Crippled Again

Saturn man painting by Buz TafoyaSaturn square Neptune. Saturn will hobble a person. Neptune will obscure the cause. I’m back to not being able to walk again. I’m so pissed.

I had this problem last year and figured it out. It was such a shock. I’d get out of the car, and quickly realize, if I didn’t grab onto the car, I’d fall, splat onto the pavement. It took me a couple months, but I resolved that problem completely.  

This problem is new and this time I feel overwhelmed by it. I have not been able to get my neck treated in any way that’s effective for six months. I’ve lost confidence…in what? The system?

That’s funny isn’t it? We’re all so disillusioned. If I get this taken care of, it will be by the grace of God.

I’m really not sure what’s going. I might have hurt myself back when we had like…an inch of snow? How I could hurt myself in an inch of snow after living in Colorado for twenty years is a bit of a mystery. But I did manage to get my car stuck at that time and blah, blah. I’ve had an intermittent problem that has varied in severity ever since.

One thing about Lupus, when something happens to me, even a tiny cut on my finger, it doesn’t heal. Well, it does eventually, but it can take a small cut 2-3 weeks to close up.  It’s annoying more than anything.  But based on that, it’s possible I could have injured myself in the snow four months ago and still have a problem because of it.  Say I tore a muscle or something.

If this is the case, it’s probably inflammation which is part and parcel of lupus. But I don’t know. It could be related to my neck. My neck also threatens to cripple me…um…permanently. And it’s inflamed too, duh.

As for not being able to walk, this is the worst it’s been. And the problem is abnormal.  I have tried to use a cane and to have it be effective, I have to hold it in the middle of my body.

Have you ever tried to walk with a cane in your way?  It’s stupid beyond words.

At least I’m in a good mood.  I’ve got 90% of my garden in and it’s looking marvelous.  It’s Friday. I’ll start making calls on Monday, I guess.

58 thoughts on “Crippled Again”

  1. Dear Elsa,
    I am so sorry. My prayers are with you. Last year when you said you had it beat, my Pisces Moon said, no you don’t. I am not saying this to get you down, and I’m sorry to tell you this, but it will happen on and off for the rest of your life. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE
    get yourself one of those rascals. Then when you want to get around, no problem! I know, I know. You do not want to. Neither did I. Last year, at the county fair I rented one for the first time. and instead of being crippled and in horrible pain, I actually had a BLAST!!!!
    I kept on telling my brother and niece to try it out and they refused!? They reminded me of you. Please at least try one out. They have something like them in supermarkets now. I can see you riding one like a cowgirl. Yippee Yi kiyay! Dang it, they ain’t just for old folks.
    If you don’t want to see it, just park it in some closet you never use. I hope you are not mad or upset, that’s not my intent. I’m concerned and I want to help. Please just try one out.
    Sending Healing Prayers to you.

  2. my god you are a trooper.and determined!.I would be wallowing in self pity by now, said the pisces .my dad is a Capricorn and when he broke his ankle, he sat on the ground and cut boards to make a barn for his goats. Then he had my mom hand him the boards to build it, all while on crutches. when he does something,he is determined!

  3. I am so sorry for you suffering; you are such a warrior and what a beautiful spirit you have!!!! I will keep you in y prayers. Xxoo. judy

  4. I think I figured it out. I’m pretty sure that if I get a shot in my hip and another on my neck, I’ll be okay again, for awhile. But easier said than done!

  5. So sorry to hear you’re not doing well. I have no doubt you’ll be back to gardening soon! You are a trooper.

  6. Avatar
    Warped by Wuthering Heights

    Elsa, I hope you can get the shots again in time to enjoy your gardening. Meanwhile, how about trying a big walking stick instead of a cane?

    I see this man at the park who always walks with a long stout walking stick (about 4ft.) made from a tree branch. He has some sort of back problem, and he’s a bit stout, but he ambles along briskly gripping the stick around its neck in his right hand and stabbing it into the ground directly in front of him as you mentioned, for balance. He does just fine, looks like a great explorer with his gnarly stick! They’re very popular with hikers too.

  7. I hope all goes well for you, Elsa. This news is kind of saddening for me. We need you here. And, you need to finish and reap the rewards of your garden!!!

  8. Oh Elsa, I send you good thoughts and hope the system/doctors and specialists can give you some helpful answers and treatments!


  9. Could be the change of Season too? The shift in the weather (even if warmer does make you feel better). I hope it’s a flare up & you get a handle on it soon. They say attitude is everything… you’ve usually got the right one… & some!

    Damn cane though. I had crutches for ages when I did my back & they were a pain in the ass. I imagine a cane is even more frustrating =/

  10. Blame it on the stars; I for twenty years considered writing a book”gardening with a cane”. An old woman once told me I’d be older longer than young and it kept me thinking. On another note ,i have a friend who when walking her horse to the paddock with two small kids ,the horse reared and she held his lead rope short to keep from the children, horse took her down and roll over her body snapping her pelvis in two, in all her pain she kept that rope for control still protecting kids they ran for help, we are a couple years later,I tell her people are gonna start using a cane cause she makes them look sexy, she’ll always have a cane and damn she’s always smiling. I think I know why, she won she saved the kids.elsa there’s something you got to save and a smile that doesn’t want to leave and a cane that , well you ad lib here.

  11. Lupus flare ups seem to be caused by environmental factors, for the inflammation is caused by antibody release attacking your own proteins. I guess the question is why antibodies are being released. I know simple accidents would cause a release of them, but what other factors can contribute? Do you keep a log book of activities of daily living?

    1. See below. I have figured this out.

      What threw me is the pain in my groin – period – on one side. And I’ve had my back / neck mri’ed. No one has looked at my hip(s) so I just didn’t think of it.

  12. I think I’ve figured this out…

    The pain is in my groin. I was moving my foot in a weird way in the snow…trying to slide snow and gravel that was stuck around the tires.

    Anyway, apparently arthritis in the hip will refer pain to the groin. My leg does not hurt at all. So I stressed it at that time. And it hurt like this, but slowly improved.

    Then last week, I did all the planting. Like…150 things are planted, I squatted to do this. It seems a no-brainer it jacked my hip.

    So I am assuming I have arthritis in my hip which is pretty much a given. I have it in my back, my neck, my knees, my hands…plus it’s very common for Lupus. So I think I flared this up…and now under attack.

    On the upside, those shots (I had my first in my 20’s), have been very effective. The problem is getting someone to give me one! I don’t know what the deal is…

    I had doc in Denver that shot my back from time to time. Not once did he ever offer me pain drugs, nor did it ever occur to me to ask for them. Just shoot the damn thing! But for some reason, I just can’t get this done, or at least I’ve not been able to yet.

    Without a shot, I suspect this will calm down eventually. But “eventually” may mean a month or more…or three months. Because if you have Lupus, forget your body repairing itself. It doesn’t. It attacks you with a VENGEANCE.

    But eventually some kindly doctor will shoot my hip and my neck, I think. And eventually hip / neck surgery. And good luck to me on that, because as I just explained, my body does not heal…

    I think what the do is take you off Plaquenil at the very least, if you have surgery…to have a better chance to heal.

    Right now, it’s just a shock. I have felt really good lately and then, BAM. I can’t walk.

    But I will keep trying to walk, because I am just not into being an invalid. :::laughs::

    Sorry, but I’m just not.

  13. So as far as gardening…I have to be able to use the mantis tiller for weeds. It’s not so hot for gripping something shaking, however, I can stand upright. So either I get the shot or just concentrate on getting my hip calmed…and not aggravating it UNTIL I can get a shot.

  14. Echoing others… I will pray and send light your way for your neck and hip to heal and calm down. ❤❤❤ Thank you for all that you do x a million! I can’t even express how your words all over this blog have helped me navigate a really confusing time in my own life – they were/are a beacon!

  15. I’m sorry to hear this. Lupus hurts.
    This may help. I found some padded gloves for use with vibrating equipment. Tractor supply. I use them with the weed trimmer. Husband wears his while mowing, etc.

    1. Thanks for the tip. I think I can wait a couple weeks before I’m really going to have to get out there. I’m just hoping it will be okay. 🙂

  16. Maybe you could find a neighbor kid or one from church that would help in the garden for awhile for some spending money.

  17. Sorry to read this.
    Rarely get a chance to browse EE anymore–miss the members & site very much.

    Elsa, Manuka honey hastens healing – have you ever tried applying this to your wounds?
    Posted a few years ago I sliced top of finger w/mandolin and Manuka honey healed quickly.

  18. For what it’s worth, I’ve seen people walk with 2 canes for balance. And then there is always the walker. They come with seats. The sporty models don’t look so bad.

  19. SO glad you got the lion’s share of the garden started. I know that will help (psychologically at least). Tam’s idea is great. Sending ~HUGS~. My neck has been a mess for close to 3 months. I forgot the hip component – it needed injections a few years ago.

  20. Hi Elsa,
    I read your articles regularly. I have MS and had to stop work 6 years ago because of it. I’m “young” (57y/o this year), single, and have been sort of knocked out of living as I knew it. I don’t look like I’m “sick” so that compounds the problem. It’s been a difficult, difficult 6 years. I’ve finally started amateur container gardening, waist high. I sit here by myself, as far as having a social and support person/people, and I’m not good at doing the social thing alone (although I’ve improved a bit–Virgo, 6th house, 6 degrees). On top of that, I’m extremely Plutonian (pluto at 4 degrees virgo/conjunct sun and venus rx–8 degrees virgo) with Pisces rising, and cancer moon at 29 leo, all of which help contribute to this constant hole that I can’t seem to heal relationally (no doubt because of my own unconscious and unintentional off-putting energy) and then the “hidden” physical challenges compound everything. Talk about someone who still wonders what good I’m contributing to society. I feel for you, and have, as you deal with the unpredictability of Lupus, one thing that makes it similar to MS. I/ve read your posts the past couple of years. I send you and all who have this type of experience, positive energy, warmth, love and light. Although we all have our crosses to bear, many of those crosses are just not understandable unless you’ve experienced it yourself.

    1. Thanks. I am walking around better today, I don’t know why. But it makes me want to walk more / walk while I can. Use it or lose it, I hope. Because that’s better than not having that opportunity.

  21. Windsaloft you are right about the Manuka honey. Healed a spot I was beginning to worry may be cancer …bandaid and manuka honey for three days. Gone.


    I can hardly think of you having so much trouble. I want anything in the whole world except for you to be sick. Lupus is suck a hideous disease. Comes out of nowhere and strikes. The inflammation is unbearable. And, what you are doing is almost all a person can do. I know you eat well….ah….that garden. I remember when you did all that gardening in Colorado and put up all that food. You are so into making nutritious meals. (lucky husband) (Taurus LOVES that too)

    I am praying for you Elsa. You are always in my thoughts. I am up here falling apart too…. I am up, then knocked down. The thing about us is…we have no time to do anything but get back up and try. And, as long as you can take a breath I know you will. I am sending prayer in your directions. Hang on dear friend.

  22. I was born with Neptune in my sixth house so doctors can never figure out what is wrong with me. I’ve come to the conclusion it’s pretty much a waste of money to even try. I went in with a hugely swollen knee, got a cat scan, and they said there was nothing wrong.

    As for cuts, get some wound honey. It’s honey from Manuka trees. They usually sell it in Whole Foods, Sprouts or Natural Grocers. Or this:

  23. Elsa, I’m sure as tooting with you making a few adjustments here and there, you’ll move forward and back to creating no matter what your heart desires! But God even rested on the 7th day! If you’d like take a leisurely walk around that big beautiful property of yours, and just breathe some big deep breaths and exhale.. and happy Earth Day (every day) too!

  24. Thanks everyone! I got around a little better today. Now that I figured out it’s my hip, I’m going to get on some yoga to try to keep it functioning.

    1. As far as yoga — I would *strongly* recommend Iyengar with a highly trained teacher. I am training in this type of yoga, and some of my teachers are more knowledgeable than PTs, and this type of yoga — especially therapeutic and restorative, can be sooooo healing. Lots of good stretches for the hips, pelvic floor, I think this is a great idea for you!! GL!

  25. With any auto-immune issue the answer lies in the intestines. (Hidden, literally. Does Neptune have a sense of humour or what?) The gut is also the mileau (garden) to about 80 percent of our immune system. Do you have a copy of Dr. Amy Myers’ Autoimmune Solution? If not, please can I get you a copy? Chapter 4 is really great as it addresses Lupus. I find it neat that you have a beautiful garden. Your intuition (soul) is speaking to you through the analogy and I just know that you will get it right. Walking, doing yoga, and continuing with your beloved gardening is also healing, de-stressing and makes lots of sense. You are fixing things already. xx

  26. Lots of love to you Elsa. You are quite the warrior and can be very proud of yourself for achieving so much with all these physical challenges. May you have a lovely blessed day today and feel at least a little bit better. I’m grateful to you for what you give me through AstroDispatch. Blessings to you!

  27. (((Elsa))) I did yoga when my back was messed up several years ago. It did help with pain because it strengthened the muscles in my torso and helped with spine alignment. Best of luck to you! 🙂

  28. Oh Elsa, despite feeling so sorry about your pain it is also a bit amusing when later on you say ‘at least I got in 150 plants!’. You’re a blaster not a little and often person I guess. I have to shout at my mother for doing too much and then she pays for it afterwards, but that’s her way. Think it’s probably mine too, no-one can make you stop, like sharks that need to keep moving forward. Hope you get some relief soon, love and light to you.

  29. That’s a great video, JW. What I was recommending for Elsa was something more restorative and with lots of props! That’s why I love Iyengar, too, the idea is not to over-extend and possibly injure yourself. So blocks, belts, bolsters, blankets — all of it — with a trained teacher who can make the right adjustments for your body and also, possibly, a teacher trained in yoga therapy which can be just as good as regular PT.

    1. Hi capDB

      I wanted to give you credit for bringing up this topic, was looking into yoga also. I have Fribromyalgia. So, thank you for directing me to this video.

  30. Of course, JW! 🙂

    Just when I see those videos of Iyengar in India with no props, no support, no mat, holding poses that few people can do for long periods — I just want to be sure people get that you can still get the same benefits, and it’s okay to use props (most Iyengar studios here in the States encourage it) and it’s more therapeutic and safer that way.

  31. I’m sorry to hear that you’re not doing well. At least you got your garden planted. You are amazing lady! I know how hard it is to plant lots of things. Its real exercise and if you have arthritis or other things like that it will aggravate it.

    One of the best things I ever got (as a gift) was one of those portable garden benches. Its soft to kneel on or you can adjust it and sit and plant things. I usually sit because I have old knee injuries, but it makes gardening more comfortable.

    I hope you feel better soon and find a doctor to give you those shots again if you need them. Its really good for you to keep active and geez, there’s nothing like a garden to soothe the soul! Light and love to you Elsa. You’re an inspiration to us all.

  32. hello Elsa,

    This is a difficult disease to manage and live with, a friend of mine has it. Practically speaking, methods of transports when its grim are good, such as a mobility scooter. After an accident, I have had nerve/leg/feet problems for 6 years and low vit d levels from being indoors, inactive and no sun as I live in England! At it’s worst, I used a wheelchair when out shopping, got an automatic car rather than one with gearshift and accepted help. I am recovering, but as you advised me it is tidal somehow and I still need to rest, pace, and recuperate. I see a Shiatsu practitioner now which is hands on and makes me feel good- not sure how it works but I feel better- psychologically and that is part of the battle. Here in England, it is really hard to get help when it’s a vague illness. ( Neptune in Scorpio in my 6th house with my NNode there too). It’s so disappointing when you relapse, but a good time to reflect and work out why it’s happened and plan again and accept the safety net of having a back up plan. You seem to have been very busy and active & your garden is in, so enjoy.

  33. Hi Elsa,

    Re-reading your posts and trying to make sense of this Saturn Neptune period. I’m currently as well not able to walk which is frustrating beyond every, any and all patience.

    I hope this problem has resolved for you and I’m also hoping once this square clears something can be done about it for myself.

    My doctors are putting it on neurocysticercosis. Normally people get cysts caused by ingesting undercooked pork which develop in the brain and in really rare cases in the spine. Well, turns out I would get the rare of it. I’ve been on the meds for it for a couple months but they don’t seem to be taking. Now, the doctors aren’t even sure it’s that and I might require really scary surgery. My walking started with a few stumbles here and there to being dependent on a walker with pins and needles on my legs and feet; I’m only 30!

    31 in a few days. Virgo.

    Tons of blessings for you and your family!

    P.s. Thank you as always for sharing your very useful musings throughout!

    1. How scary, Pepe. I’m sorry you’re having to deal with this.

      My problems are resolved now. Hopefully, they’ll stay that way and hopefully you’ll get lucky too! 🙂

      Blessings back at you! 🙂

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