Marriage In A Rut – Feels Trapped

Gold Necklace

Dear Elsa,

I got married about 8 months ago, and instantly we fell into a domestication that makes me feel trapped and angry. I am unaware of how to change the problem. I imagine myself expressing these concerns to my husband and asking for more of an open like relationship where we decide what we want it to be, versus just going along with tradition. But I can’t seem to do it.

Now I recently met a woman who I have strong feelings for. I don’t think I swing one way or another, I am just always attracted to experiences that feel karmic in nature or those which offer growth. I don’t know what to do. My husband is a wonderful man, but I think I didn’t realize how traditional he is.

Can you tell me if I am a commitment-phobe? Or do you have any advice??

Feeling Trapped
United States

Dear Trapped,

I don’t think you’re a commitment-phobe as I understand the term. I think what you have is “buyer’s remorse“. And further, I think it has little to do with your husband.

I say this because the way you describe your feelings fits your chart, which tells me you are going to feel this way anywhere you go. You have significant Libra in your chart so you are going to want to be partnered. But you’ve got a second stellium in Virgo, an unmarried woman – and there is the disconnect.

As for the trapped feeling, it’s not uncommon for a person with their Sun (and more) in the 12th house to feel as if they are in prison. So based on this, I would say your circumstance and your lousy feelings about them are going to be hard-wired until and unless you really work to explore other options.

In other words, let’s say you leave your husband for this woman. You could easily do that. You have Aquarius who likes to experiment. But the relationship will either fail, leaving you disillusioned (12th house) or alternately it will not fail and you will hook up with her. But if you do that, odds are you’ll be writing me in another 8 months to say you’re trapped again (12th house), but this time with a woman.

Now if leave your husband, and the relationship with the woman fails, then your Libra will kick back in and you’ll be out looking for another partner… and you get the idea.

Your discontent is internal. If you want to feel better you are going to have to evolve, rather than just keep plugging new people into the same slot, hoping for a new result.

Good luck.


9 thoughts on “Marriage In A Rut – Feels Trapped”

  1. Maybe this is one of the most difficult things to do: judging when a ‘problem’ is internal and hardwired or external. I think that once we realize what we can and can’t change by moving in the outside world, we become wise.

    As for myself, I have a significant prison feeling too, when I am ‘domesticated’ – I become a shadow of myself. Trying to figure out how to live free and partnered.

    Trapped, good luck!

  2. Wow, this problem really speaks to me! I feel like that EVERY time I live with a partner. The domesticity swallows me up and I feel like a different person. I feel boring to myself (the minutuae that has to be discussed when running a home). Add to that, I am not a good and organised housekeeper anyway and I feel trapped!!

    My getting married to my current husband (who I feel is The One) was spoilt by this too, amongst another difficulties at the time, including us moving away from a city I loved. I came so close to giving up on us but now I am glad I didn’t.

    I’ve been around long enough to know that I have always felt like this and the other person never seems nearly so frustrated by it as I do. So the “problem” must be me.

    Is it my Gemini rising, I wonder? My husband is an Aquarian (surprisingly hidebound for an Aquarian) but he is also quite amenable to going along with all sorts of schemes and plans which I need to feel like I’m actually living.

  3. I fight domestication, too. I do feel like Sibs, though -glad that I haven’t given up. Accepting that my lover had trouble with domestication was a big turning point.
    He had trouble with domestication because the woman he signed up with had issues even discussing whether or not “THEY” needed milk in the grocery store. You know, in public where there are PEOPLE around! People who can see they are, you know–DOMESTIC!

    I know a lot to do with it is Saturn (a lesson in reality if there ever was one) is in my 7th house (partnerships and relationships in general). The funny thing is: his Saturn is in 7th house, too!

    When you say “I didn’t realize how traditional he is,” what do you mean? Have you told your new spouse that you wish to seek a relationship with another person? That’s pretty hard to accept without resistence for many people based on a multitude of reasons, not just ‘tradition.’
    By tradition, do you mean monogamy? Out of curiosity, what do your wedding vows look like?

  4. Sorry, I should add as a disclaimer:

    When I ask what your vows look like, I do NOT mean this in a chastising, asshole-like way. I hope my true meaning is conveyed properly! Pure curiousity,

    Good luck and good vibes to you

  5. My sun is in my 12th house and has a square to Saturn – I have always felt like I was in jail unless I’m totally in control – and with Saturn squaring my sun, I’m not sure if I ever will be in control LOL. The most comfortable I have ever been is when I was comletely alone except for when I choose the company – no wonder my marriages didn’t work. I took a long time to find myself, an amazingly alone but not lonely time. Now I’m with someone who likes me just the way I am and refuses to try to tie me down – and I find I’m enjoying the challenge of it. I really think if he caught me, I’d get bored. The good thing is that I’ve reached a point in my life where bored doesn’t seem as awful as it was when I was younger. But I don’t want to be caught just yet.

  6. The Virgin in the House of Relationships: Coming Soon to a Theater Near You!

    (Sorry, Z, it just struck me funny. I have no clue what Virgo in 7th portends.)

  7. Virgo the Unmarried Woman..

    funny, i know a virgo woman who refuses to ever date another man again. she’s been alone for many years and says she likes it that way – “being married was a hassle,” she says..and now she can ‘do whatever she wants’ 😛 very independant. (fyi, she has aquarius rising which i’m sure adds to the whole independance thing)

  8. virgin used to mean (among a whole other combination of things) “owned by no man.” generally they were temple priestesses attached to a deity rather than a person.

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