So my daughter had been in bad shape for some weeks and it’s very strange about my life, but whenever I (and others) think it can’t get any worse, it does! ::smiles::
And anyone who knows me would tell you this is the case which means my friends have to have superior coping skills just to be my friends. Because fact is, it’s very hard to love someone and watch them suffer the way I (and my family) do.
So things will go along pretty poorly, and then drop a few degrees and then they’ll drop a few more degrees, and then another few degrees, etc. And as things advance (I think of it that way because I know we are going through something) I react in ways that are predictable and very human, or at least typical for the type human I am.
With the tide up to our necks (my son is also intimately affected of course) it’s very important I remain afloat. I just can’t crash, obviously. I am the mother!
So I try to maintain a certain level of function. My daughter doesn’t go to school, does not mean my son does not go to school, for example. My goal is to have both kids in school and learning each day but I take what I can get.
And I try to maintain other things. This blog, for one. It’s very important to me and it’s good for my daughter to see me coping. It empowers her. It gives her faith that we are merely going through something that can be gotten through. Life is going on. Because the times she has seem me scared… well she has become terrified. So I try to maintain the illusion (Neptune) of stability (Saturn). I try to keep the house… not in shambles and I try to fulfill my commitments and maintain my relationships regardless of the rising water.
I think if I were in the Titanic movie, I would be one of musicians in the quartet at the end who continue to play their instruments as the ship sinks. And were they in denial? Well no. It’s just that crisis happens and some people just live through them… to the living end if this is what is coming and I would be one of these types. For example, I will probably post a blog the day I die. Wanna bet?
Another thing I try to do is to maintain my optimism. This is fairly easy for me, due my nature. But it doesn’t come without a price. Because when you’re constantly expecting tomorrow to be better and it winds up worse, which causes you to expect the next day to be better and IT winds up worse. And when this pattern continues to repeat itself… after awhile it becomes a set up for a mighty big fall. Which does happen to me. On occasion I just lose my mind.
For example, I always hope the next day or the next week my daughter will be able to go back to school and I hope this mindlessly. My hope is not based in logic. My hope comes from the fact that it’s my nature to be hopeful. But sometimes the veil will drop and Neptune types understand the horror when this happens.
All the sudden I’ll think, hold on now. She hasn’t been to school reliably in a month. What makes you think she’ll make it next month? And hey! School gets out in May! She may not make it the rest of the year! Duh!
And when I start thinking like this, I do get overwhelmed. Already completely saturated, I can become overwhelmed with negative thoughts and feeling that just cascade one after another.
Well she missed most of 6th grade and now 7th. What if she misses 8th? 9th? 10th? 19th? What if she never goes back to school? What if this is all it ever is? What if, what if, what if?
And intellectually I can know all about living in the moment, but at times a moment when I can do that eludes me right up until the beach rises up under my feet and I find myself grounded again. Whew!
Skip to “Making a Bid For Control”
Can you relate to this cycle of faith and optimism followed by despair?
Catch up with “Coping… The Present Conditions…”
OR the whole 9 yards – -> The Coping with Saturn Neptune blogs – various stories and anecdotes start here: It’s a Hall of Mirrors and We’re All In it
I’ve learned the phrase, “Well, it can’t get any worse” is useless. I used to believe it and it nearly killed me!
However, I sincerely hope things do get much, much better for Mosta…and consequently you and Tum.
Yes, I can relate.
{{hugs}} Hoping for the best for all three of you.
Hi Elsa. It is really sad to read your post, and I have no words. Just to say in my life I have had some hard challenges with no hope sometimes. But it is true, if your child sees you strong and optimistic, the main thing if she sees you happy and enjoying sometimes, she will be happy and will enjoy too. It will be a good thing.
I had to see the suffering of my mother, because of an autistic sister. Believe me it was hard to deal with that disease for all of us, it was more hard infinitely more hard to see my parents sad, crying and defeated. As a child in someway any person adapts to a reality, sadness or still poverty if feels guided. The best moments our parents gave to us was these moments where they forgot the disease and the destiny and all we could be and family, moments where our parents could don’t deny the happynes and the plenty of life. That is not denial, We could integrate our sister’s disease in our lifes how something natural, without drama. Our parents couldn’t, they worried atrociously, …. They died and solutions come naturally. The future of my sister is sure and confortable with limitations of her disease. (She is at a excelent institution now)
Nobody knows how things could evolve, I don’t know of me or my family tomorrow. Please Elsa, face the problem one at time, and keep your hopes, and keep your smile. I am not an believer however I keep my thoughts for the improvement of health of your child, I dont‚
I live through that kind of faith daily…or else I would fall appart and my kids would suffer more than they already do.
I’ve learned to be cautious about my happiness, because I’ve learned that for every up, there is a down (or maybe I watched Disney’s Sword in the Stone too many times! ;-)). But I’ve also learned to cope, because these are all things I have zero control over and fighting the tide only makes me drown.
Elsa, you are such an inspiration, not only to your daughter!:) I am in awe of your energy. We all are! (Aren’t we?:)
As for myself; for the last two weeks, I’ve been extremely tired and I’m going through something of an existential crisis. I always thought I was a humble person, but now I realize I’ve been doing the “humbler than thou”, passive-aggressive stuff.
(Yes, I’ve read all about Mars in Libra – the difference is now I know in my gut that “yep, that really is me”) How pathetic! And I’m supposed to be this image of self-sufficiency, when in reality my back is breaking. Papers are due, lots of exams are coming up; there’s so much to cover that I’ll never ever be able to do a decent job of any of it… What a convenient time to realize that the role I’ve created for myself isn’t working for me at all. I owe it to the people in my life to offer them more of myself, but this dawns on me at the least convenient time in years.
About offering more of myself – my Saturn is at 12 deg Leo – the only planet in a personal house.
My Mars and Pluto are simply loving the current transit of Chiron (14 deg Aqua) – my Saturn certainly isn’t.
As for the faith and optimism – all I can do is laugh the whole thing in the face – it’s too much! I’m sure my dreamlife these days must be meaningful and interesting (I don’t really remember much of them, lol) because I wake up refreshed every morning even though I go to bed a little down in the dumps.
Now, to the reason I wanted to post in this thread to begin with! I just “happened upon” (as a foreign speaker, I think that expression is hilarious) a quote today that could have at least some relevance for the Saturn – Neptune theme:
(Even if I was moved by it as an 8th house Sun in Virgo! complete with a tight, 4-planet Pluto-stellium)
“Without your wounds, where would your power be? The very angels themselves cannot persuade the wretched and blundering children on Earth
as can one human being broken on the wheels of living. In love’s service, only the wounded can serve”.
Thornton Wilder (1987-1975)
I found it in the biography of satirist/stand-up comedian Bill Hicks (which I finished reading about an hour ago); it was quoted by a friend at his memorial service.
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Bill Hicks was a super-(hyper?)-Sadge, born Dec. 16th 1961 in Valdosta, GA at about 2.30am, if anyone’s interested. Time of death: Feb. 26th 1994 at 11.20pm. His Sun, Mercury and Mars are on my ASC – I hear him loud and clear!:)
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I’m sorry about the long rant – I never write posts this long on any other website! Maybe I have good synastry with Elsa and/or the blog? Hmmm…:)