Has your worst fear ever manifested? I’m not talking about your garden variety “fear of failure”. I’m talking about your number one, mortal fear. The thing that makes you feel, you’d rather die than endure.
I know very few people who have had this experience, but I have a close friend going through this now which is why it’s on my mind.
I have been through it. It’s feels like you can’t breathe as you’re boiled alive. Invariably, disgusting people revel in your misery; glibly chatting about things they can’t possibly understand. If there were ever something to not forgive, this is it.
When you get hit like this, you generally can’t speak as words for this depth of pain cannot be summoned. If you have a friend going through something like this, you often have to support them, telepathically, or by some other ethereal connection – prayer. The person can’t necessarily sit through a conversation. It feels like you’re living and dying all at once.
Strangely, from what I’ve observed, it’s almost always something random that puts a person in this situation. Some kind of Pluto luck and yes, I’m being facetious.
Events like this change a person and leave them to mourn for their rest of their life. I’m talking, deep down, in the background. You can see it the eyes.
Who can relate?
Yes, I can relate. You’ve written about this so beautifully and with such understanding, Elsa, I’ve got a lump in my throat!
And also yes, when someone close to you endures this, I have sent love and empathy on the ‘airwaves’. It’s all you can do at such a time.
Elsa, you experienced something close to what they have (your friend), right? And I don’t mean their exact experience, I mean trauma in general. I feel like that kind of empathy and understanding that you demonstrate, it is possible because you experienced trauma yourself so you can understand the other person so deeply. But I do sit and wonder whether people who have not been through trama can understand, whether it is possible at all. I mean they probably can to some extent, but it is on a mental level, on emotional – not as much. What do you think?
Some people are “subterranean” by nature. I am like this, while simultaneously being an extrovert.
If a person is not designed this way, I don’t think it’s a fault or a lack. They have a different function.
I don’t think I’ve ever written about this, but I see it like a fish tank. I am the under gravel filter, where the shit falls? It has to be processed.
You need people like me or the fish die. The fish don’t realize their dependency.
Do you know who told me this and when?
It was my father; I was ten years old. We were cleaning the fish tank, see. He was Aquarian and thought this was funny. I’m me so I was just glad to have the insight.
He was not wrong.
Your words seem to strum where I was, but not anymore.It’s the sinking boat and you now are on shore, it’s dragging the dead horse ,when you realize ,there never was a ride just so much work fear and pain,and you let go.memories still sting thorns still rip up your very being, but you learn to distract yourself and fall forward into the day ,listen you will hear the bird , out there…
That little song, you are never alone, just in your thoughts.
That is beautiful, Raerae
Prose poetry, Raerae. Lovely.
When our son became gravely ill , after receiving his second “jab”, our life went into a living hell situation for 2 and a half years. It is the before and after in my life. He is healing, to a point.At least he isn’t terminal anymore.
Watching as you see a “child” possibly passing from this world before you do.. there has been nothing worse in my life than that. Then, the part where “friends” use the phrase “Well,Madeline, it’s not YOUR journey..” when I was lost in my trying to help him..
After several months of “helping” a lot of people can’t listen anymore, can’t watch,stop visiting.
Things have improved. Things will never be the same.HE will never be the same, my family is changed. Our expectations, our trust, our plans. One has to just change with the experiences.
With astrology,counseling,friends, and my husband,I’ve made it to the other side..Of course,I am changed. We all are. My worst fear has always been “What if something happens to my family..” And it did.
this brought tears to my eyes, thank you
My journey feels profound. I’ve been so knotted up, really bad in the head and neck. Feels like tectonic plate, cataclysmic breaking out. I’m in the Tsunami. Iam the tsunami. The sun feels/looks extra powerful today. I looked up my daily transits and i’m having 6 oppositions today; 3 with jupiter/asc, venus opp venus, neptune opp uranus and pluto opp my sun (2.18 orb) I am embroiled in change. Neptune sextile MC and uranus trine pluto also today. The bones in my head are unlocking (Atlas,sutures)
Yes, I lost my husband, love of my life.
Yes, you can see it in their eyes – if you have been through it too. Otherwise you just might think hey, these guy/gal is creepy, or some kind of strange. The absolute bonus for an experience like this is to be able to BE with another person who is going through it without offering advice, without platitudes of ‘all will be well’ , without talking at all, just holding them, in thought, in prayer, in just being there. Presence without judgement is the one place where people can let go and letting go is a miraculous thing – you discover that despite letting go of all you thought you need, something is still there. I’d say its your own strength, your own resilience, your own capacity that you thought you don’t have. No more need to ask for permission for anything, no more waiting for others to show you or do it for you, no more fear of what others might think or assume. Just a few hours of this is enough, you have the chance to emerge as a different person.
yes, I lost a brother as a teenager and then 15 years later, lost my other. My biggest fear… reliving that nightmare.
I am very sorry for this loss.Monumental.Sending hugs.
I blame Pluto ASC in Scorpio with Mars in 8th
It changed me fundamentally, I shall add. Never the same after that sort of experience, humbled to the core. Nothing is surface after that sort of darkness.
I am so sorry you lost your brothers. That’s just obscene! I agree, with what you’ve expressed here, wholeheartedly.
A family member just got hit with something , I don’t know if she will recover. I don’t know what to offer either because it is so beyond anything one can “work” on, heal from. This is also reminding me of that saying or I don’t know… a thing I read about what you worry about is not what you have in mind, but those things that you never considered. My worst fears are community based, and I think that is because I still live in an ignorance about what can affect me( privileged position).
3 of my worst fears manifested over the past 12 months (Pluto on sun in 12th). I feel like I’ve been shot/stabbed multiple times. Consequently, I feel like I’m surviving rather than living. I’m maintaining the faith and not losing hope of potential light/relief. May the sun shine on us all again, soon 🙏🏻🙏🏻🌞🌞.
Just reminded by Elsa in another blog entry how Laughter is the best medicine. Despite my hardships I have got plenty of giggles here and at times irl. I’m going to make sure I keep this up and not let Pluto stain me 🙂.
Oh, he’ll stain you. But it’s a stain you can learn to live with. Pluto scraped and razed my Cap 12H Sun and Mercury. To quote belladonna- it fundamentally changed me. I am still in the aftermath. However, aware of just how powerful I am.
Pluto is on my mercury as well. What you’ve said makes sense. It’s great that you recognise your power. Thanks for sharing your experience/knowledge of this transit 🙂.
You are welcome!
It happened to me in 2021. I still don’t know how I survived. Must be a guardian angel out there. I’m hopeful this year I can emerge from the grief rut I’ve been in ever since.
Good luck, Kate.
Wow, I was thinking about this last night. I’m not sure how I got here from there. My husband died. He literally just died over the span of two weeks of a cancer diagnosis. I was on autopilot to this point. Now on this side I stare into space wondering, how am I here? How did I get here? I’m still mourning the loss, processing it going on year 4. I have a huge support with our families combined. He was only 35. Im sad. Im mad. Im ok. Im mad again. He didn’t get to experience so much. We had still a lot to do. Im resentful at our couple friends who still have each other. Im confused. Im here.
I’m sorry, Pepe. What a horrible loss. I’m glad you have people around to help you. Your feelings make sense.
My worst was in 2013. Within 3 or so weeks, I lost my job, my mother, my dog, and my home. I ended up living in one bedroom in the house of a hoarding uncle and his girlfriend. I was deeply grateful, because without that I would have been on the street. I never fell so hard, so completely, so quickly, so thoroughly. Utter devastation.
I’ve spent the last 11 years climbing out from the wreckage. I’m doing better than then, but not as well as before it all happened. Afterwards, it’s hard to believe I got out, and I’m still haunted by the experience, always expecting the floor will fall out again. I got to depend heavily on a higher power, because any power or sense of it was lost. What the worst does is robs you of any sense of hope, ability, competence, or faith in the future. I always feel I’m looking over my shoulder, waiting for the worst to revisit.
Incidentally this happened during the horrible Uranus-Pluto square, for reference.