I have never really been good at maintaining platonic friendships or finding and maintaining romantic relationships. Part of me longs deeply for closeness and intimacy. The other part seems to push people away when they get too close. Part of me aches for touch. But another part of me feels very anxious when being touched or a person is standing too close. Part of me aches with a sense of loneliness. Then another part of me relishes the freedom from emotional entanglements. Part of me can be very concerned for the well-being of others and seeks to be of help. Then part of me feels incapable of empathetic connection and remains aloof. Part of me will try to be there for others. Then another part of me freaks out and needs distance from the pain and drama in the lives of others. Part of me can be very encouraging. Then part of me tends to be bitingly critical, judgmental, and alienating. I am at a loss regarding this internal dance of extremes.
I am beginning to wonder if one of my lessons in this life is to learn how to be alone and be my own person. In the past, I have often found myself either so enmeshed in the lives of others taking on their personas and characteristics or being so needy and clingy to the point of being a nuisance. When people would register their annoyance, I would withdraw feeling hurt not wanting to make myself vulnerable again.
Related to this is my relationship history. I have not had a boyfriend since I was 17. The last time I kissed someone intimately was at 19. The last date was at 23. Further, I have never been physically intimate with anyone. One could argue that my history has more to do with where I chose to put my energy during my teens, twenties, and early thirties (school, work, and religion). But, I still wonder whether something more is happening beyond my control. In fact, others have said things to me that make me think as much.
One woman whom I barely knew and with whom I never talked about marriage told me that she did not think I would ever marry. She also told me that I seemed too picky. Another woman once told me that she did not think that I liked men and even discouraged her husband from setting me up with someone, even though she never told me why. I had one woman tell me that she thought I was gay because she saw me lying on a bed with a woman who was a friend. In fact, other people have subtly hinted to me that they wondered about my orientation.
Can you give me some insight?
To tell you the truth, this is one of the more challenging questions I have ever had. You’ve got it all tied up, see. It’s not like I can say, hey! Go get what you want! Because you refuse to state what you want. You want to be close to someone…not. You want to be dependent… not. You want to be connected but aloof, etc. and so forth.
And this is not so uncommon in a milder form. People are naturally ambivalent. But you are refusing to choose…. anything. You’re 40 and you won’t state a sexual preference?
I’m sorry but it’s very easy to see how someone would become frustrated trying to relate to you. And I can use myself as an example, because I’m a person. And I would very much like to help you but I feel it’s impossible and it’s because you’ve made it this way.
Think about it. And with five planets in Virgo, thinking is your forte. If you refuse to define yourself, your wants, or your needs… if you insist on remaining utterly amorphous, how the hell is someone supposed to attach to you? Where should they grab?
Who do you want to have sex with? Who do you want to kiss? Animal, mineral or vegetable? We don’t know! We don’t know because you won’t tell us! And when people guess, they guess wrong. And I’m sorry but this seems very “baby-like” to me. A baby is ouchy. A baby is hurting but they can’t tell us why. They can’t tell us, “I need food, or I am cold or I am lonely, tired or bored….”
So here’s the deal:
I don’t agree your life lessons are to be alone and blah, blah, blah. You’ve already mastered that, don’t you think?
You’re a Cancer rising with a Cancer Moon. That’s the baby part. But this leaves Saturn ruling the 7th house (partnerships). I’d say your lesson is to learn to relate to others. But to do this, you’ll have to define yourself. You’ll have to be willing to draw some lines and to be very candid, you don’t sound willing at all. Which is your business of course. But you asked for my insight, so this is it.
And how you got this way, I don’t know. But it sounds as if your development is arrested. Because typically as people mature they gain definition. They get clarity around who they are what they want. And this is what you lack.
And it’s fine if you want to leave it that way. But if not, I would say you need to see a professional who will commit to staying in a relationship with you as you struggle to define yourself against them.
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