“I love all my kids the same.” Most mothers say this and perhaps it’s true from a certain angle. But from other angles it hard to substantiate and in some cases it’s flat out obvious a mother prefers one child over the other.
As for the way I titled this post, I think it is possible for a mother to love a child but just not like them all that much. The reasons for this are endless.
There may be a personality conflict. The kid simply rub the mother the wrong way. The mother may need a scapegoat or someone to carry her shadow. The kid may look (or act) like the father who the mother has come to loathe, etc.
Scenarios like this are not uncommon. It may be uncommon to talk about them but that doesn’t mean anything.
The mother may feel justified in disliking her child or she may feel terribly guilty. She may express her feelings overtly or she may conceal them and be successful at that, particularly if the child doesn’t want to know.
The child may not want to know, or may just be unable to figure it out because he or she has never had it any other way. As an adult, the child may even be relieved with the knowledge when they realize, they don’t much like their mother anyway and so much is explained.
Sometimes the mother is well intentioned but her kid just doesn’t live up to her expectation for him or her which may or may not have been realistic in the first place. Bad news for the child if he or she becomes the receptacle for the parent’s feelings of disappointment in life.
Sometimes the mother and the child both know the feelings are there but they fake it for the rest of the family. I’d like to read what you know about this.
Note – I wrote this in 2010. I’m bringing it up today, because I just consulting with an adoptee. In some cases, adoptive parents bring home the adopted baby and it doesn’t go so well. This scenario is rarely discussed. It’s a taboo topic. Think what denying this might do to the adopted child, who is now an adult. It’s unfathomable, really.
Know a mother who does not like her kid? Did your mother not like you?
I don’t think my grandmother liked her daughter (my mother) very much. In fact, I think she fucked her up big-time. My grandmother is something of a narcissist.
My mother was a Gemini trying to raise a Pisces with a lot of abandonment issues. She tried hard, but I think our relationship was super, super, super strained.
Pisces need a lot of things Gemini can’t always give, I think.
The truth is spoken here.
Yes. I have a daughter who’s a Pisces/double Leo; I am a Gemini with a strong Pluto signature. My Moon is in Pisces in the fourth and I think that is our saving grace. We love each other very much but we argue constantly!
In my work, I come across mothers who don’t like their children pretty often. Sometimes it’s just a matter of showing them that their child does indeed have a positive side, and if they focus on that, they’ll see it more. Other times, it’s just making the relationship functional.
I think my mother liked both me and my sister, but her own self loathing got in the way of expressing it well. She’s pretty congenial to us now, anyway.
Thank you, Elsa, for speaking the truth.
I think what happens with parents is, the parent doesn’t understand the personality of the child (which may be very very different regardless of how they were raised) but the parent fails to even try and understand and accept the child for who he/she really is, regardless of discomfort.
My heart aches when I wonder what it would be like to be able to feel real love and recognition from my mother. Not gonna happen. I’m almost 40 and I still need my MOM, and she’s never gonna “show up.” I wish it were different, but it’s the way it is.
P.S. I refuse to watch Toddlers & Tiaras—even the ads for the show make me want to throw something at the screen. >:O
I know someone who’s mother doesn’t like them OR love them.
My mother liked me. She still does. I was convinced my parents didn’t love me, they used to be driven the despair over it. I was a Sun-Saturn/Moon-Pluto kid, what can I say???
While I don’t watch TV on my own volition, I do watch it at times when my husband is here and I cop to being fascinated with the show, ‘Toddlers and Tiaras”.
While the parents make an easy target, I don’t necessarily think they don’t like their kids but some of them clearly don’t like their kids – flipping out when they flip their hair wrong on stage or don’t fake smile correctly. I saw some little boy on the show last night and his mother was LIVID at his lackluster performance. She was ON the stage with him so very visible contempt.
Very true! The stage mother. Its all about them. I understand this, my mother wanted to be a talented singer/ dancer. She lacked the talent, she wanted me to be some rockstar, ballerina, model. That is the time she “liked” me, she loved me when i won an award or contest. The rest of the time she did not like me at all. Now she is older she loves me when i am too busy to see her, but not so much when i am with her. Interestinglymy mothers sun is exactly square mine, and her mothers is exactly square her sun (and opp my sun).
Oh, there are so many scenarios. My mother loathed me and didn’t much care for Annalisa either. I am not sure how she felt about my oldest sister as she was gone by the time I was 10 but she definitely loved my brother. She loved the living shit out of him (a curse in it’s own right) and in the case, the simple explanation is this:
My mother wanted a boy but had 4 girls in a row. I was the 4th and by the time I was born… well she just didn’t want another girl so I was despised from day one.
Her contempt of me was open but because it was always there, I didn’t notice. I grew up isolated so never saw any other mothers with their kids so did not perceive the lack.
I had my first inkling in my 20’s and have pretty much heard about it steadily since. People are uniformly horrified but I think it’s sort of funny – I have a Jupiter Moon.
Let’s just say I’d rather have my mother than one who clings or micromanages or various other horrors I can think of.
I really don’t think I am mismatched to my family. I wouldn’t change a hair on my head.
I think I agree with you Elsa. I don’t know if it is my age or a sign that I need to leave but the clingying, overly affectionate, irritatingly effusive communication and actions from mum are driving my crazy. And then I feel guilty and selfish, like who the hell am I to complain about this?!?! I should be grateful, I have NOTHING to complain about.
Hi Elsa – I have a son that I adore, but we can clash big time! We both have to “try” to get along. At times we don’t like each other… because we are extreme opposites and have a hard time understanding each other (he is Leo sun/rising/venus/mars)… I’m water city! (Pisces sun/merc w/scorpio rising/Mars). Each child should come with a manual! Having him and raising him has been the biggest gift of my life. I hate that we clash…
Dear Chantelle,
you’re not alone…49 years old here and still hoping…which is killing me…Last fight with my mother totally crushed me…She doesn’t know who I am and never will…and I don’t think she cares to..Knowledge of astrology has helped me a lot in trying to put this into perspective…My mother never saw past my ascendant, or my MC( gemini with mars in cancer) for that matter…Her Leo sun and my Pisces sun can’t connect, neither can her Taurus moon and mine in Sag…and it is not for lack of trying on my part…
all I can say to you is…it’s not you…it’s her…she was the parent…move forward and try to be happy anyway…Godspeed…
What can I say about my Mom? I most definitely missed out on the nurturing, ‘mother love’. She singled me out amongst my four siblings and crushed my self-esteem to bits with her criticism, contempt, put-downs, and obvious sibling favoritism. I wised up and moved out of state.
Took a long time to regain self-esteem and realize it was her issue, not mine. My dad said years later that he told her to back off numerous times, but I was shit out of luck when he was working. It makes sense she is this way, because my grandmother still treats her like a child and a nuisance while playing favorites with her siblings.
We get along better now and she has told my dad that she’s sorry for what she did, but not to me directly. Thought I put all this behind me, but the emotions welling up tell me I have more purging to do.
Anyone who has a nurturing, loving, supportive mom is really fortunate.
P.S. I want those shoes in the picture!
BTW – Let’s all have a group (((Hug))). It really helps to share and know we’re not alone in this.
((((((((Everyone))))))))
“She loved the living shit out of him (a curse in it’s own right)”
This dynamic plays out in my family and it is definitely a curse in it’s own right.
My Cap mother tried to make me into something I’m not from Day 1 and hated me for failing. I was never into frilly dresses or singing at church.
Fast-forward to 1997, when she located the daughter she had given up for adoption in 1962. “She was the valedictorian! She was in pageants!” Yeah, I could have been the valedictorian if my upbringing had been conducive to doing homework. Or if I had a mother who gave a shit.
Nail in the coffin was when she held the city-wide society reception for this newfound daughter. I skipped studying for finals and provided catering and maid service for this, on threat of disownment if I did not comply.
Overheard at the front door when my mother saw a guest off: “I love my Del, but New Daughter is the greatest blessing in my life.”
Oh, really? I’ve been there for you through three crappy husbands and everything life threw at us, yet Miss Texas, who was raised with two loving and spoiling parents who doesn’t even fucking know you is the greatest blessing in your life, huh? I packed my bags and drove back home.
Their relationship is now strained. Mother has a peculiar way of making that happen.
She’s still her favorite, though. Mother has never been mine. I’m only being nice to her because there’s a lot of money at stake. If this sister gets favorable treatment in the will, there will be poop on a grave.
Mars in Scorpio, and proud of it.
I don’t think my mother liked me from day one, I don’t think she had the capacity to love any of her children. We all pretended like she was being a mother, I’m not sure for whose sake? I am still torn between hating her and wanting to save her.
I think my mother liked my brother more than me but it didn’t help him in the long run. My mother was like a secret nightmare, that I carry to this day, and I hardly believe. How could anyone do that much damage and not be obvious about it?
No my mother did not like me as a child, and I wonder if she tolerates me now, because there is nobody else left.
I wish I could of had at least a mother “figure” as a child….like an older sister or a grandmother….I think it would of made a difference.
We can’t do anything about the past, but what we *can* do is vow to love our kids the way we always wanted to be loved. Looking at the vast majority of the parents’ posts on this blog and the boards over time, it seems we’re at least trying to do that. So yay, us.
I have seen Mothers that Dislike their Kids, Mothers that Use Their Kids, Really Mean Mothers to their Kids and Women that plan to bring kids to Use and Abuse from their Kids !!!
I also had Seen Great Mothers that Really care of Their Children heroic with their children !!!
Blessings !!!
Hi Elsa,
If your mother was like that why did you take care of her (buy her a house and pay her bills?). I would have not!
My mother always tried to pretend she liked me but then I always saw thru it, maybe that’s why.
She is a libra (don’t like libras really, cause of their lack of honesty!)
elsa, holy g*d, my aunts all say the same thing about my grandmother. my dad is the youngest of four…three older sisters. they all say my grandmother never liked the girls and can give you a list of examples. i remember one time when my grandma was really shockingly mean to me when i was little and that was the first time i heard this ‘she hates the girls’ thing from my cousin (about 10yrs older). my grandfather died early which i imagine made her hold my dad even more tightly. i don’t get it but i guess it exists in the world. yea, my mom and i fight (like cats and dogs sometimes! she drives me crazy) but i could never push her away. we always make up if only by moving on.
tipi, I did that due my own nature. I am super responsible and very generous. I also felt capable and inherited the job when my grandfather died.
I am the sort who takes care of family so it came natural to me and as I said, I thought it was normal.
Well, my mother and I had a love/hate relationship – that was 2 yrs of therapy to work through!
Let’s just say she had a lot of jealousy issues with me, and if I didn’t “act” the way she wanted there was hell to pay..
I think you get to a certain point in your Life and just say “she did the best she could with what she had”, and move on with your Life – instead of blaming your problems on your upbringing..
There’s one thing I’ll say – my mother taught me how NOT to discipline and deal in guilt with my kids…
My mother was jealous of me, although it wasn’t until my father pointed it out to me as a teenager that I then realised why she was so nasty to me all the time. She really, really loathed one of my older sisters though, thank god I didn’t suffer what she did.
I know someone my own age who has two sons and admits that she doesn’t like one of them. She doesn’t treat him badly or anything, she loves him because he is her son, but she did tell me that the way he is really winds her up. He is a Capricorn, and has that serious Cap child thing of preferring to be around adults which she hates. She’s a Leo and her other son is Aries so they get on great, and she keeps trying to get this poor Cap kid to behave more like the Aries.
My mother hated her own self and saw anything that came from her as ‘bad’. Case in point … when my mother died she disinherited all her kids – my sister whom she hadn’t seen in a decade, my brother who visited her every day, one who had stood by her for years but after 9-11 made themselves scarce (me) and another brother who paid all her bills, took her to the doctor, made sure she took her meds every damn day … and it simply didn’t matter.
Mom was fucking crazy.
I would like to share some things here as I’ve been processing some things along a similar thread. My mother (super Cap) never liked me or appreciated my personality (Leo). She always berated me as a child for wanting to be center of attention, being impractical, messy, etc.. among other things. I think she wanted to be a good mother but it was more out of a sense of duty that she could not bear to forsake in any way. She ended up being extremely self-sacrificing out of some bizarre sense of guilt, never doing anything for herself or even taking good care of herself. It seemed that if she did anything for herself it violated her view of what a mother should be, which was all duty and sacrifice for the child. In maintaining this view, however, she came to resent me. She did perform the basic care and some other good stuff, but there was never any real nurturing going on which produced a childhood that to me, felt void of substance. It was clear that she did not like me or want to be my mother, but she could never let me be, either. As an adult she is still very over-involved in my life but also still full of bitterness and resent for me.
When I had my first child I was relatively young at 20, but had a strong inherent desire to nurture and learn what it meant to be a good mom. I think I had pretty good instincts, but in hindsight found that I had a strange, inherent sense of guilt surrounding my mothering. I never felt like my best efforts were good enough and anytime I did normal things for myself, like go for a run or go to classes or whatever, I would feel very guilty. My son is now 10 and I realize a lot of these things — I am trying turn things in a better direction with him and now raise my second son more consciously. I still find it hard to determine how much is ok to give to myself, how much right do I have to pursue my own happiness in life and how much is proper to sacrifice for my children? Do children really want you to sacrifice for them? Doesn’t that somehow burden them? I try to understand what this means.
I am now going through a divorce and these issues have become rather poignant here because I battled for years with the question: Should I suck it up and stay in this marriage that is no-good for the sake of keeping my family together “for the kids” OR should I liberate my husband and myself to find a greater happiness that will hopefully spill over into our kids’ lives? I finally decided in favor of the latter, so here’s hoping!
Any objective perspective on anything mentioned here would be well-received! Thanks!
My grandma didn’t like my aunt, but my aunt is generally pretty insufferable and I’m not sure anyone really likes her besides her husband and one of her 3 kids.
My mom’s friend is pretty well driven nuts by her son, who unfortunately is a alcoholic/ex-con/general delinquent sort who can’t or won’t figure out how to shape up. Bizarrely enough he’s actually fairly nice for a deadbeat, and I get to hear how sorry my mom is for him a lot. I do suspect that mother and son (mother is a major hardass, Saturn rising Scorp with Saturn/node contacts with the kid) would be happier on opposite coasts, but that can’t legally happen.
What a great topic, Elsa. As usual, you bring up a deep topic that has so many echoes on so many levels. My mother clearly liked my sister and me better than my brother, who acted out a lot more, but I never got the feeling there was unconditional love in our house for any of us or that if she liked me it was not for the reasons I like me. She is an Aries, but her moon is conjunct Pluto in Cancer and Saturn is in an extremely strong position in her chart. It was always about the ought with her.
My mom makes great efforts to love me and my brothers, but we just clash a lot of the time
Clash isn’t even the right word. The best I’ve figured out is all of her virgo & cap just doesn’t mesh with my packed 12th house escapism and gemini sun. I was always -always- getting yelled at as a kid for losing track of time/getting distracted/ not practicing my violin (which I only played cause I hoped to make her happy) or dodging household chores. Fair enough on the last one, but seriously. No patience for the realm of imagination, and it’s really stunted my creativity, in that I’m scared to show what’s really going on inside for fear of her biting criticism. She’s got mars in scorp, and sometimes that HURTS.
As you can probably tell, still working this out. Thing is, she’s such an intrinsically good person, she really does mean well, which I think actually makes it harder. It would be much easier if she was an evil bitch I could just hate, but such is not the case. We’re slowly & carefully trying to build some kind of functioning relationship, but I don’t know if I’ll ever feel comfortable opening up to her. She’s way too good at telling me why I’m wrong. 🙁
After several miscarriages she expected a son and at one point she dressed me and called me accordingly to the extent that the local bakery called me “young boy” when I picked up the day’s bread.
One day one my mom put me in a nursery for a while (3 month or 3 weeks depending on the weather) because she was in the middle of a move to a bigger place. I believe this was a god send. From *very* early on I was a predator magnet and she never lifted a finger to protect me or acknowledged it was going on. Contracting VD’s was due to my poor use of soap and I was too small to tell the difference. She terrified me. I was her punching bag verbally emotionally, sometimes physically which was the least of it. There’s so much more which is unspeakable.
On the other hand my sibling experienced a different enough treatment.
To the world, we presented an almost squeaky clean middle class veneer.
I can see that my mom’s childhood was horrendous, the little I know of it and her mother’s was no piece of cake either and so on. How many generations this went on for, or how it started, I will never know.
This recent Pluto on the Moon transit threw me in a hard spin. I came to realize I still had hope … sigh. Plus recently she’s been trying so hard to be nice but her words remain poisoned. She cant help it. For the first time I’ve contemplated that she may be / have been seriously mentally ill, even though she had a successful career and was respected by many. Till now I’d attributed her behavior to never having healed from her own childhood and sinking into the less painful state of repression & giving into unconsciousness. Now Pluto will cross my IC and I’m not sure that the sanity issue matters either way. I’ve got to take care of my own home. And cherish the mother figures that have loved me.
I’m glad we’re talking about this as well. These situations are extremely common, and I think it’s important for society to recognize the reality of parenting.
To me, the reality is that parents are people. A good portion of them try to do their best. Most at least try. They owe their child their best, but they don’t owe them perfection. I, for one, am sick of parents and childhood issues being blamed for every little problem in a person’s life. Parents are people and they make mistakes. And that’s okay. Most people grow up to be relatively decent human beings, which means that, despite their flaws, our parents were relatively successful. And that’s all they have to be. I’d like to see the end of the myth of the perfect parent.
“If your mother was like that why did you take care of her (buy her a house and pay her bills?).”
My mom was our abuser. Talking about it one day with the ex, he outright said, “I don’t know why you even have her in your life anymore.”
Like AriesSun said, though, I realized a long time ago that she did the best she could. Not necessarily the best she knew how (big difference), but the best she could and it was up to the both of us to craft something healthy now instead of flinging recriminations about the past.
That’s not to say that I would take care of her in her old age, no matter how much she hints. *grins* But that’s more about my not wanting to be a caretaker in any sense whatsoever than our current or past relationship. I’d do the same with/to my dad, with whom I have no abuse issues.
I have a mother with a Cap moon and I have a Cap moon.. she was a model and I was a tomboy… she was controlling and explosive and I could never figure out what the issue was… probably it was that she had two daughters and wanted a son. I think the generation that grew up through the great Depression and WWII grew up under a dark cloud, and they hadn’t had exposure to psychology.. they simply reacted and did what they were supposed to do.. and there seemed to be a lot of frustration with all that role-playing.. maybe that is why so many of them would say such negative things, I hear this from many of my friends.. I learned to listen more and be compassionate, and to not take any of it personally. That’s when you are fine with who you are and where you’re going.
Years ago, shortly before I became pregnant with my son I had a very powerful feeling of premonition that I would have three children and that the last would be the reward for raising the first two.
My son when he was born did not in any way respond to my hopes and dreams of what my baby would be like. But this was fine! If I could choose between having a child that would be true to my wishes and needs or his own, I would always rather he be true to himself. He was a force of nature because that’s who he was and I just had to learn to deal.
I have always loved him, instinctively and powerfully. But I didn’t really start to like him until he was 6 months old. He was demanding and furious and unsettlable and cried all the time.
He is still a force of nature, just one that is growing mor into his own self-control and he is blossoming. I adore him just as he is, and what he has taught me is that a difficult relationship is just as much of a gift as an easy one (sometimes more).
I am currently about two million years pregnant, waiting for my little girl to make an appearance and I’ve now resigned myself to the fact that I’ll have another force of nature on my hands. Undoubtedly one that will have the same lack of concerns for my delicate psychological issues as my son did.
No one will be more delighted than me to have a easy baby, but I have steeled myself for another spirited one. Although there is a part of me that despairs about why these extraordinary rebels and movers and shakers choose my household to incarnate in, at the same time I know that my household has the resources to support them in their growth and interests.
My son and his father have such an easy relationship. They just get along. They are friends. My son and I love each other passionately, but we are rarely at ease with one another and I cannot pretend that’s not bruising. If my daughter ends up as a Leo with an Aries Moon she will also slot very neatly into her Sagittarius Sun/Aries Moon father’s chart while I as the Cancer Sun will be left to carry the brunt of the square.
I cannot pretend this is not sad and trying for me since I’m much more of a ‘can’t we all just hug and get along and absolutely not yell’ type of person, but at the same time I can endure and do. And if I get another yeller on my hands, then no, I won’t like it, not one least little bit but I’ll deal.
I’m actually heartbroken by the moments when I don’t like my child, even as a I recongise them as natural and human. And is there a part of me that hopes that one day I would have a child whose chart would slot neatly into mine and where we would gaze into each other’s eyes and get along beautifully like some sort of mother-kid honeymoon? Yes, it would be nice not to feel like a person on the periphery of my family, constantly having to fight to establish a sense of balance and connection. But it doesn’t matter if it never happens. I’ll do what needs to be done to help them be who they need to be, and nurse whatever wounds I sustain in private (or by crying on my husband’s shoulder; because sitting still in the midst of emotion is very incredibly hard for him to do, which means it is something he gets to suck up and learn and his willingness to do it even though it makes him so uncomfortable is a gift to me).
That’s been the biggest blessing that my family has given me. Constantly challnging me to go beyond what is known and comfortable. Being inspired by love to be more and other than I thought I could be, and learning new ways to like someone and the way that they are and the things that they do. Learning to like them for their own worth, especially when they don’t match my ideas.
And for every time I’ve wished for an easy life and a break, I’ve ten times been proud of exactly the way my family is, and of the people in it.
Oh Nina! If only I could muster up any of this right now. I mostly felt the same way when my kids were babies, toddlers and teens…but when you are dealing with an adult who is screaming for no good reason …I don’t need any more challenges. Shut up for the love of Pete…lol… I think at this age I have listened to all the bullshit I plan to take in.
This is beautifully well written and you are a lovely mother. I remember years ago….trying to deal with a Gemini with a Leo asc and an Aqua moon….All the stories, the boasting, and the cool looks….good lord have mercy…me with all this water. I have no idea how either of us have made it. Funny, every one has always thought him the favorite and I do love him madly…but oh…the tests and trial…it takes all I have, trust me!
Nina, I commiserate. I’m an Aquarian. My double Scorpio son has challenged me mightily since his birth nine years ago. It killed me when he was a baby and would cry and cry. I could not soothe him. Tried breastfeeding for one week. Constant trips to pediatrician. Changed formula six, seven times. I had to move back to Texas and receive help from my Gemini mom. At one point when my son was five he lived with my mom for several months. We are close now but I have to be extremely careful with him. He is hypersensitive. We both have complicated charts. We’re both sixth house suns. It’s the deepest love I have ever experienced. But it is far from Hallmark card perfect.
“same lack of concerns for my delicate psychological issues as my son did.”
I find this odd to say about a child, unless they’re grown up at the time. From my perspective, it sounds like they’re supposed to take care of you. Iguess if they won’t learn certain things, but I don’t think a child has the framework for taking care of a parent’s psyche issues.
(((Nina)))
Nina, Powerfully said. And processed… This sounds very Plutonian (says she who just had Pluto enter her 5th). Your attitude and circumspection are inspiring. You should write a book. (((Nina)))
the things that frustrate me the most about my child are the parts of myself i still have yet to come to terms with
and we’ve both got strong pluto signatures. it’s a family theme. it takes some serious self control to focus well. and i’m the adult here so i not only have to do it for myself (and, wow is he good at pushing my buttons) but teach him how to rein himself in, as well…
it took awhile for me to realize my mother loves me. due to a very similar dynamic that she had less control over. but we all grow up, and my relationship with her has, too.
it helps, now. when i was younger i found “mother” in spirituality, and my grandmother. even now she’s not terribly cuddly/affectionate. strange, considering how much cancer she has, but it’s eighth house and one of them’s saturn.
i don’t however think my mother understands me. which is fine. i don’t need her to. she tries her best to be supportive (now. ever since i gave her a grandbaby.) and i am happy with that.
I have Saturn in the 10th house in Capricorn and I don’t get along with either of my parents.
I never figured out why I never could like my parents. I always found my mother to be domineering and my father was just selfish at times.
Why Saturn, why are you doing this to me?
Saturn in Leo Mother with Saturn in Leo son having Aquarius moon
opposing the mother does tell something.
But she has a Venus/Uranus conjunction on her 5th gemini cuspid… she does love us in a unique way… just complicated… and that Moon of hers in Pisces.. Ewww, quite emotional. Her Sagittarius Jupiter opposing those Venus/Uranus does seem to say we took her freedom out.
Elsa, do you ever do charts with parents and children, or with siblings? Does it help resolve or at least clarify issues?
ingy – yes. I focus on whatever a person wants me to and lots of people want insight into family members. 🙂
Kind of nice to know that I”m not the only one out there…..
I was adopted. Given up by birth mother, lots of scars from that. Then I spent the first 3 1/2 months of my life in a foster home. I think I was loved there. I attribute that to my inner capacity for joy and love. Then I was put into the arms of a woman who did not want to adopt. She was only doing it because my father wanted to–and that was to fill his own emotional need for family, not because he wanted to create a family. We were there just to fill his void. Anyway, we were never close, she never really loved or wanted me, and somehow, I always knew that. But, adoptees have a need to play the role, and I did. Even when I was being tortured in school by bullies, little was done, and that which was done, only made things worse. She told me that it was my fault that things had gone on so long because I never went to the teacher to tell her how I was being bullied. So, the next year, when the girls started in on my, I went to the teacher. A short while into the year, I was sat down and everyone told me that they didn’t like me because I was such a tattle tail. Thanks mom! The stories are endless. Anyway, she died 6 days after my 23rd birthday–I was the one caring for her and the family during the last 2 weeks when she went downhill, giving her her shots, bathing, cooking, etc. I was the one who took over her responsibility of being there for my rageaholic father, a man who I had feared most of my life. About a month before he died he told me “Mom didn’t really want to adopt when you came along, but it was such a good experience with you, that when your brother was available, she was really excited.” Guess how that one played out over the years.
Moon opp Jupiter.
I used to believe my mother really liked/loved me. She didn’t. And doesn’t and that is pretty painful.
I have never doubted my mother’s love for me. We have our moments but for the most part it’s good. I think I do have regrets though.. She didn’t stand up for me on my behalf during those times when I really needed her protection. She is a Pisces, I’m a Gemini. I think she definitely nurtured when she could, but for the most part she was at work my entire childhood. I barely have any memories of her (well, or anything else). Which makes me sad. I started cooking for myself in elementary school. She came home early enough to eat with. A lot of the time she came home just before I had to sleep and would read to me. But I felt as a child I needed more than just a story. And my father was so overbearing it was like I had no relief and lived in a constant world of terror.
Love my daughter too, though it’s only been a year now and she hasn’t fully developed her personality yet, though I get glimpses.
To be honest, I’m terrified of having a child and not loving it or messing it up. Since my daughter is someone I feel I can get along with and someone I care about, I think I am perfectly happy with just one.
Of course in motherhood there are always moments where you want to give up. But that is just life. You take a deep breath and move forward.
Also, I wasn’t a tiara baby, but my father definitely had me out doing sports since 7 until 14 when I got fed up. It’s very tiring for a child to try and reach a bar that is continuously raised higher with little praise for achievements already accomplished. And there is little love felt by a parent who tries to be a dictator.
Reading these life stories has been interesting. It took me 40 years to figure out why my mother and I had such a problem, and actually it was my husband at the time who figured it out. It was based on something she said one time and I told him about it and he said ‘she does not like you because you remind her of the man who left her’ my father.
I could not believe a ‘mother’ could be that irrational esp. with regards to her own child, like I could help looking and acting like my father. But I think she had a lot of issues in her childhood that carried over into her adult life. Some people just are narcissistic and never grow up.
I moved out at 17 and never went back, really tried to make it work 35 years later but it didn’t happen.
I agree with some of the other comments in that
“I don’t believe she treated me unkind, she could have done better but I don’t mind, she just kind-of wasted my precious time – but don’t think twice it’s alright.” Bob Dylan.
My mother did not like me and she felt guilty about it. Now that she’s dead I remember her trying to fix it or make amends but after so many years it was just hard.
For example, for every awful moment there would be a moment she would try to make it up to me in her own way. She was so fragile herself and desperately wanted me to fuse with her emotionally and my refusal enraged her. She was impossibly jealous of my romantic relationships and would fly into rages if she was not the center of my life.
She would have it in for my son for one reason or another and be beside herself that I was ” on his side” and not hers. My, you know, ten year old. I had to take her “side” and not his or I was a traitor.
LIke I said, now that she’s dead there’s a lot more I understand about it. But some things I just never will.
When I told her I loved her when she was dying I always got the feeling she thought I was lying to her. Then I would have to examine whether that was true. It was true, I did love her, but it all just hurt so much.
I’ve said plenty on here about my adoptive mother in one thread or another! She adored my sister, who was adopted a year earlier, and loathed me. This dynamic started when we were both still little more than infants. My father loved me and being a Scorpio stellium (inc Venus) maybe she was jealous. I was also far too independent for her liking, even as a small child.
All our lives my sister and I were treated totally differently – my sister smothered with love and held close by emotional blackmail, myself constantly under attack, put down, criticised, mocked and belittled. It would be hard to say which of the two of us ended up most damaged! And our own relationship didn’t survive her, for all it had seemed so strong for 56 years
I’ve seen plenty of other mother/child relationships where there is dislike or just mutual incomprehension, some fairly extreme as was my own, and spilling over into actual cruelty. It’s not at all uncommon, where a child is full of individuality and not complaisant
James Hillman, who wrote “The Souls Code”, offers the insight that parents should stand back and ask themselves “Who is this child that happens to be mine?”, instead of perceiving the child as an extension of themselves, an accessory to their Ego.
The ability to procreate doesn’t assume that one will also be competent as a parent with meeting the emotional needs of the child, nor have an ability to see the child as independant from them, and not a conduit through which the parent can express their unlived life.
I have been tremendous use to my mother, psychologically. I have come to see how fortuitous it has been for me, to not trust my mother when she said she loved me as a kid.
That may sound crazy but I think that mistrust paved my ability to ‘separate the snake from the twig’ (to paraphrase the buddhist proverb).
You treat me like shit and tell me you love me? Guess what: I don’t believe you!
Nothing wrong with this lesson (except for how it was delivered I guess but hey–that’s life).
My friend’s parents (who are evil) hate her for the same reason, Elsa: last girl out of hordes of girls, except no boy ever came.
Nasty people.
My mother has always been immature and self-centered. I was always talking to her like I was her mother. She married a full-blooded Italian, and wanted a boy first. When she had my brother, she doted on him, and pretty much tolerated me.
My grandmother was always my mother. I talked to her every day, and saw her several times per week when possible. When she died, so did my foundation. I have never gotten over her loss.
Since I am divorced and trying to recover financially, my mother and stepfather are always there materially. However, the love I have for my daughter has never been there with my mother. My mother has done nasty things to me in the past out of jealousy and spite. Things I would never do to my own daughter.
The relatives were jealous of how my daughter always tells me she loves me (they called her a little ass-kisser). I no longer speak to them. Dysfunctional freaks.
My mother has always purposely tried to hold me down, and prevent me from having a better life than she has had (“I never went on vacation until I was 50, so why should you?”)
She told me she wasn’t going to help me through college because she was saving up for my brother to go (he would not start until after I graduated college anyway). He got his college degree, moved out-of-state, and never has contact with her, save for maybe a birthday card, sometimes.
She stays attached to me now because she wants to make sure that if something happens to her husband, I’ll be there to take care of her. My brother would throw her into a home faster than you can blink an eye. I will take care of her, too, because that’s what I do.
What I am hoping for is my nice Southern Gentleman husband to find me already so I can move the hell away from her for awhile. I feel like I’m living back home at this time, and it’s too much. I don’t like her as a person – she’s generous ONLY when it benefits her somehow. If there is nothing in it for her, she doesn’t give a damn what you need. She only gives her money, never her time or companionship.
The funny thing is, she’s a Leo, Libra Rising. My daughter is a Leo, Scorpio Rising. My grandmother was a Leo, but I don’t know her ASC. It just goes to show you why Sun signs by themselves mean diddly.
My sister did everything in her power (Scorpio) to maintain her #1 position as the favoured one. Lots of backstabbing and betrayal. When I was 13, my parents told me they were so fed up and tired with the shit from my 3 older siblings that they had no time or patience for any trouble from me and if I gave any trouble I’d be kicked out. When mum found out about the incest I was 14 and she told me to forgive dad or get out of the house ’cause she couldn’t live without him. I was forced into living by the beat of my own drum and they’ve all hated me ever since for doing it.
Mum and I kept in touch sporadically (pardon me, I kept in touch, she never lifted her finger to call) the last few years before she died. When she was dying, my sisters didn’t even tell me. I wasn’t allowed at the funeral and I was cut out of the will. Though, our last conversation just a couple of months before she died was the best we had in years and our last words to each other were “I love you.” So I’m good with that. The concept of motherly love is foreign to me. All the rest of my family were in another country so grandparents were never an experience either. Family support – what is that?
It all made me pretty independent.
Funny story – my eldest sister has hated me with a passion since I was young (she’s 7 yrs older). A few years back, my other sister and mum asked her why. She told them it was because when I was 16 she gave me tickets to a concert and I never said thank you. 35 years of hate over this!! Now you know why I’m ok with my own drum beat – this is what I came from.
My mother loves me- she loves all of us. No doubt about it.
She has a Mars/Moon square, and Venus exactly conjunct Uranus, right on her IC on the 4th house side. She was never around… literally. She has provided a roof and food for her kids, but after a certain age, she basically left us to fend (structure-wise) for ourselves. She bought us an apartment when I was 13 (my siblings are 2 and 4 years younger, respectively… and my eldest sister is 15 years older, and has been gone pretty much since I was born). So… I raised my brother and sister, in a practical sense.
I, personally, have a moon/mars square with her, venus/saturn opp, and a sun/saturn opp.
Our Mars’ oppose. She loves me a lot, but I think because of the way her 4th house and Saturn is… that she just has a really funny way of showing it.
She *loved* my brother. Loved him. To his credit, he is the most chilled out of the four of us. He’s a Taurus with a Leeb Moon that loosely conjuncts my Mom’s Virgo moon. He and my younger sister (a Cap moon) have favorable moon synastry with my ma (conj/trine).
My older sister and I have lots of squares to my mother’s moon. My mom’s moon squares my Uranus and Mars. My moon squares her Venus and Uranus on IC. hahahaha.
My older sister, whom she HATES, she has Moon sq Moon with. My mom’s Moon also squares her Venus and Saturn. She has always thought my eldest sister was ugly, a liar, etc., etc., She also has my sister’s saturn exactly conjunct her sun.
My older sister has never felt loved by my mom, and being a histrionic Leo, this has been a big wound for her (my mom’s chiron is conj her nn).
She has a crazy relationship with my younger sister, but loves her like no other. She dotes on my baby brother.
With me…it’s honestly a really uranian relationship, with some mars battles. We are both Gem Suns.. Her Sun is in my 12H, where mine is, so she projects on me like crazy… but, she tries to understand, at least. There is a detachment between us, but there are plenty of moments where things feel whole and good.