@Esther: He who wrote it has Mercury conj Pluto in Virgo...no wonder those words are powerful. He has also faced his maternal issues, since his birth was a result of failed abortion.
Well, my mother accused me having too many feelings, too, and her sister (my Libra aunt) is a nutcase and can never make up her mind, to the extent of getting us all crazy. So, as if in some kind of punishment, I showed no emotions and many years later I would be diagnosed with Asperger's. F*** it!
@canscocap. I had to read a bit about Asperger's to somewhat understand. And, damn! This is exactly the result I'm dealing with, too. If you learn that showing emotions is punishable, one becomes a master at hiding them!
My understanding of this has been made complicated because of my mother's research into sexual abuse and psychology over the last 25 years. This is part of the reason why I wouldn't be able to make it through this mess without a professional's help.
I have Alice Miller books--from my mother. She owns them, too. She knows more than anyone, about psychology. So she believes. One of my siblings is a psychologist, but according to my mother it was a poor career choice--she makes a terrible psychologist. It was that sibling who, about 10 years ago, told me that she believed our mother was a narcissist. I was in full-protective mode of my mother so I of course denied it. Divide and conquer, see.:(
When I was a depressed and suicidal teenager, she would rage at me I was a fraud and a "master manipulator." I went to her about my bulimia, I was told I wasn't bulimic. My depression was a ploy to ruin her life. I left home at 16 and she wrote me hundreds of letters telling me she was going to kill herself because of me. I have no idea where I got my strength from. My will to live eventually trumps everything, I guess.
My mother will change on a dime. If I express emotion, I am to buck up and get over it. It's not a big deal. If I stifle it and appear to be suffering, I should pack it in, quit work, move back to their home. If I stifle it and appear to be happy, or AM happy, then I am picked at--there must be something wrong with me.
My mother has a library that fills most of a room in her home of self-help books. Lots and lots of books about sexual abuse, some very graphic and horrific. I read a lot of them when I was a kid (like, under the age of 12). When I was about 10 (can't exactly remember) she started going to a support group for sexual abuse victims. She was sexually assaulted as a young person and yes it affected her, I don't deny that. But I also believe she fed off of other's stories.
When I was in highschool she started a business providing research material for people and mental health professionals who treat people who have suffered from sexual abuse. Keep in mind this is a person who has never finished highschool or took any formal training except one course at a college. At one point shortly before I left home she had one of the bedrooms converted into a lounge and began offering her "services" to people who suffered from sexual abuse. Her premise was always to help people (Mercury/BML in Pisces/8th opposing Neptune) but while my Dad believed this was true, the one sister and I still at home were like, SHE IS FUCKED. So the biggest issue with me getting counseling (other than I was trying to destroy her) was that I was ruining her reputation in the mental health field.
My mother is fucked. Completely and utterly fucked in the head and while I do see her frequently I dread when my father passes away. I have already been told that there will be no funeral and none of the children are allowed to participate in the spreading of the ashes. As his children, we are not important. She as his wife is the most important.
It is taking me a long time to face up to the pain of my childhood. I thought I had dealt with it but I see now with this Pluto transit that it is a never-ending job to accept myself.
True to form, I entered a LTR with a man who, with Elsa and my psychologist's help, I have been able to admit was a highly, HIGHLY manipulative person whose behaviour mimicked my mothers.
In fact, when they (ex and mother) first met-- my mother laughed and said "you are dating your mother." I wish then, what I knew now. I spent 8 years believing I was a selfish controlling bitch for wanting a sofa, wanting to use the bathroom with the door closed, not wanting sex twice a day, or pajamas, or a sofa, or a birthday card, or to accompany me to a funeral, or to visit with my friends, or to answer the phone when my hands were full (that was something that annoyed me a lot actually---he would turn the ringer off the phone when I wasn't paying attention). I had sex whenever he wanted because I thought that's what good partners did.
Anyway, I am out of that relationship and in a new one--one in which I feel loved. And for the first time in my life I feel supported enough to face this and it hurts. It hurts like nothing else. I wish I could put it into words the extent of the damage of what feels like constant psychic assault from someone who claims to love me.
I do have hope I can get through this. I have a lot of hope. Thanks for listening and thanks for sharing what you guys wrote, too. It means a lot to be able to share this and not be told I am small/lying/etc.
cansocap I don't want to misunderstand--do you have Asperger's? Or was this a false diagnosis? I'm really sorry! And I'm sorry you still have to live at home!
Hey Kash, I read my first Alice Miller book from my mothers bookshelf. My mother is a therapist, with a private practice and the director of a large child abuse prevention organization with national affiliations.She specializes in sexual abuse.
She was sexually abused by her family as a child.I can't tell you how many people have come up to me and said "your mother saved my life"
There is also a group of people who banded together because they have worked with her and feel she is deeply fucked.
She often threated to kill herself if I was living out of state, or basicly enjoying myself or succeeding..
I don't have time to write more right this sec. but I feel you on all this.. big time.
sending love
Wow omie, I don't even know what to say about that. I am so sorry. 🙁
love to you, too