a symptom of my brain injury as it's been a recurring problem for many years now, but just finally got in with a doctor who knows about it, and knows how to treat it.
@cocopeaches I had never heard of that. I searched and do not see treatment other than drugs. I'm thinking this is wrong, so I'm asking. How will your doctor treat you?
A drug made from low doses of quinine and cough syrup. I've had other doctors write "emotional lability" in my chart but they never really discuss it with me, or offer any support. This new doctor is a Physical Medicine Rehab doctor and an expert on brain injuries. He could be the head of a neuro-rehab department in the city, but I found him at a rural hospital because this is where he chose to raise his family. I really like the guy. He said his dad suffered from pseudo bulbar affect with Parkinsons, and the drug was very effective with few or no side effects. I've already tried antidepressants so I can skip those options.
He also instructed me to desensitize my scar tissue with self-massage while I distract myself by watching TV. This will be challenging because I'm averse to immersing myself in TV and the only thing that really distracts me is doing things with my hands?
I have numbness and hypersensitivity around the sites of my old injuries, on my lower mouth/jaw and my inner thigh. I had multiple traumas to my body at the same time as my brain injury, so it's all connected. My leg was struck in the collision of two motor boats, and I took a propeller straight to my jaw. Picture the laceration on soup's son's foot, and imagine that on my neck, forehead, and skull, plus 3rd degree burn on my chest, and leave me unconscious and submerged underwater for a couple of minutes. I have multiple triggers, but physical touch, or even just thinking about the sensation in these areas, is the main trigger that makes me cry profusely. Sure the experience brings up difficult emotions as well, but intellectually I'm fine with it. I can calmly explain what happened in the accident - which I don't even remember, but then go anywhere near my injuries and I dissolve into a puddle. I'm sobbing and shivering right now just writing this! It's awful. I dropped out of graduate school, twice, because I couldn't stop crying. My husband has stopped touching me because he doesn't want to make me cry. I can't count how many embarrassing episodes I've had.
I will also probably go to a new counselor to get more support for pain management. I have made a lot of progress with my current therapist over the last couple of years, but she got a new job helping kids in a trauma unit, and I think I will do well with a fresh set of eyes and ears, a lot closer to my home too. Doc did assure me it's not Complex Regional Pain Syndrome, so I can stay away from nerve drugs. Suggested an OTC supplement for nerve health.
Of course insurance is still pending approval for the drug, but I want to try it. I think it will be better than smoking weed, which was the only thing that ever helped. I haven't used any THC for 16 months. Doc gave me a work around with tonic water and cough syrup if the pill form is unaffordable.
Thanks for asking. 
@cocopeaches I'm very sorry you've suffered this. I was not aware the magnitude. Thanks for answering this so thoroughly, even though it caused you to cry!
@elsa No problem. I came across this article a couple days ago and felt that it did a great job of capturing my experience in words:
I shared it with the doc and he agreed. He said that my superpower was also my weakness. I think that's a good way of looking at it.
@cocopeaches ❤️ while not as severe, my son could talk in detail with you about this. Blood loss, feeling life leave him and being aware that it was. Telling me so on the phone...
I have a scar from navel to pubic bone. It's huge. Under each breast from underarm to mid chest. I cannot stand for anyone to touch either. I completely understand. I call them my NDE places. Numbness and hypersensitivity in different spots.
I had nothing by comparison as mine were controlled. But I can physically feel it as you describe it and have to say first... I am so glad you made it. But I understand the feelings you describe.
We never know what a person has survived. You are a miracle, truly.
@soup Thank you so much. I have a special place in my heart for anyone who has been injured by motorized spinning metal blades. Seeing that pic of your son's foot was actually cathartic for me. I never got to see my open wounds, and I don't remember anything until several days later, so those images are like missing puzzles pieces in my experience. The thing that triggered PTSD for me was hitting a deer with my car. That puzzle piece was about how fast it all happens. Moving vehicle impacts warm body, and it's instant death for that creature. I was barely able to process anything until I saw that with my own eyes in 2020. Now I've come the rest of the way through talk therapy and I'm in a much better place. I met a woman a few years ago whose leg was amputated from a lawn mower accident when she was a small child, and she instantly became my hero! I am so glad he called you... and you were there to talk him through it. That part is really life saving. I was lucky to have my friend who sang nursery rhymes to me to keep me awake, with me having seizures on the 45 min drive to the city hospital. She did not let me fall asleep. The things our bodies can do on autopilot, and their ability to heal, is truly miraculous.
@allie120 Aww thank you It's been over 18 years. I was actually fortunate to be caught in the prop, because it kept me at the surface of the water where someone could see me. Someone else did not make it, and his body was never found. The person who rescued me, unwrapped my clothing from the prop and pulled me out of the water, happened to be a stranger named Jesus. So that part is pretty cool. It happened in Central America, so I was also fortunate to get fixed up by a very good plastic surgeon. I do not look like all of that happened to me. Just a few small scars.
@cocopeaches Oh dear. I’m so sorry about the other person. I’m glad you are working through this and you’re getting the more precise help you need.
@cocopeaches I’m sorry to read what you’ve been through, and continue to experience. I’m so glad you survived. You are so strong and brave!. I wish you all the best in your continued healing.
@cocopeaches I think you are incredibly brave to have survived and recovered as you have, to be in a position to articulate it.
Our bodies remember what our minds do not. That is why it is said the first three years of life are so crucial for attachment responses. It sounds like your tears could be driven by your body's memory of that event, fighting so hard to survive.
I don't know much about reiki, but do you think it's possible to clear the energy your body has been holding on to?
@tbb My friend did reiki on me once, and it definitely felt nice. She also told me about Bessel van der kolk's "the body keeps the score," and for some reason it took several years until I was ready to read that book. Then I read it cover to cover in basically one sitting! My body is definitely storing memories that I'm not able to access. I will keep trying to clear the energy, but I think it's impossible to process grief that hasn't hit me yet. The healing journey seems to have distinct stages. Like I couldn't grieve the loss of motherhood until I reached this point in my life and realized that it's not happening for me now, because of what happened back then? I think there will be plenty more little packages of grief coming to me until I die, and I can only learn to be more prepared to accept them when they arrive. Crazy thing is that I had zero sense of loss for the first few years. I felt like I was God! Immortal? The people who saved me were the brave ones. My sense of self was so fragmented, and it's taken me this long for it to come back together to the point of being able to face reality. I feel like I've reached adulthood in my second life.
@cocopeaches your story makes me really grateful to be alive. What it means to be human is really so deep and fascinating. I think there are little gifts in the scars of trauma, whether visible or not. There is so much strength behind it. I do not intend to downplay how difficult it must continue to be. Hopefully you will continue to gain more from what your grief opens up to you.
@tbb I don't get the feeling you're downplaying any of it. It makes me really glad to hear that my story makes you feel grateful to be alive, and raises thoughts about the meaning of our humanity. That is the highest compliment! Thank you.
Another winnah!
https://twitter.com/iamrodneysmith/status/1834661972845248586
Doc gave me a work around with tonic water and cough syrup if the pill form is unaffordable.
What part of the body is to be affected by the treatment? I don't mean to be nosy, so if it feels that way to you, please ignore me. I'm just very curious, the angle here.
@elsa Cough suppressant acts on the part of the brain that controls reflexes. Usually we can control some reflexes with a top-down executive function, but when the brain is injured there can be a loss of control. Quinine affects how the body metabolizes the cough suppressant, so it can reach the brain in a more useful form.
@cocopeaches very interesting. Thank you. Please let us know if it works for you.
@elsa I will, and I will weigh the pros and cons very carefully. I'm also curious what the life insurance underwriters will think. They did not like my combo of head injury + marijuana, so I was denied and told to reapply after getting sober. That was helpful info to have as motivation to take sobriety seriously, especially since it was very different from the message I was getting from my regular doctor.
You are truly a walking miracle!
Quinine is the root of HCQ, and quinine can be bought OTC, so your doctor should be able to cobble together something healthier than sugary or artificially sweetened tonic.
I've known a couple of people with PTSD who've had great success with EFT, aka "Tapping." You've probably tried it?
Right back at you @warped ! We all are, and that's the one truth that I have found at the bottom of it all. I appreciate your gift for looking at things from multiple angles and sharing helpful info with others.
I've never tried tapping (or EMDR which I think is in a similar vein) but if I ever come across an opportunity to try either of them, I most definitely would give either of them a try. I'm not even sure that PTSD is my main problem though. I don't suffer from flashbacks at all. I'm excited that this new doctor is approaching the emotional outbursts as a neurological problem. I'm hoping my insurance is going to cover the pill form so I don't have to mess around with titrating cough syrup. Most of all I prefer to avoid red dye!