Married Woman Has Deep Feelings For Married Man

aries sym

Dear Elsa,

I met this Capricorn man 2 years ago. We’re both married. We talk a lot about almost everything. I find myself very attracted to his mind and outlook on life. My feelings for him are so deep it scares me.

I have not really told him how I felt because he has not expressed any feelings “like that” towards me. But he is a Capricorn… feelings are held in submission. I have flirted with him before and he uses terms of escape which are actually funny and we both laugh. We hug upon greeting and departure and lately the hugs have been more close.

I have asked him if my flirting or hugs bothered him and he said no. I just don’t know how to read this guy. Does he have those same deep feelings for me as I have for him? How would I know and how should this be viewed?

Double Aries
United States

Dear Aries,

It seems to me you would like to have an affair and you are on the verge of exactly that. As for how that should be viewed, I am not sure what you mean and I am not sure the question can be answered anyway because ten people would have ten different opinions. But I can take some guesses here.

If you are wondering if you can take up with this guy and live happily ever after, I would say no. Though I am sure he likes you and he would probably like to have sex with you, it sounds as if it is far more casual and carnal from his perspective and I don’t like his MO.

You are reading all kinds of things into what is happening and he’s allowing you do to this. He doesn’t tell you that he loves you and wants you madly so you tell yourself he’s a Capricorn and that explains that.

But what it explains to me is this guy is not taking responsibility for what he is up to. He letting you cross all the lines and then what’s he going to claim? She made me do it? I’d be very careful because grownups don’t act like this. And since you are nearly 50, he must be of similar age and consequently this is baffling to me.

But to answer your specific question: does he have deep feelings for you? I would say no. Carnal feelings, yes. I do think you are hunting and being hunted but once slayed, will there be anything there? Very doubtful. I’m sorry but this is just not how real relationships are formed and with Saturn (reality) about to transit your Venus in Virgo… well I guess you are going to learn this.

I am sorry and good luck.

9 thoughts on “Married Woman Has Deep Feelings For Married Man”

  1. I can’t help but wonder about all these married and otherwise committed people who come asking help for their potential and realized affairs… Namely, what would happen if they put half of the energy they put into their affairs into rebuilding their marriage to make it a satisfying relationship again? Or maybe, if they just called the divorce lawyer already?

    I just don’t get it. *shrug*

  2. Seekingzen:

    Are you, or have you ever been married? I’m not sure that people who haven’t been there can understand what happens in these relationships over time. From my perspective, as someone who’s been married 9 years and has recently separated from my husband and has had these feelings for another person, this behavior is a normal reaction to the frustrations of putting your energy into unsatisfying relationships. It’s idealistic to believe you can fix someone else’s problems all the time. Marriage is a partnership, and your partner carries half the burden for it’s success or failure.

    The problem is not the attraction to others — attraction happens throughout your life, regardless of your marital status. As Elsa says, it’s taking responsibility for those feelings and choosing to act responsibly toward yourself and the other people in your life. The reason why adultery is so attractive to married people is that it promises an escape from responsibility — it’s not “real,” it doesn’t require you to make hard choices about your happiness in your relationship. That it will inevitably cause more worries and responsibilities once your loved ones find out — when it becomes “real” — is something the adulterer refuses to look at when they’re in the moment. Ultimately, it’s a way of causing change in your relationships without having to actively choose to change.

    And BTW, I didn’t act on my feelings, but only b/c my OOD wouldn’t cooperate. But I’m ultimately glad things worked out this way instead.

  3. Approaching 50 can be tricky for a woman. We’re poised to make a major life transition and it’s tough in the youth oriented culture we live in. We usually have the Chiron Return around then too where we revisit old wounds. Do what Aries understands well – focus on how you feel about yourself and the choices you’ve made to this point, and look out for yourself!

    Capricorns tend to put a lot of emphasis on how the World sees them & if he’s been married for many years, the chances of him leaving him wife are very, very slim.

  4. Yes, I have been married. And divorced. It wasn’t working, I couldn’t make it work because he wouldn’t stop lying, so I thought it better to leave and divorce him than to go looking for another man while I still had one.

    I also have a four year old son by a man I had planned to marry, but that relationship proved to be doomed as well. I had to take my son and leave his father because we couldn’t get past a pile of issues to make a good relationship.

    In both cases, I attempted counseling with my significant other, only to have it create even more problems because they didn’t really want to fix things.

    You do your best to improve the relationship, and if it can’t be brought to a satisfying level again, then you leave. Period.

    It’s not fun, happy, or enjoyable in any way. Each time I left a serious partner (including my ex-husband) it felt like I was tearing my own heart out. But if you’ve got an ounce of self-respect, if you care anything about the promises you made, and if you ever loved your partner at all, that’s what you do. It sucks, but since when is the right thing necessarily an easy thing?

  5. Seekingzen:

    Many people are not as brave at facing their relationship problems head-on as you have been. I do hope you find/have found someone who can appreciate your strength and can take full responsibility for their share of the relationship. Unfortunately, more people are inclined to be passive-aggressive and take the path of least resistance. But karma will take care of them in the end, when they go from relationship to relationship feeling unsatisfied with their life and not understanding how they have caused their own problems.

  6. You know, it always confuses the hell out of me when people say I’m brave for doing things that are just a matter of fact for me. *shrug* Thank you? lol

    I have indeed found an excellent partner. We’re expecting a child and planning to marry this winter. It’s definitely a confirmation that I’ve made the right decisions in my life. If I’d carried on affairs, I would feel obligated to tell him, and he wouldn’t be able to trust me as fully as he does. He knows that I will leave him before I’ll betray him, and after dealing with a cheating ex-wife, that’s vital.

    I believe in the karma aspect too… Just another reason for people to suck it up and do what’s right. Otherwise it’s just gonna come back and kick ’em in the ass later! 😉

  7. Avatar
    response to seekingzen


    good for you but you seen quite judgmental. your views on what’s right/wrong and what leads to happiness are conditioned by your particular circumstances and experiences in life. i have no doubt that many people have affairs and come out on the other side eventually feeling happy and satisfied again…and perhaps glad they learnt something about themselves and their relationships.

    the idea that karma is necessarily going to bit one in the ass if one has an affair is some weird combination of eastern beliefs and christianity. yes, christianity, the 10 commandments. i think the idea buddhists had in mind about dharma and right action were not so moralistic.

  8. fascinating conversation.

    it’s always seemed to me that when something’s wrong, the more effective tactic is to do something about it, rather than find reality escapes and deluding yourself into thinking there’s nothing wrong. seems pretty simple, and i’m not thinking it’s particularly judgemental or moralistic.

Leave a Comment

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *


Scroll to Top