In fact for much of my life I turned my back on it all - stayed away for long periods and didn't think much about it, except when trying to explain stuff about my childhood to freinds (ie newer friends). It's only later in life I've spent a lot of time again, thinking it through, and esp obviously, since the whole thing finally destroyed my bond with my sister (Ma left the will to cause the max trouble possible in the family, and it did)

I've also revisited it all in the light of my new awareness of astrology and how that has played out in this relationship, which has been quite fascinating. I mean Ma's chart....!! and my Cancer Saturn opposing my Sun/Venus! And all those T-squares involving Jupiter/Juno + Chiron etc etc. Classic!

Thanks for clarifying how you feel, Eva. I see what you mean about being engrossed and having the energy of that going awry and I agree with you. (Which is why I see a professional).

:). I've been thinking i need to do that, too, Kashmiri. Now that I have insurance and all....

For me anger is not the big thing. I just want to be left alone. I am highly Urainian. So I think that helps. Once I understood most of the patterns I could walk away. It still causes me pain and sadness, I would love to have a mother, but I am so much better off without one. I couldn't do half the things I do if she was still in my life.

For me the hardest part right now is the humiliation and ostrasisim I face with my family and commuinity for not being in contact.

My ex-husband my brother and some former friends are all about how selfish I am. My brother lives far away and I think that works for him, but they all feel basicly I am ruining everyone's lives...

I would like to move away, and this is supposed to be a crime because my children would not see my mother. I don't want them to see eachother anyway, but my ex-husband spends a lot of time with my mother, dispite not even liking her... and the kids see her that way... etc..

I hate fighting so I really just want everyone to let me be.

Sorry getting a little off topic here.

anyway,

just sending everyone here so much love, I have been thingking about this thread all day.

BP I think in a way I find it easier to examine with astrology. I really do believe in astrology and the astrology of our synastry chart as well as my own chart fits. Another tool to understand ourselves and our experience.

I have been thinking about this thread all day, too. I will see my mother this weekend. It's my Dad's 85th birthday tomorrow.

I understand just wanting to be left alone, Omie, I do. I bought a one way ticket to Europe when I was 20 and didn't see her for almost 4 years. It gave me a lot of space to work through the anger, because I was very angry when I was that age. I also have Pluto transit in my 12th for my entire 20s so uncovered a lot.