My husband has Mars (sex) in aspect with Saturn (control / responsibility). It’s in evidence here:
“Well I have a theory about women who want to cheat with you,” he said. “It has nothing to do with you. I think they just want to take something from someone else.”
“Yeah, that’s pretty common,” I said.
“That’s the way I’ve always seen it. Happened to me a few times and I never thought it had anything to do with me. I had a woman come up to me one time. She said my wife was cheating on me so how about… she thought I should do something with her.”
“Yeah?”
“Yea, but I brushed her off. Two wrongs don’t make a right do they?” He laughed. ˜That’s what I said to her.”
“You did?”
“Well it’s true. Two wrongs do not make a right but besides that she didn’t really want me. I was just a pawn. All she wanted to do was take something from another woman and I don’t think much of people like that, do you? I don’t want to sleep with someone like that. I don’t care if my wife is cheating or not, I don’t have time to be someone’s pawn. That woman had no interest in me. She was just trying to start some shit and I was not going to do it. Don’t come to me for that. I’m not your pawn. Go start your shit somewhere else.
Why do you think people cheat?
I never thought I was the cheating kind. Was always the one being cheated on. Now I am trapped in a loveless marriage and find myself attracted to a man also trapped in a loveless marriage. So far we have only talked about being together and are both trying to “free” ourselves so that we can. But it’s very difficult because of the stong attraction we feel and we have become very good friends.
I guess I understand the cheaters point of view if they are cheating because they are unhappy with where they are–but maybe getting away from “where they are” first would be a better option and save a few hearts from breaking.
Seems most folks cheat because they are out to prove something to themselves or someone else. Some to get even when they’ve been cheated on.
It’s funny cause even though my husband and I are over, and my friends wife has moved away (trial sep. or something like that), and we haven’t actually “done” anything–I still feel a bit guilty about my feelings for this man. Don’t know how people deal with this kind of turmoil.
I don’t know why people cheat. I have theories, but really don’t understand it from their point of view. I’ve always had the rule that if you want someone else first you’d better be done with me and tell me so.
People cheat because they want control or power, which are related closely. Basically, you’re in an unhappy relationship, but instead of dealing with your frustrations head on, you create this diversion. And in this little diversion you can create the rules and you can control it a little, because it’s secret. I agree, it has nothing to do with how your partner is acting.
I agree with Piya.
Movies tell me that people cheat after several years of marriage because they are tired of their partner, no longer having sex, tired of their lives, unsatisfied, and want to revive the feeling of the chase. It’s natural.
People cheat for as many reasons as they enter relationships. I agree with Piya in that usually its because there’s an unhappy relationship, but not always. Can’t always know what’s going on in somebody’s head.
People cheat because they get bored, but have no balls to either (a) strike out on their own or (b) communicate with their partner.
What everyone else said. 😉
On a personal level, cheaters completely baffle me. It’s truly incomprehensible. Even when someone lays out their (sometimes very good) reason(s) why, I still have trouble with it. I’m all, “But why not just leave?”
Of course, that didn’t stop me from telling the man whose wife was terminally ill to cheat if it made him feel better. (Uhm. . . I have Libra? :D) I did at least advise him to talk to his wife about it, though. (I think. I can’t find the post to make sure. If I didn’t, at least I meant to!)
People cheat, either because they need some love and attention desperately (the bad relationship) – or because they want some spice. The spice is mostly an ego-matter, and has little to do with the relationship, the partner that is cheated on or the person who is cheated with.
Maybe interesting example: I have a male friend who desperately wants to get married to his girlfriend: loves her deeply etc. but sleeps around all the same – the chase you know. I think he’s mad, but it’s his life…
Dina Says:
Movies tell me that people cheat after several years of marriage because they are tired of their partner, no longer having sex, tired of their lives, unsatisfied, and want to revive the feeling of the chase. It’s natural.
What’s natural is the desire to revive the feeling of the chase. What’s cheating is lying to get it.
I have very mixed feelings about this whole subject.
I was involved in a very serious emotional affair 10 years ago. The guy wanted to leave his wife for me, but I didn’t want to break up someone’s family. I felt really guilty about that.
It wasn’t my intention to hurt someone or get back at someone or anything like that. It wasn’t on his part, either. We were very strongly attracted to each other. We just couldn’t get together without devastating other people. So it eventually ended, but not without a lot of tears and pain.
Anyone who says this kind of stuff is fun…it isn’t.
Fast forward to now. I have a strong tie with a good friend…but this subject hasn’t come up. I’ve tried to fix the marriage, all in vain, because my husband doesn’t think he’s part of the problem. How can you fix something that’s broken when someone doesn’t care that it’s broken?
And then what about leaving? I would, IF someone else gave me the kind of love I deserve, BUT I have small kids, and I don’t want to break up the family…
Sigh. No easy answers.
The cheaters I have known,both male and female all had one thing in common.A large mean streak.For whatever reason,I have been the one these people come to when they confess/brag about the deed.These have been siblings,friends,the stranger next to me on a cross-Atlantic flight.It all came down to the same thing,they were pissed off at their spouse and felt they had the right to stick it to them…okay,there is a pun there..but I digress.They all,everyone of them,had the same mean glint in the eye when telling me about the affair/one-nighter.These affairs were fresh and so I don’t know if in years to come there will be any remorse or self-reflection to replace that.It was definitely not about romance or even sex.It was just being mean to your spouse.
I won’t cheat because I wouldn’t want someone to do it to me…I don’t understand it…it hurts so much to be cheated on…instead of cheating just break up with the person you’re with and move on!
Amber: Boy, that guy sure sounds like a winner.
Piya, yes indeed – he thinks he is, the rest of the world has their doubts.
i’ve heard lots of different reasons for it from ppl invloved in these situations.
personally, i think that circumstances align in a way that opens a door, and sometimes, people take it.
sometimes someone is bored or depressed. the other person strokes their ego or plugs into their family issues. or people start to blame their partner for their problems. or their relationship has deteriorated and they are looking for emotional relief. or there is a desire to retaliate for cheating or something else. maybe it’s the thrill of having a forbidden secret for some.
i’ve seen cheating tear people into shreds, though. whatever the reason, it can be a terribly painful situation that nobody comes out of clean and intact.
cheating is never right. if you are no longer happy. do not do not cheat . too much pain on the other person espically if there are children involve. remember the person you hurt still has to take care of the children left behind,still deal with job/career and their own depresion of being cheat on.
It is easy to offer your theories and what you would do and compassion but until you have been the one cheated on you will never ever understand the hurt the pain and the betrayel, have you ever thought that ppl complicate things and make excuses .like he’s unhappy , his spouse this his spouse that his needs are not being met……..have you ever looked at it this way ..perhaps the problem is the cheater is insecure ,inconsiderate of feelings other than their own and just maybe they cheat beacause they are selfish and instead of dealing with problems they just revolve their lives around anything but dealing with communicating or fixing things………if it’s broken throw it away theroy and get something new……possibly a g/f and a spouse that strokes their ego and believes the so called accusations.could not be true he’s such a nice guy the woman is to blame the spouse that has been cheated on knows the real person and the mistresses and affairs know the fake and eventually they get what they deserve.But at the cost of the children’s mental health…..it’s simple ppl need to put kids first they are our future and stop making excuses for men and woman that have affairs.They will repeat patterns and hurt ppl and eventually they will have it done to them one day.Thier is nothing to gain from a person with charater flaws .if they can’t see them what makes you think you can make them see them.Forget about changing cheaters or trying to figure them out it will drive you insane and ruin your life…….instead build up yourself and your kids and take back what you deserve for yourself to be a happier and healthier person.
People cheat because there to big of pussies to just broke-up with the person and to do the right thing wether they want revenge or not it don’t matter what other people do to you that’s no reason to brake another heart i’ve been cheated on and i have never cheated on anyone and don’t plain on it if you want revenge try something else because that’s not the way to do it
Hmm .. I saw a movie last night with a line that stuck: There’s the first death, and then there’s the death people see. (people as in other people)
I think this could define a state of being alot of marriages fall into and the cheater is someone between the first and second death (the marriage’s demise). Children complicate it because of course people want to do what’s right, according to society, socially, morally .. and if the wanna-be cheater doesn’t literally cheat he /she falls into a gray zone of meeting others’ needs / expectations and not following the heart, it already wandered off and will continue onward because it doesn’t take the kind of directives the mind and body do…
The question then remains: how much does the person miss their heart?
I have been someones number two a few times. I think there are several reasons. Some men think if sex as just that an act. It has no feelings or attachment. It’s a for the moment just because issue. The excitement, the HUNT, the rush and the moment is over.
Some men, and women as well use it as retribution to the ball and chain of commitment. A disobedient silent reply to controlling power plays in relationships.
As I get older, I laugh at all the drama and importance placed on sex. It seems silly in hindsight. Think Helen of Troy…
Some women who were raised to be beautiful appealing creatures to attract men are sadly disappointed to be traded in for a new model. Think John Derrick… Irsula, Linda, Bo.. all looked similar.
Some men find it hard to mate for life. Women seem to operate more from the heart on this issue. I think it’s a pride and respect issue.
4 years later, I think the same. Nice to know I am consistent with this:)
I have never cheated. It’s not who I am.
Karma. I don’t want that coming back to me one day when I am very happily married.
When I wanted to date a new guy, I broke up with the old one first. That’s the chance you take.
I know there are a few reasons why someone would cheat, but heres my take on it since I used to be a “filthy” (cheater/player, or promiscuous, whatever you prefer) in my teenange years. ;P I joke about it now but I learned how to be loyal eventually. It all started when a boyfriend of mine did me dirty,– a couple of times i was cheated on by my boyfriend with my best friend and this created a huge insecurity/fear of being hurt in me. The hurt was so deep that I decided if i cheat that it wouldn’t matter because all men are going to hurt me anyway. It was my defense mechanism, anger, my inability to trust, on top of the deep rooted hurt that compelled me to cheat by putting up a front of “not caring” and also having daddy issues & my parents hating eachothers guts. So I think that some , not all of these cheaters may have some deep-rooted issues that cause them to be insecure and/or promiscious. others i think just do it because it’s engrained in mans nature to be sexual beasts that can’t control themselves and they don’t think with their brains once – you know what – has been….aroused.. 😉
That is some of the most priceless advice I’ve ever heard!
Love. You feel love. Grasp it and enjoy it, let it go. Cheating is for tests, and diets.
There is no cheating when it comes to love. Be happy that you have experienced love… or maybe to most of you, it was just lust…
If you love someone, you don’t cheat. That’s my rule. So if in the future someone ever cheats on me boyfriend or husband, that’s the end for me.
Cheating is an act of desperation. I think the minority cheat sociopathically (out of vengeance, anger, malaise). And the majority cheat idealistically – they want so desperately to feel the rush, to feel alive (Mars) and so they delude themselves into thinking ‘love’ will save the day.
I also think it’s so common that it’s really hard to judge someone else’s decision to cheat. I do think there is a biological, evolutionary aspect as well.
eh. I agree that it’s hard to say and different for each person, though there are trends of course.
I only know one woman who has cheated, and that came about after an encounter with an old love who quite literally drives her over the edge in some way every time she has contact with him. My other closest girlfriend decided to leave her husband as she knew it was only a matter of time before she cheated, and she didn’t want to do that to him.
Otherwise, I have met many would-be cheaters via online dating. I have zero desire to be a side dish, but did have some interesting exchanges with these guys, and one thing I do observe is that often, it seems the spouse is not really a consideration at all (obviously). I mean that in the sense that cheaters often compartmentalize the spouse into the “commitment” folder, and feel that it’s ok to find a little something extra because they are remaining committed in other ways, at least technically. There is also the sense that they come to view cheating as a sort of noble pursuit, or at least not a bad move, as it helps them find enough satisfaction (or something) that they can manage to *stay married* even if they are deeply unhappy.
Often these people do use the “trapped in a loveless marriage” description as well.
I call 100% bs on that. NO ONE is trapped in any marriage. Yes it may be *inconvenient* to leave, and uncomfortable, possibly expensive? but thinking that you’re doing anyone any favors by lying to them is a complete ruse.
Additionally, many of the couples I know who are having trouble and approaching or are in the “loveless” zone are actually seething with anger. It is not just loveless, usually one side is quite hateful, while the other is apathetic. Their kids are bathed in this daily, and it’s heartbreaking to think this is what kids have to live with “for the sake of the family”?
GAH!
Anyway, my observation is that people claiming “loveless marriage” would do better to simply admit that THEY have stopped loving (and you know, it doesn’t matter why!). By growing a pair and dealing with it, at least you are giving both parties an opportunity to BE LOVED again, as clearly you’re unwilling or unable to do that with your spouse anymore.
Hell, at least negotiate an open marriage.
It’s so disrespectful to string your spouse along when you have already moved on. Agree very, very much with the assessment that cheaters are between the actual death and the public death of the marriage.
I think people cheat because they can, because they’re not in love with their partner, because they don’t think about consequences and because they’re into short term gain.
Everything everyone said makes sense.
But sometimes people just want to F!
They want to get down and sweat and just F! They live a life of the same thing over and over and still have a libido and their partner does not. That doesn’t mean they don’t love their partner, or that they want to destroy their family. They want sex. The kind they had in either the beginning of their relationship with their current partner or with someone else who will do it if their partner won’t or can’t.
We are human. We have different libidos. Some have no libido at all. So, one wants to F and the other has no interest in it anymore or due to health can’t. It’s not complicated. It’s a human need. We are born with it. And it doesn’t die because you become a certain age. It starts at puberty, and I am not sure it ever leaves.
However, you get to decide if that lust inside you is worth losing every single thing you have worked for, earned, the respect of your family and your literal legacy. The cheater ALWAYS gets caught eventually. I have rarely seen anyone get away with it forever. Even if done one time … it’s going to come out. Especially today with all the GPS and electronic monitoring that we live with. Cameras everywhere. Where are you going to cheat? Out in the middle of a forest?
If your needs are not being met, then it would seem you would speak to your partner. But that doesn’t always work. They may be happy with the way things are. You don’t bargain for this the day you get married. You think things will always be the same. Same desire and lust. Well, that is not how it works. Unless you have someone to tell you this when you are young you are blindsided when it happens.
I remember my grandmother telling me over and over ‘your word is your deed’. I didn’t really care what she was saying at the time but as the years passed, I came to understand it and now I deeply believe it. You stood up in front of …whoever and you said, I pick you. You made a promise when you did it. You gave your word. You don’t get to decide if that person ends up with no legs or on medication some day or if they have an accident 5 years later that leaves them unable to fulfill your personal desire. But you did make a promise.
Desire is strong. Overpowering. It’s bred into us. We are born to procreate. Make more of us. It’s raw. It’s as strong as our want to breathe.
Let’s just be honest. We can say there is all kind of psychological reasons or the person doing it is damaged or their family are bums and set bad examples… pick a reason. But the reason is people want to F! They want to feel that. Desire. Sex. This is normal and natural unless you decide to decimate an entire family because you can’t control it.
If you think your partner doesn’t feel that way because they say nothing or they are older, you would be wrong. They still want it. I do. But I would never betray my whole family because of it.
You have to remember when you cheat on your spouse you are also agreeing to cheat on your whole family, especially your kids. Now if people thought about that for a moment, they would decide it’s not a good idea to destroy your own children. So, find another way. Self-control? Or leave a legacy for your kids and grandchildren. I can clearly say my kids would never forgive me. They would never see me as the person they always knew. And their kids would be devastated too. Of course, they would still love me, and we would still be family. But their imagine of me would be tainted and they would second guess everything I did to teach them not to lie.
Even when you have an overwhelming desire there is probably nothing worth destroying the example you are trying to set for your children and theirs. I think if everyone thought about it for just a little while before they did it, they would say the same thing. Especially the ones who got caught and ruined the lives of many.
I have heard all the things about a loveless marriage. But once the partner is gone, they find out they actually did love them, they just wanted to F. You’ve been with someone for decades and you don’t love them? I’d say try to imagine how you would feel if they died. I bet most people would lose their mind if they lost their partner to death. But cheating…. not two F’s given.
I could continue on … especially leaving the person getting cheated on open to a whole host of disease.
“I bet most people would lose their mind if they lost their partner to death.”
Yes!
❤️