Hey Elsa!
My boyfriend and I have dated on and off for the past nine months, we’ve been very comfy and I was for the first time, completely ready for nesting and maybe someday, babies. The sex is great, the energy calm, but he seems so skittish about the future. He finally told me he can’t stay committed to me b/c he says there’s “something missing.” He’s said this about EVERY relationship. Is there any hope for him coming around or should I just hit the road running?
Signed,
Grand Cross in My Chart
Dear Grand Cross,
You should probably hit the road running if you’ve discovered you want to nest and have children, because he’s told you he doesn’t. But what bothers me more is this guy’s attitude – “something is missing”. It suggests something is missing with you, and though I appreciate he’s always has this problem and apparently has copped to same…well he must like it that way. He must like running through women, because otherwise he’d be trying to figure it out and fix this.
What it sounds like what he’s figured out, is that he likes to be non-committed and this is his story. “Something is missing,” he tells the women. Well hell. I’d say this guarantees the woman will walk at some point which I think is exactly what he wants and ultimately, exactly what he’s going to get.
I’m sorry and good luck.
I think what is “missing” for this guy is freedom.
To say something is missing and not do something about it is a cop out. He should make a decision to stay or go. If he doesn’t make it, Elsa is right – get on out of there and find someone else.
I married a guy who was never entirely satisfied with life. eventually he decided that was somehow my fault and got rid of me. I don’t recommend it.
i’m sorry to hear this, “grand cross.” it’s one thing when you are aware of what’s going on in a relationship and you can openly address any issues. but “something’s missing” is pretty impossible to address.
i know you probably don’t want to just toss soemthing that you value. if you thought he just needs a little time or whatever, then you could probably ride it out. but if you’re just hearing stuff to the effect that he isn’t getting the magical charge out of it he expect, what on earth can you do with that? there’s no reason to think it’s just an issue of holding out, because he’s clear that this is consistent for him. very not about you, you know?
i have known some couples with similar commitment issues; there are times when one person does decide to move on that the other person comes to the realization they do want to pursue a more committed relationship, but you can’t count on that, obviously.
ultimately, i think you are best off respecting both his choices and your own. you may or may not end up together, but whereve you end up, you can be there with integrity. you know what i mean?
peace out.
This guy is just treading water, putting in minimal effort, and waiting for something better to come around. “Something is missing” – yeah, his balls.
I love it Alma!
kind of like satori said… it sounds like he’s missing a piece of himself and expects someone else to come along and fill it. not your job.
i think… you can grow inside a relationship. but it helps to be all of yourself first….
Hi Grand Cross, your question has been placed for comments, so I decided to share my point of view on this, hope you don’t mind. If your boyfriend told you he can’t stay committed it is because you somehow asked him, proposed or signalized a commitment. But some people won’t commit until the need comes from themselves, not from the partner. And not because they hate commitments but because they need to be in control, and accepting the partner’s proposal would be giving over the power to the partner and therefore loosing themselves (in their mind). I had this same issue and run away from several proposals, but if one of my boyfriends would have put his love over his need for commitment, I would still be there with him. They left and married someone else, of course, and I don’t blame them because I understand their needs too. I would say, if you truly love him stay without commitment – in a commitment to your own feelings. But if he’s not that important to you, and you want to marry and have children soon, look for someone who doesn’t have this issues.
With your beautiful grand cross you may love freedom yourself too, looking for stability through partnerships (Saturn in 7th house).
“To say something is missing and not do something about it is a cop out.”
Ah, you’re right dolce. But I’m kind of like that guy. If the energy were calm and “ready to settle down,” days would run together and I would get bored of my entire relationship in retrospect. No matter how unique and special Grand Cross may be, I would get bored of her too. Possibly this guy is uncomfortable about the doldrums and a spiceless life (regular, calm sex, babies), but wants to keep Grand Cross so therefore he’s whining that something’s missing without moving one way or the other. He wants a win win situation, though that would mean being in limbo and pissing and moaning. Hmm. If this is the way in every relationship, he will always get to that “something’s missing” point no matter how many new girls he goes through, without having the necessary imagination to see the relationship in a fresh way or to be pro-active and work at it. Not being jaded requires energy, being jaded and unsatisfied is easy. Whether you want to go through a thing like this is your choice, Grand Cross.
That may mean that he is simply not into you anymore and wants to move on. He may want to date other people or has met someone else he wants to date exclusively.
If he turely thinks something is missing and this isn’t a line he tells women, the thing that is missing is in him, or another way of saying it, is he’s in some way not complete. He lacks the ability to look within and instead looks outside of himself as the source of incompleteness. Elsa is right, if this isn’t concerning to him, nothing will ever change and he will just have a string of women over time.
Saturn in the 7th house person needs a serious, committed partner.
That’s why the sex is good then… He’s had a lot of practice.
Guys that are good with girls, calm and charming types, are sometimes not good in other areas of their lives. The thing that is ‘missing’ is probably the thing he hasn’t fought for.
Good reminder to listen when people say things.
If he (or she) doesn’t want to be committed and says so, for whatever fake or sincere reasons, don’t insist and move on.
Sometimes it’s hard to listen to something you don’t want to hear.
Hey Grand Cross, It is possible that everything might be quite nice and still one person feels like something is missing. Maybe you also feel like something is missing or maybe you haven’t really looked at a relationship necessarily as a thing that needs to be complete in itself at all points. I say this because I was someone who was happy and ready to settle down with every guy I dated, and would convince myself I was in love with them, but deep down I felt something was missing but I would never admit to it or pay attention to it until too late. The guys never felt that way about the relationship not because they were happy and in love, but because they weren’t looking at a relationship that way. Not saying that’s what’s happening here, but sharing my experience to say there are possibilities like this too. Eventually I met a guy who was right for me and matched me at every level and even surpassed me in some things so we learnt to love and respect each other over time. But it had more to do with my personal growth than finding someone who didn’t feel anything is missing or I felt something is missing. If deep down you have your own doubts, move away. If you feel he’s the one who’s meant to be your half, find out what’s wrong and work on it – have an open conversation and end it. If you clear out unaligned energy you make way for magical things to happen.
What’s missing is him. He’s not really in the relationship.
I really feel that to get what a relationship can give you you have to go all in.
Some people are always hedging their bets but who wants that?
When people tell you who they are, listen!