I was talking to friend and astrologer, Claire-France Perez, regarding today’s news…
‘Well I realized I where I was yesterday,” I said. “I’m in this place, well people don’t recover from stuff like this,” I said. I named four situations where this had occurred off the top of my head. “You hear it all the time. She was never the same after that. That’s what they say. She was fine, she was this and that and then this happened and she was never the same. Don’t you hear that all the time?”
“Yes you do. But you are relying on strength of character.”
“Yes, I know have that. I have the character and I know I can do this but I’ve got to pay attention. You don’t just get through something like this. You have to make it through. This is the kind of scenario that does most people in, I am completely aware of that and close enough to it I can see how it happens, you just slip. It’s easy for me to see why people go around the bend and I don’t even blame them if they do. I mean I am not going to do but I am telling you I don’t blame the people who do.”
Have you ever known someone who suffered a trauma from which they could not recover?
Yes. My grandma and grandpa were linked like those two dogs in Where the Red Fern Grows. And when my grandpa died, it was just a few months and my grandma started to too, even though she had no health issues before then. She didn’t exist without him (from her view of things). First she developed alzheimer’s. And then her body slipped away after her mind. She died just a few years later. (Scorpio following her Taurus.)
Breathe through it. I know that’s not comfort. But it’s a way. (Every breath is signal that despite even the world’s end, you’re still here).
Ever since my “Blunt Trauma” of the year 2000, I have “never been the same.” I am sure that a fair number of people see me and my life today versus then, and think “she never recovered” or speak of me and say “she never recovered.”
What they do not know is that I (involuntarily and unintentionally, helplessly, if you will) Transcended, In transcending something, what I found was taht recovery’ per is irrelevant.
What happened is that I was so traumatized by my own personal blunt trauma that I rather instantly experienced what I now realize might be called a ‘suicidal panic’ during which I made a definite plan to kill myself (for the first and [so far] only time in my life.)
Within 5 minutes of completing that difinitive plan (to which I was 100% surrendered) I was whacked on the head with a Spiritual Awakening so intense that I could never find the words to describe it. The major effects of the spiritual experience lasted for upwards of a year, and slightly less major effects are still with me today, and the truth is that I will Never, ever be remotely the same.
And the present ‘self’ would not return to the former ‘self’ for anything in the world.
So, there are quite a few people who think “this woman, she had a nervous breakdown and she never came back out of it.” What they do not know (which is quite fine with me) is that. at a soul level, ‘I’ now know a Serenity which “passeth all [mortal] understanding.”
No, I haven’t, but I can say that since Pluto has been opposing my moon at 27 Gemini this has been something I have thought about quite a bit. I wonder what allows some people to get through it and lets others fall. I have come to think that there isn’t a huge separation between those who fall and those who don’t. It’s the tiniest little thing. One person might have just slightly better coping skills or a marginally better support system or maybe one person also gets in a car wreck or loses their job and then that’s just it. The last straw, you know? It’s like clinging to the edge of a cliff. It is infinitely hard and almost everyone is going to struggle and almost fall. But then maybe one person gets bumped and down they go.
I hope like hell that we both keep hanging on.
“She was fine, she was this and that and then this happened and she was never the same.”
Pluto transit to the moon ? It will rip you apart
until there is nothing left. It will take from you people, situations, and inflict suffering.
Pluto will throw you down on the ground, and keep throwing you down until it slams you into a very deep hole..It makes you change whatever is unstable and whatever Pluto knows is not good for you.
The moon is heart and soul. And Pluto demands your soul for its own renovations. Pluto does not consider your heart. If you try to walk away before Pluto is finished with its demolition of your life, Pluto will slam you back in that hole. Pluto does not care about your suffering.
When you reach the point of so much pain you give up. You lie in the bottom of a hole with no will to get up, Pluto violently ejects you out of that hole and puts you in front of a new path or what appears to be a new path.
You have a vague memory of what its like to walk. and barely have the strength to crawl.
You are no longer standing upright; as you crawl away, you notice a crack in the sidewalk with green moss and a purple flower it looks intricate and beautiful.
a different method, a different chapter of your life.
You appreciate what the flower went through to grow and meet you on your path. You are happy for Pluto’s little flower. You take it with you and show it to others. They say its a weed.
(and they say oh my gosh she has changed she is not the same)
and then you remember, I used to say this flower
was a weed….Its a flower…
So yes you are never the same but how could you be ?
Yes. Good luck.
I just want to wish you all the strength in the world.
Thank you, Amber
I posted a link on my blog. Not much traffic there at the moment, but should pick up in the next months.
Yes. My grandmother. My dad’s only brother and the first born child committed suicide. My grandmother literally went to bed and died three months later.
Please bend instead of breaking.
I’ve seen this happen, just recently. Still getting through it, and so is my family. My heart goes out to you. Moon-pluto is a real bitch.
yes. a family member of my mother’s generation was forced by her catholic parents to have an abortion in college. she’s still around but she’s kind of a ghost.
my grandparents lost a baby to SIDS and they made it through but the family was never the same regardless. how can you be?
they also lived by the ocean for several months afterwards. it was easier to do that sort of thing back then, with a tent and some firewood….
Right on for that posting ‘Reality.’ I really realate to what you are saying from the way you wrote that. Reading those words felt like hearing from a kindrid spirit, which is rare for me. That is just a feeling that resounded in me and those were the words that came “kindred spirit.”
I have a couple of notes to add to my entry from last night. There was an ‘interim’ between my original blunt trauma and the event of the suicide plan/spiritual awakening as I described above(I keep writing blunt shock by accident as there was an out-of-the-blue [seemingly, anyway] element in my blunt trauma situation, a shock component, that does not seem exactly the same case with your blunt trauma, Elsa but either way, i think the same ideas make sense to consider). [It was said (I even overheard them say!) that I should have had some inkling of what could happen but the fact of the matter is that I had no inkling that anything like that could ever happen ‘to me’ so there was a very shocky feel to the whole thing as well.
That interval was between June 6, 2000 and October 10, 2000. There was also a major therapeutic weekend experience which, while a non-profit group, I don’t want to look like I am trying to plug some organization (which I’m not) so I won’t mention it by name. So anyway, there were two more variables, major variable, to this story above, and it occurred to me that they sound be mentioned and emphasized as having been part of the package. there is also a third very important variable. As a recovering alcoholic, I do not drink alcohol at all. [I think that many potentially spiritually monumental moments get washed away in the anesthetic power of alcohol, but that is my personal aside, and I am not criticizing drinkers.] Just a detail, too important to leave out.
OK. So what had happened was that hhe therapeutic weekend (Extremely extremely intense thearpy type in a group context, all female) immediately preceeded the sucicide plan/spiritual awakening. What happened is that I came out of that feeling nothing but EMPTY, I do mean nothing but empty, and that seemed like a very bad thing initially, very undesirable. It utterly freaked me out. I remember my mental process. So much had hinged for me on that therapy helping me, and what my mind wrongly said was, “You feel Empty. It didn’t work. The only choice left is kill yourself.”
The despair of the original pain was not there at all immediatrely folling the weekend, it had gone poof, but the Big Empty part, wow, I had no idea what to do with that. This pure clear emptiness, no pain, no shame, no guilt, no self pity, no vitcim, no rage at the injustice, not any of those old roles…just nothing. Nothing! Who am I? What is this? What do I do now? There is nothing there is just this Emptiness, nothing but emptiness! Hence the suicide plan, (ridiculous as that may sound as a solution to ‘Empty, and I see that now).’
Where ‘Reality’ speaks so profoundly using the metaphor of the weed and the flower, I tend to think of peanuts.
What happened is that when this whole thing went down, I was flying on a plane, in the row seats where 2 rows of three people each face each other like a conversational area of 6. Unique to Southwest air in coach I believe. there by coincidence having made the plane with one minute to spare linked to the chaos that was my life at that moment.
Anyway, I was flying back to where I lived from where I had traveled to to attend that healing weekend and as I sat there, suicide plan intact, for some strange reason I began to feel much better (I have heard this, watch out if a depressed person suddenly seem upbeat, they may have a suicide plan and, after that, I can see how that might have some validity.) Anyway, in this new and better frame of mind I found myself wondering, just wondering…”I am going to kill myself! Why do these peanuts taste so darn good?”
I ate the whole small bag and then found that I wanted more, so I asked the flight attendent for another bag, and then most of the other five people suddenly handed me their peanuts! That was cool, so I enjoyed some more peanuts and then commenced to dig into my back pack and pull out a book (apparently it made sense to me to read on the plane even though I was going to kill myself as soon as I got to the place where I could carry out my plan.)
I opened the book (some Zen book, I can look it up, Stephen somebody, Butcher? Bachelor? something like that), anyway, I opened it up at random, not really looking for any kind of message, (not intentionally anyway), and right there on the page, sounding very much like a bland old cliche’ it said (something like) this:
“The darkest hour is right before the dawn.”
Pow. That was it. The zen master stick.
And it was at that moment that Emptiness turned directly into a God-Intoxicated-Bliss which wemt on and on and on, to levels and dreams (awake and asleep) that I cannot begin to describe, and which, as I said before, continue today and I am forever different.
o. Thank you for posting this Elsa and thanks for everyone who posted your beautiful thoughts/comments. (Althera I remember very clearly being read Where the Red Fern Grows to, by my Grade 5 teacher–a long time ago! It affected me deeply and I’m grateful to be reminded of this).