Dear Elsa,
I’ve always had trouble dealing with what I need to do for myself and what I need to do for myself and others. I am very demanding of people, but somehow I don’t actually know what I want from them. I seem to go for aggressive people because they appear intellectually stimulating, but they end up criticizing me for my other, more emotional, non-judgmental side.
If I try to go for sensitive people, I end up hurting them because of my other aggressive, competitive side. I don’t have trouble attracting people, but wanting to keep them in my life. I think I’ve gone too far in maintaining my standards, but I can’t find a balance. Your opinion would be much appreciated.
Struggles in Relationship
Dear Struggles,
When a person dislikes everyone as a matter of routine, invariably it’s because they dislike themselves. And your case is a particularly stark example.
Obviously you are both aggressive and sensitive and this is not the end of the world. Lots of people are similarly equipped. But you cannot isolate these parts of your personality, or squash one so the other can live.
You will find resolution by living as a whole person rather than living one side of yourself and trying to project the other… have someone else live the part of you. And I understand this, because I am similar to you.
See, sometimes people will tell me I am “sweet”. And I hate that! It makes me want to kick their ass!
Then someone will tell me I am abrasive and I’ll say, “No I’m not! I’m really very sweet…. er… you bastard!”
Sound familiar?
And what’s wrong with this? What’s wrong with being a sweet person who will kick your ass? Nothing!
Look. It’s a big world. There is plenty of room for people like me. There is plenty of room for people like you. So I suggest you find a way to appreciate your own nuance as an individual. To love yourself that is, and if you manage this, you’ll have no problem loving others.
Good luck.
*chuckles* Oh yeah, I hear ya on this one… I’ve got the same damned problem, but over the years I’ve gotten much better with the duality of it. The general concensus among friends seems to be that I’m sweet and wonderful, but if you fuck with me I’ll kick yer ass. It’s a good compromise, I think. 😉
Yeah, same here. Aries with lots of spunky/cranky aspects, but with lots of Pisces and stuff. It’s a friendly salsa that bites you on occasion. What can you do? ahh well.
p.s. I also hate it when people say I’m cute! They’re just asking for trouble 😀
Okay, cutie.
::ducks:: 😀
Well, as someone who grew up being called all sorts of names, it pisses me off that people hate to be called sweet. What’s wrong with being sweet? Sweetness and kindness are of paramount importance in a world that can be really cruel.
Hey, I like that description Hannah! My daughter is an “spunky/cranky Aries with a real dose of Pisces and her energy is just as you put it ” a friendly salsa that bites you on occasion ” I love it!! 🙂
Hehee…
Aw heck! No one can be mad at you, Elsa! You’re too sweet! I mean mean…I mean nevermind. 😉 hehee!
Eme, I totally understand your POV. I was bullied from the time I entered school at age 6 until I entered college, verbally and physically, so of course deep down of course being sweet or whatnot is what I WANT to be. It’s just that (I don’t know if I speak for anyone other than myself) people who are characterized as cute feel like they are being placated. Like “Oh, isn’t that cute?” (pat on the head). It’s an issue of wanting to be taken seriously, I think. It’s not that we don’t value kindness. It’s just that we want to be seen as serious individuals with real ideas.
Am I right? I dunno. I am coming to terms with the cuteness aspect of it. I am a HUGE believer in ‘Random Acts of Kindness and Senseless Beauty’. I would never withhold kindness just so I wouldn’t appear ‘cute’. Well, I hope this makes some sense to you.
Michelle, that’s really cool to hear that you and your daughter have the same kind of energy. Astrology is so fascinating. It’s odd meeting people with similar signs/aspects/etc.
Yours Truly,
Uncle Hannah
It makes sense, Uncle Hannah. And I understand where you’re coming from. I just wish that more people would associate kindness with bravery bc sometimes it takes a lot of guts to be kind. I know that when I was a kid and I was bullied, the kids who were nice to me were the ones who were brave enough not to care that others thought less of them just bc they were nice to me. I don’t know if that’s clear but sometimes it takes a lot of courage to stick your neck out for the vulnerable.
It’s so interesting (and beautiful) to notice the differences perspectives bring to everyone in what they hear from words.
Hannah said, “It’s an issue of wanting to be taken seriously,” and i think that’s exactly it, for women at least. being sweet somehow means you’re less likely to know how to change your own flat tire. it means you’d rather pet a kitten than go fishing, and that makes it impossible to fit in with the boys.
actually, for both genders! men aren’t generally taught to want to be known as “sweet” – or even worse, “nice.” those are the boys that supposedly ‘never get the girls’ because they are too good at being friends. the kind boys are the ones who, in the movies, have to hope for (or engineer) circumstances that make the good-looking jock look like an insufferable asshole. and no amount of us knowing that this just isn’t the case matters, when over and over again, that’s the plotline of our stories. we get imbedded with this idea that nice people get taken advantage of, or aren’t too bright, or don’t ‘have what it takes’ (whatever that means).
yeah. i think we need some new stories…
Very good points, Silverfoot. Personally, I look at geeks and underdogs! Reoow! I never was drawn to anything else in a man. That sort of geekishness and niceness points to a lot of integrity. It’s true…even the sweet guys have to act like they aren’t. I think the story is gradually changing. The “outcasts” are being recognized more for their gifts lately, I think.
Fondly,
H
p.s. howdy Goddess!
Laugh…just realizing how far off topic I kinda took this thread. Sorry about this. I will say (back to the subject of friends). I very nearly wrote Elsa about my own ambivalence regarding friends. I wondered if there was something in my chart pointing to a kind of push-pull energy with friends. I have Venus in Aquarius–not sure if that has anything to do with it. Wanting unusual friends but also wanting freedom? I dunno.
Michelle, does your daughter have that issue? She is very sociable but also extremely sensitive and has to withdraw for periods and be antisocial because of the ultra-sensitive aspects? It’s like ‘I REALLY need people’ coupled with ‘God, I MUST get away or I’ll explode’. I feel like that all the time…and I have a huge guilt complex and I feel badly for not being really social. Then I get depressed because I NEED the interaction or help but don’t want to ask for it. It’s just sort of strange. Anyone else have this issue or encounter it?
I think it relates very much to what else is saying about ‘liking yourself, you’ll like others’…I’d extend that to saying self-confidence and ease means that you’ll feel at ease around others–because I sure don’t a lot of the time. Sometimes I’d rather hide away and be totally agoraphobic than simply hang out (even though my impulse to connect is strong). Oye, the confusion!
😀