I feel like I’m in the midst of yet another transition or maybe still transitioning, having not yet found my place in the world, not yet found my love/life partner in this world, not yet found my livelihood in this world and desperate for all (and secretly wishing they are all intertwined with each other). It’s not for lack of opportunity or interested companions -I’ve had & have numerous wonderful men profess their love & desire to be married or build a life together. Ok, so maybe I’m a commitment-phobe aka having to have everything right & perfect before I can completely trust and commit.
Where is this ridiculous fear coming from? I know… it’s coming from me. I suppose the real question is, how do I bust it?…will I bust it?…so I might fully engage in life like I know is possible!!
Many thanks Elsa for your insight!!
Looking For My Captain’s Hat
I have no idea what your signature means but I left it intact for others to puzzle over while I try to crack your problem, which I feel is far more common than the people care to admit. The cause, and the specifics from person to person are endlessly varied but what you have in common is this: You have cracked 40 years old and you are alone. I’ll tell you exactly why I think this is.
A good percentage of us really want to have a life. We want to see it all, do it all, be it all, taste it all, etc. etc. And we feel settling down will thwart us. The horizon constantly beckons.
The compulsion to see what’s around the next bend is a Sagittarius thing, but you can be Gemini (the sign opposite Sadge) and have the same preoccupation. “Why settle here when someone more interesting may be coming up the pike..?”
Virgos have their own flavor of this as well. Nothing is ever quite perfect. Aquarius does not want to be restricted in any way which is of course part and parcel of commitment.
I could go on through the signs, but you get my point. There is a certain percentage of people out there who, given one opportunity after the other for deeper relationship, choose to keep their options open. And personally, I don’t think this can or should be judged.
But then you hit 40. Or 45. Or whatever age it may occur to you that what you are doing has actually lost its shine. Been around the block how many times, now? And what was once new, the next conquest, has become old and tired. And it sounds like this is where you’re at.
Now this is going to sound harsh, but someone said this to me and I’m glad they did. The person pointed out that the idea we’re sleeping with the last man (or woman) we ever will sleep with is an absolute terror. Get it? It’s the end of the road. No more Christmas! I think a lot of commitment-phobics think like this on some level. It’s a bit like postponing growing up, isn’t it? Postponing aging. There is no time running out. There’s an endless stream of people and you’ve infinite chances!
So if you want to “bust” this as you say, I think it may help to make things like this conscious so the fear is no longer over not being able to go around the block one more time, but of being forced to circle the block for the rest of your life and nothing but.
And if you do this, your values will shift. All of the sudden, it’s the depth you’re after as opposed to the endless variety. It’s the heart connection and the chance to be really intimate, vulnerable and committed to another human being that you want. So this is my advice: