I've made some of my most extreme, life-altering fuckups with good intentions. That does things to you.

Also, someone else shared the blame in all of my others, except for three I'll never tell. But I'm the one who pays the price. I accept it, I'm just not happy about it and don't understand why.

I was bullied growing up and had a lot of angst due to my very religious upbringing. I had art as therapy and martial arts, but there came a time when I was a teenager and didn't utilize those outlets which caused my angst to turn into anger and depression (mars-pluto opposition). With all that anger, I bullied my sensitive little Virgo brother, something I regret and still think about to this day. Years ago, I made amends with myself and also him by calling him to apologize and explain why I bullied him. He said he didn't understand why I was so hard on him then. I told him that he was a mirror, a reflection I did not like at the time. He was able to show his sensitivity and be loved while I felt like I had to hide mine when internally I was in such emotional turmoil (suicidal). Being bullied- I had to put on a strong facade when in reality, I felt like the world was against me. Even my own family. Hurt people hurt people. That's no excuse though.

We had some good times, but there were also a few times when I was cruel to him and he didn't deserve that. That year of my life was one of my lowest points. A low that I vowed to never go back to. Before his mom passed away, she promised me to look after them and it's a promise that I've tried to keep.

We are great now. We have a pretty good relationship. I got him his first job. I got him a hotel room for prom. I've supported him at his basketball games. I give him advice. And I genuinely just try to be there for him and all of my family, in general. When we talk, we say "I love you" (something I say to all of my family). The first time we said it though, I cried when I got off of the phone because I had felt extremely guilty for being such a mean person to him in the past. But he forgave me and it really changed my world. I still feel guilty every now and then about it and my mind tries to shout at me "YOU'RE A HORRIBLE PERSON FOR THAT" and I have to talk myself out of it; that I was going through a fucked up time in my life and released all of my wrath in the wrong way, the same way it was done to me by kids/people who were probably going through their own shit and took it out on me. I hate that I fall into that category. I didn't do irreparable damage, thankfully. Just mean older sibling shit. But it affected me deeply because that's just not who I like to think I am. But it was for a brief moment. I am forever thankful to him for not holding a grudge against me.

I actually had a dream last night, that I don't remember, but I woke up thinking that I love both of my younger brothers and so glad that we have a good relationship. I'm getting teary eyed thinking about it. So this is very timely. It's not something I'd like to admit, but I'm doing this for representation as someone who's been bullied and have also bullied in my lowest point. 

If I can forgive my bullies, including my father and two of my sisters, forgiveness towards me is possible and he showed me that. He showed me that I'm a human that makes mistakes, but I'm also capable of being loved despite it all. Now I make an effort to be kind to all especially since you never know what people are going through. I don't want to kick anyone while they're down.