Dear Elsa,
I’ve been seeing a married man for 7 wonderful months. He is visiting from out of town, but will be leaving in a few weeks. I am dreading having to utter the words, “goodbye.” I’ve been seeing him a few times a month because his work hours are so hectic. He has been married for 3 years and has no children with his wife.
During a phone conversation early on, he uttered words “I could fall right in love with you.” What do you suppose he meant by this? He has never expressed his feelings to me face to face, but his eyes say so much. I want to tell him how I honestly feel for him before he leaves to go home for good.
Do you think I should impose on our last wonderful night together and tell him how I feel?
Enchanted
Dear Enchanted,
I don’t think it matters one way or the other. I think you’ve been seduced by a cad who has used you for the last seven months. And that you fell for this at 40 years old is just plain painful.
Is he going to care if you profess your undying love on his way out of town? He’s not. He’s going to go home and no doubt as soon as he gets there, he’s going to screw his wife, then go trolling for his next piece of ass on the side.
So you see, it makes no difference what you do. You’re going to feel like crap as soon as reality hits. If you want to fix that, you’re going to have to take a hard look at why you involved yourself in this in the first place. For insight into that, I would look to all this Capricorn in your chart, and Saturn tied up with Venus.
Could it be you’re trying to please Daddy? And steal him from Mommy? I say, time to get real.
Good luck.
Have a question? Need advice? Ask here!
Or….
Maybe it would be a good idea to profess your love…maybe it will be cleansing for you…have you ever done this…is there courage involved…are you testing your boundaries…is this one of those life’s lesson that needs to go through to the end including the entire process of professing your love?
What is to come from it,….well that is clear NOBODY,..NOT You or WE HAVE ANY IDEA…But what is a for sure thing,…is that asking others about such a profound situation particularity married women is sure to be received in a biased way with massive projections. This is the kind of question that stirs the pot and MAYBE just maybe that is what’s meant.
Stir your pot and the many other’s pot who are reading answering or guiding you. Afterall,…T’is an uncomfortable thing to think about.
Hmm. Jo, you’re not going to be standing alone with this response. While I think that in general, 90% of the time Elsa is going to be right in her assessment in a case like this, I’ve lived just long enough to see the instances where I can’t quite condemn as easily.
I think we first have to realize that not every marriage is based on love. Not every married man or woman is attached to a normal loving relationship, for whatever reason. Some marry others for convenience, money, “because everyone marries”, because they want kids now, etc. Some people fool kindhearted others into a walk to the altar. I’ve had a few friends, male and female, intelligent and clear-headed, be utterly fooled and end up married to people who are basically soul-dead succubus types. I know someone now trapped in a situation like this and it is heart-breaking, six excruciating years sliding by. Culturally, he cannot get out. His friends are begging him to save his life (maybe I should say, sanity — it’s really, really bad). He is trying to hang in there because of his parents. I know another who married rapidly upon the unexpected death of a brother, and the wife is a stone cold user who treats him horridly, to the point mutual friends can’t be around them for fear of saying something. I know a woman married to a guy who views her as “I married a blonde at 30 for my business presence” and little more. She’s crushed; fell in love, thought it was real. I know a few people abroad, men and women, who married because “it was time” so they married whoever came by. Now a few years later they tell me how lonely they are, but, what can they do… People tumble into unwise lust marriages, convenience marriages. Let’s not pretend they don’t. Then they might tumble into something for a jot of emotional recharge or sense of any kind of closeness in a cold world. How often do we read the stars are terrifying people? Throwing out beams of lust? Making people feel lost, scared, viewing an empty tunnel? So, that said, maybe “relationships” like this are the result? You write about it…now here’s what happens.
My point: dating a married person isn’t wise or admirable or something one leaps to do. Let the married person get a divorce if possible; and otherwise find someone else who’s single from the many out there….90% of the time. But sometimes, I think there can be sincerely lonely or searching or resigned people who somehow feel unmarried at heart, who then suddenly click with someone, and there isn’t really what we would think of as a “marriage” emotionally blocking their connection. Maybe their connection is just of the moment. Maybe it goes on and changes things. That said, the most miserable married people I know say cheating is wrong. But, who knows.
So sure, my first instinct is “ugh, he’s a cad, she needs to wake up!” and then my second is….it’s a big world and every story is personal. Or, maybe this is some cad but it’s part of her journey to go through this, wake, and find something real in her educated ass-beaten state.” I don’t think impacting someone’s marriage is admirable; I do think if you have daddy issues, commitment or thrill issues, take care of them on your own time not on the toes of someone’s marriage.
But, I think sometimes there are curve balls in life, too, that aren’t covered in the manual.
By reading about astrology, we automatically agree that planets are a little more than rock chunks in space. With this same open mind, I think it behooves us to at least consider that like a planet, a married man or woman, or a relationship with one, might, sometimes, contain a story that is more than what we first think we see.
This ‘analysis’ was completely refreshing. I’m not so sure Elsa or anyone else should be quick to judge another one’s path. I will leave it at that. There is going to be a whole lot of projection on this one for sure.
In my twenties I had an affair with a married man over a 4 year period. It was a tumultuous and costly affair. two abortions. It destroyed my twenties. He is now still with his wife and they have two kids. I am now in my mid thirties, been married for some and expecting my first child in 1 month with an awesome husband. During the whole time of my affair, my husband was living in the same building as me, and we went to the same school, but my head was spending too much time clinging to this married man’s ‘coulds’ and ‘maybes’, I never took notice.
2 cents:
1. The responses here may sound like they are about judgment/projection/morality, that the comments are somewhat skewed by our need to uphold our moral principles and quell our fears of the ‘other woman’ – so much so we can’t appreciate the romance or intensity in this particular story. Certainly morality/right/wrong do come into the picture. Of course it is wrong to cheat on one’s spouse. Of course it is wrong to facilitate this as a mistress.
But really, I believe the responses on here are informed by history and experience, and a simple biological understanding of how men work: THE MAN RARELY LEAVES. Yes he may be unhappy. Their marriage may be on the rocks. In his own twisted way, he may actually be ‘in love’. He may be lonely! It doesnt matter – he will not leave her. He is simply behaving in keeping with his evolutionary tendencies and opportunistically seeking something outside of his marriage, while enjoying the security of the institution at the same time. This story is as old as fire and many women’s hearts and lives have been destroyed by the slight window of hope that their relationship may indeed be the ‘exception’. I ruined my entire twenties based on this premise. If the story by Enchanted is the ‘exception’ and there is more to it than meets the eye, he needs to leave his wife, plain and simple. There needs to be evidence of commitment.
As for dissecting this man’s words of ‘I could fall in love with you’, this guy doesn’t deserve our time of day. Simple words by a simple man desperate for some ass. Using the word ‘could’ to instil the slight glimmer of hope, with no guarantees or commitment. They don’t call them sweet nothings for nothing.
I don’t like giving advice but urge women to remain objective. Yes every story is personal and individual. Always look at the evidence. Matters of the heart need to be assessed with the same level of objectivity that we use to make other life decisions – because so much more is at stake.
Thanks for NOT being judgemental. I too agree that not everyone marries for love. It took courage for this person to post. And im all too familiar with the scenario..
I don’t know. I’m another married woman, but my bullshit alert button just went off. Sure, he “could” love you, but he’s going home to his wife, not leaving her. Just because they have no children doesn’t mean their marriage is on the rocks. I know. Maybe his wife doesn’t understand him. The poor thing.
He is just pushing your buttons and telling you what he knows you want to hear so he can get what he wants. The minute you tell him how you feel, he’s going to move on. Don’t do it. He isn’t worth your love. Walk away with your self esteem. No matter what his eyes say, that’s just temporary and he has an ulterior motive (hot sex). He’s going to look at his wife with the same eyes and say the same sweet nothings to her when he gets home.
I know you don’t want to hear that, but if you did get involved with this guy, he would do the same thing to you that he is doing to his current wife. You deserve better than that.
I know, I know he’s probably very charming, but it would be better to put your energy into someone that isn’t married.
Exactly this. “I COULD fall in love with you,” isn’t “I’m in love with you.” Even if he says those words, real love as in the type he supposedly professed to his wife may not be in his emotional vocabulary. Real love isn’t the fire and passion of an elicit affair. Its dirty dishes and folding laundry with someone. I don’t necessarily mean marriage, I just mean its part of the mundane and when a person steps out on their marriage I can’t help but wonder if its because they feel bored by the reality of it.
Your feelings are completely real, but are they for him, or is there something else you’re getting out of this experience that isn’t really “love”? He probably won’t reciprocate if you do confess however it could be good to get him to tell you how he really feels.
I learned the hard way, careful word choices and passionate eyes without concrete plans are the tools of a man who isn’t ready for a relationship or one who doesn’t want to be with you. I mean he could, but in 7 months if he hasn’t told you how he’s felt yet, you may want to take that as an answer. He would have told you by now if he wanted to make you a serious part of his future because he’s leaving soon and knows as well as you do that you have to say goodbye.
It’ll hurt if you do let it go, but its better if its on your terms, not his. If however you just feel a deep need to follow this through, it may be a Pluto transit and it will transform you.
this is good advice.
I’m reminded of so many sad/sorrowful stories like this one, but mostly they’re of fictional variety. When it’s real, like this, it’s very sad.
I also know of people who know people (my close relatives who are related to others) that are going through this. It’s very shameful in the family, but what can you do? The man/husband has mistresses and children from those mistresses. The entire affair is very sad. But on the outside, they have this kind of content marriage. And when you meet the grown children of the mistress, you think and wonder…wha–? how did this happen? I don’t believe it… but it happens and it’s not uncommon i heard.
I know we’re not supposed to pass judgment these days – how dare we!! But I think it’s also still true that if we used our judgment and followed some kind of moral compass, a lot of these problems simply wouldn’t find themselves in our laps. This kind of “learning experience” is sort of expected for a young woman, but you’d think that at 40, this is not her first time at the rodeo?
When I was about 22, many moons ago, I met a charming man at a nightclub. He was good-looking, not married and was in town on business. We hit it off, so a couple of nights later, we went out to dinner.
He wanted to make a real impression on me, so he gave me this book to read, can’t remember what it was, but it was some kind of philosophy book that we had talked about. I just thought he was the greatest. I started looking at the book at dinner and something fell out of it, so I picked it up. It was a picture of him and his wife!
I confronted him right then and there and he admitted he was married. He said it didn’t matter. I told him it did to me! The dinner was over, right then. Lying piece of crap.
lol he thought to make you his next mistress. 😛
I worked with a lady who worked on a married man until he left his wife. She was really burnt when he left HER for another woman. Get it?
Well I will pass judgement. There are plenty of single men roaming the earth. Go find one. If you are messing with a married man or woman… you deserve exactly what you get.
Whatever happened to the difference between right and wrong? It’s just that simple.
For Pete’s sake if you are doing a married man he is either never going to leave his wife or he will leave her and do the same to you.
I often wonder what a woman is thinking. Why would you do that to another person? I have never met a man that is worth this.
So not to project or anything…. just talking about lying and cheating.
Of course he hasn’t said he loves you. He doesn’t. But he lusts you… you can drop your pants then lose your heart and soul and maybe hurt another innocent person doing it or tell him to go pound salt.
Really….who trusts a guy like this. I would rather be alone.
Some self control and a divorce is a good idea. Once he is divorced go get him. He wont want you then, but give it a shot.
People do get married for a lot of reasons…. still, they are married. I think giving a promise and your word is important.
If I met a person that I thought would rock my world and make me as happy as I could ever be and my current relationship were dead I would make it real simple. Leave the current relationship first.
Further, I don’t think anyone has the right to destroy a family while they are trying to get their life lessons in order. How selfish! I am married and not biased. I have a best friend who found herself shattered by this situation. She caused herself great psychological harm. She may never get over it. I know she hasn’t been herself for over 6 years. It broke her into pieces.
A person is going to do whatever they are going to do. You can give them advice and they will screw the guy anyway but I find that it comes from a real lack of self control and a selfish need to take care of your own needs without thinking of what you’ll do to the third party involved. Which screams volumes about character.
Why don’t people just get divorced and screw everyone they want? You could live your whole life just f’ing the brains out of everyone that comes along and never have to destroy another person in the process.
A very attractive man found his way to the front door of my biz about a year ago. I asked him what his live in lady would think should she find out he appeared at my door.
He said she would cut my balls off. I responded …well then if you would like to keep your testicles I suggest you leave because I will call her.
I have never heard from him again. He wanted to keep his gal at home doing what he needed her to do and for some unforeseen reason thought he could show up at my door.
I wanted to slap his face. How disrespectful to think I would screw him or entertain any of his shenanigans. I can’t stand men like this. Bet you a million he is screwing someone right now that fell for it.
What soup said. Thanks for saving me the typing. I don’t post a lot but honest to god, expecting this to end in any other way than what elsa predicted is only going to make the end that much more painful. It doesn’t matter what you tell him or don’t tell him. If it makes you feel better, say it. It won’t matter one bit as far as the end result. I rarely feel so certain about making proclamations like this but I know this to be true, and I am not totally unsympathetic to your position. After all, he’s the asshole breaking his vows.
Glad you slapped some sense into this woman Elsa.
I don’t even like reading scenarios like this in books or seeing them on TV or the movies. Yuck.
Well Saturn has left libra. It’s not pretty in Scorpio but it sure has lessons to teach. Great post Elsa
You know, I did something like this about ten years ago with a married man, age 42… it was a little more unequal, I was 17 but still old enough to know better. The words sound nearly identical, also the “eyes”. There’s this great article about “chick crack” (http://www.xojane.com/sex/chick-crack, words that sort of trigger a euphoric response in us), and I admit that I’m biased– EXTREMELY biased– but it sounds like pretty words and looks, nothing more. I may be wrong.
But there is nothing I have ever done that I regret more than participating. It’s fucking awful to realize you’ve compromised your morals seeking essentially just a heightened emotional state, because it’s almost definitely not going to result in anything concrete. Again, EXTREME BIAS so filter it as necessary.
Being a woman burned by her husband doing this to her . . . he is a piece of shit and so is she. Neither party has any real morals or character. He cheated on his wife, he will cheat on you. Elsa is right and who cares if she (or I) come off as judgmental or harsh. Don’t sympathize with the devil! That’s the problem with the world today, no one is willing to beat the wrong party over the head and scream BAD! while doing so – so people think they can just do and take whatever they want when its NOT theirs. Whoooooo he LOVES you. Yeah I bet he loves something, but its NOT you. So how you going to explain this to his wife when you end up pregnant with his kid? Yeah I’m still waiting for an answer from the piece of trash knocked up with MY husband’s kid. You going to tell her that marriage doesn’t matter? You going to expect him to marry you? HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Bitch please. All they do is crawl back . . . every time . . .
My husband that that, “I could fall in love with you…” means, “hurry up and get your britches off – I have somewhere I gotta be.”
LOL Elsa, your husband hit that nail on the head 😀
lmao!! next stop. Budapest. i’m reminded of that song, “The wanderer” by Dion and the Belmonts. In the lyrics, “i kiss ’em and hug ’em, cause to me they’re all the same…going through life w/out a care.”
and if he finds himself falling for some girl, he hops into that car and drives away… the commitment-phobe.
Well I’m going to weigh in here because this topic has been in my life since Saturn entered Scorpio. I’m Scorpio Sun and Mercury, Sag Moon in 7th, Venus in Libra in 5th. I have a married man in my life. We have never touched each other. But we are that once-in-a-lifetime thing that you may not even see in a lifetime. While this may threaten someone else’s sense of security or generate projections, it has caused me to think a lot about the institution of marriage. The current version of which was created by the church to address matters of property (i.e., real estate, but for centuries wives were also considered property).
Making a promise is a good thing. Making a promise for life is impossible. All we ever have is this moment. I believe in love, and I believe some people can stay together for life. I believe in working hard on relationships. And I believe that over the current span of adult life, the paths of two partners may have to diverge in order for them to reach their fullest potential. Divorce is legal for a reason.
I think what the guy in this scenario did is wrong, and he’s a selfish narcissist. But I’m not thrilled with the institution of marriage at the moment, and since we’re in the season of Pluto-Uranus and Cardinal Grand Cross, let’s ask ourselves about these institutions, these “promises.” Where did they come from? Whom are they supposed to serve? What good is it if someone is staying just because they said they would? Can’t we commit to this moment and give each other the freedom to be exactly who we are in that moment? No, I’m not a hippie, I’m a Scorpio! I commit deeply, but with Pluto I am all about getting at the truth in a relationship and seeing what’s really there. Sometimes what’s there can be worked on and a relationship can flourish from that work. Sometimes what’s there is a relationship whose time has run its course. “Because I promised” just isn’t enough for me in that case. And when the culture, the institution, the family, whomever, puts the pressure on someone to push aside their true feelings, to swallow their true identity, to hide themselves in service to…what…an idea of forever rooted in crusty old property rights issues? I think that’s wrong.
Of course, it’s more complicated that I can say here – people stay in bad relationships for many, many reasons. But I am so over the “I made a promise” thing. I believe in love. I believe in staying in a relationship and making it work. I don’t believe in making promises for life.
“we are that once-in-a-lifetime thing that you may not even see in a lifetime.”
May I ask, what aspects does your 5th house Libra Venus make? The statement I quoted sounds very “Venus in Libra”. Venus in Libra can be a beautiful thing. However, it can also have a tendency to idealize and create a fantasy about a relationship. Sometimes they can have more of a relationship with the ideal of a relationship instead of the other person in the relationship. That is why I asked what aspects that your Venus makes to other planets or points in your natal chart. 🙂
Sometimes you can’t control that enchantment until reality jump kicks your soul painfully back into reality. There are lessons that just need to be taught the hardest way possible. Do you actually love the person? or do you love the DREAM??
My Scorpio Moon/Saturn conjunct tightly with this beautiful Scorpio Neptune/Moon man. We DROWNED and got LOST in a deep dark Scorpio Neptunian ocean. It didn’t help that we both had double-whammy Venus/Sun/Mars-Neptune with Mars-Pluto and Venus-Pluto in both synastry and composite aspects. Our bond was telepathic, karmic, magical and deeply erotic. We loved together in the most beautiful dream.
It was until transit Saturn conjunct my natal Saturn that both of us were able to get pulled out of the endless hole of Neptune. There was also the fact that he texted someone else the same beautiful sweet nothings he once told me. Since most of our aspects are in fixed Scorpio and cardinal Capricorn. Our feelings will never change but because of duty and responsibility (aka marriage and children), we had to do the right thing and let each other go….very painfully.
ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS. Do not trust or love a man who:
1.) Keeps you in a secret relationship and does not acknowledge you in public or elsewhere in his heart.
2.) Does not profess the words “I Love You.” or make any kind of commitments with you before getting into your pants.
the end.
To the person with the married person in their life . . . maybe you don’t believe in marriage or question the validity of it. BUT the MARRIED person in your life believed in it at some point and got MARRIED (and apparently still is despite your presence . . . hmmmm I guess your REAL IMPORTANT). Still a promise, still a commitment. The problem is people like you who want to say it doesn’t matter. IT DOES. It mattered to ME. People these days however are so attuned to the grass is always greener on the other side bullshit, they will make any excuse in their head to get what they want. Who cares who you hurt, or step on, families you break up – just as long as you GET YOURS. Sounds pretty narcissistic to me!!!! Maybe marriage doesn’t matter to you, but maybe you should ask HIS WIFE how she feels about all that. You don’t have anything special “once in a lifetime” thing . . . your just the OTHER WOMAN. Unimportant. Trying to make yourself feel important. Good luck there honey. Way to waste your life on something you can’t have.
I see something a little different. This person knows their time is limited. She hasn’t mentioned trying to get him to stay, just the prospect of discussing feelings. I feel like if she got involved with this person, she had to know it was a limited thing. Why assume that is the point she is hung up on. Maybe, she just wants an exit interview. Maybe she wants some validation and a memorable goodbye. I went on a few dates with a married man before deciding that it wasnt for me, but it could never have been more than me getting my needs met while helping with his. (We never did anything beyond getting to know eachother). That is not to say that despite the pragmatism of that kind of relationship, there could not be genuine affection like you might feel towards any friend. I say don’t get your hopes up because if it was good, that should be good enough, and dispite feelings that might be there, if it hasn’t been a part of what you had, there is the risk of going out of bounds and making things uncomfortable, when your goal should be to capture the best of what you legitimately had, rather than wrap it all up into something different. If this is the situation you were in and it was ok, that is what you get to remember it as. I suspect maybe the reason a lady at 40 is in a situation like this is because it better suits her needs than a conventional commited relationship. That doesn’t entitle her to the perks of the paths not taken though.
it rarely ends well. we want “love” and a relationship so badly, we see what we want to see and hear what we want to hear, even when we know better. we take the risk, hoping to shake up our lives somehow or beat the odds: “maybe, he’ll chose me”, somewhere in the back of our heads. loneliness is a killer, and over a certain age, it gets tougher to meet someone. no excuses, but you start to think, ‘is this the last time i’ll have sex or love someone?” or, “is this the last good thing before old age?” life is that lonely sometimes. if a guy want’s to be with you, he’ll move heaven and earth to be with you. nothing can stop him. sadly, this type of thing is an ephemeral thing, based on fantasy. i wish it could be different for you, but i see only sadness and heartache ahead.
Woman fall in love with their EARS and men fall in love with their EYES. That is why men lie and woman wear make-up!
The male spicies and their PEEPEE’S that they are SOOO proud of,
the encoudment is about dropping their sperm so their line will r flourish ,those PEEPEE’s are at the affect of that,
Give me only a male who has evolved to the point that commitment can over rule
That encodment !
And astrologically – karmicly we conjunct where needed to facilitate monogomy
Well put, Elsa. I’ve had a number of men who said they could fall right in love with me, attached and not. It matters little, it wasn’t a moral issue with me. The point is, none of them ever DID fall in love with me, they just said they COULD. And it took many years for me to realize that I was only going to express my love to someone who was capable of returning it. And in the process, I gained some dignity and got away from being a starry-eyed hopeless romantic.
Actually….a man said those exact words to me (I could fall in love with you) and our 10th wedding anniversary is coming up.
I’m not using this as any sort of proof or validation of your suitor’s feelings just sayin’.
But Elsa is right about how you’re screwed either way. It’s just one of those torturous, pining affairs that you’ll always remember for better or worse.
“I could fall in love with you” doesn’t make much sense,unless the man in on some manipulative trip.you fall in love or you don’t,so tactics, predictions or apologizes don’t belong there.It’s a great hook for illusions,though:wow, so there’s hope!let’s see what I can do to make him fall in love.and in the meanwhile…let’s carry on the relationship,which perfectly satisfy HIS needs.
I can’t see a point in being married in itself, because being married has endless meanings for different people,nor I would approach it on moral grounds.
in my experience, there’s a simple reality:some of us(men and women) are fine with living more relationships at the same time.
I can’t do it, but I see others can and so the point becomes”do we have the same needs”?no.and move on.without judgment.
any other selfdestructive choice can be justified in many ways.
Stories like this always give me the shivers. I think a surprisingly vast number of men are just adorable adolescent boys in grown up clothes. Of course they love to be in love…and adored…and have Wouldn’t you? We all dream of that feeling – someone replied using the word, enchantment. That’s it. It is all in the moment, but it’s illusion in those heady days. Been on both sides, and what I learned when in the writer’s shoes and finally took a good look at the situation was respect for other women. If we don’t get a grip and give it to each other, it’s not coming from anywhere else. You love him? Respect yourself and talk to him when he’s single – if it still matters.
To the writer of this letter. Oh sweetie, I feel for you. But the truth is, he’s using you to fill a void, that’s not love. He loves how you make him feel, he loves that he doesn’t have to deal with his own shit by having you on the side. If it were me, I would tell him how I feel, but know that most likely you are not going to like the response. You are going to put yourself in even a more vulnerable position by telling him and having him reject you. However, on the flip side you were honest. It’s only for you to decide if it’s worth it. Either way, I highly doubt it’s going anywhere that you want to go. The truth is, he’s selfish and is willing to mask his unhappiness in any way that he can and you and his poor wife are just actors in his play. That’s my opinion anyway. Much love to you. I know that shit hurts.
Oh and also. If you do tell him how you feel be prepared for him to up his game. Read my lips when I say this…It does not mean that he loves you he just doesn’t wanna lose his high. This kind of behavior reminds me of a drug addict. I’m an alcoholic so I know. You don’t ever want to face the pain so you go after the distraction. I hate to be so awfully blunt but you are one sweet distraction, I’m sure. Do you see what I’m getting at here? It doesn’t mean you’re not lovable, it means he is absolutely the last person you should be looking to if you are looking for someone to REALLY love you. Okay. I’m done.
These comments are so insightful I have shivers. We all want to be loved and adored so badly it’s tragic. The human condition is really something.
Celebrating year 8 with a man that was involved with someone else when we met.
Tell him how you feel, but be prepared for it to not make a difference. A least it’s out.
All I know is this. I would never lead someone on. I have done some stupid shit. That is one thing I have never done…it says something about a person, ya know?
If the man and his wife have young kids, he will not leave the marriage, no matter how bad it is, in my experience. But I have seen several cases the last years where the kids were grown, or almost grown, where the husband (usually past 40) fell in love and left their wife, with a sigh of relief it seems. This has happened to at least 5 of the couples I know/are aquainted with. So yeah, when their “duty” is done, some of them WILL leave, but not before.
the case i know in real life, he has grown children on both sides, the wife and the mistress. the deal is, he lives with /stays with the mistress part time, visits ect, and he lives with the wife too. But the wife comes first when it comes to special events, and important occasions. His wife is a good woman, just passive and sweet. The mistress – never met her, but she was once a best friend of the wife. Sometimes, the husband just has his cake and eat it too. *shrug*
I think everyone is right in some aspect, but having experienced this I would have NEVER had an affair. They never work out at least the way you hope. The wife/husband never leaves the husband/wife. the best hope for you if you really want to be with a married person is to cut off contact with them that way they have no escape from reality and can face their issues in a clear way. and you don’t get strung along. I wish i had realized this sooner. i wasted years in an emotional affair.