Supposed Wisdom: What You Believe About Men

“I think you are wanting him to act like a woman which is not going to happen and all these adages you believe and invest in are harmful to you…”

I wrote that to a client, upset today because she’s up to her neck in all the old saws about men. They only want what they can’t have for example. Or you should hide your intellect and not be too deep.  Reveal your feelings and you lose.

I think this bullshit. If you are trying to get laid these things might work but if you are a woman trying to get laid, anything will work.

There are a whole bunch of women out there with no success whatsoever with men. I really wouldn’t be asking them advice on how to get along with men because clearly they have no idea.

Do your beliefs about men hinder your relationships with them?

35 thoughts on “Supposed Wisdom: What You Believe About Men”

  1. Avatar
    Anna in Canada

    Men are men and I’ve known that since I was a kid. I’ve met women who have the oddest ideas about men and “relationships” and I simply can’t relate to them. If it were me giving advice, I would have used blunter language. LOL.

  2. What I know is this: He either loves you or he doesn’t.

    That combined with “Work to get, work to keep” is really all you need to know.

    The stuff beyond this or outside this is all internal… problems you give yourself for whatever reason.

  3. I believe men are all individuals like all human beings. I also believe they all have a penis. That’s it, and no it doesn’t hinder my relationships with them. If something hinders my relationships, it’s my issues, my beliefs about me and about people in general. I also try to stay away from both men and women who try to force gender stereotypes on me.

  4. I don’t think that I’ve ever been wired to think that I can make a man love me. Player tricks hardly ever work on me, and I was just stunned and hurt when someone I had trusted, who seemed forthright, ended up doing a number on me.

    I also know that he’s either interested or he isn’t – and that if he is (or he loves you), then it shouldn’t be that hard. When he was interested (and when he claimed to love me) and he was paying attention, then he responded to my vulnerability with warmth – he didn’t run. When he had backed off or just wasn’t feeling it so much, he brushed it off. I remember when I asked him one thing via email, and he responded to me with some dick attitude. I wasn’t putting anything on him, I just wanted one question answered, and I pointed out that I hadn’t been like that with him when he was upset… the following day, he asked me how I was doing. I called him on mixed messages, and everything, and he didn’t run – when he did threaten to disappear, I told him to go ahead. (And I meant it.) Then other things happened, and he did a 180, completely surprising me in a bad, bad way.

    I wish that I only wanted to get laid.

  5. @elsa … “That combined with “Work to get, work to keep” is really all you need to know.”

    Can you elaborate on the “work to get” …

    If I hear one more person say… “he’s not that into you” … in this day and age… how does one foster a connection?

    1. “Can you elaborate on the “work to get” …”

      I mean if you have to tap dance and stand on your head and turn yourself inside out, be perfect all the time and bust your ass to get a man, you will have to keep that up so you may as well find a man who likes you normal…

  6. i think i understand men better than women. mostly because they rarely pulled weird cliquish shunning or ostracism, and were generally willing to hang out with a girl (uhm pretty, i guess, maybe, also helps)

    figuring out how to date them is way trickier. but i’ve gone the friends first route pretty much every time. where i’ve pretty much just been myself. i’m more comfortable around men. (could be the aries)

  7. I would like to stand firm and say this is my belief and it always will be..but lately that hasn’t been holding ground. So, instead I’ll say, i have come to the recent conclusion that men are human. They will never be perfect and they will never automatically know or meet my expectations. They deserve the same amount of respect and consideration for their individual needs as women.
    Right now, I feel like that won’t change. But as sure as i say it, we will all find out that they are actually not human and I’ll be back to square one again. So, keeping it on the DL here.

  8. Hmmm, I think I understand how to interact with men very well and I don’t want them to act like women, but it is my own lack of conviction that has hindered my success in relationship…

  9. I am pretty popular with guys — have lots of guy friends all my life and am usually involved with one guy or another — but i had to learn how to relate to men I wanted to stick in a romantic relationship with. There was a point in my mid 20s when I realized that a lot of my bs relationship drama was some internal angst and not something *they* were or weren’t doing to me. And I decided it was rude and obnoxious to put that on them. So I just stopped doing that.
    Problem is, it doesn’t make the internal angst go away. It’s always yours to manage and figure our how to deal with in your own life.

  10. I once dated a guy who didn’t care nothing for me. I’m not talking dislike, I’m talking no feeling whatsoever for me. After 3 months I had enough and dumped his ass!

    It’s like if I have to kiss your boots to get you to like me then you obviously don’t like me at all! He tried to text me dozens of times, but I never responded. I’ve been dumped before and about 3 times in my life so it was nice to be at the position of rejecting rather than being rejected for once, Lol.

    I’m not saying he had to like me, but he could’ve showed some respect and dumped me respectfully, but instead he kept me hanging on for months!

  11. I’ve always got on great with men as friends and as people, probably better than with women. The problems start when, as Harry said to Sally, the sex thing gets in the way.

    I’m realising now, late on in life, that it’s because no one ever taught me anything about how to relate in this way. So I got it from the movies instead. And I bet I’m not the only one either. Young women need the example of parents and older people with successful relationships, and they need these people to interact with them, to talk and discuss with them about relating and how to work at it.

    Without this, all they can do is dream it up from…… where?

  12. “Without this, all they can do is dream it up from…… where?”

    You’re right, opal. This has to be addressed but suggesting how it might be (and dealing with the backlash) is above my pay grade, however…

    Eventually we’ll be living like cave men and women again and then we’ll figure it out as people do have a survival instinct somewhere.

  13. Well, that’s true, and it’s going to happen faster than people think. When all the distractions of modern life disappear, all we’ll be left with is reality. How shocking will that be?

  14. Some of us never left reality. 🙂 Of course, we’ve gotten pretty high watchin’ the rest of you. 🙂

  15. In my world, I can’t help noticing the hindering ideas that men have about WOMEN. Men are as culpable for relationship failures, as much as any woman is. The bottom line is, I guess, is that if we ask nothing from men; then it’s all good… I beg to differ.
    I’ll acknowledge my past mistakes, but I’ll be damned if any unilateral relationship is worth my juice; because it isn’t !

  16. thanks for the clarification, Elsa. That’s what I’m trying to do these days… take me as I am… and I’ll do the same!

  17. I agree with both lo_soleil and Elsa. A lot of men out there do have hindering ideas about us, and a lot of women don’t ask enough of men. It seems to be the norm to have FwB relationships (I’ve never had nor wanted one), and a lot of women – and occasionally men – are out there wanting more, but afraid to ask for or expect it. I told someone to go f**k himself, when he asked me if I wanted to play. Apparently, I was supposed to just swoon, and drop my drawers. No, thanks.

    (I don’t mean to be contentious – I’ve just been told, something that both upset me and pissed me off, so I hope it isn’t coming out here. If it is, it isn’t my intention.)

  18. I’m afraid that maybe I didn’t understand you then, Elsa.
    When you speak about men, it’s usually (in my perception) a really permissive tone; much like John Gray [the ‘Women are from Venus/Men are from Mars’ guy]. It sounds like the ‘get rid of the ‘Honey-do list, and don’t expect emotions from your man’ rhetoric I’ve been hearing over the past 20 years.

    My problem with that is, what do men have to offer us, but their needs; if we ask nothing from their end ? I’ve lived that scenario, and it’s too unbalanced for me to return to, and still feel healthy; you know ?

  19. le_soleil – I am sorry but that is a total projection. For example, I would not let a man within 10 feet of my pussy unless I was pretty damned sure he was going to / would want to / be willing to marry me if this is what I wanted.

    Is that permissive?

    Women are screwed right now – SCREWED and they are beginning to realize it.

    I am out of this thread now. I am sorry but my puppy keeps getting me up in the 3 o’clocks and keeping me up until 10-11 pm and I am too exhausted to debate.

    Y’all have fun.

  20. No, that’s not permissive. That’s the nitty-gritty, that’s definitely ‘picking one’s battles’.

    I didn’t feel that I was projecting, per se; I just wasn’t hearing the full message, apparently.

    IMO, though, women are only screwed if they can’t get independent enough to hold out for nothing less than what they want — and I think that most want what you demand; so I guess we’re not so different after all.

  21. I think women should stick together. They don’t and look how it is. Or look at anything BUT how it it is and see where that gets you.

    Not you, le_soleil, I am speaking generally. The idea is not to HIDE your intellect but to HAVE an intellect and use the damned thing!

  22. Avatar
    Anna in Canada

    I must live in a very different world because I can’t even begin to relate to most of what’s been said. There are so many terrific men out there. And terrific women. So what’s the problem?
    I wonder if online dating is to blame for this de-valuing and mistreatment of men towards women and vice versa? I’ve heard such depressing and demeaning stories from people who have gone this route. They’re treated like catalogue items, as cans of soup lined up on a shelf. You don’t like chicken noodle? No worries, there’s beef and barley right next to it. You don’t put out? No problemo, I have another date tonight with someone who will.

  23. I also feel like I might live in a different world… I don’t have any strict rules or codes when it comes to relationships. I haven’t ever searched for a man or a relationship either, I find men at work/online (not online dating though) and 90% of the times I’m the one who’s reluctant to commit. I don’t think I’ve ever had problems with commitment-phobic men, because I totally understand them 😀

    Of course I’ve done silly things in my teenage years where I might have let a guy take advantage of me, but I don’t feel it was a male/female issue rather than my own issue. This also happened at a time when tv and magazines tried to spoon-fed everyone with “Women are from Venus, Men are from Mars” and rules to dating. Didn’t work for me.

    I also happen to know men who DO seem to want women who hide their intelligence and appear helpless. This probably makes these men feel really masculine 😀 If a man can’t be a man without that sort of bullshit, then I’m not interested and I would NEVER in my right mind fake stupidity for the sake of a stupid guy.

  24. I’ve been working on de-bunking a lot of my fucked-up beliefs about men. The worst of which was that none of them gave a shit about me, so I didn’t need to give a shit about them.

    Fortunately, this has turned out to by untrue. I just had to learn what to look for.

  25. be who you are is always good advice. easier to find men who actually respect you that way. if you know what respect looks like.

  26. Salali,

    Nobody make anybody therein lies the beauty and tyranny of love 😀

    We all are unique yet we all have commonalities.
    When we love we ignore or perhaps are blind to differences, when we hate we find differences even when they are non-existant.

    What that saying again..

    This to shall pass.

    Regards to all & thanks a lot to bloggers.

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