The soldier and I on the phone…
“Well yeah, we didn’t have much money at all but we always seemed to have what we wanted.” he said. “Of course neither of us wanted much. What did we want?”
“I don’t know? Have a good time?”
“Yeah. And we didn’t need much money for that did we, P? As long as we were together we were happy as hell. Didn’t make any difference where we were at or what we were doing. Do you remember this?”
“Not so much. I don’t remember ever being unhappy with you or wanting something we couldn’t have though. I just don’t recall that.”
“Well that’s because it never happened. I was making $312 a month and you were making whatever you were making. What were you making?”
“I have no idea.”
“I have no idea either but I do know we managed to pay the bills each month and I was saving money.”
“Me too. So was I.”
“I was saving up so we could get married,” he said.
We both laughed.
“Yeah, I don’t know how I did it but somehow… me and you, we’d pay everything and I was still able to save about a hundred bucks a month,” he said. “I’m not sure how I did that except I wanted to save the money really bad because I wanted to marry you and I wanted to take you home with me. I was saving up to buy those plane tickets, see. $600 each!”
“Oh God, that was a fortune.”
“Yeah it was.”
“And then I stuck you with the ticket. I would not go home with you. You must have been mad.”
“Mad? Mad about the money? No, I wasn’t mad.”
“”Why not?”
“Why not? Why not? I was in love with you, P. I didn’t care about money. I didn’t care about some $600. I wouldn’t have cared if it were $6000. I cared about you and I cared that you didn’t want to go home with me and you wouldn’t marry me but I wasn’t the least bit worried about the money.”
“Really?”
“Yeah. I could have cared less about that ticket or that money. I was saving up so I could have you for my wife. I wanted a wife, not money and you are the wife I wanted and I wanted you bad. And you just told me you weren’t going to marry me so I had a much bigger problem than some money I might be out. Who cares about that when the women you want to marry tells you she’s not going to marry you? Now that’s a problem. So yeah. I wasn’t thinking about money. I was thinking. Els said she isn’t going to marry me, I have no idea why not and now what am I supposed to do?”
He has Venus inconjunct Saturn and sextile Uranus and it was a shocking, completely unexpected (Uranus) rejection (Saturn).
I have Venus square Neptune and offered no explanation… I completely obscured my reasons.
“Supposed to do?” I asked. “Keep seeing me?”
“Well yeah. We weren’t going to get married, I had no idea why but I still wanted to be with you and you still wanted to be with me so that’s what we did. Everything was the same except now I knew I couldn’t marry you… you wouldn’t marry me. But we were still happy as hell, we had no choice. There was no way we could be together and not feel great so we just kept doing it. Being together and feeling great that is. Same-o. Same as always. Me and P, we went everywhere, did everything together we were never apart. We stopped making plans for the future though, I guess. Damn.”
Elsa,
If is not too much asking, you knew you wouldnt marry him because of some intuition feeling or because was some rational decision?
I´m asking you this because 2 weeks before a very important trip i was supposed to do with my ex, i gave up all of our plans – because i was feeling that it was a mistake.
ScorpioMoon – No, it was nothing like that at all. I very much wanted to marry him but had no choice but say no for reasons that are profound, deep and startling. And he is just beginning to comprehend this… my refusing him was an act of love because I am just becoming able to explain it.
Good luck with your situation. It sounds difficult.
Thank you for the answer.
Mine situation happened 2 years ago and i really felt guilty for a long time after that. It was a very destructive relationship to me (because i was making all the giving and compromise) until a day i couldnt be there anymore and my ex understood that he was loosing me and began to act better to have me. But at that moment, i couldnt be with him anymore, even if he gave me the world.
Only this year, i received an email from my ex, he seems happy (he is going be a father) and i really felt that a big heavy weigth was taken from me. Hope someday I and my ex can speak more openly about everything that happened. Receiving his email was already a start to clean a lot of things from my past.
Elsa,
I can understand very well that refusing someone can be an act of love. With our experiences we learn to love others as they are. And this is the precious gift from life.