She often threated to kill herself if I was living out of state, or basicly enjoying myself or succeeding..
omie, this happened to my sister too. Ma kept saying she'd kill herself if my sister left home. My Dad encouraged her but she turned up to see me (I was at college) and I had to talk her into doing it - she's a year older than me btw. She was 24 - and in a terrible emotional state.
Then Ma tried to stop her getting married a year or so later. When she couldn't do that, she took over the wedding. But completely - Sis never even saw her wedding photos or video til I found them in the attic after Ma died (it was in the will everything like that in the house was to go in a skip, but I talked the executors out of that 😉
My BIL refused to see her after the first ten years, and they both had to stop Ma seeing their kids when they were 5/7. She started treating them differently just as she had us - the girl came first and was adored and spoiled by Ma, just like Sis, and the boy was quite handicapped (forceps birth which went a bit wrong) and he was treated as I was - not as bad, she didn't have the power or the access; but definitely being set up already for similar
Like you eva and your bro, my sister could see Ma for what she was - but she remained always in thrall to her, in spite of not speaking to her at all for about 10 years mid 80s>90s. When she did start seeing Ma again, she sank right back into her clutches
I really feel you have to get away from such people and stay away - otherwise they will suck you in like a black hole
This video of Karyl McBride may be of interest.
"I don't by the way believe such people are capable of love, as we understand it."
@BP. If you cannot love yourself you cannot love someone else. This also reminds me of Satori's post earlier this year.
@Julian. Thank you! I watched it, and she's as clear in her manner of speaking as in her writing.
The thing is, though, when she was alive I was very, very angry. Now it's just a fight to the death that both of us lost. When I hear people talking about their narcissistic parents now I realize the rage that goes along with this and I know that there was nothing i could have done to change the dynamic, but I am sad now. I don't have the rage. Now I'm dumbfounded. I wish it could have been better. I wish I had somehow become what she wanted me to be -- whatever that was.
When she died people came up to me and told me all about how wonderful she was, how bright and clever and fascinating and accomplished she was, and I just felt numb inside. It was all true, but I had the same sense that no one but my brother and I saw what was really going on. And no one saw us, they saw my mother, to the very end. None of the interesting, wealthy, hypereducated women my mother called friends liked me at all. The only way I could defend myself would have been to tell the truth about our relationship, but I didn't.
I just want to say that if your N parent is still living, give up on the rage or trying to change someone who is in a world of serious denial. It's better to leave and do the best you can to grow up. The more energy you spend on this the more you'll regret it later, because the rage, which is part of what differentiates you -- individuates you -- is a poor replacement for becoming a whole person. It may be cold comfort but it will never give you back the time you wasted being angry at someone you love deeply, who will never change.
I'm still working on my decision whether or not to amputate her. I probably should, but can't bring myself to do this, at least not now. I'm still trying to figure out what is real and what is my Neptune going wild, so to speak. I'm working on this, but it's going to take some time. I'm reading a lot of stuff about this, and consider going into therapy. I have serious trust issues though, and that includes trusting a therapist.
My nieces and nephew have a mother like this. She's a Leo, Sun conjunct Venus, trine Jupiter, opposite Saturn. Cancer Moon square Libra Mars. Venus square Neptune.
Everything she ever did or does is for show. And everything her daughters ever did was to get her attention. For my oldest niece, that meant overdoing it with mom's hand-picked activities when she was young, and running away as a teen.
She doesn't have a relationship, or so it seems, with her son. He completely ignores her while she screams at him. She comes from a family of "strong", actually very self-centered, women who have no use for men and show it.
She only had kids because people around her were having kids, and she didn't want to be upstaged. Only thing is when she had 'em, she didn't know what to do with 'em. She's a classic case of someone who should never have had kids...IMHO...