This post is inspired by a regular client who credits me with teaching her how to communicate with men. She has suggested I write about this and I probably will but today I want to trump that with this:
Say there is a man you’re interested in, the circumstance if how you meet is irrelevant. What, exactly do you offer?
My thought here is that there are two people that presumably would like to connect. To do that successfully, it follows that both people should extend themselves so that they might meet somewhere in the middle and I wonder how women do this. What is it that you have to give in order to begin to form a relationship with someone?
As an example, when I met my husband, I invited him to dinner. That meant I was willing to rush home, cook, clean, get dressed and entertain him in my my home. It was an offering, see? And it was accepted and on this basis a relationship was formed.
Women, what do you offer a man?
That’s a sweet picture.
Neptune Elsa! I become whatever they are looking for & disappear myself.
McKenna…I totally relate. I become what you want, I understand you (because usually if we connect I DO), bring you a blast of excitement, and then that neptune/uranus/sun conjunct suddenly has be disappear (or move) without warning. I just realized this pattern and am working on creating something lasting now 🙂
Good Luck WhosThatLady… I hope something lasting comes your way sooner rather than later =)
Listening.
“Hi. What’s your story?”
They’re so flustered and flattered, blushing and gushing ensues. By the end of it, my determining questions are answered and he feels loved.
Win, win? Check.
I’m not in the mood to offer them anything at the moment. Some I’ve come across act like they want one thing, and then do the opposite – chase the type of woman they claim to not want, a certain lifestyle. And many around my age, seem to want to be Tyler Durden (bad-a$$ a-hole, who I thought needed a shower). I used to be considered ‘hot’ when I didn’t feel comfortable with it, and I’m not sure if that qualifies now. I’m shy at first, and listen, like lolo – they just don’t always listen to *me*. I’m warm, interested and can be interesting at times, curious about the world.. I don’t take their crap. this question makes me feel sad right now.
Mars is opposing my Uranus/ascendant at the moment, and if I’m thinking about this, I’d like for them to be thinking about what they offer me, not “if I buy her a drink or dinner, will she put out?” But, “Damn, I like this woman. How do I not screw this up?”
I offer good conversation and lots of love and affection. I offer a desire to get out there and do stuff. I offer an acceptance of who they are. I offer nice friends so socializing with people he doesn’t know well is enjoyable and not torturous. I offer a willingness to listen and not try and tell him how he is going wrong with his life. I know for certain I boost his confidence a ton and he has told me repeatedly being with me makes him feel like a man.
I don’t know what that means, because I’m not a man but I assume it’s good;)
My Saturn is the same degree as his Sun and I’m really aware of this–I don’t tell him how to run his life because that is the most annoying manifestation of Saturn, ever.
Kashmiri’s reply covers the way I’ve been in the past – I’m just not there right now. (Sorry, I know we’re two different people, but I’ve offered all sorts of acceptance, only for them to go weird on me.)
For me it depends on the relationship. Since I have male as well as female friends that are very dear to me I offer them the same thing trust, unconditional, non-judgmental love, loyalty and belief in them as a person. They usually become an extension of my family to my way of thinking. Until that person is proven untrustworthy
However in a love relationship I offer all the above and total commitment of my self but I do not disappear I am still who I am they are who they are. However we are one as a couple should the relationship get that far. I cook, clean, nurture, give my all and usually receive in return.
Usually we accept whatever he is offering if we like him enough. After that, if we decide we want to see him again, we offer him whatever our Venus signifies.
Salali I should say, too, I am militant about maintaining my own identity in relationship, and as a result I’ve attracted men who demand the same. I’m also the only woman I know (aside from my sisters) who had it drilled into us from the time we were little girls we were to never, and I mean ever be with a man who would lay a hand on us. My dad thought this was “stupid making” and I say this not to offend anyone who are/were in abusive relationships. It’s just the reality of how I was raised.
I’m going to shed my usual Venus in Virgo modesty for a minute here and tell the truth.
I make a guy feel like a god. Really. And what’s terrific about that is that I’m no mere mortal, and the guys who fall for me know that . . . so making a guy feel like a god who is being worshipped by the queen of the universe is a pretty heady mix.
Oh yeah, and mind-blowing sex. Did I mention that affore-mentioned Venus is conjunct Pluto and Uranus? 🙂
This question makes me feel sad too, and I am also not in the mood to make an offering.
What I have never understood is why guys who want a homely, cookly, wifely creature, would date me and then try to convert me into that. It is apparently my #1 inadequacy in the world, that I am not a real woman like that.
@jenfullmoon: I finally stopped trying to be “a real woman like that.” It’s taken me a long time to figure out that playing up my strengths gets me farther than trying to beef up my so-called inadequacies. Dazzle them with what you have going on; the right guy will do the cooking!
I offer adventure and spontaneity. It is almost a challenge – I want to explore the depths and heights of the world, can you handle it?
I’ve only ever offered myself to one man, and I mean that quite literally, and I feel like what I offer him is endless amusement, mystery, entertainment, and bafflement. I think he’s always surprised by me, and intrigued by me, and all I have to do is just be me. It’s pretty easy. 😉
Sun in Libra to his Sun in Taurus. My ascendant is in Aquarius, his is in Cancer.
Good cooking, travel and adventure, emotional support, healing and spirituality and healthy lifestyle, intellectual stimulation and culture, good conversation, sexual passion. I have SO MUCH to offer I think. I also have a pretty solid family so if your sucks, it is possible that mine could potentially compensate to a degree. The only thing I can’t really offer, at least not at the moment, is financial stability or freedom to run off to live just anywhere as I am upholding the obligation to look after my aging parents.
I offer honesty and respect. I don’t pander. Venus Saturn conjunct in Aries 5th house. He should be happy I’m paying attention to him. Yeah, I can be a bitch to some guys. God help any man who tries to hit on me without my permission; I just cut them off cold.
New bf’s moon conjuncts this aspect in my chart. I think he actually appreciates this quality of mine.
Excellent conversation, good food, endless amusement and affection, and independence.
But for a first date? I offer to take him out to dinner generally. The excellent conversation is my lead in, independence is the framework on which I build everything else, and the endless affection comes through time and emotional intimacy.
This is interesting food for thought, as it got me thinking. I don’t mind making an offering, and I loosely define “offering” as intentionally projecting any degree of attention towards the man in question, within romantic context. Where attention goes, energy goes. Anyway, it also got me thinking that the vast majority of the time I make the initial offer to a man and I think I want to change that. I’m directing a lot of the complex energy in the sky to cultivating my independence, and as an independent woman, I don’t make offers, I take them. An additional benefit is that when I choose to make an offer, it will have more value, scarcity increases value, that kind of thing.
Right now, the only thing a man can offer me is sex, quality sex, but just sex nonetheless, and I’m all about the conquest anyway (I recently realized this so I’m embracing it for the time being, we’ll see how I feel about it later). I attribute this not so much to my Scorp planets, but that fiery Leo Mars in the 1st. Through that I learned to appreciate sex as a physical outlet (Leo recreation) and not get so emotionally caught up (Venus Pluto conjunct).
This is great food for thought, thanks Elsa 🙂
“My Saturn is the same degree as his Sun and I’m really aware of this–I don’t tell him how to run his life because that is the most annoying manifestation of Saturn, ever.”
I needed to remember that today. My husband and I share the same conjunction. Although he seems to appreciate my input, I need to shut up and give him the space to make his own decisions. I’m not his teacher or his boss.
EXCELLENT post and answers.
You know what, I don’t know what I offer. Yet, ‘offers’ keep coming my way. I suppose you could be flattered, but at one point it really baffles you – what is it that those guys really see in me?!
And the answer is: I just don’t know.
Tolerance and understanding – I’m a listener – and good food. Good sex too if it gets that far!
But I don’t have more to give these days; I’m not going to share my life with anyone unless they are quite mind-blowing, and they would need to have money as well, as I sure don’t have any!
All the womanly things, domestic stuff (if you stay out of my way), sex, intellect, financial advice, social appropriateness for your family and business, emotional support, very good holidays and celebrations. Great cooking. Nice presents. Very easy to travel with as long as it’s nice environments and not like camping 🙂 I don’t ignore you while I talk on the phone. I make good travel arrangements. I’m not overly demanding in the “gimme” department. Nonchalant about BJs.
However I do not embody feminine stereotypes like shoe shopping addicts and PMS drama queens. If that’s your idea of a woman, leave me alone.
Fun, double sag witty fun
(what they get is another story)
I am in a new, 3 month old relationship, after a very long period running my own race as a single.
I offer him my home, my food, my family, my pets, my social life. He is a broke student who loves to cook for my family.I love that. Yet his life is small and mine is big. Am weighing up on whether there is more to him than being a glorified house maid. Will wait unitl Saturn goes direct.
Anna, in my previous relationship, his (former partner’s) Saturn was conjunct my Moon.
When Leo and I started dating, I had a synastry chart done. Immediately. I think it’s helped a lot!
Funny thing is, my therapist is giving me a lot of advice on how to deal with my partner, and one of the things was “do not ever tell Leo how to run his life. Men hate that.” He’s a 65 year old Cancer. I’m taking his advice:)
my friends and family are laid back and easy to be with. I’m a decent cook, I have a very wide musical taste, I’m interested in learning new things, and I’m fairly tolerant. Also a good kisser and…other stuff. Will initiate once I feel comfortable.
An open heart and an open mind. Eye contact, undivided attention, and a fair amount of sexual energy! 😉
Okay, good one Elsa. Now that I’ve had a few days to meditate on this, I got one those “hit in the face” revelations about my conduct with a man. Long story short, I keep looking for a man I knew , and I know he’s been away for a while, but maybe he’s back. Maybe he’ll want to hear from me. He’ll appreciate my patience, I don’t give up on people I love.
But the thing is every time I reach out I get nothing, like literally nothing. The phone goes to voicemail. The emails go unresponded. All that Cancer in me is tenacious. But now the Scorpio side realizes that it’s a black hole of energy, this man, what I project. I keep making offerings to a grave, that’s the “hit me in the face” part. It’s like going to a house where no one answers the door, and the curtains are closed so you can’t even see inside. Every once in a while you’ll see someone picking up the mail. They’re polite and they don’t say much so you don’t ask much.
It’s time to let go. It’s a grave. There is nothing there. I can’t argue with the dead. It’s not him, it’s me, it’s what I feel, it’s what I project. It’s frustrating, but I’m stubborn. It’s all me. Maybe I would have better luck with men if I didn’t measure them against the bar he set.
Now I see what you mean by the cracks in the foundation. Something to think about.
((hardcorewatersign))
Great question. I put on my online profile what I offer and have been told my profile is refreshing. But this has me thinking even more as I read Caroline also stating what she can’t offer at the moment. It’s like right out there. So I may add something like that to mine.
I offer being active together and spending time alone to recharge. I make independent decisions with the relationship in mind. I like to share conversation, my philosophical thoughts and laugh at life. I’m fun, witty, loving, romantic, empathetic, communicative, spiritual, moral, and passionate to the right man.
As an invitation.. I usually offer to join them in something. I’m trying to learn how to invite them to something I’d like to do.. but that usually happens later once I know what we have in common. Also I’ve been playing passive recently and it’s interesting who I’ve attracted and not necessarily fair to them. If I’m doing passive I’d rather accept an invite similar to what I’d offer.
I’m learning to stay away from men who ask me if I cook on a first meeting. It’s not what I offer although I would cook for my family. We can always hire a cook. 😛
Just yesterday when moon went into libra I had 3 potentials contact me. All long distance with one being less long distance and one being somewhere I wouldn’t really want to live. The middle is interested in meeting me while he’s attending a festival nearby. This fits in that I offer to join them in something.
Thanks Elsa for the question.. and everyone’s responses.
And Kashmiri – you are doing great as I was nodding at what you offer and how I’ve seen it. 🙂
I also offer a great family who lets you live your own life while including you in the fold. And lots of gentle teasing. We are grounded folk.
I offer brainzzzzz…. oh and friendship. Surprising number of zombies out there never took me up on the offer of brainzzz. 😉
Ok just kidding, I offer interesting stories, acceptance of weirdness, and…I’m not totally sure. I think that’s why a lot of my dates never went beyond one or two dates, I got bored, was shopping for brainzzz myself, or at least some intellectual or worldly curiosity and so never offered anything because I wasn’t actually interested myself as they weren’t offering brainzzz.
I met my husband and we traded brainzz, friendship, and a very sporting sense of humor. Now that we’re married I cook and manage things for him. NOT the role I ever wanted or thought I’d be happy in, but cooking = better health for both of us and managing because if I don’t it doesn’t happen and important things fall through the cracks.
I guess in many ways I offer him an audience, sounding board and challenge all depending upon what he’s bringing to the table – funny story about business trip – listen. How to approach something – sounding board. Crazy stupid business idea – challenge. We balance eachother but I don’t know EXACTLY what I offered to get us here. Am going to think on this one the rest of the week, month, year 😀
This is an important question for me at this time in my life and I’m not sure. I’m controlling and talkative, insulting, quirky and sometimes dirty, unfeminine, sized in the early double digits, poorly dressed and sexually forward. I am also not adaptable and capable of being irascible. People who’ve dated me enjoyed my conversational pace and my ‘look, I’m a quirky girl, dig me.’ My exes had Venus in Gemini and mars in Virgo respectively. Meaning one thought my endless shit talk was funny and the other was able to argue with me about whether pork is healthy endlessly 🙂 Someone I thought I had in the bag read my Venus mars opposition and cardinal chart as dominance (not true I am cardinal but prefer to not lord it over a guy.)
I’m not sure what I ‘offer.’ I pay for food and don’t like to cook, but do know where the good restaurants are. My Venus opposition Mars traits aren’t readily obvious from my behavior but if I’m into the person enough I generally jump them too soon and ruin it 🙂
I guess I wonder whether the guy and I would be compatible. I thought I offer intelligent conversation but am not sure. I live somewhere where the flashy men i like go for women who are thinner, more stylish, and younger than me. Ive come home crying many nights from unsuccessful attempts to meet someone. I can tell you the well is running dry and ‘I get older and they look for women at a younger age.’ So I’m bitter and full of complexes. I just want to be me and see who comes around. Probably that’s what Annie Hall did.
I do not like men who ask you if you’re in a place with friends and judge you if you came there alone. I’m also sick of lying and saying I cook when I make food only I will like.
I wonder if comedians wonder about questions like this. My favorite may not be conscious of what he offers, but his emotional complexity is at a subtle timbre and women wildly appreciate his sophistication and his ability to name an emotion or insight.