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Battling Addiction & Suicide, with Connection

CocoPeaches
Posts: 162
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(@cocopeaches)
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Joined: 13 years ago

I didn't realize that there was such a strong connection between addiction and suicide, until I experienced the feelings as a recovering addict myself (marijuana). Holy shit, it gets so much worse with every relapse. It's so important to have someone who you can talk to openly about these types of feelings. Addiction feels like a switch has flipped to self-destruct, and it takes every bit of energy to flip it back to self-preservation mode. Apparently the longer you've been switching it back and forth, the harder it gets over time - like an old corroded switch from a bygone era. It's the craziest, scariest, most intense feeling I've ever felt.

Saturn in Pisces is transiting my 8th. I'm very fortunate to have an amazing support system, and feel immense gratitude now that I've really had to lean on them. Husband and family are totally here for me. I gather monthly with a group of women who care. I'm in a weekly CBT for addictions group on zoom.  I have two therapists, one in person weekly, and the other on zoom monthly. I've tried Zoloft and Paxil over the years, and thankfully I'm no longer taking any Rx drugs. I am prescribed 1800mg NAC for reducing cannabis cravings. I have my faith.

AMA, share your experiences here, or just know that you are not alone!

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Libra Noir
Posts: 394
(@libra-noir)
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Joined: 12 years ago

I’ll have seven years clean and sober on the 15th. I could not have done it without AA and the 12 steps; that I know as a certainty. My sponsor always insisted that I look at the causes and conditions but it still took me about three years to understand what that meant. In other words, the alcohol and drugs were not the problem. 

As far as suicide, I don’t think it’s a rule. Just my own personal experience and sitting in A LOT of meetings and listening to other’s experiences. But I do personally feel that a desire to commit suicide is truly a desire to transform. 

As far as how I do this: steps ten, 11 and 12 every day. Try not to be an asshole but when I am, say sorry. Pray and meditate, ask for guidance and help. And be of service in some way, do something for someone else. 

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CocoPeaches
(@cocopeaches)
Joined: 13 years ago

Trusted Member
Posts: 162

@libra-noir You will celebrate 7 years on the day after my birthday! Thanks for sharing. I don't have a sponsor but I just got a copy of the MA literature. I'm working on step 4 by myself. "Marijuana keeps suicidal thoughts at bay" is a pretty good facilitating belief, so I'm not at total abstinence yet.

I'm glad to hear suicidal thoughts don't always come up for everyone who is battling addiction. I know someone who recently attempted suicide. He was supposedly 8 months sober, so I looked up some statistics and it looked grim.

Ever since my NDE, I have felt like I am constantly being reborn. Desire to transform feels accurate. It's been 17 years so I may be reaching some semblance of adulthood as my new self. I was too young to mourn the loss of my own youth, until now I guess.

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Libra Noir
(@libra-noir)
Joined: 12 years ago

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Posts: 394

@cocopeaches If you can find a sponsor that you trust, I highly recommend it. It’s like- we don’t know what we don’t know- when doing the steps. And a trusted sponsor will pull your covers and answer questions and share their experience. Also it paves the way for you to sponsor other people which is a big part of the 12th step (When all else fails, working with a sponsee gets me out of myself, which is where the issue is). 

In any case, I know you’ve been through it with your addiction. I’m proud of you! As they say- keep coming back and don’t leave before the miracle happens. 

PS: Obviously you don’t have to answer this. But what sounds appealing about death? And I wonder if the essence of that could be projected onto a higher power? Like if it’s peace, release whatever- maybe your God could be that? 

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CocoPeaches
Posts: 162
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(@cocopeaches)
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Posted by: @libra-noir

keep coming back and don’t leave before the miracle happens. 

I love that. Thank you heart  

There's nothing attractive about death, really. It's feeling desperate for relief in moments of extreme vulnerability when using is not an option, and having no other ways to cope. The thoughts pop up out of seemingly nowhere when going through withdrawal. Cognitive behavioral therapy has helped massively with awareness, and I'm building up a mindfulness practice, but that all takes time. 

The first time I ever experienced anything like this (thoughts of wanting to die) was under high stress after months of abstinence, so I know that quitting weed doesn't resolve the issue. Quitting exposes the root cause. My situation appears to be about accepting the deficits of my TBI, and that's just a really nasty pill that I do not want to swallow. I keep committing to things that are above my abilities - which I think can be a good quality in different circumstances. In my case it's more of a flaw. I have no interest in being less ambitious, but my body says no. So I get stuck feeling bad for myself, even though I have life totally dicked.

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(@warped)
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Who wouldn't want to erase their pain, grief, fears, addictions, guilt, regrets, failures, self-hatred with a magic wand?  Instant oblivion, or to "a better place?" 

But what if the result of suicide ISN'T that at all, but a continuous loop of all one hoped to escape, or an even worse place?  No One Knows.

Would anyone rational choose that gamble, particularly one who would leave in shambles their devastated children or loved ones?  In cases of terminal illness it might make sense, to minimize suffering for all.  But otherwise, sadly, no.

 

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