Ex-Boyfriend Contacted Her After 30 Years – Pluto Transit

Pluto Man

Dear Elsa,

Earlier this year, an old lover called me on the phone “to see how I was doing”. He left me abruptly with little explanation nearly 30 years ago and moved far away. We never argued or fought, had a lot of common interests, were very compatible physically and I thought were on our way to marriage, but I was wrong.

While he was away, he met, married and had children with someone else and they have been married for almost this whole time. He says his wife is insanely jealous and keeps him on a tight leash. I could hear the fear in his voice. They have been very successful financially, according to him.

I was so startled to hear his voice and at the fact that I even picked up the phone (I usually let it ring through) that I can hardly remember the conversation. Anyway, since his call I have been an emotional wreck. The sound of his voice again after all these years unhinged me. I never married or had children and I don’t date much, being preoccupied with aging parents who live some distance from me.

Until he called I hadn’t thought of him. What is going on and when will these tears end?


Dear Suffering,

I feel horrible for you. Your pain is palpable and I wanted to post your letter so that at the very least it gets some air. I want to hold your pain to the light like this in, the hopes it will alleviate it even the tiniest bit. Because I get the idea you are isolated which can only intensify your feelings.

So now this is out here and people are reading it. People know this has happened and I am sure a good of them feel tremendous compassion for you. I know I do. But you are having a Pluto transit (and a Saturn transit to Pluto) and though I am going to try, I am not sure how much I can help.

First on the crying… forget about stopping the tears. On the contrary, I think you should cry and cry and cry. Cry as hard as you can. Cry until you get it out. Tears stop when they damn well please.

And if you cry long enough to get good at it, you’ll realize how healing they are. I know I’ve cried a lot of tears… way more than my share and these days when the tears run down my face, I smile. I smile because I like being an emotional person. I like being vulnerable and I like being alive. And this is what is happening to you right now. You are alive like you’ve never been before and I’ll explain.

You’re 55. And what you’re coming to terms with is your own mortality. Your parents are getting up there and then look what happens. This guy shows up to remind you how many years have passed. And where did they go? And what other paths might you have taken? And what about the path you did take?

These are painful things to ponder. Because you can’t turn back the clock and redo anything. And this is the process you’re in right now. And it sounds like your Ex is in a similar place.

What would his life have been like had he married you with your longer leash? I am sure it is painful for him to wonder but at the end of the day, or the end of next week, or next month, you will both have to come to terms with the fact that you are where you are and it is what it is.

And when that happens… when the mourning ends, the living will commence again and hopefully it will be sweeter than ever after having been reminded that our time here is limited and every bit of it, precious.

Much love. Take care and good luck.

pictured – Pluto, Agostino Carracci, 1557

10 thoughts on “Ex-Boyfriend Contacted Her After 30 Years – Pluto Transit”

  1. Dear suffering, Elsa is right when she says people feel compassion for you. I hope you will get through this soon. Best wishes,

  2. Dear Suffering,

    I hope it is not too late to respond. I too am going through a Pluto transit…I call it my Billy Holiday transit because I play Billy Holiday all the time and cry. For whatever reason God,the Universe, Pluto however you want to say it,constantly causes me and the one I love to cross paths. So basically the person whom I am in love with and can never be with is rubbed in my face all the time. Abraham Lincoln said “I will prepare and some day my chance will come.” So that’s what I have been doing. I have lost 20 pounds, and bought new clothes and read everything that I can get my hands on about self improvement. One day you and I both are going to get another chance at love and I am going to be ready. Love is going to come around again for you I promise.

    Hang in there…

  3. D – I don’t think it would be appropriate to contact someone out of curiosity. I am sort of just always here and people do write back from time to time or they come back and comment on one their blog a year or more after the fact. Particularly in this case… she has probably quit crying by now and to email her might start the whole thing over again.

    Some people write me privately but when people do show up months later, I do generally call it out because we do attach and are moved by these people, aren’t we?

    I love this blog. 🙂

  4. “she has probably quit crying by now and to email her might start the whole thing over again.”

    Yeah, you’re right, I didn’ think of that.

  5. Dear Elsa,

    I happened to be browsing the internet searching for answers on my current emotional state when I came across your website. I am faced with a similar problem like Suffering.

    A few weeks ago, I saw my ex boyfriend from 30 years ago in a casino (of all places). He was the boyfriend I loved for three years until I met my dear husband whom I have been married to for 29 years. I dropped my ex boyfriend like a hot potato 30 years ago. My ex boyfriend was a college student at that time and was so into his schooling. I spent a lot of time with him then but got bored because I had no interest in his forensic criminalist studies which was almost unheard of in those days. I am and have been happily married and have a very good husband who has been a wonderful father to our two adult children. However, when I saw my ex boyfriend after 30 years, I immediately noticed how he aged so rapidly and yet looked more handsome that ever. I was terribly attracted to him but was too scared to say hi because my husband was with me and also because of the guilt of dropping the ex boyfriend like a hot potato 30 years ago. Of course I now regret not saying hi to him. I don’t think he saw me. I hid behind the slot machines. Days later I was plagued with my emotions because I missed those times with my ex boyfriend, the fun we had together, the love we shared then, etc. I feel like I am in love with him all over again. I decided to google my ex boyfriend’s name on the internet and found out where he lives (West Coast) where he works, his current career in forensics, his marriage to a woman just a few years ago, etc. I decided to contact him at work place through their HR Dept. The person who answered the phone of course inquired who I was and what my message was and that she would make sure to give it to the employee I was looking for. I left a message about seeing my ex boyfriend in a casino out of state (my husband and I relocated to the east coast). I left my first name and maiden name, my phone number, my address and my email address. My call was never returned. I was crushed. So I called his sister (whom I have not spoken to in 30 years) and asked her if she could please have her brother call me back. I explained I needed closure (what closure….30 years ago, I told my ex boyfriend that I met someone else so I was breaking up with him). His sister said she would try and get her brother to call me but could not promise me anything. To date, I have not heard from my ex boyfriend. I still miss him and the good times we had together. I am still in love with my husband. I have no plans of leaving him at all. Too many people will be hurt, including my children. I just wanted to touch basis with the ex boyfriend. What for? I don’t really know. Perhaps I am curious, or bored, or who knows what. I am now 57 years old, retired and a little too old to act like a high school kid but I can’t help it. Please tell me what is wrong with me.


  6. Bojangles – I don’t think anything is wrong with you but it’s pretty clear this man does not want to talk. RThe way you remember things may be very different from his version, and I think you should let him be. I’m sorry. 🙁

  7. an x contacted me from 30 years ago on Facebook and he insisted me to call him so I did. Really strange. I live in ca and he lives in Oregon. He wanted me to to go visit him and his wife and kids! What is up with that?

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