Does my boyfriend regret leaving me? I’m often asked this question. Typically the answer is no.
I don’t say that to be harsh. I thought a post like this might help people who are consuming themselves over the loss of some old lover to move on.
No, he (she) does not regret leaving you. It may surprise you to hear this put bluntly but when people, mull over their relationship history, they tend to think about all the good things they did and said. They focus on the sacrifices they made and the overall wonder of their being while ignoring the sacrifices the other person made, the good things the other person did and said, etc.
They also deny, minimize or justify the less savory bits of their personalities. They simply fail to see how they taxed the other person; cost them in some way that brought their partner to a breaking point.
It’s easy to see why someone would do this. They’ve already been left and it’s human nature to want to shore yourself up and feel better. You want the person so be wracked with regret but they rarely are.
Most people don’t want to be alone. They leave a relationship when they realize they can’t sustain it or that the bad outweighs the good. If someone broke up with you, it means that for them the bad outweighed the good, even if you can list 700 million things that are good about you.
Do you want a person who have broken up with you to feel regret? Why?
My ego does-but I’d prefer they keep themselves and their remorse waaaaayyyy over there. Preferably under a handy Metro bus. 😛
(so, yeah–I’m not yet a glowy ball of enlightenment just yet… ;D )
A FB compadre had posted, “You can’t get ahead if you’re always trying to get even.” I think a tweak of it has some application to the topic…
“You can’t leave ’em behind if you’re always trying to get even.” (not that you’re talking about revenge here, Elsa, it just jumped up as closely related).
True for some, but there are those folks can’t see the good in anything. They do all the things you described above – but as justification for why they are good and should reject the other. So it then becomes “do they regret I left them?”
I don’t regret leaving anybody so I wouldn’t wish any of my exes to feel bad about it either. I’d like them to think of all the fond memories, sure. Howeverm I AM a venus in sag and a few of my exes have had venus in scorpio – I think they have a hard time letting go more than I do.
Either way, forgiveness to me means wishing the best for someone….not wanting them to pine over you 🙂
Yes, I wouldn’t want them shorting the next person, the way they shorted me.
Not an old love…more like, a love that never happened. Obsessed about it for far too long. I could almost feel my head coming out of the clouds today…weird.
Ugh, no way!!!! It seems like every man I’ve ever been with regrets, and it pisses me off. Do I want ANYONE to go around feeling they are a day late and a dollar shirt? NO. I already know I’m awesome. I don’t need to hear how you’ve just woken up to the fact now that the relationship is over.
LOL I meant dollar short…but who wants to feel like a dollar shirt, anyway?
h. – i totally have the same issue. I tend to attract venus-neptune types that re-envision how the relationship was AFTER I’m gone, even if he was the one to break up with me.
and then BAM regrets and “please talk to me again!”
He only regrets what he did when it comes to the true situation for him (I can’t say what it was, but when I remember that…). When he was trying to get somewhere with me, after I’d told him where to go (when he finally admitted it – six months later), he apologized for not always having shown me his best side, and for making me feel bad about myself in any way – that stunned me, that actually stunned me – but he didn’t regret doing what hurt me in the first place, so I couldn’t stand to be around him even as a friend.
He then gets smug and tries to backtrack, making it sound as though he never cared that much, and I found him blaming women for everything somewhere. something about how a certain serial killer would never have done what he did to women, if he’d ever had a good experience with one (not true for the guy in question). Other than “WTF?”over that, I regret investing anything in him emotionally, and trusting him at all. I’m sure he’s regretted it at times, but not because of me – except for the time when I told him where to go, once again. He regretted admitting it.
So, yes – I’d like him to learn to take responsibility for his actions, as he was telling me to, when trying to shove all of the blame on me.
Again with the long comment. Sorry.
Yes, I hope so. He is violent abuser control freak. Sun cj Mars. Never acknowledged his part in any of it and never apologized. I am out of it now but wish I had called police because maybe he would have had to face himself. I know I cannot make him do that. (And yes, I am aware of my role in the situation.)
(((Luna))) I can only imagine what you had to put up with..hope you are in a better place now.
“Do you want a person who have broken up with you to feel regret? Why?”
nope..would just like them to let the heck go.
boy..don’t go away mad..just go away
Aries Sun, Thanks. Need all the hugs I can get.
I feel regret
I have dreamt of my ex twice this past week, and they’ve been complex yet clear dreams… I have been in a great relationship for almost two years now, and found it puzzling to dream about the ex… I guess I wonder if he regrets. I don’t. It probably just wasn’t clear to me what happened in the end ; something hasn’t been resolved, and I don’t know what it is.
Luna. ♥ 🙁
I wasn’t physically abused, but the guy I mentioned kept messing with my head. I forgot to add in my comment that had his apology been sincere, we would be friends – the words just coming from him, surprised the hell out of me, and I warned him that I was still incredibly angry. Rather than just let me be, he started to justify his actions, and then changed his story about this and that, and the way he felt about me. He was doing my head in, and he knew I wasn’t in a good emotional state – taking advantage of my being vulnerable after experiencing two deaths.
He had admitted to violent thoughts, to one act of violence when younger, and said that his jealousy and lack of trust resulted in the loss of his ex (years ago). He has Mars conjunct Saturn, square Mars, and sextile his Sun/Moon. He started to get help, late in 2010, so I hope he sorts himself out. There’s a lot of goodness there, but it’s mixed with a lot of bitterness towards women, and at times, most people in general. I was stupid to even think about ‘going there’ with him, but would back off or let him know that I expected him to get help, if he felt that way – I told him that I trusted him to do the right thing – but I guess he had to get mixed up in other things, and actually lose someone else who was important to him, before getting that help. Now he’s back to acting all smug, ugh. I know that he knows his mistakes, even if he won’t admit to it outright, because he went for help, and I told him that that was a good thing. ♥
well actually I think that there are cycles to a relationship. First of all most of them dont last forever, that just doesnt happen anymore. So in the beginning, when you’re really hurt, you tend to plead your case before the invisible jury in order to determine who was right and who was wrong. Later though you realize you sort of also suck and the next thing to assimilate is that the relationship no longer exists so it really doesn’t matter how marvelous you are, or they are. It’s over, it’s in the past.
At that point no one can really afford regret, you know? It all goes to the 12th house. So I would say, I guess, most people do have their regrets but it’s healthier for even the one you wish desperately could have seen your point of view to move on.
It seems like what a person is really asking, when they ask if that person regrets leaving them, is if there is still a relationship. Because regret is another way of storing energy in the past. It’s almost the same thing as asking if someone still loves you. If it was a significant affair the answer always has to be yes, but.
Is it regret when they say “I wish it could have been more”? Is it that they didn’t want to GIVE more, or COULDN’T give more? And if so, being left holding an empty bag doesn’t feel good. Do you throw the bag away? OR hope they may change their mind and come back? If they did would you want them? For some hope springs eternal. For others it’s just a done deal and they will not waste time on such a thing. And some will pine away until the end of time. But would I want the other to feel regret? Not if it meant that they saw me in a “lesser than” light and came back only due to pity. NO!!
Y E S
Wow. It just occurred to me that I’ve been the leaver instead of the leavee since 1993. Uranus in the 7th! No regrets ever. Spot-on about the bad outweighing the good, even if there were 700 million good things about them.
“Later though you realize you sort of also suck and the next thing to assimilate is that the relationship no longer exists so it really doesn’t matter how marvelous you are, or they are. It’s over, it’s in the past. At that point no one can really afford regret”
Brilliant.
I don’t think there is any one correct answer here. some people regret and some don’t depending on the person and circumstances.
I am missing my ex and I wish he regretted the way he acted with me. I am I wish he’d miss me enough to apologize and talk to me and come back.
There are other relationships that I don’t care whether they care or not, but the most recent, yes, I care and I hope.
no, but some of them i’d really like to know if they’re happy. not that i could really do anything one way or another to chance that at this point, i guess :/ but i still care about them.
i did the leaving, mostly. and when i didn’t, i should have…
Day late and dollar shirt lol! To funny but we get it and its a true statement.to make a long story short my ex left me for a girl that had a nice shape,at first I was jealous but once I found out that she was a 20 dollar bl@w job hoe I laughed my ass off.I guess the grass wasn’t greener on the other side,then I laughed even more when she tried to make me jealous,what a dumb ass how is she gonna make me jealous about him when he was with me first.now every chance he gets he’s trying to ask me how im doing,and running down my friends asking about me.well he’s a day late and a dollar short.lol good lucck guys everything will be fine the tables do turn.trust me.
Hi elsa, morning guys I hope uou all got a chance to read my comments.yes the nerve of my ex,and the girl he left me for was always throwing in my face that she was with him,but now since they broke up,everytime she’s sees me she walks in the opposite direction.why is she embarrassed lol.the tables always turns.have a good day to all.
I have been pining for a dumb Aqua dude since late 2009 when I dumped him… being an aqua he always shows back up at intervals but yes, its finally sticking into my brain that his wishy washy ways mean he is Just Not That Into Me.. (or else he would of actually come back).
Of course, I have analysed our synastry to death and it seems great, I worry I wont find it like that again (and maybe he wont either?) – we never fought ever, just got along but he did not want a r/ship and I thought I did
I want to let go and accept it, its been 2 years of pining, but I don’t know if I can.. Never ever been like this before (but I am scorp venus which doesnt help)
Loving from afar is ok anyway if you accept that is all it is, or that is what I tell myself to feel better lol
I have mixed feelings. I wanted to be friends, reached out after three months with a nice letter about all the good stuff. Then when he responded I blew him away with my anger that I didn’t even know was there. It’s definitely better this way, at least for me. It’s hard because he’s going through a bad time in his life ( a year-long Saturn Return, his mom in the hospital, his estranged sister is home again and bugging him) and I think he could use a friend. Still, he’s 59 years old – I guess it’s time he grew up and he has to do that on his own. It is hard to watch the train wreck, though, when you truly care about the person hurting. We’re both Venus conjunct Uranus – makes for a strange relationship.
And Elsa – thanks, I needed this. I need to know it’s OK to detach. I’m trying to unwind our lives and find a way to keep friends/family without constant contact. I feel like I keep ripping off the scab and that’s not helping me heal. Wake up and smell the coffee time – if he’d wanted me around, he would have kept me around. If, by some chance, he ever regrets what he did, I guess he’ll just have to deal with that himself. In the meantime, I need to take care of myself and just not worry about him. It’s really hard to break established mindsets – but I think I see it now.
Great blog.
“If the train doesn’t stop at your station, it isn’t your train” and
“If the wrong train is stopped at your station and you’re not letting it move on, the train that is supposed to be stopped at your station, can’t get in!”
I like these train quotes!. Simple but ohhh so true 🙂
“They simply fail to see how they taxed the other person;”
This is the only thing I would want the ex to realize once a relationship goes south.
I just can’t stand the EGO sometimes.
I think it’s an ego thing to want them to regret it.
I always left the relationships first, and that’s because they were not working out, so I like to pretend they never existed after that (Aquarius ASC). I don’t care if they miss me or not because I just move forward (Sun Trine Mars).
This last one is where he left me, and I jumped at the chance to divorce him. He’ll regret trashing this relationship in about seven years. By that time, I plan on being firmly entrenched in a happy relationship to where he is just some guy who was a part of someone else’s life.
When people are mean and screw things up for no reason other than their twisted egos, they deserve to feel massive regret and to have to live with it the rest of their lives (Pluto Virgo 7th).
Thanks Elsa, just what I needed to hear!
I’m Angela, above, and I didn’t tax them until certain things happened and I realized things were done – because there was no getting around it for me. I checked my own mistakes, and wouldn’t let him push them onto my shoulders; if I’d been more confident, then I would have let it, and him, go, but it happened when I was at a low point, and just about pushed me over the edge.
I mourn the lost time – my time, wasted – but I also see that I was talking to them for so long, hoping that the pin would drop.. it had to keep hitting me, over And over, that he’d made certain choices, and chosen them over me and my feelings, and that things would never be the same. I just couldn’t believe my bad luck, either. “No, not NOW. Why this, NOW?”
My exes/corpses always come back to reconcile. Their tender words were a day late and a dollar short. I want them be happy… but not with me. Aries Sun, Cancer Rising, Cap Moon, Venus in Pisces.
This blogpost and all the comments are exactly what I needed to read right now. Thank you all.
Interesting Isernia that you always left first, because that’s my history also. And like you I have Pluto in the 7th…mine’s in Leo. I know that makes us the dominant one in a relationship, so it’s just logical that we would be the one to leave, when it’s time to go. Both of my marriages had sunk to intolerable lows IMO, but neither man wanted a divorce. Go figure!
Norah – Same here. I stayed way too long in each of them. The first time was out of some kind of twisted determination to make my marriage work because I’m not a quitter, and an eternal optimist.
The second one involved three kids, so as soon as I saw my chance to extricate myself, I took it (he thought I’d be forced to beg him back). To quote Bugs Bunny, “He don’t know me very well, do he?”
I’m a bolter. I push people away. Nonverbally ofcourse. I just stop responding, and disappear… so, I can only say I regret this with one person. I would never wish regret on anyone, not even that person. As for the others, I could care less.
Isernia.. I could have written your first paragraph above to describe myself..in both of my failed marriages. But in my case, with Cap rising, as Elsa I think pointed out, Saturn rules my chart and therefore, even though I’m a can-do person..cardinal air Libra, I am ruled by fear, which I have to overcome to extricate myself from a bad situation. For that reason, I too was a reluctant quitter. But now that I have freed myself and have overcome my fear of living alone, I’ve come to enjoy it more and more. That’s why I’m actually grateful for my Pluto in the 7th. It really does make it possible to be “a phoenix rising from the ashes.” I love this blog because I’ve learned so much about myself here. And that’s empowering beyond belief. I’m really grateful to all who contribute here, even though I’m mainly a lurker. 🙂
Of course, all this self knowledge is inevitable probably, with Pluto transiting my 12th house! :-O
This was something I learned about during the first time Saturn squared my Venus as an adult (Saturn in Leo to Venus in Scorpio). That was the first time I purchased a consult from Elsa!
It was very difficult to assimilate the reality that when the bad outweighs the good, they leave. A lot of times (and I think this comes from being very Saturnine/Plutonian) I hear much later that there was regret, or gratefulness, but the lesson at the time is about letting go. And also that if you don’t give good value in a relationship, or if you are simply not what is wanted, you won’t be someone else’s focus.
I see my most recent ex heading into Saturn opp Moon and then Saturn sq Venus, and I feel a complex mix of things. Sorry for him, because I know what sort of brutalizing he’s about to experience. Satisfaction, that he’s going to probably going to experience the other side of the coin of how he treated me.
Then I look back and remember telling my ex in 2007 that I didn’t think I loved him… only to find out the oh-so-hard way after our breakup how much I did. And that’s what I think is likely to happen for my recent ex, who said that same thing to me. These patterns repeat themselves as we teach each other.
So letting go has gotten easier for me over time, and I try to focus on the current joys of life (sometimes to accusations of being detached, which is hilarious to me with my Venus in Scorpio and Moon/Mars conj Pluto). But of course, sometimes, I do wonder what they felt. I just don’t let it control me… any more.
“They leave a relationship when they realize they can’t sustain it…” for whatever reason.
I have a friend who may still be in this mindset. If she doesn’t want him back, she wants him to suffer at some point in the future. I feel that it is the most unproductive use of energy. This has been going on for about 3 years.
So suitable for Venus retrograde! My high school ex reached out to me over Facebook this summer. Even though I unfriended him many years ago, I accepted once again. I was really curious as to what his deal was, so we had lunch and saw each other for the first time in 20 years. He spent half the time talking about how wonderful his new gf is and barely asked me about my life.
I don’t get it—he’s the one who dumped me 25 years ago. I don’t know why he reaches out every few years. What is my role in his movie?
But through all of this, I’ve realized I need to leave Facebook altogether. My goal is to remove myself altogether by Friday—Venus going into retrograde—I’m getting out of Dodge!
I used to want him to regret NOT choosing me.it was an ego thing bruised by the recent battering of midlife. After a few years of struggling to acceptance now I am content just being friends. A sense of freedom finally.
Im dreading what usually happens next with me. Whenever I would pull away in these cases and start being friends, they realize they want something with me.
Quite frankly Im tired of it. Virgo. Once its dead theres no resurrection.
I had a surreal experience with this situation.
My mom married her high school boyfriend when she was 19.
I’ll call him Rick. My mom would have waited to marry, but
she was desperate to get out of an abusive relationship with
her mother and my mom was fatherless.
My mom complained to me that Rick was emotionally cold, she
described him as a stuffed shirt and that she felt unloved
so she divorced him. She took custody of their daughter
and she ended up meeting my dad and having me. I knew Rick
some, and he was always very nice to me but I could tell he
was rather quiet.
After my mom died, I got to know Rick very well. He wanted
to tell me all about when he dated my mom and how much he
loved her. He was married to another woman at this time,
and she was as cold toward him as my mom complained he had
been toward her. My mom was a very warm and loving person.
Anyway, Rick insisted that he should have stayed married to
my mom. It was weird to hear, because he was married to
his third wife at the time and he was very happily married
to his second wife when I came along and knew him. I first
knew him to be just crazy about his wife, and much deeper
in love with her than he had been with my mom. Second wife
left him for another man.
So I just chalked up Rick’s longing for my mom as nostalgia.
I told my sister, Rick’s daughter about it all and she was
absolutely livid. She insisted that Rick never gave our
mom the love she craved and that he was indeed cold and
unresponsive.
No, I do wish that they saw their part in screwing the relationship over, instead of possibly scapegoating me, though!
I wouldn’t want her to feel regret because I feel like feelings of regret causes pain and she doesn’t deserve pain, but I wonder if she ever does have feelings of regret. I definitely do. I don’t believe anyone except the person who did the breaking up can answer whether or not they regret it or not though, it’s just an answer not a lot of people people are going to admit to one way or another and it’s an answer people aren’t always going to get to hear, but that’s just my opinion.