Hello Elsa,
I found out recently that my husband of 13 years was having an online affair with an old ex-girlfriend. He ended their affair just before they could consummate it. In their e-mails, they professed their never-ending and true love for each other, etc. He also spoke very negatively about me with her. He was making plans to abandon me and our 3 children to be with this woman and her children.
I also found out he had sex with this same woman the very first year of our marriage. He had kept this secret for 12 years. I am trying to get past all of this, but I can’t. It hurts me to look at him. I’ve been faithful and loyal since the day I met him. I cannot fathom how he could betray me in that way. Why can’t I move on?
Thank you,
Taurean Wife
United States
Dear Wife,
Based on your note it seems unreasonable that anyone expect you to just move on. There is nothing in your mail to suggest your husband has any regret and even if he does what is he doing to make amends? I don’t know. Maybe nothing and if this is the case, I can’t imagine you will ever recover.
But let’s assume he is making an effort. If he is taking steps to repair your relationship and you’ve committed to trying to save your marriage, then it would seem you’re caught on this question: “How could he do this to me?” So I will try to answer that.
When your husband took up with this woman, I doubt he was thinking, “I am going to do this to my wife.” He was more likely doing everything he could to not think of you. And I am not excusing him, believe me. I just think it may help you to consider he was probably not acting out of malice but for a more narcissistic reason. Basically he wanted the attention this woman was offering which is a weakness by the way. His weakness.
If you start thinking down this alternative trail you may find a way out. But whatever you do, I hope you stop thinking of this as if you have a shortcoming of any kind (why can’t I get over this… what’s wrong with me) because the idea that this is your problem is a myth.
You are a faithful, loyal woman. Your husband cheats. His inability to be faithful is his problem, not yours.
Good luck.
Thank you Elsa, that’s beautiful advice
you know, if you want to stay together, you might consider counseling. i know some folks who have been through this in their own lives, and it’s difficult to rebuild a relationship after this. and it’s important for you to know that it doesn’t just fall into place and it takes time and work to make things workable again. that’s a HUGE violation of trust and it’s a major betrayal, and it doesn’t mean there’s soemthing wrong with you that it’s upsetting. i would be more concerned for you if it weren’t.
good luck getting your life back into your comfort zone. peace to you.
You sound like a wonderful lady keep your head up!! Youve done nothing wrong he has the problem.He has to be willing to try and prove to you he is worthy of you.If not one cant make things work.
This woman is incredibly tolerant to even try to forgive this man and move past it. I know, she says that he didn’t consumate the relataionship with sex the second time, but it’s almost worse to me that he was talking negatively about his wife to this other woman, planning on abandoning her, and professing his undying love. If I were this woman I would be wondering if he stayed for love, or because he felt guilty. And I think that bit about the affair in the first year would make me feel like the whole relationship had been built on a cracked foundation. I feel so bad for this woman! *sends her comforting vibes* Good luck getting through this, Taurean Wife.
This lady sounds too lovely and principled to revenge cheat, but if she didn’t, I hope she at least made it appear she did and let her husband share some of the pain.