My New Friend Is Cultivating My Old Friends

capricorn vintage silver medalDear Elsa,

I’m writing you to ask your advice on a friend of mine. We both work together and have only known each other a few months, but we’ve grown close quickly… maybe almost too close. I’m starting to wonder how to handle situations with her. Let me explain.

She is a quiet girl, and doesn’t have too many friends but has a loyal boyfriend. She’s been coming with me to various events with other friends of mine and even gotten involved in some classes I’m taking and become very inspired by many new concepts through me.

When I took her to a recent party, she remarked that she enjoyed talking with a friend of mine because she could get to know the real person and no longer see that person as “Christine’s friend”. I understood what she meant but also felt a bit funny about the way she said it.

Recently, I went out with her for her birthday and brought along a close friend of mine. We were the only three people at her party, but it was still fun. Now, I am just about to prepare for a trip abroad for a month and there’s an event this Saturday which I told her about. The other night, she called me to ask me if I thought it was a good idea to invite my friend and whether I would do that for her.

In that moment, I felt very manipulated and shocked. I guess I have more respect for the friends of my friends and usually would only suggest that if we could all get together. I feel as if she doesn’t respect the fact that my friends are special to me and feels they are hers, too. I ended up giving her his contact info but feeling badly about it. Am I overreacting?

Double Capricorn
United States

Dear Capricorn,

I don’t think you are overreacting. I would feel used myself which would give rise to feelings or mistrust that would be uncomfortable.

Now I am sure there are lighter fare folks out there who would read this situation otherwise.  You could be criticized or seen as a control freak for example but I see a pattern here and think your hit on this is correct: you brought her in too soon and I am sorry.

Good luck.


5 thoughts on “My New Friend Is Cultivating My Old Friends”

  1. I have one of those libra moments of not deciding about this sort of thing.

    On the one hand I’d feel a little like the girl was trying to pirate my friends and feel hurt/concerned about that.

    But, the girl is lonely and quiet (shy?), her new friend is leaving town for awhile, there’s an event she would like to attend while her friend is away (which her friend suggested) and I can see having that wavering back and forth. Go alone? With her boyfriend? Or ask her new friend double capricorn if they would/could invite someone with whom they’d like to develop a friendship . . In fact the way it is phrased up there ^ sounds to me as though she was asking permission.

    But then if they girl is making double capricorn uncomfortable because she has gotten ‘too close’ then maybe the new friend is a little wonky and I’d feel by passing on my friend’s information like she was using my good rep to get in with my friends and would possibly do harm to it . .

    So I’m not sure.

  2. Is this a scoprio moon issue? Scorpio jealousy is pretty off the charts. In one of Elsa videos she points out that scorpio wants to be like Aquarius, and be able to get over it rather than chewing there arm off over it. But I completely understand this feeling. Boundaries seems to be the issue to me though. Shes getting a little to close to fast. Perhaps loyalty to. You want to be loyal to your new friend but she now is not returning your favor by hanging with your other friend while you are out of town.

  3. Exactly, exactly.

    On the one hand, I like to help my friends out, but something tells me this girl wouldn’t respect me in the end, or maybe is just oblivious about how these things go. I see her behaving like this more in the future, which makes me want to back off a bit, or otherwise she’ll become a kind of shadow of me or something. I think I just have realized my limitations. What troubles me is how to say no to this sort of thing in the future without feeling badly.

  4. I would go with my instincts, right or no about this. If you have a weird feeling, you shouldn’t have to feel weird. Do what makes you feel good about the situation and I understand being wary about people like that. Esp if you are the type to live openly and take people as they are. I like to give the benefit of the doubt, but if my radar is up, it’s up.

  5. My mother was like this. When I was a teenager and in my early 20s, my mother would take over the conversation if I brought home a friend…even boyfriends. Later she inserted herself in a group of peoplel that I enjoyed their company. I found myself competing with my mother over one of my acqaintances and I walked away. I left the group to her. My mother was friendless and bored.
    I recently acquired someone like this. I saw her ask a mutual acquaintance for the address of a friend of hers she had just meant to send him a birthday card. Her response was, “Why would you do that?” Ended it right there.
    Funny thing I noticed she is protective of a group of people we both know, but she has known longer.

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