Dear Elsa,
I’m 33 at present and very much want a loving and stable relationship & to start a family. Unfortunately, I seem to have a penchant for attracting difficult relationships wherein the guy can’t or won’t commit. These situations leave me very distressed, to the point that it affects my physical health. I’ve been told by those close to me that I am too intimidating and unapproachable, however once involved I get too intense and scare the guys away.
Very recently, I’ve been troubled by a male colleague who is married and has 2 children. He says he loves me a lot and it is affecting his family life. I have always advised him to keep away from me and clearly stated that I do not want anything from him. However, he still continues to meet me at the workplace and says that he wants to get intimate with me. Once, he even mentioned that if I get married to someone else, he would still be in touch with me and be my lover.
To be honest, I do have feelings for him and like him a lot but my conscience is never convinced with any emotion. I’ve been terribly distressed due to this situation and being conservative, I abhor cheating in relationships. Many a time, I’ve felt the need to quit my job and be at home for sometime as I feel so drained by all this trauma. However, I can’t afford to leave my job & why should I run away?
Please advise me how I can break away from these destructive patterns and work towards a real & fulfilling relationship with a man and family that is my own. I am very hopeful that if I’m honest, the universe will guide me towards love whatever be my shortcomings.
Hopeful
India
Dear Hopeful,
You’re asking very good questions. First on the guy at work: it’s very hard for a man to engage a woman who does not give him energy. For example if you told this guy you would rather have cancer than be intimate with him and roared laughing as if he were the fool of the century for suggesting he was going to follow you around, I bet you’d shrink that dick down and be rid of this guy in about 2 seconds. So why don’t you do that?
Well I’ll tell you why. It’s because he fits your pattern. He is a difficult man who is not available for commitment, and even if he was available, you wouldn’t want him. Because you already know he’s a cheater, yes? And you’re a Scorpio! You don’t want this guy. So what are you doing, hmm?
If you ask me, you’re wasting time. Time that is precious if you are 33 years old and you want children. So here’s my advice:
Dump the guy at work and know exactly why you’re doing it. You’re doing it because it’s a dumb and destructive game. And worse than that, it is distracting and disabling you from using your energy in a way that might heal your problems and allow you to have the life you say you want.
Once you’re clear, your main job will be to stay that way. By that I mean no more going down garden paths with commitment-phobic men. You simply don’t have the time. But get this loud and clear:
Women who routinely get involved with men who won’t or can’t commit are invariably commitment-phobic themselves and you are no exception. If it is of any comfort to you, I am also no exception! So I think your friends are off base when they say you scare men and so forth. This is not the issue! You choose the men purposefully (even if sub or semi-consciously) so at the end of the movie, you get free. And unless you can dig in there and come to terms with the fact this all originates in you I am afraid you’ll be doomed to repeat this pattern for the rest of your life.
The need for space is in your chart – as is the potential for real love later in life – but you are going to have to do some work, and take some responsibility too. The guy at work is wasting your time. If you are willing to do what you have to do to make him stop, perhaps when you find a man who is not wasting your time, you’ll be willing (and able) to do what you have to do to make him stay. But all this panic and victim hood and hand-wringing has got to stop. Because are you really that powerless? I find this hard to believe.
Good luck