My husband and I were talking about a young couple we know, concerned they might break up.
“You think they might? Don’t you think they love each other? Really love each other?”
“Yeah, I do. I think they do love each other but love is not enough.”
I stared.
“P, we loved each other. You couldn’t find two kids more in love than we were and it didn’t do any good. Love was not enough. You’ve got to have some maturity. People aren’t that smart when they’re young, they won’t listen to anyone and they’ve no idea what they are throwing away.”
“No one told us we were throwing something away.”
“Yeah they did. My mom told me, I didn’t listen.”
“Oh.”
“Yeah, P, love alone is not going to do it. You’ve got to have more than just love…”
So here’s the thing:
While this is a heads up for young couples who actually love each other, it makes me think of people in their 30’s, their 40’s, 50’s and beyond who are still thinking they are not going to have to weather some crap if they want to have someone in their life. I’d also say that this is why Saturn (commitment, maturity) is exalted in Libra (relationship).
What would you say?
Well, there’s garden-variety crap and then there’s deal-breaker crap. Sometimes it’s hard to tell which is which. Saturn in Libra is probably telling here because sometimes you don’t find out which you’ve got until it’s too late. Saturn being time and endings and all that.
So here’s a question: Is there a litmus test to figure out which is the dealbreaker crap and which is the crap that just goes with the territory of having a relationship? I know I couldn’t put up with affairs or willful, extended unemployment, or someone who sits in front of a computer with his dick in his hand all the time, but for some ladies, this is just fine and they somehow make it through. What and how much does Saturn reasonably expect you to endure?
I´m 35 and I´m still in love with B. I don´t believe that there is a real relationship crap-free. If both members are aware of that, it might not be as difficult as it is for those who think that ” love is enough” cause no, it is not. There´s more than that. For those in the 30´s or 40´s… wishing to be with someone but unable to take any crap… well, they might as well land on the real life before it´s too late. Does it depend on the birth chart? Uhm maybe maybe not, I believe it depends on your background, the baggage, how mature one is and of course how much crap is willing to take.
it seems like most deal-breaker crap is indicative that both people aren’t working on it. you wouldn’t spend the day on the computer with your dick in your hand if you knew your partner hated it and you really cared more about the relationship than about your dick.
perhaps (and I don’t know cos I don’t claim to be mature) maturity is less about focus on what you can take (put up with) and more about putting energy into what you can give (to the relationship). but it sure as fuck has to be mutual, that much I know.
Hell yeah, satori, mutuality is key. I get overwhelmed sometimes with what kind of life my SO and I have had together so far but there is a part of me that’s always curious what kind of storm we can weather and so I stay. Most of our serious problems involve external circumstances like family,work, illness, etc. and not personal so maybe that’s why.
I think that relationships take an enormous amount of discipline, especially in a society that’s so focussed on the needs of the individual–that seems to take priority over everything.
Personally I am quite happy to consider myself devoted to my partner, for the most part. It’s when my Sag comes up with plans like ‘I want to go meditate on a mountaintop for a year’ that my discontentment starts to fray.
I didn’t have much of a reflection. I thought back to the guy I was crazy in love with for years and years and then I hit Satori’s advice . . I think thats a pretty good perspective.
Ohh yeah that is the truth. Learn it young. Love is not enough. And for those who think that if they love the other person enough that will be enough. You need love on both sides and a fair amount of work too. I learned really young that love is not enough. Period. Full stop. Sit and think about that one. There are other pressures in this world and other important things like food on the table, family, etc. that just might not let you stay with that person.
Knowing what IS a dealbreaker is a sign of maturity. It takes knowing yourself a whole lot more. Things I would have said are dealbreakers when I was younger are exactly what I’ve got to deal with in my current relationship and the truth – I wouldn’t trade it for anything. Who I wanted as a partner – charachteristics I paid attention to changed during my saturn return. Really changed.
This from someone with saturn venus and an SO with saturn venus and saturn venus in our composite too. You learn you can take a lot – even deal with yourself and all your foibles if you really want the relationship to work.
🙂
I learned young that love was not enough. I wasn’t even quite 18, and we did love each other; ridiculously, completely and without any thing to get between it. Except for the whole he was gay thing, we’d be married right now with 2.5 kids and a picket fence and a dog and we’d still love each other more than anything on the planet and he would still be alive and my best friend; AIDS wouldn’t have taken him after I let him go as my lover and learned to treasure him as my best friend.
He is the reason I always believed I would never marry. I did, of course, and it lasted these 18 years, but it sold my husband short in a lot of ways because he could never be that man who loved even the hidden, shadow sides of me.
I have a shot of him taken at my wedding that breaks my heart when I see it. The look on his face defies words. I miss him to this day, and my world is colder without his smile and his heart in it.
OMG, Elsa…I just spewed on your blog. I’m sorry!
Kris, it’s okay, that’s why I put this thing here. 😉
I just want to say thank you to those who’ve posted their experiences here. I’m 22 and newly married (8 months) to a man I love more than anything and who loves me back. We both know that building and maintaining a successful relationship takes a lot of work and effort and a willingness to give and so many other things. I have to credit Elsa’s blog and the insights of the people who comment on it for a huge part of my awareness of what it means to have a good relationship. Thank you so much.
yes.
i still feel guilty, some days, about how much of an idiot i was at 14.
some things you really need a little more perspective on to understand their value.
I feel like the last ten years have been all about “love is not enough.” Love does not trump dealbreakers, and those are all about the two of you wanting opposite things with no way to compromise. In those cases, love just doesn’t matter.
Kris–“I have a shot of him taken at my wedding that breaks my heart when I see it. The look on his face defies words. I miss him to this day, and my world is colder without his smile and his heart in it.”
Hadn’t read this before– and it made me cry. This whole post makes me teary. This has happened often reading Elsa’s blog and the comments. Just read the Mosta quotes too and that got me started.
But it’s a compliment to Elsa and all the people on here. Emotion and mushiness and bittersweetness are all good things. :*)
I’m not sure if I agree, because if you’re under 25 years of age, love is enough. Things are going to happen, life is going to be hard, money troubles, family problems, personality issues . . . so why not enjoy the love, no matter the struggle that comes with it. Enduring things for love beats the heck out of enduring things for money, status, or whatever else it is you think you need.
After 25, love may not be enough. Because we get too smart. We have plans. We know what we want, where we want to be, what we want to be. And we’re afraid of getting hurt . . . so if it isn’t perfect, if its hard, then its just not worth it. . . From my perspective, missing love is not worth it. Everything ends, but not enjoying it as it comes is the biggest loss of all.
I’m 42 and I am no expert, but this is the advice I give all my children . . . Do it until it doesn’t feel right anymore . . .
I agree that love is not enough.
I think its great in the beginnning to get a bit dillusional that love can do -everything-. But the problem starts when we stay to that state , forgeting that we also have to work on it. To work on fixing ourselves and work on growing the relationship
You mention something about Saturn,Libra and maturity and it makes perfect sense.
Yeah and because I quess.. Libra its about compromising in a healthy way (mutual and not putting the other person needs higher than ours or the opposite)
-responsible with our actions and words (admit when we do something wrong,no always blame the other, no projecting)
-Learn to grow up as two -separate- individuals that work as one
Young people believe there is plenty of time to have everything they want..by the time they realise there really isnt enough time, theyre not the same…nothing is the same…things get more complicated.
Young people believe there is plenty of time to have everything they want..by the time they realise there really isnt enough time, theyre not the same…nothing is the same…things get more complicated.