I need to heal something but I can't put a finger on what it is. I'd like to try to heal it through understanding myself more deeply. While it's not *unique to me* it's pretty me specific (I haven't met too many others like this). So probably not going to respond to general advice about things - i.e., Buddhist philosophies etc.
But I think it's something like this - I've had an idea of what I've wanted most of my life. It didn't happen. And now I'm heartbroken around it-daily. It's like a heartbreak I carry with me that just won't heal.
I'm so tired of it, today I tried to bear down further. Not to confuse matters (because the above paragraph pretty much says it all) but it's almost like I fell off the face of the earth, yet I'm still living. Like everything I wanted is gone and forgotten about and I still go about daily life. Even though it's painful and I've deeply lost myself (in favor of years and years and years of survival). I have a "victim part" of me that just wants to know that maybe one day things can get better.
But a lot of it feels dependent on other people/other things. Like "if things were just this way" - I could feel ___________________ (I'm looking at this list of NVC needs) ( https://www.sociocracyforall.org/nvc-feelings-and-needs-list/) - For instance, connection harmony joy connection mutuality, etc.
I think there is a real "needs" basis to this. Getting needs met. And I'm afraid I'm very very bad at this. I don't know why. I see other people my age (middle-age) have at least a dozen of these things and I feel like I have none. Or at least not the ones I truly hope to have in this lifetime.
Anyway, I just can't seem to get over the things I didn't get that I truly wanted and am afraid I'll never have. Could this possibly show up in my chart? I'm guessing it might be something "fixed" for lack of a better word (not sure what that word is in astrological terms) but I wonder if it could be or might be healed/transformed.
Oh well. I don't know how to edit the above post so that the image (from the link I posted) doesn't take up half my post. I wasn't expecting that to be there.
I'm sorry you're feeling this way. I think you have a lot of company. I have a lot of ideas but you did not post your chart so it's hard to say what might be applicable.
Here it is
You are not alone, and I think it's very much a mid-life kind of thing to go through. But on top of that, you have Saturn transiting your 1st house, and that can be a tough time for anyone. I don't think there's an easy fix - you need to dig deep, and try to make some lemonade out of whatever lemons you have. You have Jupiter in Sagittarius, so take that optimism and hold onto it.
@kim Thank you. Any length of time for Saturn transit? Things aren't tough anymore like they were with Pluto direct to my son and moon and going back and forth. But something does feel quite tough lately -- like existential tough.
@capdb March 2024 is when Saturn leaves your 1st house. Saturn is also currently conjunct your natal Venus, so that could be a part of it, too.
@capdb No, this is very temporary! About two months, and Saturn will no longer be conjunct your natal Venus. It's a good time to evaluate your relationships.
After I wrote the original post here - which seemed quite cryptic to me at the time I was writing it, I got an insight. I feel like I was going along as best I could and then something big happened. And I never quite "recovered" -- like I never recovered myself. This is also prob pretty common. But it's like there was enough willingness right before that after an upbringing of being someone I was not to finally let myself be myself more and explore the things I wanted and then this thing came along and I went back to not being who I am (for the most part). it's gotten so painful that I wrote about it here the other night.