What does emotional manipulation in a relationship look like? As an individual, what can one do about it to be a better, more self aware person and, ultimately, partner?
I am in a relatively new relationship and this Venus retrograde has been tough, to say the least. We got together before the retrograde but I didn't anticipate how hard this would be. I am essentially an optimist but I am not afraid of reality. Lots of Saturn. Neither of us was probably ready for a serious relationship but we've called it a happy mistake :). Both of us have kind of challenging charts with tons of cardinal energy and I know this retrograde was lighting things up for the both of us. We have taken a step back and are taking things more slowly.
I am a little worried once Venus goes direct. I've read that while it's not necessarily a good time to end relationships, it will expose things about the relationship that ultimately may break it up once Venus goes direct. As a long time reader of Elsa, I don't want to be fatalistic with astrology about my relationship. I want to own my own stuff and this time period has shown me some patterns within myself that have hurt my relationships in the past and could injure current/future relationship. I am realizing the tendency I have to be emotionally manipulative.
I have to humble myself and say that I'm not sure if I know any other of being. I am very afraid of this, not realizing what it is, completely. I want to learn to be healthier emotionally, in relationship and out. I think this might be a major key to unlocking other parts of my personality (such as letting go without so much pain, if I have to).
I am coming up on my first Saturn return. I have an exact Saturn/moon square and a lonely Venus (even though she's my chart ruler-Libra Rising).
Any advice/wisdom/experience concerning emotional manipulation? (sorry for the long post!)
Hi, Buendia.
One way of emotional manipulation is going 'hot', or 'cold'. It's not always malicious, but it may be a sign of insecurity of one's self.
Going 'hot' means you give your lover you're dating lots and lots of attention, and affection. Then sometimes a person will go cold. Going 'cold' means you suddenly drift back, detach, and become more emotionally distant from your boyfriend/girlfriend.
This can give a person's lover insecurities, especially if their boyfriend/girlfriend has a lack of boundaries, or sense of self, themselves. Going hot and cold with a person can do that to them.
Usually, a person that does that (hot-and-cold) may also have problems getting close to people, because they're afraid of losing a person they love.
Sometimes going hot and cold can also be a way of being in control, or feeling power. It can be a power play.
There are other ways of being emotionally manipulative, but hot-and-cold is one way of emotionally manipulating someone.
Emotional blackmail is an extreme form in which the abuser uses the FOG principle (Fear, Obligation, Doubt) to get the other person to do what they want.
http://outofthefog.website/top-100-trait-blog/2015/11/4/emotional-blackmail
Gaslighting is another form. Saying/implying insulting things then denying they were ever said.
In a past relationship, my ex would basically throw fits to get what he wanted from me. Screaming, throwing shit, physical intimidation. Towards the end he started telling me he was going to kill me. I know this is extreme but he just had to up the ante as I got less scared of him. That's ultimately what it comes down to FEAR. If you feel afraid of someone on any level, then there's a power imbalance and it's not healthy. (That fog thing that bluemagoo mentioned is so right. I'd never heard about it before but it was true in my case.)
As a side note, I don't regret any of it. I squeezed every ounce of wisdom i could out of it and dealt with my fear that I'd been raised with. (Crazy father too. The same emotionally immature outbursts).
I do have a question for you. Why are you mad? You've identified your resentment but have you figured out the catalyst for it. I think that would help.
Having to tiptoe around someone or being the person that others have to tiptoe around.