Freeing Yourself From The Matrix

elsa desertIt’s not a big secret – I come from a background of severe abuse.  I don’t see things the way most people do.

I didn’t know this when I was young. How would I?  I grew up in the desert with no phone or TV. My family had one car, which my father took to work, in town. This left us completely isolated.

It’s not as sad as it sounds. It would take a long time for me to explain that. It’s off-topic for what I want to try to convey here so I’ll move on. I just don’t want people crying for me. There’s no need.

I realize now; I grew up in an alternative universe. Further my universe was unique.

By that I mean, there was no community. I’m comparing my experience to the experience of an Amish child.  “Abuse”, in the Amish community, I don’t know.  But the Amish are definitely offline, so to speak.  And when they go to town, everyone knows they don’t belong. This we have in common.

Now I didn’t have anyone to explain this to me. I have always felt I was normal and an okay person and even a funny, great person. Hey! It’s my world which is part of my point.

mowgli happyMy sister used to call me, Mowgli, from Jungle Book, meaning that Mowgli thought he belonged with the animals.  He didn’t know he was a boy. He had no frame of reference and he certainly wasn’t worried about it.

I couldn’t argue this. I’ve also been called, Nell of the Internet (from the movie). I kind of understand this. Let’s say, I understand it enough.  I’ve even been called and idiot savant!

Whatever my background, I got to town when I was fifteen. I didn’t suffer any repercussions from my  abusive background until I was in my mid-late twenties, heading into my Saturn return.

I went to therapy at that time. This is where I learned to jump the track. Which is how I saw this.

I wrote this in 2014. It’s worth a read.

Can You Overcome An Abusive Childhood?

Well, I learned there was a track. I had to teach myself to jump it, which I did.

There’s a theme here. I taught myself to read, I taught myself math. I taught myself to drive that truck.

I taught myself to overcome trauma. I taught myself to tend bar when I was fifteen years old. I also taught myself astrology and many other things.

My chart explains this. I have Mars conjunct Mercury in my ninth house. I seek knowledge, relentlessly. *I* seek it.

I’m back on this abuse topic today because over the last few years, I’ve come to understand a lot of things that elude almost everyone. I’m not meaning to be arrogant.  I can see things most cannot because of my of background.  It’s like a person who grows up blind; chances are they can hear things I can’t.

My feeling at this point is that virtually everyone, everywhere, is on a track.  Call me, “programmed” by my childhood. You are programmed by yours but also by what?  Media?

It’s undeniable at this point. Deny it and I will laugh at you.

You’re also programmed by your education.  Now this may freak people out but hopefully some can hear me. Education molds a person. There’s a lot of conditioning and you need to conform to be successful. I missed a lot of this training. Why?

Well, I started first grade when I was five and I could read on a seventh grade level.  This had them take me out of first grade and put me in second grade so I could learn to write cursive writing which was prerequisite to attending third grade.  I learned to write my letters, then started third grade when I was six.

When I finished two-thirds of my math book over the first weekend of of third grade, they took me out of third grade and had me work in the office and do other tasks.

Can you see how I missed class?  I missed almost everything. Phonics for example. If you teach yourself to read when you’re four, there are no phonics.  I lack commonality with people on many, many levels.  I have tried to merge but it’s impossible.

As an example, I see my husband and his son watch vintage MTV together, which they did  thirty years ago.  They enjoy this tremendously.  I can enjoy their enjoyment but these short videos provide no emotional hit or sense of nostalgia for me – why? Because I never saw them before in my life!  Consequently, no emotion is stirred. The stuff just looks dated to me. It also does not match the pictures my mind created to accompany the music, which I am familiar with.

This is why my ideas are often out-of-bounds and clashing.  I don’t look to “the teacher” or any other authority for answers because… well, they were all busy teaching their classes, which I was not a part of.  My training was very simple. Want to know something? Go to the library and figure it out.

elsa puppyMy mother wanted nothing to do with me. Double Aquarius, right?  Get out of here and whatever you do, don’t be an idiot, or commit the mortal sin of boring people! That was her line!

You can consider me an outcast or a weirdo or whatever. You’re not wrong!  But at this point, I’m grateful for the way I grew up and I mean this, sincerely.

No, I don’t like being beaten or any of the other horrific things that were done to me, but God brought good out of the bad. I see the necessity for a person like me.  It takes a lot to faze me and I mean A LOT.  If you’re really in trouble, you want a person will a cool head to help. But there is more.

People are socialized to feel like victims, in large part. It weakens the spirit.  Just as important, their attention and with it, their energy, is captured by the various screens in our lives in this day and age.

I’m sorry but this is also undeniable.  When your attention is focused on your phone, there’s an interaction there.  I hope it’s positive but it’s probably not.  Why? Because as years have passed what is accessible on your phone or tablet or computer has become more and more controlled.  This is especially true if you’re four or fourteen and you think you’re accessing all the information there is. No need to take your eyes off the screen.

For clarity (I hope), I want to mention this other phenomena I’m aware of. People look at me and project all kinds of crap on me, due to my background.  They draw conclusions about my feelings and/or my character or my motivations, nodding at my history to validate their ideas which are almost always erroneous. They tell themselves a story, basically and believe me, they believe it.

I’m talking about intelligent, educated people.  It’s like that have a flowchart. If this -> then that. But the equation is faulty!

If the core equation is off, your odds of getting the right answer are virtually zero.  But the person doesn’t know this. How would they know it? Chances are the person who might check their work has the same jacked up flowchart!  It’s ingenious.

I’ve only recently come to understand this. The flowchart becomes the person’s “gospel” so to speak. Like the train analogy above. They’ve memorized the material and believe it to be irrefutable. That’s their track and they go ’round and ’round with their wrong conclusions. It’s just like a person whose dad said they were ugly. Decades pass and they live not just with, but in that scarring.

So what about this matrix thing? Most have some idea what I’m talking about. It’s about breaking your programming, regardless of where it came from. Most know by now. they were taught things that are wrong and untrue. They were misinformed. I’m not blaming teachers or parents for that matter. The same thing happened to the teacher or the parents. They seem to be finding out now.  And guess what they weren’t taught. They were not taught how to get out or even that you can get out.

It takes courage. It takes determination.  But life has become so insufferable for people, more and more are ready and willing to admit something has gone wrong. I snapped in 2015 and reported the event here:

Humbling – When You Find Out You’re Wrong…

I think this will be very important for Saturn in Pisces. I became aware there was a problem, when Saturn was transiting Virgo. That post was written with Saturn in Sagittarius.  I realized I believed lies!  Now Saturn will head into Pisces and these transits are tied.  What do you think about working to really understand the beauty in this world? It’s a marvel.

I’m going to stop here. I don’t know if this is comprehensible. I’m hoping some can hear me. I’ve sat on this for many months… more than a year.

I’m eight years old in the top picture and five in the lower one. I don’t know what you see but I see a free-thinking son-of-bitch who likes dogs, living undercover with a library card.

Who are you? How were you programmed?  Are you good with it or do you feel like breaking the chains to go out of bounds?

43 thoughts on “Freeing Yourself From The Matrix”

  1. You have such an interesting story. All the things you were able to teach yourself is inspiring.

    Today I feel there is so much emphasis on victimhood. You’re a woman – you’re a victim! You can’t pay your student loans – you’re a victim! You’re black – you need get ahold of reparations! Etc.

    So refreshing to see the example of someone who was determined to learn and grown from all her experiences. I read a story about how we could reframe post traumatic stress syndrome into post traumatic growth and it seems to me that’s exactly what you’ve done. Bravo, I say!

      1. Elsa, you set the perfect example for all who need to break free from the programming of victimhood, conformity, and dependence. All anyone needs to understand the beauty of this world is that photo of you with the puppy.

  2. I feel privileged to read your insights here on your blog for the last 12 years. I hear you,and I understand every word. I have enough of parallel experiences that pointed me in the same direction. I am not fluent enough to write on this blog- but I do want you to know that I hear you – and that your wisdom has helped me greatly in the past years. you are one of the most wise, clever and insightful persons online- defiantly the most interesting- and I hear that you got dimples too- which means you keep smiling:) in my books- the one that did not get their smile wiped off their face by life-is the true life master. thank you Elsa.

  3. Absolutely brilliant writing, I just have to say, I’ve been talking about “this”, and jumping the rails my whole life, wowzer Elsa, loved every single word, I nodded and yes’d the whole way thru and I’m thrilled you wrote it all out. I need freedom of thought, beliefs, I need to be independent, my programming as a young child was religion, I sure jumped the tracks there, I so needed to be FREE of any subtle or injurious programming. What’s more I knew what programming was at about 3 years old. So it remained so important to have my mind free to choose my thoughts. Such a delightful read and it’s made me ‘smile’ on the inside, so thanks again for writing this.

  4. Reading this over, it’s kind of funny and very real. Tjhis:

    “Want to know something? Go to the library and figure it out.”

    If you read my book, you know I ran into an alcoholic – I had no earthly idea what to do or make of it or whatever. So I got on my bike and went to the library, over and over and over – cramming the books into my head, trying to grasp, wtf. I was 17 at the time… “alcoholism” and “AA” was all quite new in the culture. It wasn’t like it is now. But that was the process. Read, read, read, until something gels.

    But now the “modern” ways have become degraded as the control has taken over and you can’t find s**t about f**k as the kids say. Ha ha ha

    1. It’s a joke, meetings are for court ordered people unless you can break free yourself (speaking of myself) and find others to help and in return support.
      I’ve quit many times for years at a time, smoking as well, to only learn many years later that it’s an addiction, there’s a medication to help, naltrexone as I’m like people like me that get heart palpitations, sweats, anxiety, insomnia, hallucinations that can last several weeks and eventually breaking the quit cycle to return to drinking cycle, for some quitting cold turkey can lead to heart failure.
      The delusion of people like me who do not suffer short term withdrawal, hangover or DT’s it’s the long term signs.
      Anyway, they don’t teach it properly, structure AA on religion, for some, like me, it’s science and I’m self medicating a mountain of life trauma.
      Didn’t know you wrote a book, I’ll look into that.

  5. I think too, in few past years ,about my programming, and my ,today’s auto response ; I been making needed tweaking ,realizing reasons why I held pattern so long?
    I am confident and patient with this part.
    Ready ,willing and able towards next
    Thankful too, here. I not sure
    Of little drumbeat in me,but it’s soft
    Serious and intending to find that double beat for any part of my life in arrears .
    I am appreciative of YOU Today!!touche’

  6. Abusive history as well. My family were refugee immigrants and because of the hostility around them, and my parents didn’t want folks to know about the abuse, me and my siblings grew up isolated from folks in general.

    I’d say I’m still on the same track as before. But I’m increasingly more aware of it. I have Pluto transiting the 4th, so it’s been a journey of healing that.

    I actually work in childcare now (bought to this job by the universe to heal my inner child I think) and I can see the early conditioning of programming.

    Besides the regular conditioning from families, it’s strange (my opinion) that people have become so comfortable leaving their children with strangers for 9-10 hours a day. It’s like they’re being groomed to know what “work “ is like. Families even say that “…this is your job, to go to school…”

    An infant spending more time being cared for, not necessarily nurtured, but their basic needs taken care of someone that is paid to do that. Generally in the mix of maybe 8 other infants, all screaming.

    I’ve not seen the film the matrix but I know bits. It feels like that. People just stop questioning after a while because everyone does it.

    It’s actually costing more and cost-wise it actually doesn’t make enough to balance the risks of running one. Ours is still running cause we serve the military families.

    But in other cases these places set a huge sum of money to attend and there’s prestige with attending those places. I remember one parent bragging about where her child was, but both parents sent their child to being cared for by others.

    Eventually it because apparent that the parent who was shamed, that child receive a better education because their teacher was a great person and educator.

    I have Pluto in the 2 trine mer/mars in the 10 which suffers from clarity with an opposition to Neptune. But I observe families come in for tours and how little they question their surroundings.

    People are all smiles when they they try to sell you something. And they don’t seem to think beyond the veneer. My parents were polite smilers too and they were hiding a lot. Anyway, people seem to take everything at face value, the slogans, the sales pitches, the idea that u save money using this service and programmed into thinking is a necessity.

    Sorry for the long post. This got me thinking about where I work. We just lost 3 more teachers where I work. And we’ve steadily lost staff every month and we have a social media page and we announce their departures. But it makes me wonder if anyone outside looking in isn’t wondering about why so many people are jumping the ship?

      1. Thanks so much for writing this post, many others, and keeping this blog going! I would have never really thought about these things so succinctly if there wasn’t this avenue available. 🙂

  7. Geez, your honest self-appraisal and perspectives are profound. Love the photo of you with the vast nothingness of dessert around you, yet you define the landscape!
    Feel like I can relate in parts if not to the same degree.
    And can’t agree more with you about “people are socialized to feel like victims.” Before the internet you dealt with life without all this outside influence and it toughened you; this individual “me” narcissism mentality is changing our culture – for the worse imo. But hey, what do I know? I may be a fixed sign (Leo with Scorp moon and Aires Ascend) but like to believe am still a critical thinker enough to have learned in life that nothing is what it seems on the surface. Thanks for an inspiring post, know I’ll think about it throughout the day.

  8. I have at least one other Mowgli in my life and I love them to pieces. Great writing, Elsa. Your story is a powerful one! <3 Love <3 those photos of you.

  9. Hey I loooved that. I have been tripping out on Timothy Leary’s “turn on, tune in, drop out” it has always eluded me and caused growth in my perspective somehow someway. Sometimes I like the conclusions I come to and sometimes I do not. I loved the piece Elsa!

  10. I totally see that “free-thinking son-of-bitch who likes dogs [and was] living undercover with a library card”!!!! She rocks! …I grew up on a farm, we had lambs in the house, until they got quite big sometimes! lol!… my folks weren’t like my friends parents! not off grid by any stretch, but different … I spent most of my life being embarrassed by my dad … he’s got a uraniuan flavour, not necessarily the uranian flavour we’d like to claim for ourselves should we have anything uranian going on … he might not be clever but he’s ‘cute’ [not sure if that’s just a local saying]… then 2020 rocked up … I have never been so grateful for not having normal folks!!!! … they do as little of the matrix as is needed and they certainly intuitively know which bits not to do under any circumstances! I have no desire to be like ‘normal people'[if normal people are stuck in that matrix … with all that programming] & am grateful/ feel lucky for my background.

    1. Interesting! My grandfather used to stand on is head in the grocery store, to demonstrate the benefits of a healthy diet. We thought he was cool!!

      1. That’s ‘cool uranian’ IMO … saw a fairly recent pic on here of him doing crazy headstands on a bike?! … definitely cool uranian!! lol!!

  11. Oh my, reading that is a bit close to home for me. There are far too many sentences with similar experiences, but what is good is that you tell it how it is.

    I grew up in the outback in central Oz with no phone, no tv and a single car in the family that my father used to go to work in town miles away and at midnight once a week to meet the goods train coming from Adelaide!

    Abuse – yep – got that too and I do understand.

    What cracks me up no end is my middle son often tells me, “mum, you think differently to other people”! Mmmm, I wonder why that is? 😄

    Facts are facts, the truth is what it is. Care factor that others do not like that I do not conform to their ways is a bloody big zero 😄 Accept me as I am, or you can have the raspberries 😄

    Thank you for writing this as it is. FWIW, it does give me comfort that there are others who have experienced similar.

  12. Wow! Congratulations Elsa. Aquarius rising here. I didn’t get imprinted at school, because seen as having a mild disability ( the family is peppered with Aspergers.) This left me free to take in only what appealed to me: writing, art, music and dancing. Finished up a journalist and later a therapist. Labelled my schoolbooks with astrological symbols without knowing what the symbols meant. At sixty years of age, I decided it was time to confess to somebody that It’s on my mind that I’m an Alien and chose Gerry a gentle Aquarian Homoeopath. He said ” Oh we have a remedy for people who think they’re from another planet.” It feels liberating being 79yrs , self accepting and not trying to fit in any more. Love to all.

  13. You are quite correct, break the matrix, I am doing so now, reading my chart for the first time couple months ago, that is my matrix to follow, learning to be true to myself, follow my purpose.
    The world I live in, my being off track, the abuse like you, like so many, our lives disrupted and hijacked, things that occur, others deaths, lies in court as well, it perpetuates the victim cycle, for many like myself, self abuse and so on.
    A couple years ago I had to stop, close my shop, dissolve my business, quit social media, stop watching news, I realized I was shutting the world off, fast forward a couple years and I realize this is due to a huge phase that began as I entered adulthood, Pluto in 1st, through 2nd, headed to 3rd as it goes back and forth at the edge lol, that this autopilot I’ve lived on (trines) living with the entire world dictating my life.
    That’s over now, it’s not easy, I’ve left a trail this morning following both links stating this, you do have a way to express through understanding and it helps.
    I hated victim ideology my entire life, pushing through it always, living it, being it, if I said anything, people always said to be positive, that brings out rage because all I do is use my hurt to drive my willpower so I don’t end up back where I started.
    Funny that by learning myself, reading the chart, that’s exactly where I had to go, back to my beginning, reframe my life and see the self growth, my positivity and learn to be my Sun Sign and not the Ascendent.
    My only purpose now, prove the world wrong in their dealings with me, write an uplifting novel, share my gifts of vision, connect the dots and reveal the big picture I see, forgive the horrible people, then I win and by doing so I pray help many others.
    Reading your experiences today Elsa and all you others who also shared, it is all you guys that I understand and relate to, I’ll hope and pray, wish you all the best, thank you.

  14. Here’s a funny thing: When I worked in the office (third through sixth grade), one of my jobs was to call the parents of every kid who did not come to school that day OR who showed up late.

    “Hello, Mrs. Anderson. This is Elsa, I am a student office worker, assistant to the secretary? Your daughter, Tammy, is not at school today. We just want to make sure you’re aware of this and she’s home with your permission…”

    They also used to paddle kids in the principal’s office. It was horrific, since I was beaten at home. Mostly boys were paddled, but girls too, at times. The kids would leave the Principal’s office – I could always tell who would be back… and who would never be back.

    Then I grow up and marry my husbands; one of the kids who got paddled, for sure! It’s all such a trip.

  15. I can relate to this but for different reasons. Not to take away from the hurt and trauma and so on but ultimately we came here in these meat suits to individuate. Those of us who have experienced being on the periphery of society are best placed to do that and moreover to help others do the same.

  16. That Angie Girl

    I always thought my childhood was “normal” too. Not just my childhood, but my crazy life. It took me a while to realize that some people never have the weird random things happen to them that have happened to me.
    Like you, I’m glad to have the wealth of experience… not that I enjoyed it at the time.

    Right now, I am very comfortable in my skin, and enjoy my own company. I don’t worry about much because I know that whatever happens, I’ve got knowledge, experience and strength to handle it.


    Wee one, brought bare into cacophony,
    this emergent pantheon.
    This is your place
    of smell, touch, blaring light.
    This is how we show our face
    annoyed with your lack of social grace.
    Immersed, made into a person, a defined moving space,
    bound in time, mesmerized roughly, softly,
    swirling colors, voices, hands demanding

    Outcast from warm womb, safe discipline, of
    tribal faith
    to create from beyond common form,
    the pain of separation, bravery called by
    life’s instinctual desire,
    tricks of the trade.
    Within this sad parade —
    the human will to cure, kill, carry on
    courageous —
    if the art is true, burnt pure in sacrificial
    flame, aimed impeccably
    — cathedrals of
    awe and inspiration, hallmark of salvation

    Taste! Be made aware
    of sensation — touch this instant a place
    beyond who you’ve ever been.
    Beyond glory,
    graceful soul-wrought energy
    pours through these
    sacrificial clowns
    poisoned by immortality.
    It is for you we bleed,
    we cry,
    imbued with such weight — to hold
    that spark you know could set you free.

  18. Yep. I got ya. I, a recluse by birth apparently, grew up in a large and very sociable family who did everything they could to spark the outgoing in me. I, also, learned to read early – at 4 years old. Everywhere I went job, school, etc. people would assume I was unhappy or stupid because I was so quiet. Back in the day, when I started kindergarten, kids were given a IQ test, and my mom was so proud to find out I had the highest IQ in my family. I often amaze myself My loves are self-taught books, my cats, existing on this beautiful earth, living indoors and having a couple of meals a day. My only other love is trying to stay healthy. My response to those who ask “Poor thing you are alone? What’s wrong?”, is, I am not lonely or depressed…I am sheltered! Heck, I can love people from a distance. I love communicating via writing or telephone as either way if I feel projected upon or untruths assumed about my way of life, I can just disconnect…politely.

    1. Good life you have Bee! Similar for me. In my case borderline Aspie.
      “Protected”…I like that. I too love from afar. My mother and sister criticized and called me odd but when the next generation produced several Aspergers with high IQ who are contented in themselves like me they shut up. My daily email penfriend of ten years died in July. He was quickly replaced by a fellow artist who visits fortnightly for two hours because she had an instinctual calling to do so. I can only handle two hours and it’s just right. Cheers.

  19. i am humbled by how much programming i keep finding, no matter how much work i do.
    i spent elementary school reading library books under my desk. they were way more interesting than anything else going on in the room.
    but we teach like we’re training for a factory, still. that’s not the world our kids are living in.

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