I’ve moved back to spend some time with my family, after being away for about 10 years with no visits at all for the last 5 years or so. I’ve never been very into my family and while I’ve kept it “cordial” with them over the years, we’ve been having very exaggerated blowups since I returned.
Also a few months ago I suddenly started realizing a lot of things: that I felt very hurt by them since early childhood, that I spent most of my teenage years feeling completely detached from and oblivious of them, and that I was glad to get the hell out of the country at 17.
Further, I realized that I’m terrified of getting into any more relationships with women because I’ve gone from being a nice guy whenever I’m involved in a relationship, to kind of a scary, controlling freak. I always project upon women as if they’re a crazy, demanding bitch… but I’m not even sure what’s what anymore
Now I’d like to figure out what my way out of my issues is. Since I’ve been back, I pick on everything they do, criticize them mercilessly and they’re shocked. I don’t want to be this way, but it seems like I can’t have a discussion without having a fight. I returned in a very good mood and eager to rejoin my family, and instead I’ve been a wreck, lying in bed for the last few months, and letting several good career opportunities slide.
I don’t want to be an asshole and shred their self-confidence, even if I’m being honest. Then I’ll be just like them! Help!
Man With Issues
It is clear that you have problems and need help beyond what I can offer in an advice blog. But perhaps I can give you some clues that will send you in the right direction.
First, you have no separation with your family. I don’t care if you traveled around the world and thought yourself independent: you carry their energy. The way I like to put it is, you have swallowed them whole. They live in you.
If you question this, go look in the mirror. Whose eyes are those? Whose eyebrows? You can see the physical manifestation of this, and I assure you this merge with your family takes place on other (all) levels.
So using this analogy, you can comb your (inherited) hair however you want. You can dye your hair or shave your head… but you can be sure that when your hair grows out, it’s going to be what? It is going to be your family hair. And you cannot escape this even if it is horribly disturbing to you.
And having Libra and a packed 7th house, I sure you want it to be them not you.
And having Aquarius rising I am sure you want to see yourself as an individual.
And having your Sun conjunct Neptune in Sagittarius, I am sure you want to be a high-minded spiritual sort.
But the fact remains, you have your family’s energy. The only way you are going to be able to resolve your problems is by understanding this, accepting and integrating it… so that ultimately you can have command of it and I’ll give you an example.
It is well and widely known that I was raised by a criminal and in fact I am not an innocent. I cop to having inherited a criminal mind and I use it on a daily basis to write this blog… which I feel is a high-minded service.
You can do the same with your family’s negative energy… but not until and unless you acknowledge you have been passed this baton.